Pajiba

As a former Vancouverite, let me congratulate you and give you a survival guide:
1-make NO favourable comments about Toronto. If you must speak of it, use tones of pity or condescension.
1a-complimenting Vancouver gratuitously in comparison to anywhere else, especially in the States, will get you free drinks and dinner specials. Flattery works!
2-do NOT wear a Calgary Flames jersey and expect to go un-ridiculed. Any denigration of the Canucks or Luongo will also earn you unyielding hostility and scorn.
3-should you find the city not as beautiful or special as you expected, hold your thoughts to yourself or you'll be scorned. It's ok to complain about the rain though.
4-should you become overwhelmingly homesick for crime, filth, drugs, or questionable characters go and visit the Downtown Eastside. Bring no valuables and make sure you have an honour guard of 6 hockey players in full battle dress. If you're in the mood for excitement, ride the SkyTrain late at night to Surrey Centre. Your embassy will eventually find you laid up in hospital recovering from second-hand drug effects.
5-decide well in advance what kinds of food you'd be willing to try. There's so many excellent options that hunger could be prolonged for weeks by indecision. Or let Replica show you where to go.
6-go see Whistler, Stanley Park, the Capilano Suspension Bridge, and jump the ferry to Victoria. You'll find yourself applying for refugee status at the nearest immigration office before you know it.

Congratulations again, and welcome to Vancouver!

"2-do NOT wear a Calgary Flames jersey and expect to go un-ridiculed"

Doesn't this hold true ANYWHERE that's not Calgary? Vancouver, Sacramento, Capetown, Oz, that city in Inception, etc?

1. We have rectified the football situation in Saskatchewan by bringing a case of beer into the huddle. If you don't receive one, get the fuck off of the field.

2. If you wish to make friends and perhaps even get a little action, procure thyself a moose pelt. Antlers preferred.

3.Vancouver may as well be Dallas. They're so full of themselves that they are hard to convince that there is a whole country to the East of them.

4.Spanking is a perfectly acceptable form of greeting. Especially when meeting for the first time.

5. If you get harpooned, don't take it personally. From what I remember of your person, you are black and rather largish. They've probably just mistaken you for a bear.

6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top.

7. Always carry your "I know a Canadian and he says I'm ok" card. Foreigners are to be feared and this will allow you to procure food and other survival items. Think of it as my "I know a black guy" card that I take with me to Compton.

8. When in doubt, make fun of America.

9. If it snows in any amount, do not leave your hotel. In fact, insist upon a room on the top floor, lock all doors and windows and huddle in the bathtub in the hopes of surviving the coming apocalypse.

10. Vancouver's #1 export is tree huggers. Get thee some patchouli, a knitted sweater and do not wash for one week. Then, they will take you into their tree house and regale you with tales of tree fucking.

*addendum
7-be ready to be dazzled and overwhelmed by Replica's charms and grace. Don't piss her off though, her uncle's a Mountie who carries an angry beaver everywhere he goes.

What do I do if I encounter a yeti?

Depends. Is it wearing an eye-patch?

...also, don't waste your time with Vancouver.

TORONTO is the greatest city in the world.

"6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top."

I think we need jM for a ruling on this. Have you never been to a Pride Parade?

Wait...

What's a Yeti doing in Vancouver? That's Bigfoot country. Unless the Yeti is a tourist (like you) and in that case you should get along fine. Just don't tell anybody you're a tourist (even though they can tell) and keep your "Friend Of A Canadian" card handy.

And watch your nipples around the beavers. They've been known to bite them off.

The only real problem with Canada is it's too far south. And the part that isn't too far south (above the arctic circle) only has 17 people, 11 dog sleds and 9 Chinese restaurants.

"The greatest of all Canadian beers"? That would be Unibroue.

BTW, I read an article in a beer newspaper (Mid-Atlantic Brewing News, I think it was) that made the case Ben Franklin never said or wrote "Beer is proof God loves us" etc. It SOUNDS like something he might have said, and I certainly agree with the sentiment, but no.

