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January 28, 2009 |

By Seth Freilich | Music | January 28, 2009 |

Yesterday, this site’s purported knower of all things music, TK, posted a pre-pos-terous article besmirching the good name of glam metal. Look at this shit:

Glam metal, in a word, sucked. It was shit. It was shit that was packaged by record execs and bands who dressed and acted only to receive attention, with no genuine interest in music. This lack of interest is painfully obvious, as most of these bands really never evolved past their douchebag, date-rapey, G n’ R wannabe roots…. [T]hey also did irreparable damage to metal’s credibility, which is why it’s never been nearly as popular as it was then. The Dark Age was rife with wannabe tough guys, shameless posturing and some truly horrifying costume choices that were, sadly made without any ironic intent. The sad thing is, they are pathetic excuses for metal, and are in no way deserving of that descriptor. And yet, time and time again, they are described as such.

I couldn’t let this garbage stand, so consider this a counterpoint to TK’s idiocy (in fact, I almost called this thing “Counterpoint — Glam Rules, and TK Shits Under Rainbows While Eating Puppy Dogs and Unicorn Horns,” but I didn’t want to insult those who enjoy eating puppies). Mr. K, you simply know not of what you speak. In a word, sir, fuck you.

You want to know what “did irreparable damage to metal’s credibility?” Metallica turned into a bunch of short-haired, sell-out pussies. They don’t drink, they don’t smoke, what do they do? (Hint: it involves cock-in-mouth and balls-on-chin.) Judas Priest? Led by a literal cocksucker. Pantera? Shit, they were such ass-munching musicians, their guitarist was killed on fucking stage so that the audience didn’t have to hear any more of his guitar choking. Sepultura? Sure, “Dead Embryonic Cells” and “Slaves of Pain” are the shit, I’ll give you that. But you know where these guys were last seen? On the Latin Grammy’s playing a cover of, I fucking kid you not, “The Girl from Ipanima.” Brazilian twats. Game, set, match — metal did fucking irreparable damage to metal’s credibility.

In fact, this being primarily a movie site and all that, let me bring it down to a level you and the other meatheads on this site can comprehend. Ever heard of a little something called The Decline of Western Civilization Part II: The Metal Years? It’s only the greatest documentary ever. And it features lots of your great metal bands, including that garbage Megadeth and their scumbag singer Dave Mustaine who you apparently want to make the gay with. Well, watch this clip, and let’s take a look-see who shows up right after Lizzy Borden finishes rocking with their cocks out (and inexcusably wasting perfectly good beer)….

Well my. my. my. If that isn’t Poison being featured in a documentary about the greatness of metal. Face, mother fucker! Face.

(Decline is only one of many examples where the smart people in the world acknowledge glam’s rullingness. For example, in the same breath that The Donnas talk about their heavy metal love for Gn’R and AC/DC, they also happily mention Cinderella and *ahem* Vaz Hoil.)

Now, how come you didn’t mention RATT in your preposterous diatribe? Could it be because these mother fuckers’ Rock All The Time!? Because they run circles around your precious Judas Priest, by making music that people actually wanted to listen to? Let’s again take it back to the movies, mother fuckers. “Round and Round” featured in a pivotal scene in the acclaimed The Wrestler. Can’t say that about any of TK’s precious “real” metal artists, can you?

(Mild *Spoiler* warning for the first clip, if you haven’t seen The Wrestler, and for the second clip, if you haven’t seen Uncle Milty in drag.)

I notice that you also conveniently left Twisted Sister out of your discussion, TK. A concession to the fact that there ain’t shit bad you can say about them? Are you a closeted S.M.F., TK? S’ok, you have every reason to be. We all Sick Mother Fuckers because Dee and the boys rule. Sure, I could cite the popular “I Wanna Rock” and “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” but there’s another song from that same album (the classic Stay Hungry) that epitomizes everything good in the world of music. Just listen to the raging yet ancestral intro, the guttural vocals, the subtle lyrical maze, as you go down, down down:

I mean, Jesus Chris, man, if you listened to that song without throwing back a fifth of Jack and sucking down a carton of Kools, you’re not human. Robots love “metal,” lovers fuck to glam.

Plus, if glam metal’s not real music, riddle me this — how come only in glam can you find the distinguished collaboration of Alice Cooper, Billy Joel, Clarence Clemons and Brian Setzer? With Bobcat and fucking zombies in the video, to boot? “Be Chrool to Your Scuel” is all that is right with the world.

If it wasn’t for glam, asshat, there’d be none of your precious Guns n’ Roses. There’d be no Bon Jovi. Shit man, there’d be no mother fucking “The Final Countdown.”

As Gob Bluth would say, “come on!” That’s a world without light. Where the “men” sip wine coolers and discuss their weekends on the ranch with Muffy. You want that, you can have it. I’ll take a world with capital-M men. Balls and sweat. Guitars and shots of Three Wise Men. (As Mötley Crüe succinctly put in a story, you know the one I mean) Motorcycles and strippers.

That right there is the equation that Einstein was missing when he tried to put together his Theory of Everything:

(Bikes + Strippers) * Rock = Fuck + Yeah

Simply put, to quote one of the greatest of the Great — TK and all the other haters, “you take your road, I’ll take mine.” Just so happens, my road leads to the holy land, and your road leads straight up my ass.

Jamie Soundz took over bass guitar for Vaz Hoil after the tragic death of the band’s original bassist (yeyo, motorcycles and Mötley Crüe’s helicopter, sadly, do not mix). Thanks to the money earned from a brief reunion in the early 00’s, Jamie can now generally be found sitting left-center of the main stage at his Pomona strip club, O Soundz.

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Seth is a Senior Editor and sometime critic. You may email him here or follow him on Twitter.

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