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The Weekly Caption Contest

By Michael Murray and Replica | Miscellaneous | November 2, 2012 | Comments ()


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It's been a really fucking trying week, and I want to congratulate each and every one of you for surviving it. In my book, which is big and mean, like the Bible, you all deserve a type written letter of commendation and encouragement from Dustin Rowles.

I thought that the image that Replica provided last week was a tough one to caption, and once again I was gobsmacked by the volume and quality of submissions. You're like caption contest first responders, brave warriors who will dangle from ropes just to say something clever. This is the image from last week:

old.jpeg

We have six finalists, and each one will be ranked in accordance with the greatest sporting moments in my life.

Coming in 6th, as that awesome diving catch I made in Little League when I got a bloody nose but still hung onto the ball, is:

GunNut2600

A chilling scene from the Michael Bey summer blockbuster "PAC-MAN: The Movie"

GunNut, it is never not fun to make fun of Michael Bey, and although I was never impressed with the game, I would definitely go see PAC-MAN: The Movie, but there would have to be violence and nudity, which of course, Michael Bey would provide. For you I bestow a photograph of a slutty woman dressed in vaguely Pac Man themed attire. It's dirty:

pacman.jpeg

Coming in 5th, as hitting Mark Windgate in a throat with a perfectly packed snowball from 25 yards, is:

Paultera

"Yes, I ordered the tribal loin cloth with grass fringe. What I got was clearly dress slacks with a belt. Look, it would be much easier to order correctly if your company had a website. I'm sitting here on a pay phone like some kind of cultureless savage.

Paultera, you have what it takes. In fact, it sounds like you might even have some experience ordering loin clothes with grass fringe. You are a star to me.

Coming in 4th, as striking out Mike Kirby on three pitches, is:

Nick D'Angelo

"do I need to get a new agent, Larry? Because you told me I had the part, that the audition was just a formality... yet I see another guy here who looks just like me - but he's younger... don't BS me Larry, he's standing right here next to me... hey, you do what you gotta do, just lock it in for me Larry, or we're through!"

AND

Tracer Bullet

"Yeah, I know the tourists pay well and the anthropologists can't tell the difference but you gotta get me outta here, Murry. This is degrading. I trained at Julliard, for chrissakes."

Similarly themed and executed, it proved impossible to pick one over the other, so I just stuck them in at 4th. I think that they're both penetrating looks into the world of acting and the relationship we, as a decadent empire, have with tourism and even anthropology. Brilliant and funny.

Coming in 3rd, as the time I beat actor Matthew Perry in tennis, is:

Wednesday

Dr. Christina Bowman, sociologist, traveled to the heart of the Amazonian rain forest. She endured privation, danger, and disease, relentlessly battling the elements and an old-boys' club mentality that said a woman could never succeed in this venture. But her perseverance was ultimately rewarded when she published her groundbreaking article in The Journal of Ancient Cultures: "The Last Working Payphone on Earth."

I like this one because it sounds so true. I mean, Wednesday, you should be writing movie of the week blurbs, you have a gift. For you I give the gift of Matthew Perry as the smug boy I crushed at tennis:

mperry6.jpeg

Coming in 2nd, as heckling Keith Hernandez at a Montreal Expos baseball game to the point where he turned to me and told me to, "Go fuck, yourself, kid!" is:

googergieger

What am I wearing? A head dress, a huge necklace, and some dockers. Hello? Hello?

Googer, we've all tried to hook-up via phone, so we know exactly what you're getting at. Personally, I feel badly for the guy because I think that his ensemble suggests an interesting person. I mean, we're all looking to broaden our horizons, right? And for you, I give a photograph of that prick Keith Hernandez:

keith-hernandez-smoking-in-dugout.jpeg

And in first place, as the goal I scored in overtime to secure the city championship for the Peewee B Rockliffe Rockets (upper right hand corner), is:

L.O.V.E.

The Caller: Nice pants. Italian. You hung up, Siaki. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I feel bad about the wild boar guy. But I couldn't miss seeing you and Ele'ele reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be hearing from me.
Siaki: Who is this?
The Caller: Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?
The Caller: [whispers] Doesn't it?

--

L.O.V.E. has mastered this genre. I find his submission this week to be moving, surreal and completely European. I can almost see the American remake of the of the black and white Armenian classic. L.O.V.E. you are our single combat hero, and this week you take home all the glory, so just send us your address and Dustin will type out a letter of congratulations to you for your stunning, almost supernatural, ability.

This week we're going with two images. We don't know why, as I said, it's been a tough week. So here they are, do with them whatever you like!

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • ,

    No. 1: A young Pookie became radicalized the day those honky motherfuckers Ben & Jerry rejected his idea for a Malcolm X. ShaRazzberry flavor, but except for three lost Russian tourists looking for Lake Champlain, his "Lick It To The Man" protest rally failed to draw a crowd.