Kind of like how the late Sen. Everett Dirksen is forever stuck with having said "A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking real money," when there's no evidence he actually did.

And the Bible gets misquoted as saying "Money is the root of all evil." Nope. Doesn't say that either.

*joins lordhelmet in pummeling OldSchool60*

TORONTO?!! Greatest city in the world!? S'il te plait, mon cher, come across to Montreal, where we will disabuse you of that notion tout de suite!

*grinds out cigarette on OldSchool60*

Like there is anything even remotely fun in TO, calice, tabernak...

6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top.

I can dig it.

While you're here, Jason, would you kindly take Randy and Evi Quaid back to the U.S. with you?

Okay? Thanks.

Yeah, I do! The pond on top of the Quad building is a gem. I honestly think SFU's architecture is pretty unique.

It might snow a little in the next 2 days - like 1-2 inches. In order to blend in, wear in-appropriate shoes (shorts if you're really committed), look flabbergasted, and, if at all possible, get into a vehicle and drive as slow as possible.

Foundation is run by communist hippies and who serve cleverly-named bark mulch and water in glass jars. Booooooo-urns.

If I see a black dude around, I am going to yell "Tracer!" and then I'll glomp him. BE PREPARED.

I thought Quebec was the most hated city in all of Canadaland.

You know, because it's so utterly French.

Actually both the prior comments about Foundation are entirely true.

I must take issue with your claim regarding Molson beer. In typical Canadian fashion we chose to put our national emblem and name on a polite but boring beer that is least likely to shock or offend the sensibilities of visitors.

If you go the the Alibi Room downtown they will help you learn about real beer. When you sit down you will have a beer list handed to you. If you are lucky you might get a small food list too but its mostly about the beer.

Enjoy the rain.

Imma hafta back up OldSchool60 here. Toronto is indeed the center of the universe. I say this as a Torontonian who has been held somewhat against her will on the east coast of our great nation for the past 4 years. It has been almost a year since I was home for a visit though. I tend to want to get back to my slower paced living on the east coast after about a week of all that the Tdot has to offer, poste haste. But for right now, Toronto is the greatest city on earth. The only thing Montreal has to offer is St. Catherine St.

3.Vancouver may as well be Dallas. They're so full of themselves that they are hard to convince that there is a whole country to the East of them.

We know there's a country there, we just can't figure out why anyone would live somewhere so cold.

Toshi's for sushi, on 16th near Main. Order the box sushi; it's not on the menu, but it's excellent. Go with only one other person, as the line-up can be long and trying to seat four is nearly impossible.

Go snowshoeing up Mt. Seymour if you're into winter sports. I can lend you snowshoes.

Take a walk up and down Commercial Drive, enjoying the Italian coffee, the homeless punks and about 30 different kinds of food, from Ethiopian to French-Tunisian.

I didn't realize there are so many of us in Vancouver. Should we be organizing a Vancouver Pajiba group? Movie nights at the Rio, etc?

I sincerely hope you enjoy everything Vancouver has to offer. And I do mean EVERYTHING. *wink, wink* (Seriously? Not one person has mentioned the B.C. Bud yet?)

Kidding aside, have a wonderful trip--Vancouver's a beautiful city, one I would love to spend more time exploring.

actually harris just wants to kill polar bears. i respect pajibas ongoing joke about raping pandas, but it has no place here. and nothing to do with our issues.

"[Toronto] is a rambling disaster of a city, with suburbs that stretch for ages in all directions without providing anything useful or pleasing and some of the worst commuting in the world. There is a greyness about the city that seems to leach all the joy out of life and leaves me longing to be anywhere else".

LOL!
The greyness you refer to is the lingering ghost of the grim & joyless "Thank-God-It's-Monday" Calvinism that once defined Ontario... Even as recently as the mid 1980s, downtown was deserted on Sundays... & you could buy wine/liquor/beer only by filling out a form at government-run shops, & carrying it home in a brown paper bag... no joke.

