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That Is Walking on Hallowed Ground

By Cindy Davis | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (43)

Theater-picture.jpg

As Depeche Mode would say, “…it’s my duty, I’m a missionary…” And so I’m here today to discuss sacred space. For some it might be a church, others a temple, a mosque, a yoga studio, an open spot in a forest, a mountain top, a library; it could be anywhere. As Pajibans, I hope you already know there is a place that is for some of us, the most sacred of all: the movie theater. In the quiet moments of early arrival, lights dimmed, the illusion of cleanliness as a young lad sweeps up the last kernels of popcorn (with no fear of being molested by the manager), one can feel he has entered a spiritual place. The movie theater is a place to worship our idols, whether directors or stars, cinematographers or scorers, writers or costumers. We come to escape, we come to be taken to another place, another world, another life and for those moments that often translate to hours, the theater is our sanctuary.

Not unlike many other sacred spaces one enters, there are a few rules set forth by theaters. And not unlike most sets of rules, some are meant to be broken (no outside food) and some are absolute (cell phones off). But there are a few rules you may not be aware of, and one or two that might need clarification, so as your theatrical spiritual guide I’m going to go over them now.

Get to your movie on time: I get to the theater appropriately early. I go to the bathroom before I leave home because public bathrooms are disgusting. I get my snacks and find a seat that suits me. Don’t come in as the movie is starting and ask me to move so you can sit next to your wife; if you loved her so much you’d have gotten here with enough time find seats together. Can’t you see in my eyes that I’m telling you to fuck off?

Stay in your seat: None of this up, down, up, down stuff. Do what you need to do and then plant it. Go to the bathroom, get your number two deal: super-sized popcorn, blue raspberry Slushie and Sour Patch Kids, say “Hi” to Suzie, then get in your seat and stay there. If I have to stand up to let you in or out one more time I’m going to “accidentally” trip you.

Respect the little people: You walk in with your six-foot-whatever-inches husband, all dapper in his felt hat and you, like me, are a shrimpy five-feet-something-or-other and the two of you look at the seats directly in front of me. Then you both stand a moment, confused about who will take whose coat and there is a shuffling of scarves and popcorn and you smile at me so I know you know I am there. When finally the undressing and rearranging is complete, your husband steps past you in the aisle and plops his giant self and his head-extending hat into the seat right in front of me, effectively blocking out the whole middle of my view. You sit next to him and I notice that had you sat in front of me, things would have been just fine. So I get up and move and the two of you notice but go on chomping your salty treats while my butt has to rewarm a new seat that also allows me to enjoy that delightfully squishy feeling of my shoe landing in a sticky, dried up soda patch. Thanks!

Know and understand the ratings: R (Restricted. Children Under 17 Require Accompanying Parent or Adult Guardian) does not mean it’s okay to take your six year old to Inglourious Basterds and if you do, the ticket taker should have the authority to kick your ass out under the YATSTBAP (You Are Too Stupid To Be A Parent) rule. If you are, in fact, at a child friendly film, please remember to extract your child from the theater if a) he is crying inconsolably for more than 30 seconds, b) he is running up and down the aisle or steps or c) he has pooped in his pants.

Shut up: Nobody wants to hear about your last hair appointment or how you couldn’t find the right dress at Macy’s. Neither does anyone here care what an ass Joe is and how he didn’t pay child support again this month and Trenton wants the new 3DS . No one wants to listen to you talk on your cell the entire time the commercials, trailers and beginning credits run. You aren’t that important, if you were you wouldn’t be here right now. Turn off your cell phone and shut the fuck up.

Shut up, Volume II: Before the feature starts, open your candy. If you brought food from home that is neatly triple-wrapped in foil and plastic, open it. If you need to ask Johnny or Portia if one of them wants some Jujubees and the candy must be passed between five people to be shaken into waiting palms, do it now. Then, for the love of Godtopus, shut all that crunching, scrunching and munching up.

Shut up, Volume III: Do not talk to or yell at the movie. Do not provide your own narration or a running commentary of the movie. Do not ask questions about the movie until after the movie. Do not walk into the theater, sit down and loudly regurgitate every review you’ve read about the movie before we all see it. Do not sit down with your friend and spoil the plot of another current release you just saw. Do not whisper incessantly. Shut the fuck up!

If you are so sick that you cannot control your cough or you must blow your nose like a trumpet every two minutes, stay home: Lifetime, TBS, USA, AMC, TMC, IFC, HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, On-Demand, Netflix, Redbox.

