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The Weekly Caption Contest

By Michael Murray and Replica | Miscellaneous | October 26, 2012 | Comments ()


newnativemaerica.jpeg

At first I just thought that Dustin was lazy and cheap by offering a type written letter of congratulations as the prize for this contest instead of, say, a coffee mug, but I think I was wrong. People really seem to want that letter as we keep getting awesome submissions each week. It's rumored that there's a code in the Rowles letters and that if you're able to crack the code then you will be granted power beyond all mortal understanding.

It's something to shoot for.

This is the graphic that Replica provided last week:

oldcaptshort.jpeg

And so, without further ado, the 7 finalists, each one who will be identified by Rolling Stone Magazine's list of the top 7 rock songs of all time.

Coming in 7th, as Johnny B. Goode by Chuck Berry, is the dynamic duo that is Zeke the Pig and L.O.V.E. I'm not actually going to include a submission, but am giving them this spot just for general commentary this week. The porno that they are planning looks brilliant and sexy and the zingy banter between the two of them promises the world. I haven't been this excited about a film since the Tom Hanks film The Terminal. He played a Russian trapped in an airport! Brilliant! (And L.O.V.E. I do thank you for those images) So, for you guys, as inspiration, I present to you a still from the porn classic The Opening Of Misty Beethoven:

misty.jpeg

Coming in 6th, as Good Vibrations by the Beach Boys, is:

dizzylucy:

After the success of the Muppet Babies, NBC Executives suggested a "younger cast" for the Office, but alas, it did not help.

I could see this happening. Only maybe it would be set in China and every once in awhile a baby office worker would get adopted by a Western family so that new characters are always being rotated into the cast.

Coming in 5th, as Respect by Aretha Franklin, is:
,:

After a four-hour budget meeting and the run-in with her boss, Bridget discovers, much to her regret, that she has left her pacifier and a dry diaper in her other purse.

This one just seems perfectly credible to me and the truth is that I have a world of empathy for rough-day-at-the-office baby. I started to sob uncontrollably on the subway the other day when I realized that I'd left my fantasy hockey magazine at the bar, and that it didn't even matter.

Coming in 4th, as What's Going On by Marvin Gaye, is:

Bert_the_Pajibian :

Despite being a clever attempt to enter the tot-office market, Microsoft's "Dora the Internet Explorer" was plagued with technical issues from the start.

This is funny, and for that funniest I reward you with beauty. In this case, beauty comes in the form of Marvin Gaye singing the National Anthem at the NBA basketball game. Lordy, if that man wasn't perfect!



Coming in 3rd, as Life is a Highway by Tom Cochrane, is:

Kenny G. :

A moving scene from the Little Tykes Daycare production of ERIN BROCKOVICH...

I can feel her struggle, I really can, but I can also see her courage and determination. As an aside, I think I would like to boldy go where no man has gone before and say that I think Julia Roberts might actually be an underrated actress. Sure, she's Julia Roberts, but did you see her in Closer? She was great! That was a great movie! Anyhow, I'm sure that there are other examples, too, but they're just not coming to me right now. At any rate, watch out for the latter half of her career--she's going to surprise you. And Kenny G, for you I award a photograph of Julia Roberts as Erin Brockovich!

erin-brockovich-photo-gallery-c14493462.jpeg

Coming in 2nd, as Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones, is:

LuLu:

This picture is giving me scary flashbacks. I had a secretary that had a doll and desk and computer set up just like this on her desk. She also had various pieces of plastic play food that she would put on the desk during lunch and for dinner just before she left for the day. I always expected to look up and find that doll coming at me with a knife.

This one just gave me a really authentic sense of the creeps. Really.



