The Tragic Realization that You Are Too Old for Urban Outfitters
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The Tragic Realization that You Are Too Old for Urban Outfitters

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | February 18, 2014 | Comments ()


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It was the great Patty Griffin who once said, “it took awhile to understand the beauty of just letting go.” And, years past the point I should have, I’m gonna let him fly. Him here meaning Urban Outfitters.

I was clad almost exclusively in Urban Outfitters most wannabe-hipster-chic finery from roughly 2002 until 2007, with minor judgment lapses since.

This is me in 2006. I am pouting because I’m the worst, as you can tell.

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As 30 approaches, I’ve finally hit the turn. I officially request that Urban Outfitters remove itself from my lawn.

Because this is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen.

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Because you shouldn’t pay $50 for a thrift store sweatshirt that was hideous in 1992 and has managed to get uglier since.

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Because paying this kind of money for Michelle Duggar’s casual daywear seems excessive.

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Because you should not have to rock both sideboob and camel toe together in the same outfit.

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Because at this point why even bother with a shirt?

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Because at this point why even bother with pants?

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Because you are not trying to make weight for a wrestling match and do not require this much pleather-induced crotch sweat.

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Because irony is dead and these shirts killed it.

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Because $44 ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

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Because fringe pants are not the look.

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Because intestine pants are not the look.

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Because why does your crotch need that much breathing room? Is it to recover from the pleather shorts?

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Because no, we do not get to make fun of moms for 20 years then steal their jeans.

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Because this is just a tote bag with the bottom cut open.

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Because these shoes are a sledgehammer of reality into my rose-colored ’90s footwear glasses.

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Because Russian-mob-wife chic has never been a thing.

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Because…wait, I take back everything I said. I need three of these at once.

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