Pajiba

I know where MY zombie stronghold will be.

The Drano Store.

They have those right?

My Dad worked as a volunteer on an ambulance company back in the 50s, and recalled to me one case where the ambulance had to pick up someone who had swallowed crystal Drano.

A six year old girl.

My Dad said that she had a dark line, slowly growing darker, down her neck so you could see the process of corrosion. She died, and he said it was a mercy that she died quickly.

Still an ugly mental image, even after all these years.

Great, now I'm terrified of being forced to drink drano. I'll add that to the list of shit that keeps me awake at night, right above "Earth passes through gamma radiation storm which slowely kills every living thing, leaving only the buildings in tact as ghostly, eternal reminders that the planet used to be inhabited" and "the caldera that sits under yellowstone park explodes, blankets the continent in toxic ash and turns the oceans into battery acid -- everyone I know starves to death."

I'll just squeeze it in there.

*sigh*

Suicide attempts that fail spectacularly are just about the worst thing ever.

Neither of these is quite Drano-worthy, but: I know a woman whose sister-in-law jumped off a building and survived to be in a wheelchair. Oh, so you thought your life was bad BEFORE? Sheesh. I also know a guy who tried to hang himself, unsuccessfully. He now (naturally) has something wrong with his larynx/windpipe, so he can only talk in a sort-of whisper. Not the worst thing in the world, but every time he meets someone new, he eventually gets asked, "Why do you talk funny?" (in nicer terms), and he can either lie, or bring up the fact that once upon a time he tried to kill himself, but he's better now, thanks.

I had to buy rope, a tarp, and a knife at 10AM on a Sunday. I felt highly suspicious.

Well, now I'm not sure which is a scarier place - TK's basement or Harris's brain.

I remember seeing a doc about a lawsuit against the band Judas Priest, where some knuckleheads claimed they got the idea to blow their heads off with shotguns from a Priest song, and when one guy ... um, missed slightly, and managed only to blow off half his face, he and/or his relatives sued the band. They lost, of course.

He? Was one ugly motherfucker.

What in God's name is the point of this?!

Jason Harris should have a parade named after him. And should I ever become President? I'm gonna name ALL the parades after him. Kids'll come home sick from eating to much street-candy from the Jason Harris. There'll be a John Deere mishap resulting in the loss of a Dairy Princess' arm in at least one Jason Harris per year. And underage teens nationwide will sick up a foamy pile of Schlitz immediately following the 4th of July Harris.

Supposedly, John G., Drano isn't supposed to dissolve plastic if you follow the instructions, but it also says it isn't supposed to corrode metal. So you might be gambling with that. What you really need is some Hydrofluoric acid, which you can get if you work at a car wash.

All of this reminds me of the first time I made sweet love to a woman. We were both crying and she melted into the ceiling when we finished. The rhinoctopotamus helped me clean up with gloves designed for Homer Simpson but they didn't fit because he only has 4 fingers. I'm all, "Hey, buddy, where's the real protection?" To which he replied, "That's what she said." We laughed and ordered pancakes from an apostle who said he'd tell us which one he was if we agreed to punch his infected testicle. All I wanted was some butterscotch but he reminded me that I forgot to finish making love to that woman. The bottom of the ocean was cold and warm. She birthed a beautiful dolphin with my eyes who went on to become the first woman to dunk a football in overtime. My wives were so proud. Then I came.

. . .

Fuckin' Drano, man.

I used to work with a woman who was one of those people whose life was the stuff of a Lifetime movie screenwriter's wet dreams. She was also someone who wore her misery like a mantle of a martyred queen and told said story to anyone and everyone she met. Her son actually tried to commit suicide (over a girl who broke his heart) by drinking Drano. Tried and failed. Too many times I heard the story of doctors having to basically cut him open from the back and hose out his chest cavity and abdomen to save him. Naturally, there was an insane amount of damage to his internal organs and he's had medical issues ever since. To really put a cherry on the top of the story, he got back together with the girl and married her. They're poor, miserable and a burden to the mother. Because, of course they are; I don't think she'd have it any other way.

So how much Drano does one need to consume before you start seeing giant 6-foot man-bats running around the rooftops of Gotham who drink blood and can't be killed with bullets?

superasente, I think we might be soulmates. I'm honestly worried that we live in an open universe that will never collapse on itself and create life anew, but instead grow dimmer and weaker until there is no life anywhere.

Working in a lab, alkalis have always scared me way worse than the acids. Although hydrofluoric acid is pretty scary too--fairly painless at first so you may not even know there's a problem, and easily absorbed through the skin where it starts to wreak havoc. I asked our OSEH rep how it was treated; his response was "amputation." Still sounds better than swallowing Drano. Christ, people, ever hear of carbon monoxide?

I have a sociopathic cousin who has punched his own mother in the face, threatened to burn his house down while the family was sleeping, and calls his own young niece and nephew (who are of mixed race) the N-word on a regular basis. Whenever he feels like he's not getting enough attention, he picks one of us to call and claims he just tried to kill himself, usually with pills. "Take twice as many next time," I said before hanging up. Now I've got a new suggestion. Thanks, Pajiba!

Well, between this horrifying article and Kballs's story I now no longer have any tears left to masturbate with.

Not to change the subject or anything, but I had to do a chemistry report back in high school, and the particular experiment used Liquid-Plumr.

My teacher marked us all off for mispelling Liquid-Plumr, and we had to wave a bottle in front of his face to show him that the brand was actually spelled that way.

I watched a special (probably on the TLC, it was their typical exploitative hack) about a guy who attempted suicide with Drano. He destroyed his esophagus and stomach, so to "fix" him they just hooked his small intestine up to his throat. Oh and they had to put it over his ribcage to avoid infection. So when he eats, you can see his food going down it's merry way, where it comes out maybe 20 minutes later. It's seriously about 15-20 minutes from eating to pooping for him. He basically can't leave his house. AWESOME.

Also, to continue MM's stories of failed suicide attempts, my cousin's best friend tried to shoot himself in the temple. He succeeded only in blowing his retinas off, so now he's "blind and a little slow" as my cousin so tactfully put it.

My this discussion is cheery! Happy HorkHorkHolidays!

There Are Sick, Sick, Sick Muthafuckas Up In Here!!!
(i just came...,)
Thanks Mr. Harris & KBalls!

Eh...I worked in a chemistry lab for many years and have used lye more times than I could count. And I got some on my hands on a fairly regular basis. The only reason I could even tell it was on me is because it makes your fingers feel slippery, like there is soap on them. Then you just rinse your fingers and no harm done.

Now bromine...that stuff was scary to work with. It's a pure element that looks like the blood of a demon warlock (probably) and can ALSO melt your face, but more in the style of bleach than lye.

That was informative, Diablo. I have a well and lived with a clogged drain for some time because I was too scared to use Drano on my septic system. Finally just got one of those snake thingies.

I was really glad I didn't use that stuff since it turned out later that a tree root had dislodged the tank's pipe and stuff was just draining straight into the ground underneath. I realized there was a problem when the, ah, fluids from the tank began rising to the surface and birds started using it to bathe in.