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Whom Would You Rather See Under The Lens?

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (42)



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Alright boys and girls, horndogs and lustbunnies, we heard your cries of dismay on Friday when confronted with the Garfield/Bieber Dissection. We apologize, that was dirty pool. You know what they say, little ones, sometimes scientific progress goes boink. To ensure this never happens again, we would like to poll you, Junior Scientists, to see which specimens you feel should be subject to further scientific analysis. It’s a rough task and heavy is the head that wears the goggles, but we will soldier on for you, dear readers, and for Science.

Please, submit your scientific proposals for our review using the following examples as a guide:

(For the Lovers of Lads)

Title: Lantern Jaws, A Comparative Study
Specimens: Jon Hamm v. Nathan Fillion

Title: Foreign Policy: A Study Abroad
Specimens: Djimon Honsou v. Javier Bardem

(For the Lovers of Ladies)

Title: Habanero vs. Peperoncini, A Study in Spice
Specimens: Penelope Cruz v. Monica Bellucci

Title: A Study in Scarlet
Specimens: Amy Adams v. Karen Gillan

Submissions should be single-spaced, typed in an inoffensive font and do not have to include the word “study” just because the Scientific Community was uncreative with our examples. Special consideration will be given for clever word play (the Scientific Community is particularly partial to puns). But remember, this isn’t for us, this is for Science. Oh, and for George Clooney. Cloons brought his own lens.

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Joanna Robinson wants to remind you that this is not a democracy, it’s a cheerocracy, so she’ll probably just end up doing whatever she wants anyway. This is also, sometimes, an idiocracy, but that’s another discussion for another time.









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Comments

Title: Ugly Hot: Who Has the Stranger Appeal?

Steve Buscemi vs. Willem Dafoe

Posted by: stardust at January 24, 2011 11:30 AM

Title: Une étude des dames françaises
Specimens: Juliette Binoche v. Marion Cotillard

Posted by: Simon at January 24, 2011 11:32 AM

Title: Creepy Hot: Giving the Ladies Confusing Tinglies

Gary Oldman vs. Alan Rickman

Posted by: stardust at January 24, 2011 11:39 AM

Possibly Gay: I Can Turn Him Straight
Hugh Jackman vs. James Franco

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at January 24, 2011 11:45 AM

I've Died and gone to Pussy Heaven
Mary kate Olsen vs Ashley Olsen vs my dick

Posted by: Vorax at January 24, 2011 11:51 AM

Title: Actors who could play Mr Smith in a movie

Vince Vaughn vs Joshua Jackson (RiP)

Posted by: Mrs Smith at January 24, 2011 11:56 AM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM!

Seriously, though, if he doesn't win, I'm gonna administer some justice round these parts.

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 24, 2011 11:57 AM

Ooh I love the Oldman/Rickman pairing. Add a Tim Roth for good measure, call me in the morning.

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 24, 2011 11:58 AM

Title: Proper Billing, Get it?
Bill Pullman v. Bill Paxton

Posted by: Paultera at January 24, 2011 11:59 AM

Title: Habanero vs. Peperoncini, A Study in Spice
Specimens: Sofia Vergara v. Monica Bellucci v. Penelope Cruz.

There ya go.

Posted by: Mrcreosote at January 24, 2011 12:00 PM

Title: English Ginger

Paul Bettany vs Damian Lewis

Posted by: Mrs Smith at January 24, 2011 12:01 PM

Aw, c'mon man, where're the PICTURES?? I am torn on the subject of Bardem v. Hounsou, but I simply cannot say this enough times: FILLION FILLION FILLION.

Also: Bill Pullman, and Paul Bettany FTW.

Posted by: Samantha at January 24, 2011 12:07 PM

Endurance Vs. Recovery or: When Shall Admin Return From The Closet Where Jesus Can See What He Does.

Rachel Weisz vs. Monica Bellucci

Posted by: admin at January 24, 2011 12:16 PM

I vote for any and all of those. And if there's a way to shoehorn Alex O'Loughlin in any of those (or maybe just random pix of that hotness), all the better, because yum.

