Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On: A Pajiba Guide To Getting Through Your First Earthquake

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (44)

Many residents on the East Coast of these here United States felt their first earthquake today. A 5.9 magnitude earthquake with an epicenter in Virginia rocked the area for…what was that? 30 seconds? Oh and, according to the NYT, “China shattered and pictures fell off walls.” Okay kittens. Is everyone safe? Good. Well excuse us California peeps our snickering. I know, I know. It was scary! You weren’t prepared. We’ll here’s a few tips so next time you won’t look quite so, um, delicate.

Don’t Panic.

Consult Your Local Physician.

Listen To Your Political Leaders, They’re Here For You.

Adopt A Confident, Rosie The Riveter, “We Can Do It” Attitude.

Pay No Attention To These Chicks, Go UNDER The Desk, Not On Top Of It
Breakfast Club.

Don’t Be So Uptight, Let Loose.

In Fact, Employ The Crazy Eyes, Everyone Will Get The F*ck Outta Your Way Come Evacuation Times.

Get To A Clear, Open Area. Avoid Trees (And Smoke Monsters).

Now, More Than Ever, Is The Time For See-Through Pants.

Or, You Know, No Pants.

There’s A Hush During An Earthquake. A Calm Right Before The Panic. My Advice? Enjoy The Silence.

Joanna Robinson is genuinely glad no one is hurt and is sorry Dustin and his boy are out and about today. Please accept this subpar Gif-ing and go here to see the Master Gif-er at work.

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Comments

Shit just got real.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at August 23, 2011 4:16 PM

Midtown NYC: I felt nothing.

or I felt something and thought it was a subway.

or the margarita I was drinking made me generally oblivious.

Posted by: Sara Tonin at August 23, 2011 4:17 PM

I can't wait until you West Coast fuckers get a half inch of snow this winter.

Then we'll see who's a pussy (you are).

Posted by: Paul Southworth at August 23, 2011 4:18 PM

I thought it was cute that my brother, who lives in LA, texted to make sure I was ok. And was kind enough not to mock our coastline for overreacting. He's a dear like that.

Posted by: KatSings at August 23, 2011 4:20 PM

Rookies.

Posted by: dorquemada at August 23, 2011 4:23 PM

Coming less than 6 months after Japan, I don't think a little panic is unreasonable. 5.9 is kind of a big one.

I was bothered that on none of the cable channels I tuned to (for about 5 minutes) to see footage of actual damage or whatnot could I see mention of D.C., even though the epicenter was apparently in VA. It was all about NYC. Is the NY media really that egocentric? Or did I just not watch long enough? I'm still at work, so I can't stay glued to the tube for a great length of time.

Posted by: Slash at August 23, 2011 4:26 PM

I can't wait until you West Coast fuckers get a half inch of snow this winter.
Then we'll see who's a pussy (you are).
Posted by: Paul Southworth at August 23, 2011 4:18 PM

Truth. I grew up in the northeast, and it's a frickin riot to watch Portlanders flip the fuck out when it snows. Or ices. Or when the sun comes out.

Posted by: dorquemada at August 23, 2011 4:26 PM

Naw, man, these .gifs are fucking awesome.

Thank you, Mistress Joanna!

Posted by: MM at August 23, 2011 4:30 PM

My buddy just posted a picture on facebook of an overturned trash can entitled "Capturing the devastation of today's earthquake." I can't stop cackling.

Posted by: Julie at August 23, 2011 5:06 PM

Are we sure it was an earthquake? 3.....2.....1

Cue the conspiracy theorists (depending which side of the aisle you like):

A. It was Obama's secret Islamic war machine being tested underground

B. It was Rush Limbaugh farting

C. It was Chris Christie dancing

D. It was Rick Perry's God teaching all those inside-the-beltwayers a lesson

Posted by: PaddyDog at August 23, 2011 5:06 PM

I can't wait until you West Coast fuckers get a half inch of snow this winter.

Then we'll see who's a pussy (you are).

I'm going to go ahead and say there is a difference between being kind of stoked about actually getting snow at Christmas (which is what usually happens around here) and flipping the fuck out and closing a few major airports because of an earthquake that has (thus far) caused no reports of any serious injury or death.

Posted by: Amanda6 at August 23, 2011 5:15 PM

Sorry, broke my italics.

Posted by: Amanda6 at August 23, 2011 5:16 PM

Snow? If it mists heavily people drive off the roads on So Cal. Just wait until you have a real earthquake. I've lived in the LA area all my life and have three over 6.0 under my belt so man up!!!

Posted by: Ang at August 23, 2011 5:16 PM

That dancing Silence is awesome.

