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The Pajiba Fictional Character Sex Tournament - Elite Eyyyyyyyght

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | April 1, 2016 |


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The cheese is getting binding, as they say. The time has come for you to choose which character in each of THE FUCKENING’s four brackets is best in bed. Then they will go on to battle each other TO THE DEATH next week. Or to the little death, maybe. Same diff.

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(click to embiggen)

Superhero Bracket

Peggy Carter vs Black Widow

This bracket had some strong contenders in Deadpool, Thor, Wonder Woman, Jessica Jones, Melinda May,… Hawkeye? LOL, no, not Hawkeye. But there was no damn way, ever, at any point, that the final wasn’t going to come to down to Peggy “Agent if you’re nasty” Carter and Black Widow.

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Even if Jessica Jones almost pulled off an upset victory against Nat in the round of 32, Marvel’s favorite superspy extraordinaire was back to mopping the floor with Thor a week later. Now that sounds like a party.

Harry Potter Bracket

Sirius vs Tonks

All you Bellatrix pervs got your wish; number one seed Neville Longbottom is down, taken out by Sirius Black. Sirius, your life may have been tragic—born into a family of wizard Nazis, he was falsely imprisoned for 12 years for the murder of his best friend, after which he wasn’t able to publicly assert his innocence and instead was confined to the place that encapsulates all his worst childhood memories, and then, oh yeah, he died—but Pajibans still want to fuck you. That counts for something, surely. But has all the emotional and physical torment Sirius has been through left him a satisfying sexual partner? Narcissistic and kind of bratty, was he ever all that considerate a lover in the first place? Prison tats: Turn on or no?

In the other corner we have Tonks, who beat THE FUCKENING favorite Hermione last round. Spunky, headstrong, and capable of changing her appearance at will, Tonks has a natural advantage in this tourney. But would you want to risk sex with someone who might morph into Donald Trump at any moment just to mess with you?

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Star Wars Bracket

Poe vs Leia

Look, people. I totally get why you voted Poe over Han. You figured, Hey, I’m voting for Indy over Mal in the Kitchen Sink bracket, so that’s young Harrison Ford covered. WRONG. The Indy vs Han debate is a cornerstone of geek culture. You jackholes denied us of our GOD-GIVEN BIRTHRIGHT. I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.

RIP Han Solo, THE FUCKENING, Empire’s kiss scene, and my lions:

SO ANYWAY. The final battle for which Star Wars character is best in bed is between the Original Trilogy and The Force Awakens (fuck the prequels), the old and the new, the ladies vs the gents: Leia vs Poe. It’s a toughie, I won’t lie. Leia is determined, passionate, and demands what she wants. We haven’t seen as much of Poe, but he looks like Oscar Isaac, which will take you far.

Gif patrol go go go:

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Presented without comment.

Kitchen Sink Bracket

Indiana Jones vs Inara Serra

Firefly’s Inara Serra has taken out some heavy-duty contenders so far in THE FUCKENING—never by a large margin, but beating Spike from Buffy, John Luther, and Dana Scully is no mean accomplishment.

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Here, she’s up against her white whale: Indiana Jones. He may not be a professional sex worker like Inara is, but he’s been a professional in the art of panty-dropping since 1981.

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And Indy’s proven a formidable contender, too, having breezed past Raylan Givens and Ian Malcolm before laying the prime beef smackdown on Inara’s Firefly compatriot (and number one seed) Mal Reynolds. Will Indy pick up Fox’s mantle and beat the shit out of Firefly a little more? Take it away, voters.


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