Posted by: Chickaboom at January 24, 2011 12:16 PM

I'D LIKE TO CRAWL INSIDE YOUR EAR

Posted by: Mr Mr Mr at January 24, 2011 12:19 PM

Title: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Choose

The male cast of Friday Night Lights (it is their last season after all and that cast is stacked)

Title: Family Ties

Peter Sarsgaard vs. Jake Gyllenhaal

or Casey Affleck vs. Ben Affleck

Title: A Theory of Evolution

Andy Garcia > Stanley Tucci > Mark Strong (Have you ever seen their pictures lined up together? it's uncanny.)

Posted by: jM at January 24, 2011 12:21 PM

UTOPIAN PHILOPIAN AND EMACULATE EJACULATE:
A THEORETICAL STUDY ON WHICH FAMOUS COUPLING WOULD PRODUCE THE BEST LOOKING CHILDREN.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 24, 2011 12:32 PM

Title: They can access our minds through our dreams
Specimens: Tom Hardy v Joseph Gordan Levitt

Posted by: brdkelli at January 24, 2011 12:38 PM

I'm just going to say...Monica Bellucci wins all. No matter what vs you try to do. Male vs Male, Female vs Female, Male vs Female, she wins them all. Hands down.

This scientific study, and conversation, are over.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 24, 2011 12:43 PM

Title: Ugly Hot: Who Has the Stranger Appeal?
Steve Buscemi vs. Willem Dafoe

"Like"

Title: Creepy Hot: Giving the Ladies Confusing Tinglies
Gary Oldman vs. Alan Rickman

"Like"

Title: They can access our minds through our dreams
Specimens: Tom Hardy v Joseph Gordan Levitt

"Like"

Title: Clear Eyes, Full Hearts, Can't Choose
The male cast of Friday Night Lights (it is their last season after all and that cast is stacked)

"Super Deluxe Ultra Mega Like"

Posted by: Anna von Beav at January 24, 2011 12:58 PM

Title: Walters on the Wild Side
Specimens: Bryan Cranston vs. John Goodman

Title: Take Me Where We Cannot Stand
Specipeoples: The Men and/or Women of Firefly

Title: A Lesson in the Classics
Speciladies: Sophia Loren vs. Raquel Welch

Posted by: branded at January 24, 2011 1:02 PM

And because it's fun:

Title: Warning, Dangerous Curves Ahead
Specimens: Scarlett Johansson v Christina Hendricks

Posted by: brdkelli at January 24, 2011 1:04 PM

Title: They can access our minds through our dreams
Specimens: Tom Hardy v Joseph Gordan Levitt

Yes. This. Now.

But can we call it In Vest Men Fun for the punnage?

Posted by: jM at January 24, 2011 1:15 PM

Salma Hayek vs. Sofia Vergara:
Which Latina Actress Has The Most Boyant Breasts.

Posted by: L.O.V.E. at January 24, 2011 1:32 PM

i want to hop on the clear eyes, full hearts, can't choose train.

kyle chandler v. taylor kitsch v. zach gilford v. michael b. jordan v. matt lauria v. guy from true blood

Posted by: the chaplain at January 24, 2011 3:26 PM

Title: Crazy as an Rabid Badger

Gary Busey vs Crispin Glover

Posted by: The Mutt at January 24, 2011 3:40 PM

I'm loving the Kyle Chandler love. Perhaps a more even playing field would be:

Title: I May Have Daddy Issues
Specimens: Kyle Chandler v Peter Gallagher

Posted by: brdkelli at January 24, 2011 4:44 PM

stardust, there is nothing creepy about alan rickman. YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Title: Not Kosher

Jon Hamm vs. Kevin Bacon

Who to Call When Denzel is Busy

Chiwitel Ejiofor vs. Idris Elba

Posted by: stopthemadness formerly and currently known as Angry Black Lady at January 24, 2011 5:01 PM

hamm vs. anyone = no brainer.

one hamm to rule them all.

Posted by: stopthemadness formerly and currently known as Angry Black Lady at January 24, 2011 5:03 PM

He is a wee bit creepy, you gotta admit. But, so is my perennial #1 Freebie Gary Oldman. That's what makes them so delish.

