Spock is all about logic. And if he were still chilling out in his coffin, orbiting the Genesis Planet, he’d be rolling in that coffin. Because JJ Abrams’ Star Trek is many things, but it’s not logical. It actually reminds me quite a bit of Abrams’ “Alias” — it starts off strong as hell (albeit, without a hot chick running around in skimpy clothes doing cool spy shit), but winds up becoming so buried in its own mythology that the ensuing pretzel makes you thirsty, but it don’t make no sense. I know William Shatner was pissed about not getting a chance to be in this flick, but he should count his lucky stars.
…Actually, I have no idea whether the flick’s any good. I haven’t seen it, yet. Dan’s the man reviewing it for the site, and that review will be up just a little later today. But I figured that by mid-day, the bigger asshole commenters would be littering up the comment sections of other posts with all the “this is good and all but where the fuck’s the Star Trek review, asshole” crap. It’s coming, nerdlinger, it’s coming. Keep your Spock ears on.
In the meantime, here’s an episode of the Retarded Policeman to hold you over:
this was a good joke and all but where the fuck’s the Star Trek review, asshole?
Posted by: rj at May 8, 2009 11:39 AM
Devious trickery!
Posted by: PaleoLithchick at May 8, 2009 11:40 AM
I was in a theatre yesterday to watch Gran Torino (very good) and there was one dude in a Trek suit and ears..
Only then I realized it opened in the Netherlands..
I laughed very much out loud walking by.
heh heh
Posted by: Magiel at May 8, 2009 11:40 AM
"It was a tumultuous time for the nation. The clear beverage craze gave us all a reason to live. The information superhighway told the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek."
Posted by: Case at May 8, 2009 11:42 AM
Fuck, that intro scared me. I'll just go back to patiently waiting for the actual review then - and I saw the movie on Wednesday, so I've been waiting for almost TWO days.
Posted by: Thijs at May 8, 2009 11:46 AM
I've got a buddy who thinks every Trek film except Wrath of Khan sucks to varying degrees. He was hard core Trekkie/Trekker/whatever back in the day. And he has seen this one twice already. He doesn't go for hyperbole so I'm way more psyched for this than I was, and I was pretty amped up before.
Oh, OH pick me! I've totally seen it! I thoroughly enjoyed it too, which I didn't really expect. My previous Star Trek experience is virtually null (that one with the whales and the recent review series on this site) so I can't speak for the fans, but I thought it stood up pretty well on its own.
Posted by: Chugga at May 8, 2009 11:52 AM
Let's see, my local newspaper liked it, CNN.com liked it (or whoever they get their reviews from, EW?), and Roger Ebert thought it was fun but illogical.
Posted by: BWeaves at May 8, 2009 11:53 AM
I am not a fan of Star Trek, but I figured I'd check the review to see if it really was accessible to non-Trekkies, you know sort of like homework.
Imagine my chagrin to find a Retarded Policeman clip. Thanks, Seth, I owe you one.
Posted by: Kayanne at May 8, 2009 11:53 AM
I'm seeing this tomorrow. You made me nervous for a second there, Seth. Well played.
Oh, and thanks for the retard.
Posted by: Kballs at May 8, 2009 11:56 AM
Heh. I still think Harlan Ellison said it best when he called Star Trek intellectual bat guano.
Posted by: Ray at May 8, 2009 12:07 PM
this was a good joke and all but where the fuck’s the Star Trek review, asshole?
But seriously, where the fuck's the review for Next Day Air?
Posted by: branded at May 8, 2009 12:14 PM
Yeah Freilich you’re real witty, I’m shocked Rolling Stone hasn’t hired you yet.
Posted by: Guess who! at May 8, 2009 12:14 PM
I've been eagerly waiting the review... darn it Pajiba, make it so!
Posted by: Gnaius at May 8, 2009 12:20 PM
I love the Retarded Policeman!! He makes my tarred soul smile.
Also: Ha. I'm still on the fence about seeing this...and I was INSANE about the original series as a little girl. Even went as a vulcan one halloween, thus cementing my already well established outsider status as a weird kid. I love Nimoy. Love. Him.
Quinto can suck it!
Posted by: tf breakher at May 8, 2009 12:20 PM
And hear I was going to come into this thread and argue up and down that it was way better than a turd in a bucket. Psh. I feel punked.
Posted by: Roaddog at May 8, 2009 12:28 PM
Ray, Harlan Ellison wrote City on the Edge of Forever, and he called Star Trek "intellectual bat guano?"
What a douche.
I mean, yeah, it wasn't exactly mindbending stuff, but neither was it SHIT. And that episode -- which, coincidentally, I just caught in reruns LAST WEEK, for chrissakes -- was goddamned GOOD. Even though McCoy's makeup was almost as awful as his acting, though they kept him, mercifully, out of it as much as they plausibly could.
