There Are Going to be Some Changes Around Here
I sent Dustin an email last night, and didn’t hear from him until obscenely early this morning. At first I thought the delay was simply him hiding from me, plotting, biding his time for yet another assassination attempt that would inevitably fail while our dance continued. And then other writers started disappearing, one by one, and I remembered that SXSW is beginning. Which means that most of the writers are travelling, stumbling dead eyed through indistinguishable Midwest terminals, clawing their way towards connecting flights to Austin.
Do you know why military dictators always seem to have those midlevel ranks? They’re usually colonels and rarely generals. That’s because it’s always the midlevel officers who stage coups. The low level ones don’t have the power, but the top level ones are too invested in the current regime, so it’s those disgruntled colonels who topple power structures.
Colonel SLW, here, I’ll be running things now. Please give the commenters who are securing the perimeter and Pajiba Writer’s Chamber your full cooperation, and lock S-Foils into attack position. There are going to be some changes.
First, all of you are required to start watching Brooklyn 99 immediately. It is the best comedy on television at the moment, hitting on all cylinders, and reminds me a lot of early seasons of Scrubs in the way that it has dead-on comic timing, glorious sarcasm, well-sculpted fringe characters, and low ratings. Go steal some Nielson booklets while you’re at it. This show is on the bubble, and there will be repercussions to your families if it’s not renewed.
Second, Neil deGrasse Tyson will be kidnapped and stored in our presidential suite, where he will tell us about science three times each day. Those who refuse to listen will be put in the pit. I don’t know what the pit is, but it sounds sufficiently terrifying to be a deterrent. When the honorable Dr. Tyson is not educating us, he will be building a working TARDIS, constructed of solid gold.
Third, three-fourths of all articles posted on the site must be about science fiction. The reasons for this are objectively obvious and I won’t go into them here.
Fourth, insolence will be punished by forced viewings of Greta Gerwig movies. Unless it’s funny insolence, in which case you will be given cupcakes.
Fourth, my irregular series of trade news posts entitled “Why I Drink” will be discontinued, because now only happy trade news will be posted. Once you control the media, there is no reason to acknowledge the existence of things that make you unhappy.
Fifth, pointing out math errors of the Dear Leader is not the funny sort of insolence.
Sixth, whoever brings me the head of Steven Moffat gets to become Earl of Downton Abbey, provided they can master Lady Mary in a fight to the death, using weapons of her choosing. Fair warning: her weapon will either be eyerolling or Bates.
Let’s get to it everyone! Paradise doesn’t build itself!