web
counter
 

Yukon Ho!

By | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (57)



Thumbnail image for welcome-to-Canada.jpg

By the time this article pops up at 8 a.m. EST, I’ll be winging my way to whitest Canada. And people, I am afraid.

We make jokes about America’s Hat around here all the time, but I really don’t know what to expect when I get there. I’ll be in Vancouver, one of the civilized areas (or as civilized as Canada gets anyway) and I’ll have the inestimable Replica to serve as my guide/sherpa. She can probably keep me from getting mauled by the natives but I’ll still have lots of time alone and when I have to interact with these sad victims of nature’s cruelty.

My physician said I didn’t need shots, but I’m not at all sure I believe her. Are Canadians friendly? I’ve heard many are feral. A co-worker said that when confronting a Canadian, I should make myself big and back away slowly without making eye contact lest they take that as a challenge.

I’ve been to the Land of Beiber once before. Sort of. I spent the day in Montreal, which is kind of like Austin is to Texas: Far more sophisticated than the surrounding environs and they would really prefer that you didn’t mention that they’re part of the rest of the state/country.

I know “SCTV” was hilarious. I know the McKenzie Brothers are two of the greatest Canadians in history and “Trailer Park Boys” is the best exploration of daily Canadian life ever produced. I know they love bacon and moose and the “hoc-key” and something called poutine, but I’m not really familiar with the Great White North. Do they employ hygiene? Will my brown skin and lack of hockey hair confuse and anger them? I’ve been told many of the women wear eyepatches but that can’t possibly be true, can it?

What do I do if I encounter a yeti?

I should probably know more about Canadia - that’s the one with the maple leaf during the Olympics, right? - but, really. It’s a vast, windswept wasteland. It’s Texas minus 60 degrees. Fifty degrees FARENHEIT, which is the way God intended to measure temperature. Damned Celsius fundamentalist Communist fundamentalists.

At least they have football, so I know the country isn’t completely barren of culture. Of course, it’s a bizarre bastardization of the game with 120-yard fields and 12 men per side (but not in Saskatchewan, right, Bobby?) but I’m sure I can bond with the natives over a shared love of sport. I mean, heck, my little brother was in camp with the Montreal Alouettes over the summer. Unfortunately, he was at a disadvantage compared to the Canadian players because he only has 10 toes and so didn’t make the squad.

Oh, and I understand the natives are big fans of beer. As an adopted son of a city with a long and illustrious brewing tradition, and the home the oldest brewery in the United States, I can surely connect with these bearded frost trolls over a shared interest in the suds. Why, Benjamin Franklin, arguably the greatest Philadelphian (it would have been Brian Dawkins but he betrayed us) once said, “Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy.” With a few pints of Labatts, Steel Reserve and the greatest of all Canadian beers, Moslon, I’m sure they’ll think of me as just another local. Sure, I have both ears and I don’t say “aboot” but I bet they won’t hold that against me once I buy a round or two.

But if anyone - anthropologists, circus trainers, zoologists - who has experience dealing with Canadians in their native habit wants to share some advice, I’m all ears. I’d hate for a Canadian female to misread my intentions and lay her eggs in my chest.

Jason Harris has armed himself with a whip and a revolver for his trip. If he insists that you call him “Indiana,” just ignore him.









Each Time You Like, Share, Tweet or Stumble a Pajiba Post, An Angel Does the Paul Rudd Dance



Cracks Trailer | She Cries Your Name | Not News: The Most Disturbingly Great Tweet Ever?









