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The Story Of Butthole Day

By | Miscellaneous | November 12, 2010 | Comments ()


ButtholeDayMythos.png

Gather 'round children, gather 'round... today, I'm going to tell you the most magical story of all: The story of Butthole day. Sure, Halloween has candy, and Christmas has presents, and Valentine's day has the crushing, inescapable truth that you will die alone and unloved, but the magic of Butthole day, the true meaning and spirit of the holiday, comes from deep inside you.

Specifically, inside your butt cheeks. And actually, it really isn't all that far. But that's neither here nor there.

It is said that on the eve before Butthole Day, Joan Holloway loads her festive, pink murdertank full of toilet paper handcrafted her magical workshop of powerbottoms, then flies off into the air, to deliver them to all the good boys and girls of the world.

In preparation for Joan's arrival, people everywhere, both young and old, rich and poor, man and woman, hang their underwear by the fireplace, hoping that Joan Holloway will come down the chimney while they sleep. It is said that the good boys and girls are given toilet paper so soft and silky-smooth, that it was made from the down of angels mixed with rainbows and 2% recycled post-consumer paper.

Those who are naughty, however, suffer a worse fate: they are given the crappy bulk toilet paper used in public washrooms and hotels. They wake up in the morning to find the one-ply atrocity that awaits them, and when they wipe, it irritates their buttholes, and then the paper rips and their fingers go through. Such fates await those who are naughty.

In the days leading up to Butthole day, it's appropriate for the children to hang strands of toilet paper from the trees and along banisters inside the house. Cozies are slipped onto toilet seats, and high-fiber cookies and coffee are left out for Joan Holloway.

But the real joy of Butthole Day is the joy of expression; of knowing that, thanks to the daily sacrifices of brave men and women everywhere, we live in a country where we are free to say "BUTTHOLE!" whenever and wherever we want. A country that gives us the freedom, not just of speech, but of an open dialogue, and debate. It doesn't matter whether or not you say "BUTTHOLE" today; all that matters is the fact that you can.


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