And now my fellow brethren and sistren, because I know how respectful you all are of your fellow (wo)man (she stole my heart and my cat), I’m guessing you may have some additions to these few, innocuous rules. Feel free to share these as you see fit, including printing them on a sandwich board and turning yourself into a human billboard.









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Comments

If you're in the front row or middle row, please be mindful of the people behind you; I seriously don't want to see your tongue sticking inside someone's throat/mouth/orifice. I am here to see a movie not some bad rendition of a porn smack down.

Posted by: tallulahc at January 23, 2011 3:42 PM

I HATE it when you're at a theater and people are loudly spoiling another recent release. I was waiting in line for another movie and thank Godtopus I'd already seen Black Swan, because some douchetard in front of me explained the entire ending to his girlfriend. I also hate hearing insipid reviews from one person to another as we walk out of the theater, so I run out of there super fast.

Posted by: Dorothy Snarker at January 23, 2011 3:47 PM

When I was at the movies the other day (yes I go to the movies), I noticed some guy throwing his candy up in the air and attempting to catch it in his mouth. The only problem was, that he missed every time, and proceeded to mutter "Fuck" or "Shit" every time. I then proceeded to shoot one of the candies out of the air right when he threw it up. He crapped his pants and left.

Posted by: Deadpool at January 23, 2011 3:50 PM

I went to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince - that would be the sixth movie in the series, for those who don't keep up with it. Some chick was sitting behind us, and she brought her friend who had not seen ANY OF THE PREVIOUS FIVE MOVIES. So she gave her a running commentary throughout the entire movie, explaining 5 movies worth of information to her stupid, idiotic friend.

Some people are just dumb, dumb humans.

Posted by: Melissa at January 23, 2011 3:50 PM

A fucking men.

Also, don't kick the seat in front of you. Tap tap tapping is irritating in the extreme. I know cinema seats are small, but shoving your knees into the seat so hard you push the person in front of you (me) forward cannot possibly make it any more comfortable. If you're that tall sit on an aisle seat and put your legs out there.

Seriously, other people's behaviour at cinemas drives me up the frigging wall. I am not afraid to tell people to shut the fuck up (even if it has led to being threatened) and I often wish I had the balls to walk up to the person talking on their phone IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FILM!, take it off them and say 'You'll get this back at the end of the film.'

Posted by: Carrie at January 23, 2011 3:52 PM

Carrie - Thank you for saying it for me. I have hip checked small children into a wall after the movie for kicking my chair. And if I needed, I will take on adults who kick my chair. Though depending on their size, I may just opt to stab their feet with my stiletto.

Respect other guests. The theatre is not your house, and everyone there has paid just as much to be able to enjoy the movie.

Posted by: Maria at January 23, 2011 5:12 PM

Clearly, Cindy Davis, you are a person of pale complexion. Do never, never, I tell you, go to a movie in a predominantly black neighborhood. Shouting at the screen, advising the characters of their next move, and criticizing the punks on screens is de rigueur. And very liberating.

You need to hold it a little less tighter.

Posted by: SittingPat at January 23, 2011 5:18 PM

As an addendum to "Shut Up Volume III:" You are not funnier than this movie. Even in the shittiest of comedies, I guarantee your loud crack about so-and-so's tits is not needed or appreciated by the audience. It doesn't add to the movie, nor does it make me like you. I'm not looking at you with admiration; actually, I'm trying to kill you with my eye darts. And let's be honest, you wouldn't even be funny even outside of the movie theater. Here's a rule of thumb: if you are the only one who is laughing at your joke, you're not that funny.

Posted by: Ruthie at January 23, 2011 5:26 PM

Cell phones. I know you're just texting but your screen is distractingly bright. It would be a great help if you'd please turn off the phone, and text later when the movie has concluded. After all, you've paid a substantial amount to see this movie and I'm sure you don't want to miss a key plot point becaue of an ill timed or badly considered text. Now that we've settled that I'll be sure to remove my boot from your neck. Thanks.

Posted by: mrcreosote at January 23, 2011 5:30 PM

I take minor issues with the last rule. There have been many occassions that I have gone to the movies to have a good time and been assaulted by a particularly offensive perfume or body spray (as in, idiots actually bathing themselves in their stench once they take their seats). This will undoubtedly set off an allergy attack that will leave people wondering why the fuck the sick guy is sitting at the movie by himself. Once I clear my sinuses by downing most of a bottle of water with my nostrils squeezed shut and hammer down a fistful of always on hand allergy and pain relievers relievers, I'm good to go again.

