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There Are Going to be Some Changes Around Here

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Miscellaneous | March 6, 2014 | Comments ()


leninrevolution.jpg

I sent Dustin an email last night, and didn’t hear from him until obscenely early this morning. At first I thought the delay was simply him hiding from me, plotting, biding his time for yet another assassination attempt that would inevitably fail while our dance continued. And then other writers started disappearing, one by one, and I remembered that SXSW is beginning. Which means that most of the writers are travelling, stumbling dead eyed through indistinguishable Midwest terminals, clawing their way towards connecting flights to Austin.

Do you know why military dictators always seem to have those midlevel ranks? They’re usually colonels and rarely generals. That’s because it’s always the midlevel officers who stage coups. The low level ones don’t have the power, but the top level ones are too invested in the current regime, so it’s those disgruntled colonels who topple power structures.

Colonel SLW, here, I’ll be running things now. Please give the commenters who are securing the perimeter and Pajiba Writer’s Chamber your full cooperation, and lock S-Foils into attack position. There are going to be some changes.

First, all of you are required to start watching Brooklyn 99 immediately. It is the best comedy on television at the moment, hitting on all cylinders, and reminds me a lot of early seasons of Scrubs in the way that it has dead-on comic timing, glorious sarcasm, well-sculpted fringe characters, and low ratings. Go steal some Nielson booklets while you’re at it. This show is on the bubble, and there will be repercussions to your families if it’s not renewed.

Second, Neil deGrasse Tyson will be kidnapped and stored in our presidential suite, where he will tell us about science three times each day. Those who refuse to listen will be put in the pit. I don’t know what the pit is, but it sounds sufficiently terrifying to be a deterrent. When the honorable Dr. Tyson is not educating us, he will be building a working TARDIS, constructed of solid gold.

Third, three-fourths of all articles posted on the site must be about science fiction. The reasons for this are objectively obvious and I won’t go into them here.

Fourth, insolence will be punished by forced viewings of Greta Gerwig movies. Unless it’s funny insolence, in which case you will be given cupcakes.

Fourth, my irregular series of trade news posts entitled “Why I Drink” will be discontinued, because now only happy trade news will be posted. Once you control the media, there is no reason to acknowledge the existence of things that make you unhappy.

Fifth, pointing out math errors of the Dear Leader is not the funny sort of insolence.

Sixth, whoever brings me the head of Steven Moffat gets to become Earl of Downton Abbey, provided they can master Lady Mary in a fight to the death, using weapons of her choosing. Fair warning: her weapon will either be eyerolling or Bates.

Let’s get to it everyone! Paradise doesn’t build itself!


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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • kirbyjay

    BUT I DON'T LIKE SCIENCE FICTION!!
    said in my very best Jerry-doesn't-want-to-wear-the-puffy-shirt-voice.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    Any chance we can stop with those annoying abbreviations like "totes adorbs with all the feels"? I'll be a good citizen if so.

  • Pitry

    I don't have a TV, though. :( If I go on a Moffat-hunt, can I be excused of watching Brooklyn 99?

  • googergieger

    Let me know how that works out.

    *eats potato chip slowly*

  • Uriah_Creep

    TK's going to need a bigger basement.

  • unpious

    So my fic of Neil deGrasse Tyson being The Doctor is coming true??

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Brooklyn 99 - check
    Neil deGrasse Tyson - check
    Moffat - Already on it, Colonel.

    *salutes*

  • e jerry powell

    Colonel, are you familiar with the concept of the "bloodless coup?"

  • DominaNefret

    I WILL GO ON THE BRAVE AND NOBLE QUEST TO BRING YOU STEVEN MOFFAT'S HEAD. IN THE PROCESS, I WILL ANGER MANY FELLOW NERDS WHO SOMEHOW REMAIN BRAINWASHED. I SHALL DO IT NOT FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE EARL OF GRANTHAM, OR THE GLORY, BUT MERELY OUT OF DESIRE TO SHOW MY LOVE OF THE DOCTOR AND WHAT HE IS CAPABLE OF BEING, WITHOUT THE CORRUPTING INFLUENCE OF THE MOFFAT.
    IT WILL LOOK SOMEWHAT LIKE THIS:

    I AM AN EXCELLENT ARTIST.