Comments

As a former Vancouverite, let me congratulate you and give you a survival guide:
1-make NO favourable comments about Toronto. If you must speak of it, use tones of pity or condescension.
1a-complimenting Vancouver gratuitously in comparison to anywhere else, especially in the States, will get you free drinks and dinner specials. Flattery works!
2-do NOT wear a Calgary Flames jersey and expect to go un-ridiculed. Any denigration of the Canucks or Luongo will also earn you unyielding hostility and scorn.
3-should you find the city not as beautiful or special as you expected, hold your thoughts to yourself or you'll be scorned. It's ok to complain about the rain though.
4-should you become overwhelmingly homesick for crime, filth, drugs, or questionable characters go and visit the Downtown Eastside. Bring no valuables and make sure you have an honour guard of 6 hockey players in full battle dress. If you're in the mood for excitement, ride the SkyTrain late at night to Surrey Centre. Your embassy will eventually find you laid up in hospital recovering from second-hand drug effects.
5-decide well in advance what kinds of food you'd be willing to try. There's so many excellent options that hunger could be prolonged for weeks by indecision. Or let Replica show you where to go.
6-go see Whistler, Stanley Park, the Capilano Suspension Bridge, and jump the ferry to Victoria. You'll find yourself applying for refugee status at the nearest immigration office before you know it.

Congratulations again, and welcome to Vancouver!

Posted by: lordhelmet at February 16, 2011 8:24 AM

All that nonsense about snow and -40 and 7 month long winters is just a ruse to keep people (Murricans) out. In fact, Canada is a tropical paradise, with vast plains full of date palms and unspoiled oasis, sandy white beaches on two coasts and perfectly temperate lakes for swimming. Make sure you pack shorts and sunscreen.

Posted by: brite at February 16, 2011 8:27 AM

"2-do NOT wear a Calgary Flames jersey and expect to go un-ridiculed"

Doesn't this hold true ANYWHERE that's not Calgary? Vancouver, Sacramento, Capetown, Oz, that city in Inception, etc?

Posted by: Mrcreosote at February 16, 2011 8:39 AM

Listen dude, getting to meet up with Replica will outweigh anything negative you might encounter. She's her own version of the force.

Posted by: Cindy at February 16, 2011 8:41 AM

1. We have rectified the football situation in Saskatchewan by bringing a case of beer into the huddle. If you don't receive one, get the fuck off of the field.

2. If you wish to make friends and perhaps even get a little action, procure thyself a moose pelt. Antlers preferred.

3.Vancouver may as well be Dallas. They're so full of themselves that they are hard to convince that there is a whole country to the East of them.

4.Spanking is a perfectly acceptable form of greeting. Especially when meeting for the first time.

5. If you get harpooned, don't take it personally. From what I remember of your person, you are black and rather largish. They've probably just mistaken you for a bear.

6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top.

7. Always carry your "I know a Canadian and he says I'm ok" card. Foreigners are to be feared and this will allow you to procure food and other survival items. Think of it as my "I know a black guy" card that I take with me to Compton.

8. When in doubt, make fun of America.

9. If it snows in any amount, do not leave your hotel. In fact, insist upon a room on the top floor, lock all doors and windows and huddle in the bathtub in the hopes of surviving the coming apocalypse.

10. Vancouver's #1 export is tree huggers. Get thee some patchouli, a knitted sweater and do not wash for one week. Then, they will take you into their tree house and regale you with tales of tree fucking.

Posted by: Robert Scott at February 16, 2011 8:44 AM

Buy an umbrella at the airport. I live in Vancouver and I am here to tell you that the forecast is calling for rain. Buckets of rain.

That's not unusual for Vancouver, I admit, but it is the truth.

Posted by: Melodie at February 16, 2011 9:01 AM

*addendum
7-be ready to be dazzled and overwhelmed by Replica's charms and grace. Don't piss her off though, her uncle's a Mountie who carries an angry beaver everywhere he goes.

Posted by: lordhelmet at February 16, 2011 9:07 AM

Ah the angry beaver. Ever the most stalwart and terrifying of sidearms.

Posted by: Robert Scott at February 16, 2011 9:13 AM

What do I do if I encounter a yeti?

Depends. Is it wearing an eye-patch?

Posted by: coryo at February 16, 2011 9:13 AM

EVERYTHING you have heard is true.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at February 16, 2011 9:20 AM

...also, don't waste your time with Vancouver.