I feel that I've been in LA long enough to snicker at the east coast hysteria, but truth be told this now grizzled earthquake veteran has never experienced bigger than a 5.9 (maybe that biggest one was a 6.2 or 6.3, but it was not too close), so I guess we're actually even.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at August 23, 2011 5:17 PM

I live in Washington DC, and frankly I think the East Coast overreaction is because for a second everyone thought this was a terrorist attack. I mean, you're in downtown DC in an office building working innocently when everything starts to shake. If your first thought isn't "bomb," then one of your coworkers is going to say it for you.
I know the East Coast is acting all childish about this earthquake, but it always hurts my feelings a little bit when West Coast-ers sound patronizing. We all have problems. Today things rattled a little bit. But if you live in this environment where you go through security checkpoints to just use the bathroom or buy coffee at lunchtime, you find yourself on edge and waaaaaay too easily excitable. Be nice to us!
*slinks away to sulk by herself*

Posted by: katyv at August 23, 2011 5:25 PM

Would you make this kind of joke if a blizzard hit the west coast and no one knew what to do? Just because the first major earthquake in a long time on the east coast is close to a common occurence on the west coast does not give all you west coasters liberty to openly mock people who have never experienced an earthquake before. Do you laugh at your infants who start crying during their first earthquake or tourists who start to have panic attacks because everything is shaking around them? Cause I don't do it when west coasters visit Jersey and get stuck in a blizzard. It's cruel and insensitive.

I'm not saying you did this, Joanna, as most of your post was actually rather funny. I'm still pissed at some bloggers on Twitter who are retweeting every "what's happening? My desk was shaking and all the pictures fell off my walls. #sendhelp" tweets with snarky commentary. That's just cruel.

Posted by: Robert at August 23, 2011 5:28 PM

The mall I work at was in FULL stampede mode when it happened.

No security guards in sight.

No cell service for about 30 minutes.

Eh, I figure it is my training for moving to California next month.

Posted by: grace b at August 23, 2011 5:46 PM

I'm still pissed at some bloggers on Twitter who are retweeting every "what's happening? My desk was shaking and all the pictures fell off my walls. #sendhelp" tweets with snarky commentary. That's just cruel.

Did you know that an entirely unrelated 5.7 magnitude earthquake hit Colorado today as well? There are on average over 60 earthquakes between a 5.0 and a 5.9 magnitude in the U.S. every single year. You'll all be fine. Everyone is glad you'll all be fine.

Now you'd best get to the store because the 24 hour news networks are making it seem like there's a sudden clean underwear shortage.

Posted by: branded at August 23, 2011 5:58 PM

Honestly, I thought I needed to call an ambulance and get myself a neuro evaluation at first, because I was home alone and I thought I was having a seizure or something. I even went outside to see if it was just the house (which I know now is the wrong move).

For never having experienced the sensation before, the ground itself moving is rather terrifying.

But then I checked my USGS seismic activity app, and my geoscience dorkitude finally paid off!

Posted by: That Girl at August 23, 2011 5:59 PM

I thought Joanna's post was pretty funny, but I agree with katyv and robert - it's a little bit freakier when you're first thought is "bomb" not "earthquake". And in my multi-story office in downtown DC, everybody definitely thought bomb.

I've lived through hurricane Katrina before this, so I think I have sufficient disaster street cred to tell Cali folks to give us a break.

Posted by: Ambs at August 23, 2011 6:12 PM

Can I just take a moment to point out that, from what I've seen, nobody is actually ...what was the phrase? "Flipping the fuck out"? Most of the people I've talked to who felt it were unnerved, at most. And, as Robert pointed out, when this is something that is EXTREMELY rare (this is exactly the second earthquake we've had on this side of the country in my somewhat long lifetime), and ESPECIALLY when you don't immediately know what's going on, it can be very scary for some folks. Oh, and it was the FAA's decision to ground flights, not a bunch of random panicked people.

My boss did get pretty panicky. She doesn't handle natural disasters very well. I'm not really going to judge her for that just because I'm relatively calm about things. And to be honest, when you don't know what is actually causing your building to sway pretty hard, which is something that could have a number of causes (bomb, gas main explosion from the building they're knocking down a couple blocks over, earthquake, something to do with the manhunt that was going on all morning), any one of which *could* become a serious issue, I'm surprised more people WEREN'T terrified.

Basically, what I'm saying is, you can take your condescension and your "YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY"s and stuff them up your asses. We already know it wasn't that big a deal. Like I said, unnerved at most. Kthx.

Posted by: Anna von Beav at August 23, 2011 6:28 PM

They can snicker all they want. I'm from Michigan and our ground doesn't shake goddamnit! At least usually.

Posted by: logan at August 23, 2011 7:00 PM

Are people really judging the reaction of the entire population of the east coast by what the fucking TV news is doing?