  • Shannon

    Hmmm... Lady Mary in a fight to the death... I'm pretty sure we already know her weapon of choice.

  • BWeaves

    Just don't let her Pamouk you, and you'll be safe.

  • Leadership change is irrelevant. I am a dissident no matter who is in charge. However, science fiction (and fantasy, damn you heathens) is my opiate, so I will likely be less of a pain in the ass than usual. Or not. Those of Eastern European descent do not change quickly nor easily. We do, however, make good kolaches, so you can at least rely on a continuous supply of baked goods.

  • kinoumenthe

    Gold ?… Really ?

  • Maybe it's just me, but more than half of why I drink is due to happy things, and my aspiration is for even more of that.

  • coryo

    First order of business: do we have a square? Cause those things don't generally work with what you're trying to accomplish here.

    Anyway, you have my hat. May I suggest though, that you let Rowles live? Not well, nor particularly long, just live. You can keep him under control with a mild soporific. Something sugary and British should do.

  • I think first up against the wall should be any and all articles about Lena Dunham. And can we pick another Pajiba crush to take over Anna Kendrick because she's so not doing it for me. Also also, can we get our pick of uniform color? I don't look good in pink. Also also also, can we get more posts with Brooklyn Nine Nine gifs? And more posts objectifying the men I like and not Benedict Cumberbtch. Thank you.

  • narfna

    Although I quite enjoy the Cucumberbatch, I would sign up for more objectification of Nicolaj Coster-Waldau FO SHO.

  • webelos8

    And more Hiddleston.

  • UGH, no. More Hamm and Hemsworth and actually attractive men.

  • webelos8

    I like them, too. but I like Hiddleston more :)

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Nobody looks good in pink.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    Thank. You.

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Glory to Arstozka!

  • Ziver

    Oh Jorgi you need a permit pass this time

  • Fabius_Maximus

    Would it help if I got you a freebie in The Pink Vice?

  • Bananapanda

    Moffatt's head stays! We need to him to write more Sherlock episodes.

  • unpious

    Put his head in a jar, a la Futurama. That way he won't be able to keep shoving it up his own ass.

  • Yocean

    Sir yes sir! Already watching Brooklyn 99, sir! What can I watch to contribute more to your wonderful and wonderous regime sir?!

  • thatsmrsnyder

    You leave The Moff out of this.

  • chanohack

    I WANT Downton. Moffat shouldn't be a problem. But, important question, if Lady Mary picks Bates, do I have access to TK and the pit of despair?

  • BiblioGlow

    You could just marry her. It seems pretty easy; all you have to do is tell her how awesome she is and be an actor willing to stick with the show for more than two seasons.

  • I shall not be forced to watch largely unfunny comedies.

    Other than that, I'm down with this.

  • Tinkerville

    Thy will be done, SLW. I'm waiting on suggestions for a good battle cry, and then I'll proceed to shout it from the rooftops.

  • Jim

    Just remember General SLW: Sometimes, when you look evil in the eyes... evil looks back.

    http://i.imgflip.com/vmwm.gif

    Now onward - as my family motto reads when translated: Conquer or Die.

  • BWeaves

    I was a bit skeptical, until, "When the honorable Dr. Tyson is not educating us, he will be building a working TARDIS, constructed of solid gold." Now, I'm in.

  • narfna

    "Third, three-fourths of all articles posted on the site must be about science fiction. The reasons for this are objectively obvious and I won’t go into them here."

    SLW, I think I love you.

  • mswas

    And you must all buy your SF books through the Cannonball Read Buy Hole: http://tinyurl.com/shopcannonb...

  • brite59

    Well this IS A favourable turn of events. More imaginative, analytical conjecturing, less 'jezebel-flavoured' rants and complaints.

  • **I AM** NotTheOne

    YesPleaseYesPleaseYesPlease!!!!!

  • AudioSuede

    Cannot wait for the Netflix documentary about this.

  • Ryan Ambrose

    Reporting for duty, sir!

  • Batesian

    And yet, internecine squabbling could shatter this grand new experiment before it has the chance at success. For, we face a fundamental question: what constitutes "science fiction"?

