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The Tragic Realization that You Are Too Old for Urban Outfitters

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | February 18, 2014 | Comments ()


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It was the great Patty Griffin who once said, “it took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go.” And, years past the point I should have, I’m gonna let him fly. Him here meaning Urban Outfitters.

I was clad almost exclusively in Urban Outfitters most wannabe-hipster-chic finery from roughly 2002 until 2007, with minor judgment lapses since.

This is me in 2006. I am pouting because I’m the worst, as you can tell.

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As 30 approaches, I’ve finally hit the turn. I officially request that Urban Outfitters remove itself from my lawn.

Because this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.

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Because you shouldn’t pay $50 for a thrift store sweatshirt that was hideous in 1992 and has managed to get uglier since.

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Because paying this kind of money for Michelle Duggar’s casual daywear seems excessive.

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Because you should not have to rock both sideboob and camel toe together in the same outfit.

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Because at this point why even bother with a shirt?

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Because at this point why even bother with pants?

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Because you are not trying to make weight for a wrestling match and do not require this much pleather-induced crotch sweat.

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Because irony is dead and these shirts killed it.

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Because $44 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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Because fringe pants are not the look.

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Because intestine pants are not the look.

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Because why does your crotch need that much breathing room? Is it to recover from the pleather shorts?

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Because no, we do not get to make fun of moms for 20 years then steal their jeans.

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Because this is just a tote bag with the bottom cut open.

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Because these shoes are a sledgehammer of reality into my rose-colored ’90s footwear glasses.

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Because Russian-mob-wife chic has never been a thing.

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Because…wait, I take back everything I said. I need three of these at once.

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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • kirbyjay

    Unicorns? Kittens? It looks like I stumbled into the KMart Over 60 ( or under 6)department

  • Sassy Pikachu

    My subconscious read the "UO" as "NO" the entire time. I had to double-take a couple of times till I realize it said "UO".

    Though the NO really is more true towards how I feel about these monstrosities.

  • Robert Sanchez III

    Courtney Enlow you are very pretty.

  • GrungellaCronk

    I'd rock the Peter Pan collar-leather shorts combo. Apart from that, all the clothes look fugly and tacky. Meaning, I can see Miley et al. wear them.

  • DarthCorleone

    She looks extremely depressed that her shirt is missing the shoulders. Or maybe she's just super thoughtful about something that wearing shirts without shoulders might inspire.

  • fartygirl

    urban renewals and urban outfitters are two different stores.

  • Johnyhal186

    But intestine pants are the look, so hot right now

  • poopnado

    I'm pretty sure this company is going down the tubes anyway. I do sometimes stop in the store near my house, because their sales section is incredible. Nobody around here wants to pay full price for their crazy ugly outfits, or even the rare attractive pieces. I got my most-worn pairs of pants there for $5 each a few years ago. They're just jeans, but I think they were well over $100 full price. Ridic!

  • DominaNefret

    I have never owned anything from Urban Outfitters, or even been inside of one (I will be 30 this year), but, uhhhh, I kind of really need that unicorn and flying kittens shirt. It is awful/hilarious/amazing/Lisa-Frank-on-glitter-steroids, but I would rock the shit out of it.

  • Bodhi

    I'd take the wide legged jeans & baby doll shirts from a 20yo Delia's catalog over all of this stuff

  • Stu Rat

    Are you sure those are prices?
    Not how much they'll pay you to wear it out of the store?

  • fashionforgiants

    The Urban Renewal line is the worst. They charge $50+ for ugly Christmas sweaters too. I guess for those people who are too lazy or too stupid to go to Goodwill.

  • I was wondering what happened to my maternity jeans. Apparently they've been turned into hipster culottes.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    You had me at "tote bag" (I have so many potential dresses/tops at home! who knew?)

    They are really into the recycled denim, aren't they?

    These are crazy hideous. I was never a regular at Urban Outfitters - I always thought they were pricey - but I'd occasionally pick up select items from the sale rack. These options definitely reaffirm my life choice not to have shopped with them for the past 3 or 4 years though.

  • bleujayone

    It's like all the old UPN/WB shows' wardrobe departments decided to have a spring cleaning purge before their merge and their joint storage locker was only now unearthed in an auction.

  • bastich

    I approve of these outfits. I believe that they serve as an important natural warning system for potential mates.

    Rattlesnakes have their rattles, poisonous lizards have their bright colors, and Manic Pixie Dream Girls have Urban Outfitters.

  • e jerry powell

    Welcome to the other side, Courtney.

  • chanohack

    I had that EXACT SAME necklace in 2006 and wore it every goddamn day because it was rad and went with everything.

    (I know "rad" isn't 2006 lingo-- but that's how I talk now, that's how I talked in 2006, that's how I learned to speak in the 80s and I see no reason to change.)

  • PDamian

    Like, tubular!

  • BWeaves

    Far out!

  • Good God.I don't understand any of this.

  • BobbFrapples

    I wore this stuff the first time around; I shall not subject myself to them again. NEVER AGAIN.

  • specialj67

    Ugh. This is everything terrible about early '90s fashion. I get that it's a thing that trends, especially fashion trends, are cyclical; it's been 20 years, so now let's bring back the over-sized denim shirts. I cannot wait for this to pass.

  • TacoBellRey

    The lifeless eyes of the models don't help either.

  • Modernlove

    One day I will meet the people who design these things, decide to mass-market them, and pick to stock them in their store. And then I will steal all their drugs cause it has to been some good stuff they have.

  • Maddy

    I kind of want the Clueless shirt though ...

