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The Time Has Come for the Annual Festivus Airing of Grievances

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | December 22, 2014 | Comments ()

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | December 22, 2014 |


i got a lot of problems with you people.jpg

Stop whatever work you’re doing right now, because December 23rd is Festivus, and it demands your full and undivided attention. For those of you who didn’t watch Seinfeld reruns five nights a week well into your teens, Festivus is a holiday celebrated by George’s family that involves a Festivus Pole, the Feats of Strength, and the Airing of Grievances. Sadly, The Rock did not respond to my many Tweets challenging him to the Feats, but I can handle the Airing of Grievances all on my own.

Tom Hardy
You didn’t hang out with puppies enough this year! What gives?

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Myself
You paid cash money for Left Behind, and I still haven’t forgiven you.

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Tilda Swinton
I know my birthday present must’ve gotten lost in the mail.

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Helen Mirren
You need to stop giving me unrealistic expectations of what I can look like when I’m in my late 60s, lady.

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Idris Elba
The Sony hack didn’t reveal that you are secretly Batman. But it’s OK. I know.

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Harvey Weinstein
The Snowpiercer thing.

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All the puppies I will never pet
Why are there so many of you?!

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Stanley Tucci
Even though you were in one of the worst movies of the year, you made it impossible for me not to love you. I don’t appreciate the hold you have over me, sir.

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GamerGate
Fuck you very much.

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And all the other shit things that happened this year.
You know what you are. Don’t keep this shit going on 2015, you hear me?

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