    Is Pajiba now hard sf-only territory -- or even so diamond-hard that we can't even abbreviate it as "sf"?! Or are all adherents to the philosophies of speculative fiction welcome -- a utopia where the likes of Ender and Jack Burton are welcome?

  • TK

    Science fiction is whatever the fuck we tell you it is. If we want your opinion, we'll goddamn give it to you.

    Welcome to the new regime.

  • DominaNefret

    That's hot.
    Oh godzilla, it's working already.

  • JJ

    This isn't a democracy. It's a cheerocracy. And Steven is our cheertator.

  • Batesian

    It's about time we had some real leadership around here.

  • *swoons* I have found the Trotsky to my Lenin.

  • L.O.V.E.

    What currency to do you prefer for bribes so I can secure control of Pajiba's oil and gas reserves?

    (Oh, and if you turn me down just ignore the dioxin in your coffee. Its just a harmless, artificial sweetener. Promise).

  • John G.

    initials "TK", "Trotsky?" I knew it!

  • Batesian

    ...and, just as important, why am I suddenly writing in excessively purple prose?

  • Green Lantern

    I'd like to welcome our new Pajiba overlord...

  • Batesian

    Should the need arise, I offer my services as champion against Lady Mary's own. As a Bates myself, I'm well-suited to all manner of mannered combat -- indeed, I've been told my snark is rather deadly.

  • chanohack

    DUELY NOTED, THANK YOU.

  • BiblioGlow

    What you did there.
    I like it.

  • Dumily

    The double posting of "Fourth" entries, is that to encourage insolence? Because I've got your insolence right here. (I'm making a rude gesture involving grabbing my genitals and shaking them at you.)

  • Meet the new boss!
    Same as the old boss!
    And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlord. I remind him that as a trusted alcoholic I can be useful in locking myself out the house and running Pajiba while I wait for Phil the annoyed locksmith.

  • tamatha_uhmelmahaye

    Ooooh, I believe I am in favor of our new overlord! Of course, I do expect a lot more Storytellers posts with this new regime, which is why I am supporting this change. SLW I hope you've got the appropriate writers pulling together a whole host of fascinating stories.

  • John G.

    I will fight and die for you, colonel SLW. I will follow you into hell.

  • pajiba

    Noooooo! Can't. Get. Through. Airport. Firewalls. Must pay $9 for one hour access. IT'S HOPELESS. Tell my family I love them.

  • Now that you were foolish enough to check in, we have your location, and agents are closing in. The Newark Airport's TGI Fridays To Go will be your Waterloo.

    And I'm afraid we sold your family to Ain't in Cool in order to pay for HBO. That was TK's idea.

  • I'm in the sky right now, son (modern technology!) so I challenge you to get me from here. I'll have you banned from even reading the site, let alone continuing with your iron fist control, before you can even figure out what state I'm over.

    ...Of course, for the right price you could get me to Turn against the Beloved Leader and to make sure he never leaves Austin.

    Let the DR v. SLW bidding begin ... now.

  • TK

    What he means to say is KNEEL BEFORE YOUR NEW GOD, YOU PATHETIC MEATSACKS. KNEEL AND BEG FOR HIS MERCY, OR SUFFER HIS WRATH.

    To paraphrase Will Smith, he's the leader, I'm the wrather.

  • mswas

    I always knew the mome [w]raths outgrabed.

  • I am not a meat sack. I am a meat popsicle. Please keep them straight and check your meat sack privilege.

  • Really, the old regime was doomed once I offered TK his own Pit of Despair. He was humming Rains of Castamere for weeks at the staff meetings.

  • If TK is going to be Count Rogan, is he going to need an albino hunchback? I'd like to secure my place in the new regime as soon as I can.

  • unpious

    Depends. Do you have your own wheelbarrow?

  • I have a wheelbarrow AND a shovel.

  • unpious

    Well then you're fine. Any good regime will always have a place for an albino hunchback with his own equipment.

  • Bert_McGurt

    "Please give the commenters who are securing the perimeter and Pajiba Writer’s Chamber your full cooperation..."