TORONTO is the greatest city in the world.

Posted by: OldSchool60 at February 16, 2011 9:22 AM

When encountering a yeti - eyepatch or no - refrain from inquiring about Reinhold Messner. He, my fellow mountaineer, did not part on good terms with yetis after an uncomfortable Himalayan encounter (damn Austrians always want to be on top).

Posted by: cinekat at February 16, 2011 9:39 AM

"6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top."

I think we need jM for a ruling on this. Have you never been to a Pride Parade?

Wait...

Posted by: Groundloop at February 16, 2011 9:39 AM

What's a Yeti doing in Vancouver? That's Bigfoot country. Unless the Yeti is a tourist (like you) and in that case you should get along fine. Just don't tell anybody you're a tourist (even though they can tell) and keep your "Friend Of A Canadian" card handy.

And watch your nipples around the beavers. They've been known to bite them off.

Posted by: Kargoyle at February 16, 2011 9:50 AM

I had a dream on Monday night that I had just moved back to Toronto from Vancouver and had decided to turn around and go RIGHT BACK WHERE I BELONG. In the interests of not causing profound distress to Mr. Julien, I decided to keep the dream to myself. I can't make jokes. Vancouver is heaven and I moved to New Jersey.

If you need me, I'll be weeping quietly in a corner.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 16, 2011 10:12 AM

The only real problem with Canada is it's too far south. And the part that isn't too far south (above the arctic circle) only has 17 people, 11 dog sleds and 9 Chinese restaurants.

Posted by: morganew at February 16, 2011 10:24 AM

*throws down stick and gloves, pulls OldSchool60's jersey over his head, and starts pummelling.*
Toronto's the humid, stinky armpit of Canada filled with nothing but bankers and Leafs fans! It's where joy goes to die and where you can get freshly squeezed kitten tears in your morning coffee! Its suckitude is only outmatched by the size of its ego, and where snowfall causes mass trauma and the mobilization of the army to dig out Volvos!
(This is true, by the way:
http://www.amazon.com/Big-Wind-Up-Aislin/dp/1552780899
http://www.cbc.ca/news/story/1999/01/14/snow990114.html)

Posted by: lordhelmet at February 16, 2011 10:51 AM

"The greatest of all Canadian beers"? That would be Unibroue.

BTW, I read an article in a beer newspaper (Mid-Atlantic Brewing News, I think it was) that made the case Ben Franklin never said or wrote "Beer is proof God loves us" etc. It SOUNDS like something he might have said, and I certainly agree with the sentiment, but no.

Kind of like how the late Sen. Everett Dirksen is forever stuck with having said "A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon you're talking real money," when there's no evidence he actually did.

And the Bible gets misquoted as saying "Money is the root of all evil." Nope. Doesn't say that either.

Posted by: , at February 16, 2011 11:20 AM

I don't know why people spread these brutish lies about Canada, or who they think they are fooling.

Canada does not have faddish airports. you will likely be met at the border by a walrus-sled team who can bring you to Fort Vancouver. Your driver will probably have potato "vodka" and the whole business is pretty darn civil.

Canada is a great place to adventure holiday and don't let anyone tell you different.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 16, 2011 11:29 AM

*joins lordhelmet in pummeling OldSchool60*

TORONTO?!! Greatest city in the world!? S'il te plait, mon cher, come across to Montreal, where we will disabuse you of that notion tout de suite!

*grinds out cigarette on OldSchool60*

Like there is anything even remotely fun in TO, calice, tabernak...

Posted by: Nobody's Little Weasel at February 16, 2011 11:40 AM

What do I do if I encounter a yeti?

The more important question is...

"What do i do if I encounter a Yeti paw?"

And if you end up asking that question, things are either going very well, or very poorly.

Posted by: PissBoy at February 16, 2011 11:51 AM

6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top.

I can dig it.