  • llp

    I have no captions to give, but I am interested in hearing more about you beating Matthew Perry at tennis.

  • ringo183

    "Anybody got any gum?"

  • ,

    No. 1: Steve misunderstands the lyrics to Run DMC's "Me, Myself and My Microphone."

  • theotherone

    My icecream brings all the boys to the yard,
    And they're like
    It's better than yours,
    Damn right it's better than yours,
    I can teach you,
    But I have to charge

  • Image 1: Pittsburo, Indiana...two days ago. The closest the community has ever gotten to having a black person in its entire history. (I wish I was joking but having visited the area for work...and I am still coming to terms with it).

    Image 2: Promo shot for "Kingston: Hipster Barbarian"

  • L.O.V.E.

    Fight and you may die. Run, and you'll live... at least a while.
    And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to
    trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one
    chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our jobs, our women, our money, our ... dignity. Dang even our shirts, but they'll never take... OUR MULLETS!

    -- "Hill" Willy Joe Wallace, 2003 Appalachia Hootenanny, Black Mountain, Kentucky

  • Mitchell Hundred

    Oh, I'm sorry. These 35 year-old pictures of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney (respectively) were released in November, and therefore cannot qualify as an October surprise. Better luck next election.

  • L.O.V.E.

    The handsome K.I.D. is grabbing the mic once again
    Representing the motherfuckin' blue ponies!

    I Lick Your Ice Cream; You Can Lick My Lollipop
    My 31 Flavors make the panties drop

    All these fine ladies wanna lick my ice cream
    I'm telling you, son, I'm living your dream
    (unseen female chorus) Yum yum

    All these fine ladies wanna lick my ice cream
    Put it in their mouths to muffle the screams
    (unseen female chorus) Yum yum

    All these fine ladies call me the ice cream man
    The thirsty ones get to drink from my soda can
    (unseen female chorus) Yum yum

    I serve it on a cone with two giant balls
    Crushin the ladies like I'm Biggie Smalls
    Yum yum

    I Lick Your Ice Cream; You Can Lick My Lollipop
    My 31 Flavors make the panties drop

    [drops cone and walks away]

  • be thankful hat i live in a country with socialised medicine, because if i didn't you'd owe me quite a bit in doctor's bills for all this awe-inspired whiplash, you fuck

  • L.O.V.E.

    Your too kind, zeke. As an English major I used to write poetry.

    Now I'm writing rhymes,
    Like a rat dropping dimes,
    Like Amanda Bynes snorting white lines,
    Like Navy ensigns drinking beer steins,

    While spending Halloween in a bar in Tijuana,
    With a fake Mitt and Obama,
    Dance floor hot like a sauna,
    Help, help me Rhonda

    Find the way back to the car,
    She say, "Just follow the star",
    Walk west towards la Mar,
    Nope, thats just a sign to another bar.

  • googergieger

    I can give you what you want.

    I can make your heart beat short.

    I can make you ice cream

    We could be a sweet team

    Melting in your vice dreams, sport.

    I can be the sauce you crave.

    I can spell what you can't say.

    Chocolate flavor love theme

    Treat the treats you so mean

    Covering your nights and days.

    Let me give you what you'd like.

    I can make your mouth run dry.

    Drink me like a liquor

    C'mon and dip your dipper

    Show me what you're here for, guy.

    I can give you what u want.

    i can make your back real taunt

    Fantastic flavor fancies -

    Sick like Syd and Nancy -

    Wicked as a joyride jaunt.

  • L.O.V.E.

    Nice. I went with an original L.O.V.E. work.

    I saw this young g having an eclectic palette from hip hop to electronic. A bit of New Young Pony by way of Wu Tang with a splash of Biggie.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...

  • Kenny G.

    Pic one: I scream...you scream...we all scream LET'S KICK THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S ASS!!!
    Pic two: Page 39 from the 1977 Turkish Sears Catalog...

  • googergieger

    *Morgan Freeman voice over*

    Fate has a funny way of working friends. Two total strangers, having too very different lives. One a professional gay ice cream taster. The other a professional amateur half naked sword model. If you would have told those two lost souls that forty years later, one would be the leader of the free world, the other his vice president, well, they'd have called you crazy. But little did they know, that on this fateful day, their lives would change forever...

  • bastich

    Pic 2: The next Conan reboot is gonna suuuuuuuck.

  • googergieger

    "Did I do that?"

    "I HAVE THE POWER!"

    (someone had to do it)

  • googergieger

    A young Tyler Perry and Jeff Foxworthy ARE Rush Hour 4!

