The Weekly Caption Contest
Get dumber, people. I now have to open a second bottle of wine while going through all the submissions and trying to decide which one is best. You know what you people are? You're a gateway drug, that's what you are. Soon I will be on opium, which has always kind of been a dream of mine, so I simultaneously thank and curse you.
And so now, a refresher of the graphic the Replica provided last week:
I have narrowed it down to seven, so if you don't mind, I would like each one of you to think of yourself as a deadly sin.
Coming in 7th place as LUST:
I shall strive always to remember ...
I prophesy they will aid in this remembering. These are most meta of gods. Their justice may be obscure, but in their telling of that obscurity they shall be as clear as an unmuddied lake, or as an azure sky of deepest summer. You can rely on them, I prophesy.
I like this one because it reminds me of Cormac McCarthy, whom I once beat at Scrabble.
Coming in 6th place as GLUTTONY:
After years of shopping to studios and numerous script rewrites, Michael Bay's Rip Van Winkle adaptation is finally greenlit.
Snath, I particularly like this one because I cannot stop imagining the soundtrack. Think Sigur Ros meets Lionel Ritchie.
Coming in 5th place as GREED:
Quentin Tarantino has re-imagined the Kung Fu genre with Kill Bill.
Quentin Tarantino has re-imagined the War movie genre with Inglourious Basterds
Quentin Tarantino has re-imagined the Western genre with Django Unchained.
Now, in his latest cinematic achievement, Quentin Tarantino has re-imagined the Duke's of Hazard as a 1970's Sci-Fi movie.
Starring his favorite Cocaine-wizard friend, Robert Ricahrdson as Uncle Jesse,
and Asia Argento as Daisy Duke, Tarantino has done it again.
I want to see this movie very much, and the broken icon that was at the bottom of this submission suggested something entirely pornographic. This is to be commended, thank you L.O.V.E.
Coming in 4th as SLOTH:
Joyce Dewitt pauses to reflect on her decision to leave 3's Company.
Looks like she took a bit of Chrissy with her when she went.
This is a dual submission, with Bierce working off of the original comment by Nate. They're like a horribly, horribly beautiful synchronized swimming duo, and for that you get a photo of Chrissy. Fight over it as you will.
Coming in 3rd as WRATH:
Delilah kept an eye out for aliens while Gert the Elder quietly soiled himself.
This one just smells right.
Coming in 2nd as ENVY:
He should have been more specific when requesting his rescue party be "stupid hot." She WAS beautiful. Built like a lingerie model from some planet with no carbs and lots of free growth hormones, but she was also dumb. God was she dumb. Take today for example. Today she was wearing her headband around her neck, surely a hazard. She'd also forgotten her barrel extender at the ship, was wearing a child's shirt in sub zero temperatures and had chosen to wear heels instead of more sensible footwear. Heels for Chrissake! You couldn't even see the ground through all this pink fog, but you knew there were rocks underneath and if her ankles didn't give out first one of the natives would easily pick her off soon. Her gun was basically useless in its half assembled state. His only hope, his last wish, was that in her final moments of flailing around like a scared and handicapped puppy one of her perfect breasts popped lose and he could burn the image into his memory. He'd have to dust off his hardware, it'd been a while, but he was pretty sure the plumbing could still be coaxed into action.
I love this, it's brilliant, especially the bit about forgetting her barrel extender in the ship. You are a force, MikeRoorda and should be celebrated! For you, I present a video of Kool and the Gang performing "Celebration":
And coming in 1st as PRIDE:
I hate it when the Faculty puts on a play...
This, this is exactly the sort of thing that faculty would put on! The gym teacher and the geography teacher, giving it their all at the school assembly and for a brief moment, becoming the stars that they always knew they were. Kenny G, you are a star and will be receiving a typed letter of congratulations from Dustin Rowles, as well as some slobber from one of his children. I bet if you ask him, he'd put some stickers on the letter, just send us your address and this limited edition collector's item will be yours. And also, you get this video of Kenny G:
Watch it, I dare you.
This is Replica's image from this week, have at it!