Posted by: jM at February 16, 2011 12:06 PM

As a Vancouverite currently away from home, I'm jealous! Even if it's going to rain. (Definition of rain in Vancouver = pouring buckets by anyone else's standards; light shower = raining moderately; drizzling = beautiful tiny raindrops that stay on your nose and eyelashes.. brown paper packages tied up with striiing... these are a few of...Oh what?! Sorry.)

Go visit SFU! (Many, many TV shows and movies were filmed there...true most of them weren't great, but still worth a visit.) Plus, it's pretty! If you're vegetarian/vegan, The Foundation by Main and Broadway is pretty great. I love reading all the quotes on the walls. Ooh, and the Vanc. Public Library's central branch is breathtaking, give it a gander.

A few tips: beware the seagulls at UBC, they're vicious and will steal your food; do not feed the wildlife no matter how cute they look; and know your Starbucks (or any coffee place) order before you get to the till. If you manage to make a faux pas just inform everyone that you're from the States, you'll be forgiven instantly.

Have a great visit!

Posted by: io at February 16, 2011 12:12 PM

While you're here, Jason, would you kindly take Randy and Evi Quaid back to the U.S. with you?

Okay? Thanks.

Posted by: Jadine at February 16, 2011 12:37 PM

Wait...you are recommending visiting SFU? For gods sakes why? Do you enjoy being in a soupy fog so thick you can't see a foot from your face?

The only thing I am going to recommend as something you absolutely must do while in vancouver is visit Stepho's Greek restaurant on Davie St. Get the roast lamb. Then move here so you can enjoy that beautiful taste at least once a week.

Best 10 bucks you'll ever spend (thats $10.10 after being converted to your silly worthless American dollars).

Posted by: DS_McWerp at February 16, 2011 12:39 PM

Yeah, I do! The pond on top of the Quad building is a gem. I honestly think SFU's architecture is pretty unique.

Posted by: io at February 16, 2011 1:23 PM

I thought long and hard before deciding to contribute to this epic thread. As a proud Canuckian with a deep and abiding love for the most starkly beautiful nation ever to grace this planet, I just have one thing to say:

Don't forget to pick up your complimentary Musk-ox at the airport before returning home.

Oh, and perhaps the words of another Canadian might be of some help:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJUgu9qr8wI

Posted by: Wintermute at February 16, 2011 1:44 PM

It might snow a little in the next 2 days - like 1-2 inches. In order to blend in, wear in-appropriate shoes (shorts if you're really committed), look flabbergasted, and, if at all possible, get into a vehicle and drive as slow as possible.

Foundation is run by communist hippies and who serve cleverly-named bark mulch and water in glass jars. Booooooo-urns.

If I see a black dude around, I am going to yell "Tracer!" and then I'll glomp him. BE PREPARED.

Posted by: Lauren at February 16, 2011 1:49 PM

Always carry your "I know a Canadian and he says I'm ok" card. Foreigners are to be feared and this will allow you to procure food and other survival items. Think of it as my "I know a black guy" card that I take with me to Compton.

Yeah, that doesn't work in Compton either. Nothing works in Compton.

Posted by: Melody at February 16, 2011 1:59 PM

I thought Quebec was the most hated city in all of Canadaland.

You know, because it's so utterly French.

Posted by: Melody at February 16, 2011 2:00 PM

@Melody,

That's a gross misrepresentation. Quebec isn't French at all. They speak a bizarre language called Quebecois (Kay-beck-wah) that is completely impenetrable to French and English speakers alike.

Posted by: Wintermute at February 16, 2011 2:05 PM

Actually both the prior comments about Foundation are entirely true.

I must take issue with your claim regarding Molson beer. In typical Canadian fashion we chose to put our national emblem and name on a polite but boring beer that is least likely to shock or offend the sensibilities of visitors.

If you go the the Alibi Room downtown they will help you learn about real beer. When you sit down you will have a beer list handed to you. If you are lucky you might get a small food list too but its mostly about the beer.

Enjoy the rain.