If I'm sick, I stay home, but if I can't breathe because people are assholes, I don't think I should be forced to leave. I've gotten people kicked out of theaters for spraying me with their bottled nature bombs. It's called justice.

Posted by: Robert at January 23, 2011 5:58 PM

I amazed how the general puplic can not simply shut up for two hours. Is it that hard not to talk for that long?
I now wear horse blinders to block out the glare from cell phones.

Posted by: rabbi at January 23, 2011 6:24 PM

God! Yes! Thank you! Geeze...

Posted by: Candee at January 23, 2011 6:30 PM

My addendum to "Respect the little people": If I am the only person in the theatre, that does not mean you need to sit in my row one or two seats away from me. You have the entire fucking theatre to choose from - go somewhere else. When people do this, the intensity of my stare rivals Superman's heat vision. Similarly, do not sit directly in front of or behind me if you have literally hundreds of other seats available to you.

Posted by: Abe Froman at January 23, 2011 6:31 PM

I'd like to formally apologize to anyone who has been in the theater when I've gone to a movie with my mother. She questions me incessantly throughout and just keeps repeating her question more loudly if I fail to answer her. I've tried tro convince her it's rude, bit she's old and does not care. Drives. Me. Crazy.

Posted by: McSquish at January 23, 2011 7:05 PM

Wow, you self important people with your contrived and largely made up offenses really make me want to, well, just admonish you in an internet comment thread I guess. But your whining is annoying enough to make each of or oppressors sympathetic.

Posted by: really at January 23, 2011 7:44 PM

Mr. Stardust is fond of saying, "The only problem with seeing a movie in our town is watching a movie with the people in our town."

I think we'll buy some adspace in the theater and post these rules.

Posted by: stardust at January 23, 2011 7:51 PM

While I can appreciate the rules about tall people (don't wear a hat, idiot!), I am tall myself (6'5"). And this may be surprising, but I can't remove a section of my torso when I head to the old cineplex.

I do, however, get there early enough to find a seat I like, which means, I expect that if someone sits behind me, they know what they are in for. And, if someone sits in front of me, they are not going to be able to lean back very much.

Which gets to my rule. Alright, douche. You sat in front of tall guy in a not-crowded movie theater. Then you want to lean allllll the way back to where my knees live. I WILL bump your seat incessantly until your midget ass either decides he wants to fight the giant behind him or chooses to not make eye-contact and find a new seat once removed from the exact center of the theater.

Posted by: Vince Noir at January 23, 2011 8:09 PM

I just got back from seeing "Tron: Legacy" at the IMAX and I have to make an addendum to the last rule. I have a cough right now, but I didn't want to miss the movie on the really big screen, and I didn't want to be "that person" who pisses off the rest of the audience, so I made sure to take my cough medicine right before the movie. I didn't cough once. And, to be honest? It totally made the 3-D waaaaay more enjoyable.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at January 23, 2011 8:17 PM

@SittingPat:
Yet and still, some of us of darker complexion are working intently at reining it in. I only talk back to the screen anymore if the film I'm watching is Shakespearean, and that's because I know the whole play already. The people in the theater don't need to hear my particular dialogue, and damn it, the people in the movie refuse to listen to me.

Posted by: Jerry at January 23, 2011 8:32 PM

In choosing between being in a theater with teenagers or small children I will, hands down, always choose small children. All day.

There is something about teenagers in movies that not only make me feel old but they also make want to punch something fluffy and adorable and good-smelling. They inflict a rage in me like no other. Especially if there are 12 of them and they are all wearing Hollister or something equally as generic and mass produced so everyone looks the same. The same hopeless un-motivated idiot that I try and convince myself I never was.

I get all stabby just picturing all the belts and half-untucked shirts and ass-hattery...what were we talking about???

Posted by: staceygarrett at January 23, 2011 8:40 PM

Does anyone else just want to build one movie theater for people who are actually there to watch (appreciate may be too strong of a word; I saw Season of the Witch. I'm not ashamed. I will see anything will Ron Perlman's Giant Caveman Forehead.) the movie, and one for the people who are just there to kill time or whatever and don't really mind all the fuckery?

I'm not even saying I'd never go to the second type. Sometimes (Season of the Witch) I want to get baked and cackle at the retardery on the screen. But most of the time, if I've actually paid the $10-$15 to watch this thing, I want to be able to WATCH it. As in, focus on the movie with all of my attention, not get so wrapped up in planning horrible deaths involving hungry badgers for everyone around me that I don't even remember the movie.