Posted by: stardust at January 24, 2011 5:34 PM

INITIALIZING SYSTEM...

UPLOADING CURRENT THIRD WORLD CRISES...

CHECKING CURRENT METEOROLOGICAL READOUTS IN LAKE COMO REGION...

ClooneyBOT...ENGAGE!

ClooneyBOT--->Function 1: Calculate necessary quantitative factors to obscure previous career mishaps. Key in on entities known as BATMAN, LEATHERHEADS, ONE FINE DAY....

calculating...

ClooneyBOT ANALYSIS: ((Tomameter readout of UP IN THE AIR x Gross profit from (OCEAN'S 11+12+13))^references to Edwin R. Murrow post-GN&GL)/(Nominations for MICHAEL CLAYTON)= CURRENT PUBLIC ACCEPTANCE LEVEL.

ClooneyBOT--->Function 2: Calculate ladder-ranking based standing in world of ELITIST LIBERAL ENTITIES. Key in on entities not labeled MOVIES, WOMEN CLOONEY HAS SLEPT WITH, AMERICAN POLITICAL CLIMATE...

calculating...

ClooneyBOT ANALYSIS: (((Starving children saved in DARFUR, SUDAN + CHARITABLE DONATIONS)/(Failure of current ITALIAN BROAD to do anything substantial - Brad Pitt's BEARD LENGTH) x (growing public affinity towards GRAYING MEN) = STANDING IN PROMINENT CIRCLES.

ClooneyBOT standby for further instruction...

Posted by: D-Day at January 24, 2011 5:50 PM

Title: The Doppleganger Effect
Javier Bardem vs. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Posted by: memily at January 24, 2011 5:52 PM

Aha! I've been inspired by another thread:

Title: The Fiennes Conundrum
Specimens: Ralph and Joseph Fiennes

I need science to help me decide between the better actor (Ralph) and the stud (Joseph).

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 24, 2011 7:04 PM

My number one vote (cuz it makes me tingly):

Title: They can access our minds through our dreams
Specimens: Tom Hardy v Joseph Gordan Levitt

My "so funny, soda came out ma nose" vote:

Title: Crazy as an Rabid Badger
Gary Busey vs Crispin Glover

But really, in terms of rigorous scientific side-by-side comparisons, I think we should go for dopplegangers and/or family, such as:

Javier Bardem vs. Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Ralph vs. Joseph Fiennes

etc.

Posted by: MM at January 24, 2011 8:37 PM

Allison Brie on me.

Vs me?

No, on me.

What were we talking about?

Posted by: A-schaef at January 24, 2011 9:29 PM

Title: The Community Question
Specimens: Allison Brie v. Gillian Jacobs

Posted by: Uriah Creep at January 24, 2011 11:14 PM

Title: The Doppleganger Effect
Javier Bardem vs. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
vs. Robert Downey Jr.

Posted by: noonoo at January 24, 2011 11:59 PM

I don't get how people get past Alison Brie's super squeaky voice.

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 25, 2011 12:11 AM

Title: Creepy Hot: Giving the Ladies Confusing Tinglies (Part 2)
Cillian Murphy vs. Kevin Durand

Posted by: Even Stevens at January 25, 2011 12:28 AM

Title: I'd give my left nut to be this witty.
Specimens: Pinky McLadybits v. stopthemadness

P.S. Joanna, between the "love spackle" love and the Calvin and Hobbes reference, I want to marry you and honeymoon at the Xkcd Museum. (There is one, isn't there?)

Posted by: Inara's Training Partner at January 25, 2011 12:32 AM

I'm just going to say...Monica Bellucci wins all. No matter what vs you try to do. Male vs Male, Female vs Female, Male vs Female, she wins them all. Hands down.

This scientific study, and conversation, are over.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at January 24, 2011 12:43 PM

---------

Second.

Monica Bellucci could walk down the street stark naked, and the most extreme right-wing nutjob could not take offence at it, for it would be simply God's Woman Blueprint passing by.

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 25, 2011 5:11 AM

I don't get how people get past Alison Brie's super squeaky voice.

They're called boobs. I don't know why I have to keep pointing these out.

Posted by: D-Day at January 25, 2011 10:37 AM