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Pajiba Projects a Surprising Winner as Next President of the United States

By Dustin Rowles | Music | November 3, 2012 | Comments ()


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Fed up with politics as usual, and of politicians saying things like "politics as usual," the American public collectively turned on the Presidential candidates from the two major parties today, rejecting for the first time in American history ALL of the ballot choices. Instead, 54 percent of Americans spontaneously had the exact same thought as they walked into their voting booths today, choosing to vote for Keanu Reeves as President of the United States of America.

The media is perplexed as to how it happened, although some are speculating that there was some Johnny Mnemonic type data package planted inside the minds of America, triggered by voting ballots. Others believe that Bill and Ted time travel was used so that Keanu could whisper into the ear of every voter before he or she stepped into the voting booth, while still others attribute the Reeves' victory to millions of absentee ballots appearing in a Lake House mailbox, all containing a write-in vote for Keanu Reeves. It's also possible that everyone simply woke up this morning and took the blue pill.

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Whatever the reason, one thing is for certain: Based on our projections, Keanu Reeves is set to become the 45th President of the United States.

The choice, while surprising, is not a poor one. Reeves offers the kind of decisive leadership we need in the 21st century. He has a history of bipartisanship and his dedication to first principles demonstrates that he has what it takes to address the most pressing challenges of our time. Over the course of his distinguished film career, Keanu has shocked, challenged, and delighted the moviegoing public. He's never shirked from an opportunity to advance the artistic medium to which he is so dedicated, and it is that dedication he will bring to the presidency.

Keanu Reeves has shown himself to be a true statesman of our age, and I am proud to announce that he is the new leader of the free world.

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Biz Break: 7 Scintillating News Bits You Can Read on Your Smart Phone While Standing in Line to Vote | Wreck-It Ralph Review: No One Knows What it's Like to be the Bad Man


Are you following Pajiba on Facebook or Twitter? Every time you do, Bill Murray crashes a wedding.


Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • Dildo Baggins

    'Bout fuckin' time.

  • e jerry powell

    We could do worse.

  • BWeaves

    I don't know about you, but in Florida, Roseann Barr was a valid option for president.

  • Hawkeye Fierce

    I think it's national, because she popped up on the CA ballots too. I believe the phrase "WTF?" applies here.

  • Groundloop

    I've already contacted the President Elect to congratulate him, and to assure him that he can count on us, now perhaps more than ever, to remain "Americas Hat".

    Thank you.

    Canada

  • Wednesday

    Damn, I had him as a write-in for the third spot on the county soil and water commission.

    NOW TELL ME WHO WILL DECIDE WHAT PROPERTY IS LOCATED IN A FLOOD PLAIN??!!!?? Who will save us?

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    You guys voted a Canadian into office just like I asked. It wasn't me as I suggested but Sad Keanu isn't such a bad choice.

  • Ernest Hirsch

    I know I for one punched my ballot by rolling on the ground, shooting a gun in the air, yelling "arrrrgghh" and spelling out his name on the write in portion. Vaya con dios Mr. President.

    http://gifsoup.com/view4/14441...

  • Sarah

    Most people would probably want Matrix Keanu, but I'd want Speed Keanu.

  • Luke Anthony Matthews

    Sandra Bullock would make a brilliant first lady.

  • Yes please!

  • Hmmmm. I do love that he isn't a media whore and he has affection for cupcakes. I approve of this!

  • Bert_McGurt

    I had a feeling that this would all come down to a giant Neo con.

  • Foulfiendfliibertigibbet

    Here's a little known fact: Keanu will be the 6th Canadian POTUS.

  • Jennifer Schmennifer

    But...but...he's Canadian! I mean, I'm OK with having a Canadian for US President, I guess.

  • Hawkeye Fierce

    Can Bill Shatner be the VP?

  • kushiro -

    Yeah, a Canadian, born in BEIRUT, with family "from Hawaii".

    Stop trying to destroy America!

  • Hawkeye Fierce

    Trump will have a field day badgering him for birth certificates, high school transcripts, immunization records, spelling bee scores, and vision test results.

    You know how anti-Hawaiian The Donald is.

  • Fredo

    Whoa.

  • Sexiest president ever.

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    James Garfield is not amused.

  • estrangedpajiban

    I love the fact that this is posted under "Music".

  • John G.

    Hey, he freed us from the matrix. A lot of people remember the later tragedies and forget that important point. He's got my vote.

  • $27019454

    Also that bus thing he did. The speeding bus thing was pretty cool. AND he's friends with Socrates.

  • clocker

    And I'm OK with that.

  • PerpetualIntern

    Nice.

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