I LOVED that episode, goddamnit. It's just about the only time travel story I've ever found remotely plausible and thought-provoking without making me go bug-fuck crazy. And even whatserface was decent in it.
I think Ellison was just pissed they didn't hire him to write MORE episodes.
By the by, if anyone's interested in reading any Ellison, his book of short stories, Angry Candy, is excellent.
(Oh -- as for the movie... I find myself absolutely uninterested in seeing it. I've seen the preview with its pounding soundtrack and young, hip actors and all I can think is: "Meh. Fuck this shit." So, yeah -- I am officially an old fuck. At 41. Oh, joy.)
Shit... I can't believe I just spelled "here" wrong. Sorry. I've still got a case of the stupids on account that I drank far, far too much delicious dark beer last night and still haven't fully recovered.
But Star Trek WAS the tits. It was awesomeness wrapped in nipples that I wanted to play with all day long.
Posted by: Roaddog at May 8, 2009 12:35 PM
*golf clap*
That was awesome, Seth. I'm super psyched to see this though. I bought my tickets to the IMAX version this morning! wooooo!
If you are a fan of the old series you should see this. As Roaddog said, it was the tits, etc.
Sadly, I see a lot of the older trekkers like Maryscott determined not to see it because the actors are so much younger than we are now. I'm 39, btw. This is not an excuse...go see a great film.
My only regret was that it was a movie and not the start of a long running TV show. I left wanting to see more of this crew, and I haven't felt that way about Trek in a long, long time.
Posted by: anderbot at May 8, 2009 12:42 PM
I'm kind of annoyed that this is getting good reviews. I really wanted a so-bad-it's-good type thing! I wanted to make fun of everything! But...it actually sounds GOOD. That does not make sense! I feel cheated!
OK and I really want to see Karl Urban and Eric Bana finally getting some recognition. Please let this be the beginning of something.
I wasn't expecting this version to be my kind of movie, but it's getting decent reviews. So I guess I might have to drag my ass to a theater. I do like popcorn.
Posted by: Cindy at May 8, 2009 1:00 PM
I saw it Yesterday...
I thought it was alright, kinda pandered to the fans by including the obvious things like the Vulcan nerve grip and the Cheesy over-acting lines but yeah I thought it was. Good, not Great but Good. Watchable to say the least.
I am going to see this tonight and I am super excited! Please, please, please let it be good! Oh who am I kidding? I'll probably love it. But my standards are low.
I saw the badassery that was the 7pm showing. and I came here for your "I didn't want to like it, but it was f'in phenomal!" review. Don't disappoint, Pajiba; you are not the only one who knows where the keys to the Murdertank are!
why are you showing me this video of chris pine trying to taze people?
Posted by: gp at May 8, 2009 4:48 PM
ha. I love you.
Posted by: s. pisaster at May 8, 2009 4:51 PM
I'm also drunk right now.
Posted by: s. pisaster at May 8, 2009 4:51 PM
Okay, can't believe I'm actually commenting on this, but oh what the hell ... that's what Pajiba is for (partly) anyway. Right? Oh, I'll probably see the thing ... I saw Star Trek V in the theater, after all, and this CAN'T possibly be worse. Right? Anyway, I'm always skeptical of JJ Abrams. He's all about the flash, and goes looking for the substance later. Sometimes he finds it (Alias), sometimes he doesn't (Mission: Impossible 3). He's also the guy who exec. produced "Cloverfield," that mindless mass of drivel that tries to pass as storytelling. But in all fairness, we should evaluate it on the merits. Haven't seen it, so not going to opine until then.
Posted by: Andy Geisel at May 8, 2009 5:06 PM
Oh, and I WILL have popcorn during the screening. A good size bag, too. Gotta have popcorn!
Posted by: Andy Geisel at May 8, 2009 5:07 PM
TK,you would hate popcorn. That's just like you. But I know how much you enjoyed Taylor Swift's newest video, and that makes up for it for me. Even though I thought it was a little (a lot) cheesey, your earnestness is sweet.
Kisses!
Posted by: TWoP Fan at May 8, 2009 5:11 PM
Indeed there are always possibilities, Ms. Tompkins.
The whole theater seemed to love it as it was packed with true fans of STARTREK. I guess everyone has been waiting and the marketing was great. It lived up to the hype as well so we know there's gonna be a box office smash. You can get a free twitter background of the Star Trek movie at http://tweetcustom.com Mine looks hot! If you didn't see the move, GOOOO! lol
Posted by: trekkie09 at May 9, 2009 2:58 PM
who knew Eric Bana was a "Trekkie"? He did a great job as the villain though seriously
Awesome! Star Trek review already!
[reads post]
[eyes narrow]
You've been added to my list.