Posted by: Zomibe Font Snob at February 16, 2011 2:45 PM

I'm so jealous! Vancouver is my very favorite city of all time. So much to do and see. Amazing food and drink. Have a great time!

Posted by: MissNev at February 16, 2011 4:12 PM

Imma hafta back up OldSchool60 here. Toronto is indeed the center of the universe. I say this as a Torontonian who has been held somewhat against her will on the east coast of our great nation for the past 4 years. It has been almost a year since I was home for a visit though. I tend to want to get back to my slower paced living on the east coast after about a week of all that the Tdot has to offer, poste haste. But for right now, Toronto is the greatest city on earth. The only thing Montreal has to offer is St. Catherine St.

Posted by: Eyvi at February 16, 2011 4:12 PM

Wintermute is correct.

Quebecois is not merely a culture that can be identified by strict adherence to a love of poutine and above-ground swimming pools, being the worst drivers on the planet and a reliance on Loto 6/49 tickets as a retirement plan, it is also a complex argot used to shield Quebecers' nefarious plans from the rest of the Canadian populace...nay... the WORLD.

Don't worry about it too much. I'm sure you'll all enjoy being under obedience. After all, it is a short cut to perfection. No, no my lambs, don't struggle. Let the mellifluous tones of Celine Dion waft over you, an anodyne to thoughts of reason or logic or resistance.

Posted by: Nobody's Little Weasel at February 16, 2011 4:26 PM

3.Vancouver may as well be Dallas. They're so full of themselves that they are hard to convince that there is a whole country to the East of them.

We know there's a country there, we just can't figure out why anyone would live somewhere so cold.

Toshi's for sushi, on 16th near Main. Order the box sushi; it's not on the menu, but it's excellent. Go with only one other person, as the line-up can be long and trying to seat four is nearly impossible.

Go snowshoeing up Mt. Seymour if you're into winter sports. I can lend you snowshoes.

Take a walk up and down Commercial Drive, enjoying the Italian coffee, the homeless punks and about 30 different kinds of food, from Ethiopian to French-Tunisian.


Posted by: Brenton at February 16, 2011 4:29 PM

@Eyvi,

Home is where the heart is, and I don't mean to stick a knife in yours,

But...

Toronto is only the center of the universe if you're willing to stipulate that the rest is still circling the drain.

It is a rambling disaster of a city, with suburbs that stretch for ages in all directions without providing anything useful or pleasing and some of the worst commuting in the world. There is a greyness about the city that seems to leach all the joy out of life and leaves me longing to be anywhere else.

The worst place I have ever been is trapped in Pearson International Airport looking out at freezing rain covering acre after acre of runway and tarmac and dreading the possibility that I would never be able to escape and see home again.

I would sooner be anywhere in the Maritimes than in Toronto.

If my Grandmother didn't live in Toronto, I'd never go back there. It is a barren and fearsomely, spitefully urban place.

Posted by: Wintermute at February 16, 2011 4:32 PM

I didn't realize there are so many of us in Vancouver. Should we be organizing a Vancouver Pajiba group? Movie nights at the Rio, etc?

Posted by: Brenton at February 16, 2011 4:38 PM

This is worse than watching Pac and Biggie fight.

Posted by: Ian at February 16, 2011 4:41 PM

I sincerely hope you enjoy everything Vancouver has to offer. And I do mean EVERYTHING. *wink, wink* (Seriously? Not one person has mentioned the B.C. Bud yet?)

Kidding aside, have a wonderful trip--Vancouver's a beautiful city, one I would love to spend more time exploring.

