You're All Going to F**king Die! Summer Reads to Get You Sweaty

By Brian Prisco | Miscellaneous | June 16, 2011 |

By Brian Prisco | Miscellaneous | June 16, 2011 |

If not for the glory of my Kindle, my “books to be read” pile would be stacked like a pyramid of Colon Blow beside my bed and smothering my poor fiancee and dog, instead of blipping in a smug number at the top of my indispensable electronic reader. (It’s 141. And growing.) And I keep a little memo list on my phone every time a new book gets released that I am excited about. It’s how I came to realize that the world might just end on October 18th, because there are four books coming out that day.

Anyway, since everyone is clearly already reading The Borrower, because I demanded it of you and because it’s a lovely little book, I thought I would share six other books I’m awaiting with fevered anticipation. Because if you are a fantasy nerd like I, July is going to be your promised land.

At current, I’m enjoying the hell out of Those Guys Have All The Fun: Inside the World of ESPN, the book about the founding of ESPN by the same two gents who wrote the excellent documentary style “Saturday Night Live” book, Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller. Keith Olbermann and Craig Kilborn were dicks?! Say it ain’t so! I’m also reading Laurell K. Hamilton’s newest Anita Blake novels Bullet and Hit List. Because I’ll never learn. I fought through the middle inning wereporn and she started to get back into the gung-ho gunslinger that I liked from the first books, and somehow she’s managed to find a happy medium between the fucking and the fighting, but not really. But how pissed must she be? According to her, she invented the werewolf/vampire romance genre, and yet Jim Butcher, Charlaine Harris, and Stephenie Meyer all got television or film series, and she got squat. Maybe she can sell it to STARZ. They like constant peen and murders.

Make sure the litter the comments section with your upcoming delights.

Robopocalypse by Daniel H. Wilson (June 7)

First it was zombies, and now it’s mothafuckin’ robots and shit. It’s pretty much the Isaac Asimov version of Max Brooks’ World War Z, but I liked it, so why wouldn’t you like more of the same? I haven’t cracked it yet, but rumor has it that it’s a little more Skynet than I, Robot. Plus, Spielberg already started in on film production, so make sure to get it read in time for the groans in 2013. I’m just kidding, the world will already have ended and we will welcome our new Claptrap overlords.

Before I Go To Sleep by S. J. Watson (June 14)

Not to be confused with Go The Fuck To Sleep or our very own Steven L. Wilson, Watson’s debut novel has a pretty creepy Memento flavor: a woman named Christine goes to sleep and cannot remember anything when she wakes up. Her husband Ben has to re-explain their lives together every day. Her doctor encourages her to keep a journal to help her with her affliction. She wakes up one day and reads “Don’t trust Ben.” That is either the awesomest three word setup or a really shitty “Law & Order” episode. Hopefully it’s the former, but I’ve been burned before. And if you hate it, blame my brother, who recommended it.

The Devil Colony (A Sigma Force Novel) by James Rollins (June 21)

Rollins is like a couple klicks above James Patterson and Dan Brown, but goddammit, I love the Sigma Force series. It’s a combination of Rainbow Six and Indiana Jones — so much so that Rollins was hired to pen the Indiana Jones novelization for — hmm, that’s funny? Apparently, they never made a fourth Indy movie. Whaddaya know? The Sigma Force is basically a U.S. government funded group of military-trained scientists. They have doctorates in anthropology, biochemistry, and ripping your fucking spine out. (Only offered at SUNY: Poughkeepsie). This one’s about some sort of lost colony that may mean the founding of America was a lie. If you can get past the fact that the lead character’s name is Painter Crowe, you might be able to enjoy this popcorn action.

A Dance With Dragons (Book Five of A Song of Ice and Fire) by George R.R. Martin (July 12)

Really? Really, really? Really, really this time, George? I’ve been regretfully recommending this series to friends ever since you cockmunchers turned me on to it. Not because it’s not some of the best stuff I’ve read in a long time and a series I devoured, but because I knew they’d plow through the four books and sit there forlornly on the cliff many folks have been gazing into since 2005. But with the HBO series plodding alone, Martin appears to have at last hacked through his elusive knot and finished up with the book he promised us for over 6 years. As those who’ve been only watching the series know, Martin’s not shy about murdering off lead characters. And as those of us who’ve read the novels know, holy shit, you think that death was shocking? Just fucking wait, kids.

Ghost Story (A Dresden Files Novel) by Jim Butcher (July 26)

Most of us are fans of the Harry Dresden novels by Jim Butcher. And usually, we’re pretty excited for the next novel, which Butcher regularly drops come April. When I completed the last novel Changes, like most of you who have, I screamed and threw the book across the room and was flabbergasted. And when Jim Butcher delayed the release another three months, it was particularly motherfucking cruel of him, considering where the bearded sumbitch left us hanging. Even the brief short story in Side Jobs didn’t help. But he’s not much for cheap gimmicks, so there has to be a method to his madness. And at last, we get to find out. All I know is, July 26th is the Tuesday following Comic-Con, so perhaps now that the convention is no longer going to be a trailer fest for studios, we might actually get to speak with Mr. Butcher. And beat him to shit.

The Postmortal by Drew Magary (August 30th)

Last, but certainly not least, comes a late August novel from blogger Drew Magary of Kissing Suzy Kolber fame. Dustin got his hands on an advanced copy of the novel and was pretty flush with praise. It’s actually Magary’s second novel after Men With Balls, but this one is fiction. And it sounds goddamn intriguing. It’s set in a world where people are given The Cure for old age (and not the one with Robert Smith). But this doesn’t mean everything else can’t kill you. Cults, evil green people, government euthanasia programs — and supposedly other horrors. Nice.