Not nearly so bad now.
But then again, just look at the fat-ass clown who was just elected mayor (Mel Lastman, all is forgiven!)

I've always had a love/hate thing with this city, ever since I moved here from Quebec City as a child.
I lived in Scarboro for a long time, a mostly ugly suburb with a few well hidden nice areas: The Rouge Park, the Rouge Hills area, the Guild Inn & a few others.
I always kinda liked East York, & The Beach is a nice area (& no, you don't have to be a yuppie to appreciate it)
A few gems are hidden within Toronto itself too, though not as many as one would hope. or expect.

A lot of people who shit on Toronto probably haven't even been near there... (particularly persistent in this habit are Vancouverites, a pretentious people who are deluded in the belief they are even half as interesting as Torontonians, much less Montrealers).

At least Toronto isn't like neighbouring Mississauga, which is (if you don't count Port Credit), the most soul-suckingly depressing & ugly Hell imaginable. Much much worse than the ugliest parts of Scarboro, worse even than Hamilton & Sudbury.

Mississauga is the kind of place that should be bulldozed & started over again from scratch.

actually harris just wants to kill polar bears. i respect pajibas ongoing joke about raping pandas, but it has no place here. and nothing to do with our issues.
Posted by: idleprimate at February 16, 2011 8:39 PM

Perhaps you should bother actually reading shit, primate, I said he should have intercourse with a Polar Bear, who would be on top, which isn't very consistent with - oh fuck it, why do I bother?

I am so envious, I love it there and I hope you have a great visit. I can't believe no one recommended the sushi and sashimi! It's DELICIOUS!!!! And the california rolls. And there are some local breweries around the Granville Island market.

I can't knock Quebec City. It's the only city -- afaik -- on the planet that ices up a steep and winding route through the downtown core to hold a competition where three guys at a time, suited up in hockey gear, skate down it at TOP SPEED! I swear to God, it's the most insane thing ever. A brief description: "race takes place on a 550-meter ice-track that not only snakes its way through an urban environment, but also includes a series of high-speed hairpin turns, big-air jumps, drop-offs, and gaps".

How can you not like a city that does that?

YES! A Pajiba Vancouver convention would be wonderful (any excuse to return to my beautiful stomping grounds, really). If you do settle in Van, check out Granville Island and the Charles H. Scott Gallery in the concourse of the Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design. If you're really brave, go inside ECIAD and infiltrate the studio areas and act like a patron and/or student ("Whoa, relax, lowly printmaker, I'm a ARTISTE (aka painting plebe) and I just wandered over to see what the lower case is up to"). Fucking painters, but I digress...welcome to Vancouver, soak up the scenery and embrace the rainy outdoors but don't expect a nightlife unless you're walking the bushes in Stanley Park.

Pajiba-Van 2011!

WOW. Holy macaroni, Besser.

oh jo mama, you are on a frickin yellow brick road. can i be your smug, regional little bitch.

and aint it the truth. we don't mind the odd moneyed yankee, as long as you go the fuck home afterward. thus canada speaks an age old prossie truth.

What did Watson tell you? You know nothing of the crunch! A pox on his tungsten cock, his mother was a stud in a wall and clearly he's following suit! The apple doesn't whore far from the CPU--or Apple? I don't even know. Still, don't you dare fall in with their magnesium lies, because had it not been for their thrill kill-oriented chicanery, the world would have been able enjoy the undiscovered 'plu-crack-i-um' that is owed so dearly to it. People are always drinking kettle drums full of whatever like it's anti-freeze. No one ever asks about the owner of chemicals, they just ingest like it's Play-Doh.

Do not bring Watson into this, Comma-Xenu. Just imagine a life in which you became old before the wisdom juice(Metamucil and warm buttermilk) took hold.

Seduced by an alloy, sir. If you can't reconcile yourself to that fact, there's nothing left but Cry-anetics.

That was your intervention, Dances With E-Meters. Feel cleansed?