Pajiba Projects a Surprising Winner as Next President of the United States
film / tv / lists / guides / news / love / celeb / video / think pieces / staff / podcasts / web culture / politics / dc / snl / netflix / marvel / cbr

Pajiba Projects a Surprising Winner as Next President of the United States

By Dustin Rowles | Music | November 3, 2012 | Comments ()


Fed up with politics as usual, and of politicians saying things like "politics as usual," the American public collectively turned on the Presidential candidates from the two major parties today, rejecting for the first time in American history ALL of the ballot choices. Instead, 54 percent of Americans spontaneously had the exact same thought as they walked into their voting booths today, choosing to vote for Keanu Reeves as President of the United States of America.

The media is perplexed as to how it happened, although some are speculating that there was some Johnny Mnemonic type data package planted inside the minds of America, triggered by voting ballots. Others believe that Bill and Ted time travel was used so that Keanu could whisper into the ear of every voter before he or she stepped into the voting booth, while still others attribute the Reeves' victory to millions of absentee ballots appearing in a Lake House mailbox, all containing a write-in vote for Keanu Reeves. It's also possible that everyone simply woke up this morning and took the blue pill.


Whatever the reason, one thing is for certain: Based on our projections, Keanu Reeves is set to become the 45th President of the United States.

The choice, while surprising, is not a poor one. Reeves offers the kind of decisive leadership we need in the 21st century. He has a history of bipartisanship and his dedication to first principles demonstrates that he has what it takes to address the most pressing challenges of our time. Over the course of his distinguished film career, Keanu has shocked, challenged, and delighted the moviegoing public. He's never shirked from an opportunity to advance the artistic medium to which he is so dedicated, and it is that dedication he will bring to the presidency.

Keanu Reeves has shown himself to be a true statesman of our age, and I am proud to announce that he is the new leader of the free world.


Biz Break: 7 Scintillating News Bits You Can Read on Your Smart Phone While Standing in Line to Vote | Wreck-It Ralph Review: No One Knows What it's Like to be the Bad Man

Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not