Posted by: littlelion at January 23, 2011 8:59 PM

I think you should amend the seating rule. It should also that unless absolutely necessary, you shouldn't chose the seat exactly in front of someone.

I mean it in the sense that I show up to a movie early enough to that it mostly empty, and then next few groups that walk in always sit either in front or behind me despite there being a 80 percent empty theater to chose from. I suppose it goes back to the instinct to herd ourselves together.

It's like using the mens public restroom. When you approach the urinals, you should always leave a space between you and the next guy.

And, if you are stuck in the unfortunate scenario when you are tall and are forced to block a few, do your best to sit low. Last movie I went to the guy in front acted like he had a rod running the length of his torso, rendering him unable to slouch or relax.


Posted by: Some Guy at January 23, 2011 11:19 PM

shut up, volume IV: if your laugh is so loud it can be heard in the hallway outside the theater, that's too goddamn loud. learn how to chuckle quietly, because if you're sitting anywhere near me i will punch you in the neck to shut you up.

when i went to see avatar, there was a woman on the other side of the theater that brayed like a fucking donkey more than a few times throughout the movie. i don't know if her friend was cracking jokes or maybe in her mind avatar was a comedy, but by the end of the movie i was ready to go find her to commence neck punching. my boyfriend talked me out of it.

Posted by: carolyn at January 23, 2011 11:23 PM

@sittingpat: one of the best moviegoing experiences I ever had was seeing "Mommy Dearest" in a theater full of "darker complected" folks. There is a time and a place for audience commentary and that movie totally fit the bill.
Otherwise, shut the fuck up!

Posted by: trixie at January 23, 2011 11:31 PM

Y'know, someday when I win the Mega lottery and have all the money I will ever need, I'm going to buy out every seat in a theater on opening night. Then I'm going to invite 500 complete strangers to join me in the theater. And finally about 2 minutes before the picture starts I'm going to send in 30 guys in riot gear and billy clubs to throw them all the fuck out. Afterward I'm going to enjoy an empty theater with no assholes in it save for me.

Now I know some of you are wondering if it wouldn't just be easier just to build my own ultimate home movie theater. And you'd be right. Except after many years of getting nothing but grief going to the movies, I thought I'd pay it forward. It's a petty dream of mine, but goddammit, after putting up with the world's uncivil shitheads (and paying money to do so) all these years it's one I gladly hold fast to.

Besides, tell me none of you have never had the urge to stand up in a theater and yell "GET OUT!!!" to some disruptive chuzzelwit or another.

Posted by: bleujayone at January 23, 2011 11:39 PM

I'm all for bringing in outside food, but when people start snacking on anything eye-wateringly pungent, I have to force myself not to stab them repeatedly in the throat with their Tupperware utensils.

Clapping after a movie - you do know the on-screen actors can't hear you, right?

I like viewing the end credits. Sometimes there's a hidden gem, or I've been racking my brains throughout the film trying to work out which character actor played the irascible chief of police. It takes two minutes - no need to hustle me out of the place like a common hooligan.

I'd pay extra for special stirrups that allowed me to put my feet up on the seat in front of me.

Posted by: Xiufetish at January 23, 2011 11:49 PM

This article has validated my call for allowing vuvazula's into theatres....if you find yourself in any of the situations described, a quick blast from the vuvazula into the face of the offending patron should do the trick.

Posted by: anthony at January 24, 2011 12:03 AM

I've largely given up on going to the regular movies. I'll only go to the big chains if I really desperately want to watch something immediately, and that only happens about once every couple of years. Otherwise, I'd rather wait a month or so for the movie to come to our $1 theater, then go watch it at 4pm on a Tuesday, when it's only 75 cents and there is no one around, ever. Because I just cannot stand people.

My biggest annoyance, when I do go to the big cinema: don't fucking bring your children to anything other than a children's movie. I know you just had a baby and you probably just want to get away, but I'm sorry, a LOUD movie theater is NOT THE PLACE TO BRING YOUR INFANT CHILD. They will wake up, they will cry, and you will look like a horrible parent. PLEASE don't do that.

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 24, 2011 12:42 AM

And oh, God, teenagers. I want to kill all of them.