And coming in 1st, as Like a Rolling Stone by Bob Dylan, is:

Snath:

Joyce was a mess. This had to have been the worst Friday in recent memory. Harold had finally stumbled in around three in the morning, reeking of cheap booze, and when she confronted him about where he had been, he mumbled something about her being a bitch and wobbled into the den to fart and pass out. Before she had left the house this morning she had stood quietly for a while, observing his alcohol-induced slumber. She had wondered, not for the first time, how it would feel to take one of the frying pans -- not the non-stick, God forbid, but maybe the cast-iron -- and bash in the back of his head. She thought maybe it was a blessing after all that he was infertile. It was too late for children now, in any case.

Three separate accidents on I-35 had backed traffic up so badly that she was over an hour late. She had decided to stop for coffee on the way, seeing as how her morning was already so behind, but she was still so agitated that she only took a few sips before realizing she wouldn't be able to finish it. "The caffeine jitters!" Harold would have said, laughing like it was the funniest thing in the whole damn world. She thought again, fondly, of the frying pan.

When she finally walked into the office, Mr. Cutledge swooped down on her like some sort of gleefully demented vulture.

"You're la-a-ate Joyce. Again. Did you forgot about the talk we had last week? If you can't be here on time, I'll have no trouble finding someone who can. I've given you plenty of chances. What's your excuse this time? Long line at Starbucks?" He glanced pointedly at the cup in Joyce's hand, and she realized belatedly that she should have left it in the car. She tried stammering out an apology, but Mr. Cutledge waved his hand in her face, effectively shutting her up.

"I don't want to hear it, Joyce. Just get to your desk and get on the phone. We've got people holding."

Humiliated, Joyce shuffled off to her cube, dreading the long work day ahead of her. It already felt like she'd put in her eight hours, and she'd only just gotten there, and of course she was going to have to stay late to make up for this morning's debacle. On top of that, if Harold was home for work on time and she didn't have dinner ready, she was going to hear about it for the rest of the night. Secretly, she found herself almost wishing he'd just keep going. It might give her an excuse to finally use that pan.

Preoccupied with thoughts of Harold dropping boneless to the floor, Joyce didn't notice the tack on the floor of her cube until she had stepped on it, driving the point through the thin, worn sole of her shoe and into her foot. She yelped and jumped in surprise, splashing coffee everywhere.

She dropped into her chair and wrenched off her shoe, staring incredulously at the small bead of blood forming on the ball of her foot. Wadding up some tissue, she wiped off the blood and was relieved to see it already seemed to be stopping. Turning the shoe over, she pulled the tack free and slipped the shoe back on, looking around her cube at the same time to see if the tack fallen from somewhere. She glanced at her favorite poster and her heart leapt into her throat.

It was gone. "Hang In There" was gone. Three tacks remained to mark where it had been displayed on the wall of her cubical, one of them with a corner of poster still pinned gamely in place.

She couldn't believe it. The one thing that kept her going, the only thing that got her through hours of angry customers, obnoxious coworkers, and the thought of going home to Harold and his drunken obscenities, was that poster. Something about that tiny kitten, hanging on for dear life, filled her with hope that things could get better. All she had to do was keep going, keep trying, keep brushing things aside, and something would come along to make things all right.

And now it was gone.

Joyce sat in her chair, utterly alone, and wept.

Brilliant, just brilliant.

-----

Snath, you have won and all you have to do to win the letter from Dustin Rowles and have a chance at cracking the mysterious Rowlesian Code, is send us you address. Well done, sir, well done!

This is the image Replica has supplied for us this week. It's like shooting fish in a barrel, but you know, sometimes fish just need to be shot.

newnativemaerica.jpeg



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Comments Are Welcome, Douches Are Not


  • "Can you hear me now?"

  • Ringo183

    "You got any gum?"

  • Buck Forty

    "stop whining about SAMCRO and get it done. We're in charge of shipments and you're in charge of distribution, so do your freakin' job or I'm gonna get Edward James Olmos on your ass..."

  • bleujayone

    "And in a horrifying moment later, the Chief fell for the trap as Pac-Man swooped down and gobbled him up in one mighty chomp."