  • Berry

    Me too, but the quote really should be AS IF, no?

  • Fabius_Maximus

    That unicorn t-shirt is fucking hilarious. And the intestine pants remind me of this.

  • BWeaves

    On the President's Day article, I posted something about Thomas Jefferson wearing Vaginny cloth. I think I know what they use that kind of cloth for nowadays.

  • lowercase_ryan

    You're not even 30?

  • profession: none, or starlet

    Luther is everything. I want to borrow his panda fat eye cream.

  • e jerry powell

    20 bajillion upvotes.

  • 29 next week. GO TO BED, OLD MAN.

  • Kendra, Warrior Babe

    Christ bananas! Thank you for bringing guffawing to my day. Everyone who comes to my office will be reading this article: I work at a college, so it's my duty to educate. For the kids. (Any maybe I'm hoping someone will buy me that Clueless shirt please oh please.)

  • logan

    Never hear of 'em.

  • L.O.V.E.

    4 thoughts:

    The leather hotpants and the cropped blouse (not paired) can stay. burn everything else.

    Scrap denim is to be used for U.S. currency; not Quaker-chic.

    courtney should pout more.

    You didn't get too old for urban outfitters; it looks like its designers got too old for you.

  • thatsmrsnyder

    You could have said these pictures were from some parody site and I would have believed you.

    As it stands, I'm still not convinced as to their authenticity.

  • "As 30 approaches..."

    *squint glares rockets*

    Get off of my lawn.

  • You are FIVE YEARS older than me. I looked it up even!

    What I'm saying is I can pick up some Polident for you if you need it.

  • BWeaves

    I hate to say this, but these clothes look an awful lot like the stuff I used to see on people in the 1980s or 90's. Is it a nostalgia thing? Please tell me it's not?

    Luckily, I was no longer a teenager when this stuff was "fashionable" the first time around.

    Those are some butt ugly clothes. On the plus side, is it a new form of birth control?

  • Sassy Pikachu

    Well apparently the style from the 80's (and apparently 90's is making a come-back too) is getting more popular, most of the high fashion line is taking inspirations from that too. Thus the ungodly slew of funky hair, crazy colors, baggy shit that fits no one and then charge an arm and a leg for that.
    And my biggest peeve: WHY THE 80's AND THE 90's WHEN WE HAD GORGEOUS CLOTHES FROM THE 20's - 60's??????

  • Bea Pants

    I was just thinking those denim overalls look like something i owned (and cherished) around the early/mid 1990s.

    The little blue top with the second pair of pleather shorts is cute. Everything is either tacky, frumpy or an unholy combination of both.

  • Stephanie

    I feel you, Courtney. I wander around "Forever 21" constantly assuring the salespeople that I'm just waiting for my daughter. They always look very relieved.

  • KZoeT

    Is this from the "Hipster Sister Wives" collection? That's an astonishing amount of dumpy denim.

  • BWeaves

    I read that "Dumpster Sister Wives."

  • Mrs. Julien

    Mormon hoarders edition.

  • competitivenonfiction

    "Hipster Sister Wives" needs to be a reality show.

  • Sassy Pikachu

    I second this decision.

  • fashionforgiants

    I'd watch the shit out of that show.

  • PDamian

    I'm going to be 50 in a year. Being one of those clueless human beings who thinks that stores exist to sell me stuff and that my money is good everywhere, I wandered into an Urban Outfitters about a year ago because I saw some earrings in the window I liked. I've never had so much side-eye in my life, from sales assistants and shoppers alike, nor have I felt so old -- ever. Oh, well. Guess I'll toddle off to put on my mom jeans and listen to Perry Como records.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    If you do those things ironically you will be totally on trend.

  • chanohack

    My sister works in a hip retail store, and complains to me all the time about OLD BATS who shop there and how she's NOT ALLOWED to go up and be like, "Ew. Get. Out." So I one time I say, "Am I too old to shop there?" And she says, "Ummmmm, I didn't want to say anything buuuuuut… yeah."

    I take comfort from the fact that I'm only four years older than she is, so her time is coming.

  • I work retail in...well, let's just say it's the opposite of F21 and OU, and every now we'll get a gaggle of teens walking around, looking confused. It's all I can do to not walk up to them and go "The fuck are you doing in here? Shoo! Shoo!"

  • Emma

    Chico's?

  • Try going into Forever 21 (what? I like their super cheap jewelry!) sometime. I've never felt more like a balrog at a hobbit convention.

  • webelos8

    May I steal that?

  • PDamian

    I certainly am.

  • BWeaves

    Me, three.

  • thatsmrsnyder

    I get that same feeling whenever I go to Whole Foods. I don't need condescending glances from someone who stacks vegetables for a living.

  • Bedewcrock

    It feels like almost everyone who works there is especially miserable (specifically the cashiers).

  • emmalita

    I GIVE side-eye in Whole Foods! I know more about their over priced produced than they do.

  • becks2point0

    I already knew my vagina was upset about my leather shorts but now that you're weighing in against them as well, Courtney, I may have to consider retiring them.

    That Russian mob wife dress would totally work with opaque tights, black suede booties, undone dishwater hair and minimal makeup though and I STAND BY THAT.

  • Three_nineteen

    That dress is totally '90s Fran Drescher.

  • becks2point0

    I see it.

  • cruzzercruz

    I hate all the girls who wear this stuff. I'm also incredibly attracted to them. I have a few issues to sort out.

  • If you find a therapist willing to take you on, slip me their number. Maybe we can get a support group going.

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