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Hold On To Your Butts! Universal Orlando Wants To Welcome You To Jurassic Park! (Sort Of)

By Hannah Sole | Miscellaneous | April 9, 2018 |

By Hannah Sole | Miscellaneous | April 9, 2018 |


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Rose: I can’t believe Universal Orlando are thinking of creating a real Jurassic Park. Did they not even watch the films? It never ends well! People died, Universal! Are you crazy?! It’s not even going to be on an island. They tried that in San Diego and it was a disaster before the park was even finished! Those dinosaurs are going to get out, and they are going to go wandering off around Florida, chomping on tourists.

Gilly: I’m pretty sure they won’t have real dinosaurs.

Rose: Well, actually, that’s an interesting philosophical point, isn’t it? They wouldn’t be real dinosaurs. Dinosaurs died out millions of years ago. What John Hammond and Ingen created were genetically engineered theme park monsters. Dr Grant taught us this. We were paying attention.

Gilly: No, I mean they won’t be alive. Obviously. They will be animatronic, or animated, or something else beginning with ‘anim’. Probably not anime.

Long pause.

Rose: Oh. So it’s just like that ride they already have, but like, more?

Gilly: Yes. That was a Jurassic Park ride. This will be a Jurassic World, uh, world.

Rose: Oh.

Another long pause.

Rose: That actually sounds pretty cool. I bet it will be terrifying though. Probably not great for the little kids. That bit on the Jurassic Park ride, where you’re going over the waterfall, and the T-Rex looms over you? It scared the bejesus out of me.

Gilly: Scary for little kids, huh?

Rose: Yeah!

Gilly: You were 26 when you went on that ride.

Rose: It’s perfectly rational to be afraid of a giant killing machine that might eat you!

Gilly: Right.

Pause.

Gilly: Anyway, it’s not just Jurassic World world. Universal’s rumoured to be developing Lord of the Rings land too. Huh. I guess they are marketing ‘waiting in line for hours’ as ‘epic quest that you won’t all survive’. Neat.

Rose: Ooh, Super Nintendo World as well! Will we manage to get to Princess Peach’s castle? Which one of us is going to be Luigi?

Gilly: I think we both know the answer to that. Plus, they’re planning a Ministry of Magic attraction based on Fantastic Beasts. Oh no. Please say that Johnny Depp will have nothing to do with it.

Rose: Let’s go!

Gilly: Hold your horses. It’s not going to be finished for years yet. It’s still shrouded in secrecy. It even has a code name: ‘Project 314’.

Rose: WHAT? They are building a super-soldier out of demon parts as well? WHY DOES NO-ONE EVER LEARN?!

Gilly: I give up.

Yes, Universal Orlando really is rumoured to be expanding its theme parks to include attractions based on Jurassic World, Lord of the Rings, Fantastic Beasts and Super Nintendo games like Mario Kart and Donkey Kong. No, there won’t be real dinosaurs. That ride was scary enough without them. (If you think I was a wuss then, you should have seen me in the House of Horrors.) Unfortunately, there’s no word yet on whether there will be a ride based on this picture, but let’s face it, when you hear the words ‘Jurassic Park’ and ‘attraction’, this is what immediately springs to mind:

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Hannah Sole is a Staff Contributor. You can follow her on Twitter.



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