  • bleujayone

    "Sorry Honey, I really can't make it home for dinner tonight. I've got another couple who want to see me about holding their wedding at the Temple, I've got power lunch with the Goldfields, I have to sacrifice the afternoon at the board meeting and I have my appointment with the headshrinker at 4:30....I'm swamped!"

  • bleujayone

    "Look pal, would you please STOP calling this number? For the last time- WE DO NOT NEED OUR DUCTS CLEANED!"

  • bleujayone

    "Yell-O! Curry Hut, Home of the Red Hot Cock.....Oh yeah, it's VERY fresh, we kill 'em just for you."

  • bleujayone

    "Yeah...Hi.....This Doongar from Eldorado. Am I the 75th caller? I Am?!?!? Wooooo-Hoooooo!!!!!!!!!! I got the Hootie & the Blowfish tickets!!!!

  • "do I need to get a new agent, Larry? Because you told me I had the part, that the audition was just a formality... yet I see another guy here who looks just like me - but he's younger... don't BS me Larry, he's standing right here next to me... hey, you do what you gotta do, just lock it in for me Larry, or we're through!"

  • bleujayone

    "Do you have a pair of Pumas on your feet?.....Well you'd better run faster!" *Click!

  • L.O.V.E.

    All kidding aside, I hardly recognize Hugh Grant in that makeup.

  • I can't believe this guy doesn't have a cell phone.

  • googergieger

    What do you mean you've decided to run away from home and join The Village People?

  • ,

    "So you walked 600 miles through burning sub-Saharan wilderness to call a doctor to treat your baby's viper bite, big fuckin' deal, I'M on the phone and I nave a VERY important call here and ... Yeah, hey, baby, it's me, you'll never guess where I'm calling you from ..."

  • Mitchell Hundred

    When Moe Syzlak finally learned the identity of the person who had been prank calling his bar, his reaction was admittedly a little extreme. A court order to have Bart Simpson preform some hours of community service, or to have his phone conversations monitored by the government, would have been perfectly reasonable and consistent with established case law. But banishment to a remote island in the far reaches of Oceania? Even the judge who handed down the sentence later admitted that it was a bit much. If access to the island had not been barred by a unique combination of air and oceanic currents, as well as unusual electromagnetic storms, Bart would probably have been brought home to Springfield within the next few years.

    However, the experience eventually proved beneficial for the young boy. Living among the natives taught him the value of hard work and respect for one's elders. Upon becoming an adult, he married into the tribe and raised a family with great love and care. Over time, he became a responsible adult who barely even remembered and certainly did not resent Moe's campaign to have him shipped to such a remote place.

    That is, until the island got its first phone installed, and the siren song of revenge began to call to Bart once again...

  • frank247

    "Hello? Yes, this is AOL customer service, my name is Steve, how may I help you today?"

  • ,

    "We have a problem, Mbui. It keeps saying. 'Please deposit two antelope for the next three minutes' and I only have one in my pocket."

  • ,

    I knew it. Goddam snath.

  • A chilling scene from the Michael Bey summer blockbuster "PAC-MAN: The Movie"

  • Tracer Bullet

    "Yeah, I know the tourists pay well and the anthropologists can't tell the difference but you gotta get me outta here, Murry. This is degrading. I trained at Julliard, for chrissakes."

  • Kenny G.

    How the idea for Pac-Man was hatched...

  • Kenny G.

    "No...I'm not homeless. My hut is right behind me...but I'd still like to send my congratulations to Jessica & Justin..."

  • Kenny G.

    "Yes...can you believe it? I AM getting my hair dried AND talking to you on the phone at the same time!! You just gotta love technology..."

  • Guest

    "Yes...can you blieve it? I am getting my hair dried AND talking to you on the phone at the same time!! You just gotta love technology...

  • Kenny G.

    Okay...How the fuck did that happen...?

  • Nico

    Guy on right: yes, I can't believe it either. They still don't know it was all a huge april fool's joke. but at least we are making a fortune.

