have some fairy dust motherfucker.gif

The Filmography of Phil Lord & Chris Miller: Character Fight Club

By Rebecca Pahle | Miscellaneous | June 12, 2014 |


have some fairy dust motherfucker.gif

22 Jump Street is coming out this weekend, and by all rights it should be the film that breaks directing duo Phil Lord and Chris Miller’s excellent track record. The sequel to a movie that was supposed to suck but didn’t never avoids suckitude itself. It. Does. Not. Happen. But apparently Lord and Miller sold their souls to the Eldritch Gods of excellent filmmaking, because early reviews have been by and large positive. To celebrate, I’m going to take characters from Lord & Miller movies, shove them in a cage together, and force them to fight to the death. Fun times!

1franco batman.jpg
LEGO Batman vs Eric Molson
LEGO Bats would take down Dave “You bought us Taco Bell” Franco by playing his goth dead parents music at high volume and puncturing his eardrums. DARKNESS. NO PARENTS. THE OPPOSITE OF LIGHT.

1cal flashback schmidt.jpg
Cal Devereaux vs Teenage Schmidt
Little Cal would mess flashback Jonah Hill up so bad. This would be a bloody fight, with bits of cheeseburger and bleached-blonde hair littering the arena. At the end Schmidt lies lifeless in a pool of blood and melted ice cream as Mr. T sheds an extremely manly tear of pride from the sidelines.

1chicken brent lego shaq.jpg
Chicken Brent vs LEGO Shaq
LEGO Shaq may not have been ready for the armed forces of Lord Business, but he is ready for this. Chicken Brent will meet a fate most fowl when LEGO Shaq uses his eggstroardinary physical prowess to lay a smackdown such as the world has never seen.

1jenko angry unikitty.jpg
Drugged Jenko vs Angry Unikitty
Charming Potato, you know I love you, but you’d have at least three broken bones and several punctured organs before the opening bell even stopped tolling. Angry Unikitty would use her claws to decapitate Drugged Jenko, and it would take hours, and she would love every second of it.

1couch papa lockwood.jpg
The Double-Decker Couch vs Papa Lockwood’s Facial Hair
This would be the closest, most tense fight of the set. The two competitors stand at opposite ends of the arena: silent, still, … waiting. It does on for hours, until—in the blink of an eye, yet it also seems to take an eternity—the brows and ‘stache of Papa Lockwood explode in a cloud of hair, little bits of skin, and effluvia. (Yes, facial hair has effluvia. Look it up if you don’t believe me.)

1korean jesus gandhi.jpg
Clone Gandhi vs Korean Jesus
Normally I’d say it would be no contest, but Korean Jesus is pretty well bound to that cross, while Clone Gandhi—shrimpy and lacking both an ability to focus and Korean Jesus’ sublime muscle definition—at least has mobility. But Korean Jesus has one arm free, so I see him plucking off his crown of thorns and using it Xena chakram-style to sever one of Gandhi’s arteries.

1lincoln vs benny.jpg
Clone Lincoln vs Benny
Depends. Does Benny have access to a SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP SPACESHIP—

1sam sparks jfk.jpg
Sam Sparks vs Clone JFK
Are you kidding? Sam used to be bullied based on her appearance—Mr. “No Fatties” here doesn’t stand a chance. Be prepared for a second death to come from the grassy knoll that is Ms. Sparks’ fist, you asshole.

Rebecca has a violent spirit. You can find her on Twitter and The Mary Sue.


Get entertainment, celebrity and politics updates via Facebook or Twitter. Buy Pajiba merch at the Pajiba Store.

Double the Sarah Paulson, Double the Fun: Paulson Reveals Two-Headed 'American Horror Story: Freak Show' Character | Engage! LeVar Burton Announces Several Generations of Star Trek Actors Will Kick Off Reading Rainbow




Continue Reading After the Advertisement

Bigots, Trolls & MRAs Are Not Welcome in the Comments




Advertisement




The Pajiba Store


petr-store-pajiba.png






Privacy Policy
advertise