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The Casual NFL Fan's Guide to This Weekend's Best Match-Ups

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | October 23, 2014 | Comments ()

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | October 23, 2014 |


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There are a lot of casual NFL fans on Pajiba, which means that you’ll catch a game here and there but won’t really make it a point to tune in. I understand that. Sometimes all the logos just blend in to each other.

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It’s like, they’re all doing the same thing? And why are they all facing right? Is this some sort of conservative conspiracy? Isn’t there a single liberal, bleeding-heart pinko I can relate to?

Anyone? Bueller?

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Avast ye, Philadelphia Eagles! Who doth thou playest this weekend? The Arizona Cardinals? In Arizona? Well bless my little heart, that’s actually a game worth watching, folks. (Cue music)

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The #3 game of the week actually worth watching is the Eagles at the Cardinals. Both teams are 5-1 and both teams have questions about whether or not they’re complete pretenders. I say they both are! But tune in anyway to basically see two fourth graders swordfighting with flaccid pieces of salami. It’s not a national broadcast, but if you’re lucky enough to be within cheese-oil contamination distance from Philly or 120-degree desert-white-out-burning-sidewalk distance from ‘Zona (nobody says ‘Zona), you can tune in.

It is worth having on in the background if you’re:

  • vacuuming your house
  • carving pumpkins
  • on a stakeout

    It’s not worth watching if you’re:

  • having a baby
  • driving around in your Tesla waving to poor people but in your mind kinda/sorta giving them the finger
  • catching up on old episodes of John Oliver’s Last Week Tonight

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    Ahhhh. Just looking at his beautiful face makes me remember the good ol’ days when he was on The Daily Show. And the pool hall I loved as a kid is now a 7/11. Sigh. (Speaking of which, if you google “STORY OF MY LIFE LYRICS” a One Direction song comes up.) Oh Athena! Send down a rain of spears upon me! Because I’m pretty sure if I google that, this is what we should get, every time:

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    I suppose you’re right, Simone de Beauvoir. I suppose you’re right. Speaking of defeat. let’s jump right into the #2 worth-watching game of the week. Is it the Lions vs. the Falcons in London? A game that kicks off at 6:30am in California? (I’m serious).

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    No, no, no. This is not a game worth watching unless you want to see Matt Ryan have his spleen removed on national TV. Otherwise you can just wait for the movie.

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    No, the #2 game is on Monday Night Football… (cue music)

    …where the woeful, piss-poor Washington team travels to get absolutely annihilated in front of everyone in the television watching universe. This isn’t a football game, folks, it’s a snuff film. If you’ve ever swallowed down a macabre desire to watch someone die, you’re in luck! Because you’re in good company.

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    Hades, the Supreme Lord of the Dead, loves nothing more than to fricassee souls, and the Washington Racists are a dish he’s been coveting for a long time. This is a division game, which can sometimes go in unpredictable directions, but if everyone sticks to the script, this should be an old fashioned country ass-kickin’.

    Plusses:

  • The “game” will be over in about nine minutes, so you can go back to playing Sudoku or, if you have friends, Balderdash.

  • You’ll see Tony Romo an extra 11.5 times. Based on this sheet of coach and QB inserts from the Wall Street Journal.

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    Minuses:

    You probably won’t get to see the disgraced, outgoing head of the Navajo Nation being a pawn of the oppressor again. Boo Hoo.

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    Gosh, that looks like fun! There’s so much raw, obvious chemistry between these people. And look at Mrs. Navajo Nation on the right. You’re not exonerated, honey. What did he promise you, Lady Macbeth? How many pre-owned Pontiac Bonnevilles are you getting out of this deal? Oh, Dan Snyder, you pusillanimous shit-burglar! I admire your plucky, ass-backward resistance in the face of overwhelming opposition. You’re as sure to succeed as Madam Secretary in Deep Impact.


    And that brings us to the #1 GAME WORTH WATCHING THIS WEEK! (Cue music)

    TONIGHT! Tonight….tonight…..tonight….

    THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL! Your very own surging, record-breaking, Peyton Manning-led Denver Broncos in a key divisional matchup against the visiting San Diego Chargers! What’s a “Charger” you ask?

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    Really, Barron Hilton? You inbred nitwit. Ugh. I was thinking the Chargers were a proud nod to the Destrier of years past, the armored medieval war-horse commonly referred to as a “charger.”

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    But, no. It apparently is a team name about people who are moved to run by the all-powerful notes of a … bugle. So, serfs, basically. Feudal indentured servants.

    Noble Lord: Charge!

    Serf #1: I ain’t chargin. There’s a shitload of evil looking pricks over there.

    Serf #2: I got me ‘ealth to fink about, gov’nah.

    Noble Lord: Charge now or I kick your family off my land and invoke my rights of fornication with your wife.

    Serf #1: Guess I’ll be charging, then.

    Serf #2: Good knowing you. I hope this fork I’m carrying can pierce armor!

    Noble Lord: Into the fray then lads! Let me know how it goes! Somebody crack me open a pomegranate. Back to the royal tents! I hate the smell of poor people.

    A lone bugle note sounds. Somewhere, Barron Hilton smiles.

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    So, tonight! Nationally televised via the NFL Network! See the Broncos and the Chargers locked in a battle to the death. Who’s your huckleberry? This gilded creature of legend?

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    Or, whatever this thing is?

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    It’s up to you, and I certainly won’t presume to tell you who to root for…

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    But you should definitely watch. Why? Because the NFL needs more fans like you. Fans with some culture and some intelligence. Fans who can properly conjugate the verb to be. Fans who may never have finished Siddhartha, but goddamnit (like me) they started it.

    Also, I’m being paid to recruit new viewers by Roger Goodell himself. Here’s a recent photo of us. I’m totally just pretending to be his apprentice, don’t worry. Then I’m going to absolutely mess his shit up when I get strong enough.

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    Anyway, make sure to watch, because for every smartypants I convert to the NFL, I get a five dollar gift certificate to Cracker Barrel. And, I don’t want to sound desperate or anything, but I’m dangerously low on Port Wine Cheese.

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    So get out there and help the cause. Not only will you be more able to follow my weekly ramblings (as if…) but you’ll also have fun, burn some calories (if you’re also doing squats) and probably meet the love of your life (if you happen to do that while watching.) Because there’s a rose in a fisted glove, and the eagle flies with the dove. And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.

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    See y’all next week.


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