  • LB

    Albert looked longingly at the cold, refreshing ice cream. Shirtlessness could only give a man so much relief. As he stared, glorious mullet buffeted by the wind, the child began to convulse-no! He was not convulsing but was mocking Albert with his awkward dance of triumph and his ability to wear a sweet jacket in the blazing heat. Without thinking, Albert drew his authentic replica sword and posed as he had never posed before. The child, taken aback by Albert's confident stance and "party in the back" mentality, stopped his dance.

    On that day, the child learned what it meant to be a man. The next day at school, he announced that henceforth, "Billy Cyrus" was no more and that he would only answer to his full name: Billy Ray Cyrus

  • 1st picture: The expression on that kid's face is unsettlingly orgasmic.
    2nd: Proving once again that a sword a good pair of boots is all you need to look awesome.

  • e-dogg

    1st Picture: "You got no ice cream, you got no ice cream, cause you are on the welfare..."

    2nd Picture: He-Man, The Muffin Top Years"

  • Sara_Tonin00

    A highlight of the week. Always.

    That Pac-Man lingerie. I could not bring myself to buy it. But if a guy with the right combination of irony & hope bought me that ensemble, I would wear it. (The right combination of irony & hope involves also buying whatever the male counterpart to that is - power pellet on a banana hammock, maybe?)

  • ,

    well, maybe I'll give it a try:

    No. 1: His friends Stork and Flounder wouldn't have believed it without the demonstration, but were astonished to find Pinto was right: He really COULD clear a parking lot with an ice cream fart.

  • ,

    No. 2: While everyone who saw it agreed Phillip's audition tape was wildly entertaining, the role of "swordsman in a hair-rock band" ultimately went to Tom Cruise.

  • ,

    No. 2: Bruce even rehearsed on his lunch break at the rock quarry, determined to make his audition for the role of Lady of the Lake in the Lavender Leotard Players' "Camelot" the best they'd ever seen.

  • bastich

    Pic 1: Early screenshot from the Grand Theft Auto V "Fuck It, Just Run Over Everyone" mini-game.

  • Wednesday

    Second Image:

    Ron Swanson stars in A World Without Bacon.

  • bastich

    Pic 2: "The Final Sacrifice 2: Zap Rowsdower Gets Medieval"

  • googergieger

    Yes!

    YES!YES!YES!

  • bastich

    Pic 2: "Ron Swanson the Barbarian"

  • bastich

    Are you tired of being the 98-pound metrosexual being picked on by bullies just for practicing your "Lady Gaga Lickin' Ice Cream" dance? Start using the Charles Atlas patented "Porn 'Stache and Big Effin' Sword" plan, and soon you'll be "Hero of the Beach"!

  • ,

    OK, I'm out. No topping this one.

  • Natallica

    1st picture: One boy, one cup, zero fat. Timberlake Ice Cream: because your inner diva deserves it

    2nd picture: And finally, James Hetfield's audition tape for "Star wars" came to light

  • Jerce

    2nd pic: "They can take our lives, but they'll never take our microwave burritos!"

  • Morgan_LaFai

    "What makes the freak
    And what makes the geek?"
    Ring the bells, bells, bells, bells,
    Bells of Scotland

  • Quatermain

    1st Picture: And on that day, Chunk took the first step on that lonely road that led inevitably to the Truffle Shuffle.

    2nd Picture: In an alternate, matriarchal world, this is what women who listen to Zepplin constantly and work at bowling alleys have painted on the sides of their vans.

  • Bert_McGurt

    1st image: "And at that moment, Jaleel did not give a single lonely f*ck about lactose intolerance."

    2nd image: "Disney's purchase of Lucasfilm revives interest in the long-dormant production of the rednexplotation film NASCAR Wars."

  • MurderBot

    2nd image:

    "A hot day" thought young Wilford Brimley as he prepared to crush his enemies, see them driven before him, and hear the lamentations of their women.

  • BWeaves

    1. Urkel: The Audition

    2. Zardoz: The Audition

  • 1st image:
    Fuck tha police.

  • Romeo Cranberry

    2nd image:

    Fuck tha police.

  • Legally Insignificant

    1st picture: After kissing Wendy Peffercorn, Squints became an even bigger dick.

    2nd picture: CMT's made-for-tv remake of The Highlander did not quite go as planned.

  • Mrcreosote

    ..and at that moment Vanilla Ice was born.
    Actually I think that caption works for both. I'm out!

  • 2nd image:

    ‘The horde rides towards me. I can hear them stampeding over
    the horizon; I can smell their bloodlust. The rocks quiver and resonate with
    their baying cries, and still they come. It cannot be too long until they are
    on top of me. Some of my brothers have fallen, others have fled. I stand alone
    now, but I stand still! Let them come! Let them do what they will! If I fall
    here then I fall as a man! This is where I make my stand! This is where they
    find a match! They will never take this place! They will not get past my
    defences! They will never take my virginityyyyyyyy!’

  • L.O.V.E.

    I see we were of similar minds on this one.

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