The Weekly Caption Contest
It's been a really fucking trying week, and I want to congratulate each and every one of you for surviving it. In my book, which is big and mean, like the Bible, you all deserve a type written letter of commendation and encouragement from Dustin Rowles.
I thought that the image that Replica provided last week was a tough one to caption, and once again I was gobsmacked by the volume and quality of submissions. You're like caption contest first responders, brave warriors who will dangle from ropes just to say something clever. This is the image from last week:
We have six finalists, and each one will be ranked in accordance with the greatest sporting moments in my life.
Coming in 6th, as that awesome diving catch I made in Little League when I got a bloody nose but still hung onto the ball, is:
A chilling scene from the Michael Bey summer blockbuster "PAC-MAN: The Movie"
GunNut, it is never not fun to make fun of Michael Bey, and although I was never impressed with the game, I would definitely go see PAC-MAN: The Movie, but there would have to be violence and nudity, which of course, Michael Bey would provide. For you I bestow a photograph of a slutty woman dressed in vaguely Pac Man themed attire. It's dirty:
Coming in 5th, as hitting Mark Windgate in a throat with a perfectly packed snowball from 25 yards, is:
"Yes, I ordered the tribal loin cloth with grass fringe. What I got was clearly dress slacks with a belt. Look, it would be much easier to order correctly if your company had a website. I'm sitting here on a pay phone like some kind of cultureless savage.
Paultera, you have what it takes. In fact, it sounds like you might even have some experience ordering loin clothes with grass fringe. You are a star to me.
Coming in 4th, as striking out Mike Kirby on three pitches, is:
"do I need to get a new agent, Larry? Because you told me I had the part, that the audition was just a formality... yet I see another guy here who looks just like me - but he's younger... don't BS me Larry, he's standing right here next to me... hey, you do what you gotta do, just lock it in for me Larry, or we're through!"
"Yeah, I know the tourists pay well and the anthropologists can't tell the difference but you gotta get me outta here, Murry. This is degrading. I trained at Julliard, for chrissakes."
Similarly themed and executed, it proved impossible to pick one over the other, so I just stuck them in at 4th. I think that they're both penetrating looks into the world of acting and the relationship we, as a decadent empire, have with tourism and even anthropology. Brilliant and funny.
Coming in 3rd, as the time I beat actor Matthew Perry in tennis, is:
Dr. Christina Bowman, sociologist, traveled to the heart of the Amazonian rain forest. She endured privation, danger, and disease, relentlessly battling the elements and an old-boys' club mentality that said a woman could never succeed in this venture. But her perseverance was ultimately rewarded when she published her groundbreaking article in The Journal of Ancient Cultures: "The Last Working Payphone on Earth."
I like this one because it sounds so true. I mean, Wednesday, you should be writing movie of the week blurbs, you have a gift. For you I give the gift of Matthew Perry as the smug boy I crushed at tennis:
Coming in 2nd, as heckling Keith Hernandez at a Montreal Expos baseball game to the point where he turned to me and told me to, "Go fuck, yourself, kid!" is:
What am I wearing? A head dress, a huge necklace, and some dockers. Hello? Hello?
Googer, we've all tried to hook-up via phone, so we know exactly what you're getting at. Personally, I feel badly for the guy because I think that his ensemble suggests an interesting person. I mean, we're all looking to broaden our horizons, right? And for you, I give a photograph of that prick Keith Hernandez:
And in first place, as the goal I scored in overtime to secure the city championship for the Peewee B Rockliffe Rockets (upper right hand corner), is:
The Caller: Nice pants. Italian. You hung up, Siaki. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye. I feel bad about the wild boar guy. But I couldn't miss seeing you and Ele'ele reunited. You don't have to thank me, nobody ever does. I just hope your newfound honesty lasts. Because if it doesn't, you'll be hearing from me.
Siaki: Who is this?
The Caller: Isn't it funny? You hear a phone ring and it could be anybody. But a ringing phone has to be answered, doesn't it?
The Caller: [whispers] Doesn't it?
L.O.V.E. has mastered this genre. I find his submission this week to be moving, surreal and completely European. I can almost see the American remake of the of the black and white Armenian classic. L.O.V.E. you are our single combat hero, and this week you take home all the glory, so just send us your address and Dustin will type out a letter of congratulations to you for your stunning, almost supernatural, ability.
This week we're going with two images. We don't know why, as I said, it's been a tough week. So here they are, do with them whatever you like!