Posted by: meaux at February 16, 2011 6:35 PM

6. Bears in Canada are exactly as they are in the U.S., they prefer to be on top.

So very true, but you forgot the most important fact: If a Harris and a Polar Bear mate, we'll get Pandas! (Harris, try and make sure it's a female Polar Bear, that will reduce the odds of being mauled)

Posted by: Xtreme at February 16, 2011 8:05 PM

actually harris just wants to kill polar bears. i respect pajibas ongoing joke about raping pandas, but it has no place here. and nothing to do with our issues.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 16, 2011 8:39 PM

and if you think everything is internet funny, i'll gladly meet you and rectify things in old fashioned ways, like hammers. just come forward.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 16, 2011 8:41 PM

"[Toronto] is a rambling disaster of a city, with suburbs that stretch for ages in all directions without providing anything useful or pleasing and some of the worst commuting in the world. There is a greyness about the city that seems to leach all the joy out of life and leaves me longing to be anywhere else".

LOL!
The greyness you refer to is the lingering ghost of the grim & joyless "Thank-God-It's-Monday" Calvinism that once defined Ontario... Even as recently as the mid 1980s, downtown was deserted on Sundays... & you could buy wine/liquor/beer only by filling out a form at government-run shops, & carrying it home in a brown paper bag... no joke.

Not nearly so bad now.
But then again, just look at the fat-ass clown who was just elected mayor (Mel Lastman, all is forgiven!)

I've always had a love/hate thing with this city, ever since I moved here from Quebec City as a child.
I lived in Scarboro for a long time, a mostly ugly suburb with a few well hidden nice areas: The Rouge Park, the Rouge Hills area, the Guild Inn & a few others.
I always kinda liked East York, & The Beach is a nice area (& no, you don't have to be a yuppie to appreciate it)
A few gems are hidden within Toronto itself too, though not as many as one would hope. or expect.

A lot of people who shit on Toronto probably haven't even been near there... (particularly persistent in this habit are Vancouverites, a pretentious people who are deluded in the belief they are even half as interesting as Torontonians, much less Montrealers).


At least Toronto isn't like neighbouring Mississauga, which is (if you don't count Port Credit), the most soul-suckingly depressing & ugly Hell imaginable. Much much worse than the ugliest parts of Scarboro, worse even than Hamilton & Sudbury.

Mississauga is the kind of place that should be bulldozed & started over again from scratch.

Posted by: oskar at February 16, 2011 9:17 PM

To any Americans who may come up to Toronto for a visit one day: ask someone here about Mel Lastman.

Posted by: harold ballard at February 16, 2011 9:22 PM

actually harris just wants to kill polar bears. i respect pajibas ongoing joke about raping pandas, but it has no place here. and nothing to do with our issues.
Posted by: idleprimate at February 16, 2011 8:39 PM

Perhaps you should bother actually reading shit, primate, I said he should have intercourse with a Polar Bear, who would be on top, which isn't very consistent with - oh fuck it, why do I bother?

Posted by: Xtreme at February 16, 2011 9:48 PM

Excerpt from Paheeba Day, 2010:

Polar Bear Fucking List: This is not a list you want to be on. It’s an annual ritual wherein we take everyone on the list and ship them to Churchill, Manitoba, to be fucked by a polar bear.

Congrats! More bear rape!

Posted by: Xtreme at February 16, 2011 9:58 PM

I am so envious, I love it there and I hope you have a great visit. I can't believe no one recommended the sushi and sashimi! It's DELICIOUS!!!! And the california rolls. And there are some local breweries around the Granville Island market.

I can't knock Quebec City. It's the only city -- afaik -- on the planet that ices up a steep and winding route through the downtown core to hold a competition where three guys at a time, suited up in hockey gear, skate down it at TOP SPEED! I swear to God, it's the most insane thing ever. A brief description: "race takes place on a 550-meter ice-track that not only snakes its way through an urban environment, but also includes a series of high-speed hairpin turns, big-air jumps, drop-offs, and gaps".

How can you not like a city that does that?

Posted by: d at February 16, 2011 11:28 PM

I second the Randy and Evi Quaid comment. Jeesh, why do we get the weirdos!

I hope you have fun here in Vancouver and enjoy the copious amounts of places to get beer but steer clear of Molsons because you will get much better. Our BC wine is really good too. I would recommend you try Therapy. Both red and white varieties are wonderful and the name is priceless.