    Guy on phone: yes maam, you can still book a front row seat near the pyramid. We still have a few seats left near the altar. We cannot guarantee anything, but this is the best way to live through the Apocalypse in December. Yes maam, for an extra fee we can sacrifice your husband. It does improve your chances... will that be visa, mastercard, or american express?

  • kirbyjay

    Hello, Pizza Hut, How can I help you? Yes, we deliver. Under 3 hours or it's free.

  • L.O.V.E.

    The Caller:
    Nice pants. Italian. You hung up, Siaki. I didn't even have a chance to
    say goodbye. I feel bad about the wild boar guy. But I couldn't miss seeing
    you and Ele'ele reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I
    just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be
    hearing from me.

    Siaki:
    Who is this?

    The Caller:
    Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?

    The Caller:
    [whispers] Doesn't it?

  • googergieger

    What am I wearing? A head dress, a huge necklace, and some dockers. Hello? Hello?

  • I really hope this is some sort of Stargate situation, where the telephone connects to an alien with infinitely more advanced technology. Let me know when James Spader and Giorgio A. Tsoukalos show up.

  • Inaras

    Hello, TMZ? How much do you pay for pics of Brangelina?

  • "Yes, I ordered the tribal loin cloth with grass fringe. What I got was clearly dress slacks with a belt. Look, it would be much easier to order correctly if your company had a website. I'm sitting here on a pay phone like some kind of culturless savage.

  • John W

    I'm getting a message...it says deposit another 25 cents and sacrifice one heart to Quetzalcoatl...

  • L.O.V.E.

    "Hello, is your refrigerator running? Yes, well then ... fuck you."

  • Kenny G.

    Hello, Pizza Hut...I'd like to place an order to go.

  • L.O.V.E.

    The Opening Of Misty Beethoven! M.M., in return I send you a picture of a young Jessica Walter starring in the Clint Eastwood classic, Play Misty for Me.

    As for the caption:
    Me: Yah, um, there is a mistake on my bill, AGAIN.
    Him: Thank you for calling Time Warner Customer Service. This phone call may be recorded for quality assurance. May I please have your account number.

  • dizzylucy

    Bobby and Rick misunderstand Casual Friday, and have to call their wives to bring them shirts (strangely enough, their pants seem work appropriate).

  • Bert_McGurt

    "Hello, Hollywood? Get me Mel Gibson. That f**ker and I got some things to discuss."

  • Bert_McGurt

    Fittingly, I've been listening to What's Going On quite a bit this week.

  • Mitchell Hundred

    Hey, Mom. lt's great to hear your voice again. Sorry I couldn't get in touch sooner, but access to phones is kind of limited here. So I've got some good news and some surprising news. The good news is that I met a wonderful girl, her family loves me, and we just got married a few weeks ago. The other news? Uh, remember when I moved out of the house, and you made me promise to respect Dad's deathbed wish that I not get any tattoos or piercings? Well, it turns out that my new in-laws are really religious...

  • EshinX

    Hello rich people? Xingu join you, yes I hold.

  • LowestFormOfHumour

    These guys are so sick of performing the Hakka for tourists. Now they're just phoning it in.

  • Wednesday

    Dr. Christina Bowman, sociologist, traveled to the heart of the Amazonian rain forest. She endured privation, danger, and disease, relentlessly battling the elements and an old-boys' club mentality that said a woman could never succeed in this venture. But her perseverance was ultimately rewarded when she published her groundbreaking article in The Journal of Ancient Cultures: "The Last Working Payphone on Earth."

  • Jerce

    "Yeah--we want to return these shirts you sent. We love the fashionable patterns but they're just too damn tight!

  • Legally Insignificant

    "Did you see Nashville last night? Hayden Panettiere's character is such a ho bag. I know, right?"

  • mrcreosote

    Look, not all phone sex lines are for the money man! This is about my art! MY ART!

  • TheOriginalMRod

    "Quetzalcoatl? Yes, please come immediately. And bring me an iPhone5 I am tired of this pay phone bullshit."

  • BWeaves

    Halloween costumes of the Serengeti. I especially like the guy dressed up as the phone booth.

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