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October 4, 2006 |

By Miscellaneous | Miscellaneous | October 4, 2006 |

First of all: Fuck Bob Woodward!

Mr. Woodward, I have two words for you: Zip It!

I watched your interview on the propaganda machine known as “60 Minutes.” The only surprise for me as you gave solace to the terrorists with your “truth,” and your … your … your “facts” … was that there wasn’t a simulcast on Al Jazeera, you bin Laden lover, you “Blame America First” buffoon, you al-Qaeda apologist.

It’s easy to Monday-morning-quarterback at a computer monitor. But our commander-in-chief has tough decisions to make. How was he supposed to know that the war in Iraq would go so colossally wrong? That more terrorists would be bred if we attacked a sovereign Middle Eastern state? Just because all sorts of people were saying that it would? Just because — as you write in your anti-American manifesto State of Denial — his own father, back in [pre-9/11] 1999, said to a room full of Gulf War veterans:

Had we gone into Baghdad — we could have done it. You guys could have done it. You could have been in there in 48 hours. And then what? Which sergeant, which private, whose life would be at stake in perhaps a fruitless hunt in an urban guerilla war to find the most secure dictator in the world? Whose life would be on my hands as the commander-in-chief because I, unilaterally, went beyond the international law, went beyond the stated mission, and said we’re going to show our macho? We’re going into Baghdad. We’re going to be an occupying power — America in an Arab land — with no allies at our side. It would have been disastrous.

Big fucking deal! Ask any teenager in America and they will tell you that parents don’t know shit. So, why should Dubya listen to his? How was he supposed to know that those cowardly naysayers were right? He had a feeling that he was right. It was enough for him. It is enough for me. And it should be enough for you.

Thanks to Dubya there hasn’t been another 9/11 since 9/11. Of course, there hadn’t been a 9/11 before 9/11 either … but that’s not good post-9/11 American thinking, sir. The point is no one has flown planes into the Pentagon or the World Trade Center since 2001. How do you explain that, huh, Mr. I’m-a-Big-Deal-Because I-Destroyed-The-Nixon Presidency?

America is safer than ever, thanks to George W. Bush. I can see that now. Up until yesterday, I was unclear. But now I have seen the light. And that is why I am telling you, sir, to Zip It!

Zip up those Ziploc bags when you get on a plane. I was at the airport, in a security line longer than the ever-changing list of reasons that have been offered up for going into Iraq, and I saw a woman volunteer the information that she had some lip gloss in her bag. Lip gloss! Well, the TSA officer explained to her that he would have to take her lip gloss — given the new airline restrictions about fluids going on planes. He went on to explain that if she had placed the lip gloss in a Ziploc bag, he would have been able to let the lip gloss through to its final destination.

That’s all we have to do as Americans is Zip It. Zip up those iron-clad, explosion-proof Ziploc bags and we will be safe from the terrorists who — as our President loves to remind us — want to hurt your family. (Your family, Mr. Woodward! Boogedy, boogedy!)

God knows that no terrorist would have time during a five hour cross-country flight to open a hermetically sealed Ziploc bag and unleash the terror that is MAC’s Full for You Lipglass. Why wouldn’t you forego the opportunity to see full, beautiful, shimmering lips if it could save American lives, Mr. Woodward? Why?! Isn’t your family worth it?

Not having had the chance to sleep on the Ziploc Anti-Terrorism Defense System, I even found myself being stopped by the TSA. You see, Mrs. NMN and I had brought apple sauce and chocolate pudding for the Niglets to eat on the five-and-a-half hour flight from Hartford, CT to Los Angeles, CA. Well, they informed us that they were not supposed to let those things through. They explained that had the containers actually said “Baby Food,” and not simply been food for babies, it would have been fine. (That, of course, makes sense because any old terrorist could whip up a batch of American hate and put it in a sealed plastic container, but who in the world could possibly get past a label that said “baby food.” No criminal mind could possibly clear that hurdle.)

Luckily, a supervisor came over and grandly said he would allow two of the six containers of apple sauce through, but neither of the containers of chocolate pudding. [Note: That didn’t seem at all arbitrary.] Mrs. NMN was upset. You don’t want to mess with the Niglets, if you know what’s good for you. And she was being told that her babies would be screaming bloody murder for a good part of the flight, because they would be hungry. Backing her up — and frankly, still stuck in my na├»ve pre-9/11 mindset — I said, “I know this is your job, but this is ridiculous.” My wife repeated the sentiment. Then I said it again as my kids’ pudding was taken away and America was made safer. Apparently, my observation that their policies and decisions made no sense to me and were thus worthy of ridicule made the aforementioned apple sauce more dangerous than ever, because the supervisor turned and said, “If you keep saying that it’s ridiculous, I won’t let any of them through.”

And then, it hit me. It’s not just the Ziploc bags that are to be zipped, Mr. Woodward. It is indeed, also our lips. It was not enough that I acknowledged that it was the message and not the messenger that I found ridiculous. I see that now. If we are true Americans — good Americans —enemies of the terrorists who want to hurt your family (Your family, Mr. Woodward! Boogedy, boogedy!) then we must zip our lips. Democracy is only safe in this world if the electorate is silent and never questions.

That is true, except in one case. You see, when we got home, Mrs. NMN was emptying our baby bag and realized that she had one more container of chocolate pudding than she thought she had. That container got past an X-Ray machine and the visual check of the bag that followed. So, it is imperative that we speak up at security check points. We must tell those charged with protecting us precisely what it is we have with us.

And that goes for you, too, al-Qaeda, you shifty little imps. We’re apparently working on the honor system here. And what could be safer than that?

Let’s do the same thing at the ports. Up to now, I’ve been feeling like it was unsafe to have so many unchecked canisters coming into the country. But we could simply ask what’s in the canisters. Under the honor code, the enemy would have to tell us. “Okay. Okay. It’s anthrax. You caught us again, you crafty Americans.” Then we could make them put the canister in a giant Ziploc bag manufactured by Halliburton (a no-bid contract would of course be awarded to “America, Inc.”). Then we’d be really safe.

I must admit, though. That didn’t seem safe, until I really thought about it. And now I see that it is. It is safer because the President says it’s safer. The insurgency will wane because the President says the insurgency will wane. The mission is accomplished because … well, you get the idea.

But most importantly, Mr. Woodward — as the President has told us repeatedly — we are fighting the terrorists there so we won’t have to fight them here. Unless they are here, in which case we will fight them here by taking away pudding from infants and using the honor system at security check points. Honestly, the terrorists can’t lie. I’m pretty sure that Allah doesn’t like that. And who’s going to risk a date with seventy-two virgins, my friend? Think about it.

And then, in the name of all that is right and good in this “democracy”: Zip It!

Orlando Bishop, a.k.a., A New Millennium Nigga, is a writer living in L.A. You can find more of his work at The Musings of a New Millennium Nigga.

Zip It!

A New Millennium Nigga

Miscellaneous | October 4, 2006 |

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