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The Three Most Important Games to Watch During Week 10 of the NFL

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | November 6, 2014 | Comments ()

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | November 6, 2014 |


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Week 10 in the NFL is upon us and whooooooo boy have we got a bunch of clunkers this weekend! It’s a real shit-show out there, folks, but I’ll try to pull out the best three for those of you who don’t have the time to watch football as if it’s a part time job.

Thursday Night Football: 3-4 hrs

Sunday Football: 12 hours

Monday Night Football: 3-4 hrs

Total: HOLY SHIT 18-20 hours. Every week? If I worked the loading line at my local UPS delivery service instead of watching a bunch of troglodytes run into each other at high speed I could make enough to buy myself a Miata!

Do they still make Miatas? It’s always just been a punchline car for me. Quick search … and …

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I guess they do. Guess I’ll get a little more “mileage” out of that joke. Oh ho ho ho ho ho.

The #3 game worth watching this weekend is tonight! THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

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Aaaaaare you ready for the most irritating pre-game show in football? Want to hear Neon Deion say nothing worth hearing for like two hours straight? He just loves the sound of his own voice and that must mean you do too. Want to hear Michael Irvin regale us with tales of his playin’ daze, when they never called the offensive pass interference he committed on every play? Want to scratch your head and wonder how Mooch ever got a job outside of retail? Tune in to be underwhelmed, irritated, and to attempt to resist the urge to yell things like “oh shut the hell up!” and “that’s factually inaccurate!” at your television set. But that’s all before kickoff!

Once the game is under way, you can crack open a Schlitz and clap with passion as Ben Tate stumbles for nearly two yards per carry! Usually forward! That’s grandpa-with-a-colostomy-bag good! Even better will be watching veteran Quarterback Brian Hoyer as he drops back, scans the field and realizes that he has absolutely no one to throw to. Wonder how he leads the league in accuracy? So does he! Any chance Josh Gordon plays? He’s still on suspension? Oh goodie.

“I’ll do anything to get on the field. Please, sir.” says Isaiah “Tiny Tim” Crowell. “I’ll play wide receiver. I’ll punt. Please. Anything, sir!”

“Who the F is that?” Whispers head coach Mike Pettine.

“I have no idea.” Says offensive coordinator Kyle Shanahan.

Aaaaaaaaand on the other side of the field, that playbook looks to be just about ready for prime time!

Jeremy Hill left.
Jeremy Hill right.
Jeremy Hill middle.
Deep pass to A.J.
Sanu throws to somebody.
Jeremy Hill middle.
Jeremy Hill middle.
Repeat as necessary.

It’s not that this game will be a boring crapfest, it’s that these teams are both dealing with some notable injuries and it might be like when your cousin makes the J.V. team and takes it super seriously and at first you think he’s kidding but then you realize with horror that this is kinda/sorta the most important thing to the poor kid at this point in his life and so you’re like “yeah yeah totally” just agreeing with him even though he’s saying some disproportionately zealous shit and in the back of your mind you start doing the math because you were only planning to “drop by” for part of the game but you’re the only one in the family who showed up at all and now you feel if you left before the end it might create kind of a weird artificial rift between the two of you but you did promise be at couples counseling by 4:30 and with the drive time in rush hour traffic you’re just not gonna be able to do both.

We’ve all been there.

The second game this weekend worth watching is…

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What happens when an immovable object meets an immovable object? This is a battle of two of the league’s top three defenses. N’donkeykong Suh anchors a fierce Lions front seven that wants to put the D in asskicking’d.

The Lions are 6-2 and that scares them because they’re much better at being 2-6. It’s like taking a fish out of water and asking it to swim in a cream soda. The Lions’ natural state is losing, the way mercury’s natural state is liquid or argon’s natural state is gas or Jared Cook’s natural state is douchebag. Eventually, the Lions will figure out a way to get back to who they’re supposed to be.

But not if Golden Tate has anything to say about it! For years the Lions drafted a series of absolute clunkers to start opposite Megatron. Some of them failed. Some of them would be declared mentally insane and locked up. Others would break their arms when they drove off the road trying to stop pizza boxes from sliding around in the car. I’m not making this shit up. But with the arrival of Golden Tate, the Lions have the compliment they always wanted. The complement they always needed. And he’s been holding down the fort while the greatest receiver in Lions history came correct. It’s all poised to go off like a shaken bottle of four dollar Andre this weekend.

Unless the league’s most surprising defense can put the kibosh on it. Cameron Wake and his dread pirate sack rush lead a team of Mongolian cabbage thieves on a mission of mercy. Specifically: trying to save Joe Philbin’s job. Not that it would matter. Joe Philbin was born without the gift of facial expressions. His range of emotions begins at eh and ends at shrug. It’s that kind of heady leadership that propelled the Dolphins to a shutout win over the San Diego Chargers last week, perfectly timed for the week that everybody dropped their fantasy defense because they thought Philip Rivers would throw for 60 points. Thanks, Philip Rivers!

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Dolphins. Lions. Mammals both. And on Sunday, we’ll see who has the greater survival instinct. Or whatever.

And you’re #1 game worth watching this weekend.

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Sunday Night Football! From the inverted hellscape of Lambeau Field trot out the mighty Packers, led by a guy who photobombs team captains and owns his own record label. It’s hard to see a scenario where the Bears don’t automatically assume the position, but you never know with division rivalries. There have been times in the past where Rodgers has been shaky or had rickets and the game was kinda close. I mean, the Pack won, obviously, but it was within a few touchdowns.

The group of receivers on the Packers is like the Cool Runnings bobsled ensemble of the NFL. Lithe, fit athletes, fast as rockets and ready to get into a fiberglass shell and risk physical injury for their team. Jordy Nelson is the best receiver in the NFL so far this year. Him or Antonio Brown from the Steelers, basically. And neither of them get the press of your Julio Jones or your Brandon Marshalls, both of whom have spent much of this season turning the amplitude of their home theaters of suck up to 11. But not the Packers WR corps. Jordy Nelson is a stud. Randall Cobb is a gamer. Davante Adams is a comer. Stud, Gamer, Comer. It’s the chant Mike McCarthy whispers three times into a bowl of melted gouda before each home game. Fun fact. It’s almost fun enough to make you forget that they haven’t had a legitimate tight end since Jerkmichael Finlay got his bell rung off.

If only the Pack had a tailback that didn’t run like he was wearing a poopie diaper. Oh, I’m sorry, they do. His name is James Starks. Not that it matters. These guys are window dressing, anyway. Airing it out is the Packers bailywick, and against the “effortful” “well-meaning” “polite” “pass-defense-challenged” corners of the Bears, they should be in the paint all day.

You hear that, Smokin’ Jay! I’m callin’ you out boy! If you’re a-gonna win you better decide to throw for five touchdowns. I’m not kidding. Your defense couldn’t stop the baby carriage rolling down the stairs in The Untouchables. So you’re going to have to outscore them. Tall order! Speaking of which…don’t you have the tallest receiver and tight end combo in the league? Isn’t it basically like three fast-running Treebeards holding their arms up and waiting for you to deign to throw them the ball? Something like that? Boy that sounds like it would be pretty great to have if you weren’t the kind of useless-know-it-all who, in his 9th season as a professional would know that you need to look off a safety and not stare down your primary receiver before you inevitably throw your trademark pick o’ the game? Also, I admire your desire to be the best at something but could it stop being fumbles? Possibly? Because you’re leading the league in that.

This week, one amazing leader will rise to carry their team to what the Spanish call victoria. Only time, and a really easy guess based on this picture, will tell us who that’ll be.

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Have a great weekend everyone. See you on Tuesday.


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