    I've just aboot got this side locked down eh?
    /Dual wields snow shovel and hockey stick

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    FINALLY! I've been waiting for this day for six years. Can we now finally talk about Asimov vs. Herbert? I mean, I'm all for the other swill that the site posts but it's time to get down to the meat and potatoes and spice.

  • BiblioGlow

    The real question here, obviously, is Bradbury vs. Literally Everyone Else.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    *cough LeGuin cough cough*

  • Ziver

    Atwood!

  • foolsage

    Ohhhhhhhhh damn, shit's about to get real up in here.

    The "Dune" series should have ended after the second book. Discuss.

  • I think that Asimov had gorgeous big picture ideas, but they tended to be very broad-brushed with the details left vague, and was much weaker when it came to a lot of the social implications of those ideas and to individual characters. Herbert on the other hand tended to combine both, and had an incredible eye for digging into the detail of his ideas. And while Dune is his masterpiece, some of his other works are even better. The White Plague for instance is just harrowing in its darkness.

    And sir, I think you will be our ambassador to Canada. We'll quarter your armored Polar Bear mount in the west garage.

  • foolsage

    I'm one of those who think Herbert's best stuff includes his lesser-known works like "Soul Catcher" and "The Godmakers". The first Dune novel was amazing and absolutely a masterpiece, but by "Children of Dune" he seemed to have run out of ideas (and new character concepts) and just recycled everything.

  • I've only ever read the first 'Dune' book(which I thoroughly enjoyed)but a friend of mine is pretty much King of the Nerds and he tells me that the first two are good, the third one is alright and the rest of them are shit. I've got 'Children' and 'God-Emperor' on my reading pile, so we'll see how it goes.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    Also, I kind of feel like I've earned a promotion. Sub-Colonel Sparkletits will do.

  • lowercase_ryan

    Is this a permanent thing? If so may I suggest we band together for playfully raiding the comment sections of other sites that suck, just because we can? Seriously, what good is a military if you don't use it?

  • ljridley

    May I suggest Uproxx as the first destination? Those comment sections are cesspools which must be brought to the light and way of our new Pajiba overlord.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I comment there regularly, so no. I mainly stick to Warming Glow though, which has a pretty decent following. In terms of them being non-idiots.

  • Batesian

    Not to mention Rowles contributes there regularly, so his loyalties have clearly been suspect for some time.

  • lowercase_ryan

    If you saw how many of them react to Dustin you would get defensive about our dear deposed leader.

  • Batesian

    Yup. That's pretty much why I seldom read their comments section anymore (though I still enjoy Dustin's articles). Color me spoiled from the more enlightened and entertaining discourse here.

  • pajiba

    It's a take down from the inside. Shhhh.

  • Batesian

    Brilliant!

    ...But, waitasecond. If SLW is now our Dear Leader (and TK his jackbooted terror-monger), where does the ousted leader fit into the new Pajiban World Order? Do coups have org charts?

  • lowercase_ryan

    Actually that's what we should do, organize Pro-Dustin Swarms to hit Uproxx and drive that vocal minority (those that constantly give you shit. Seriously, I think they've blamed you for stuff you didn't even write) up the wall. Kill them with Rowles Love.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    "...Pro-Dustin..."

    Now you're just making shit up.

  • Parsnip

    Me likey.

  • lowercase_ryan

    cheers to that.

  • KZoeT

    I am a disciple of Steven Lloyd Wilson. He is The Light and The Way.

  • Wednesday

    Steven Lloyd Wilson is the Yellow King.

  • BlackRabbit

    THE GREATER GOOD

  • thatsmrsnyder
  • Paradise doesn’t build itself!

    They paved paradise, put up a parking lot

    Semi-serious question: why the hell does everyone flock to SXSW? Back when it was a small, indie festival I could see why, but now it's a massive, sprawling mess with twice as much entertainment media as there is product. Is it just something you have to do? Or is it like drinking you're own urine?

  • John G.

    Edward Snowden will be broadcasting there this year.

  • That still doesn't answer the question of why in the hell anyone would go.

  • John G.

    If I could afford it, I would go just to see Snowden speak.

  • Looks like I need to be more insolent. I haven't watched Frances Ha and Damsels in Distress nearly as much as I should have by now.

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