That's just goddam retarded.

These are the morons who treat every shark attack as if it's Sharkpocalypse, every celebrity wedding as if it's the Wedding of the Century and every missing white girl as if she's the most important white girl in the history of humankind. They idle at "hysterical." The rest of the U.S., not so much.

Posted by: Slash at August 23, 2011 7:02 PM

My grandparents live about 35 miles from the epicenter of the quake. My grandma's description of trying to get to my grandfather (who is disabled) as she felt their patio stairs jerking from under her feet was truly frightening.

However, when I asked if their house was okay, she came back with, "All the mirrors are crooked and all my knick knacks are askew! I'm going from room to room straightening everything now." So, she bounced back from her trauma quickly.

Posted by: Angeleno Ewok at August 23, 2011 7:52 PM

Yeah, no one I know freaked out. Most people are just kind of shocked that we felt an earthquake at all. That's about it.

Posted by: Julie at August 23, 2011 8:08 PM

I live in Philly. I was just glad it wasn't a flash mob. Now that shit is frightening!

Posted by: Estelle at August 23, 2011 10:04 PM

Same here, Julie.

Posted by: ang at August 23, 2011 10:12 PM

Truth. I grew up in the northeast, and it's a frickin riot to watch Portlanders flip the fuck out when it snows. Or ices. Or when the sun comes out.
Posted by: dorquemada at August 23, 2011 4:26 PM

Also truth. I'm from Mass and PA and have lived in Portland for 5 years. Arctic Blast '08 effed this city up!

Posted by: S_effen_D at August 23, 2011 10:31 PM

At least we don't have to live in California.

Posted by: Lucas at August 23, 2011 10:38 PM

I grew up in Japan, so I snigger at Californian on their much less frequent and shaky earthquake scares they got.

Posted by: yocean at August 23, 2011 10:46 PM

Hey, it cracked the Washington Monument, so not too much of a non-event ;) It was briefly scary, and then business as usual. I do not, however, want to experience that again.

Posted by: Jifaner at August 24, 2011 12:48 AM

I can't wait until you West Coast fuckers get a half inch of snow this winter.

Um. California gets a shitload more snow than half an inch per year.

http://thestormking.com/Weather/Sierra_Snowfall/sierra_snowfall.html

Posted by: puffin at August 24, 2011 1:19 AM

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Posted by: Bathing suits at August 24, 2011 5:42 AM

Most people I talked to thought it was pretty cool, with the exception of my friend in DC who was evacuated from her office building downtown.
My friends who are in Turks and Caicos right now were disappointed to miss it, but that's probably mostly due to the fact that they're on lockdown for Hurricane Irene. Quake=lesser of 2 evils.

Posted by: Whorish Mouth at August 24, 2011 7:56 AM

I am a professional drinker. I am quite used to seeing the ground sway and the walls go askew.

I was at work and I felt ... nothing. I'm kind of disappointed.

And I'd mock people who live in the west and south and clear the shelves of milk and toilet paper at the more forecast of a snowflake, if yinzers in snow-belt Pittsburgh didn't do the same thing.

Posted by: , at August 24, 2011 9:54 AM

*--mere. Or more. However you want to read it.

Posted by: , at August 24, 2011 9:55 AM

They can snicker all they want. I'm from Michigan and our ground doesn't shake goddamnit! At least usually.

That's a plus. The bad news is, you live in fucking Michigan.

Posted by: The Other Agent Johnson at August 24, 2011 10:31 AM

I was in the big one in Turkey in 1999, ya bunch of bloody amateurs.

But seriously, if I was in Virginia when this one hit, I'd be thinking BOMB first, too. I think most people are relieved that it was just an earthquake.

Since there was a quake in Colorado just a few hours before the Virginia quake, I wonder if a third will hit.

Posted by: BWeaves at August 24, 2011 10:52 AM

The earth never moves when I'm having sex. Gotta make my own quake.

Posted by: dl at August 24, 2011 12:25 PM

I honestly thought it was some sort of terrorist attack and with the 10th anniv of 9/11 I think many people on the East Coast are well within their right to be on edge.

Posted by: blacksred at August 24, 2011 1:35 PM

Loving the fellow DCers coming out of the woodwork. I was on the 12th floor downtown in DC when this happened, and you can bet your ass that everyone thought it was a bomb. What's even scarier right now, though, is the grocery store in preparation for Irene. And here the weather forecast reads "possible thunderstorms." I'll take an earthquake any day over the bread aisle at Safeway right now.

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Posted by: Letitia Cress at October 6, 2011 9:41 PM

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Whole Lotta Shakin' Going On: A Pajiba Guide To Getting Through Your First Earthquake

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