Other interesting architectural places to see are the downtown library and not too far from that is The Art Gallery. Both also have been heavily featured in TV shows filmed here.

Another place you might want to check out would be Lonsdale Quay in North Vancouver. There are lots of little shops, food stalls and one gets a great view of Vancouver. If you walk just a half block or so up the hill on Lonsdale, you will run into The District which is a excellent eatery (IMO, the best on the North Shore).

Once again, I hope you have a great time here and feel welcomed by the locals. If you don't, you can always tell them to "Take off, eh" because "Its a beauty way to go". The locals should understand. :)

Posted by: mc-rox at February 17, 2011 12:07 AM

YES! A Pajiba Vancouver convention would be wonderful (any excuse to return to my beautiful stomping grounds, really). If you do settle in Van, check out Granville Island and the Charles H. Scott Gallery in the concourse of the Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design. If you're really brave, go inside ECIAD and infiltrate the studio areas and act like a patron and/or student ("Whoa, relax, lowly printmaker, I'm a ARTISTE (aka painting plebe) and I just wandered over to see what the lower case is up to"). Fucking painters, but I digress...welcome to Vancouver, soak up the scenery and embrace the rainy outdoors but don't expect a nightlife unless you're walking the bushes in Stanley Park.

Pajiba-Van 2011!

Posted by: kootenay girl at February 17, 2011 12:35 AM

Now, you've seen the true heart of the True North and so should be well aware of the fact that beer or hockey aren't the hallmarks of our culture, it's ranting semi-coherently about shit half of us have never even seen. If Vancouver could put down the kayaks and boy-hookers for a second, Montreal could sneer at how derivative it is to speak a language coherently, making it possible for to us to distract the Newfies from their cod-water into gold experiments, knock them out, steal the gold and finance our Evil Toronto Business Money Concrete Abortions. Praise Baffin, Nunavut has answered our prayers.

To sum: Canadians are smug, regional little bitches more interested in fanning the flames of baseless discord and nursing wounds older than the Chretiens themselves than in making Little Lichtenstein a reality. So really, just like America, n'est-ce pas?

You want advice about Canada? Here it is: Bring your damned Yankee money and go the fuck home when it's done.

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 17, 2011 12:57 AM

WOW. Holy macaroni, Besser.

Posted by: d at February 17, 2011 1:59 AM

*applause* (for Jo 'Mama' Besser)

Posted by: io at February 17, 2011 6:19 AM

oh jo mama, you are on a frickin yellow brick road. can i be your smug, regional little bitch.

and aint it the truth. we don't mind the odd moneyed yankee, as long as you go the fuck home afterward. thus canada speaks an age old prossie truth.

Posted by: idleprimate at February 17, 2011 7:42 AM

Watson says Toronto belongs to the United States, and who are we to argue with our new computer overlords?

We'll come by and pick it up in a few days. Could you 'Nucks tidy it up a bit for us?

'Preciate it. Be nice to visit without having to flash a passport.

Posted by: , at February 17, 2011 7:54 AM

What did Watson tell you? You know nothing of the crunch! A pox on his tungsten cock, his mother was a stud in a wall and clearly he's following suit! The apple doesn't whore far from the CPU--or Apple? I don't even know. Still, don't you dare fall in with their magnesium lies, because had it not been for their thrill kill-oriented chicanery, the world would have been able enjoy the undiscovered 'plu-crack-i-um' that is owed so dearly to it. People are always drinking kettle drums full of whatever like it's anti-freeze. No one ever asks about the owner of chemicals, they just ingest like it's Play-Doh.

Do not bring Watson into this, Comma-Xenu. Just imagine a life in which you became old before the wisdom juice(Metamucil and warm buttermilk) took hold.

Seduced by an alloy, sir. If you can't reconcile yourself to that fact, there's nothing left but Cry-anetics.

That was your intervention, Dances With E-Meters. Feel cleansed?

Posted by: Jo 'Mama' Besser at February 17, 2011 1:43 PM