Posted by: Figgy "Bagels" Figarelli at January 24, 2011 12:45 AM

1. Stop kicking my seat.
2. Stop texting. That damn light is obnoxious.
3. Seriously, stop kicking my seat!
4. If I turn my head and see your shoe right beside my ear, I swear I'm going to twist it the wrong way round just because I can. And possibly steal said shoe.

Posted by: dahlia6 at January 24, 2011 1:19 AM

By and large I agree with all the rules set forth here, but I do think their need to be come recognized exceptions to the noise rules.

1. If you are seeing a horror movie in a ghetto theater expect running commentary, people shouting at the screen, and even people throwing things. It makes the experience so much better.

2. Opening nights for action or scifi should have lots of shouting and whooping. Nothing makes a cinema going experience better then the group atmosphere in which everyone is shouting, rooting for, and laughing at the same thing.

3. If one has a particularly important question ask it quietly, get your answer, and then shut the fuck up.

Those are the only exceptions I can think of, and I will admit that number three is tenuous at best.

Posted by: Morgan LaFai at January 24, 2011 1:58 AM

anthony, that is an absolutely fantastic idea.

I can definitely identify with all the people complaining about teenagers, but I am pleased to say they are not all like that. I went to see Up with my family, and a group of five or so typical-looking teens came in just before the previews. I was dreading the next hour an a half, but they were incredibly well-behaved. They laughed at the right parts, were dead silent at the right parts, and I'm pretty sure some of the boys sniffled at the first few minutes. I was astounded, and my faith in today's youth was temporarily restored.

Posted by: Shibuyama at January 24, 2011 2:52 AM

I've basically given up on going to movie theaters for most of the reasons you listed. The ones in town absolutely suck, and I've found I can't stand being confined with the general (unwashed) public. I'd rather wait a few months and watch it at home and not deal with all the fucknuttery that goes into the theater experience. Not to mention the movies I would actually be willing to pay for are getting few and far between.

I used to love going to the movie theater and used to hit at least 1-2 per week. But the audiences have absolutely gotten worse. Constant texting, talking, rustling, etc...it's just not worth it for the price. In my opinion home theater, HDTV, and Blu Ray are the greatest inventions in decades.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 24, 2011 6:34 AM

Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo made up a Cinema Code of Conduct that you can print out, laminate and hand out to the patrons of your local multiplex. It is a flawless list. Though they do note that none of these rules apply when attending the screening of a Bollywood movie.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00lvdrj

Posted by: captainfireypants at January 24, 2011 9:01 AM

One of my resolutions/43 things is to stand up to annoying moviegoers. And I don't mean a passive aggressive turn-around or indirect shush. I mean stand up and say something. Funnily enough, I haven't had the chance yet. I stopped going to movie theaters long ago and I'm sure you can guess why.

Posted by: Poptart at January 24, 2011 9:27 AM

Exception: kid's movies. I occasionally take my nephew to a kid's movie and don't think the same rules apply there. I mean it's a theater full of children, after all; they can't be held to the same standards. As for the adults accompanying them, they're taking a kid to a movie which is hard enough as it is.

Posted by: Poptart at January 24, 2011 9:30 AM

PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU WHEN YOU TEXT.

For the love of god. That little flashing beacon of screen is distracting as hell. Yes, they aren't yabbing away, but they're shining a light right in my eye, and I can see it from rows and rows away. It makes me Hulksplode.

Posted by: linny at January 24, 2011 10:22 AM

This is why Mr. Knees and I stick to the budget theater for the most part. $2 ticket, $4 soda, bring our own whiskey and enjoy the emptiness.

The one thing that kills me most is the sound of people chewing. During all the quiet moments it's like listening to a pack of wolves. Hundreds of people scarfng popcorn...gives me dry heaves.

Posted by: the bees knees at January 24, 2011 10:32 AM

I will never stop eating at the movies. Those little pizzas, gummi candy, a big soft pretzel. All of these things are delicious and enhance my movie going experience. I would suggest that it is, in fact, you who are the problem if you don't like people eating there. They sell all that food for a reason and the reason is that it is appropriate and encouraged for you to buy and ingest it.

Also, I understand being annoyed if someone is repeatedly up and down during the movie but I can't say as I've noticed a problem with someone getting up and going to the bathroom. The person has to use the bathroom, that's not rude, it's nature. Sometimes I think the people saying "this is not your living room" need to step back and listen to their own sentiments. If you go see a movie in public then *gasp*, the public is going to be there.

Posted by: becks at January 24, 2011 10:51 AM

with no fear of being molested by the manager

This is your dig against priests, I take it. How clever. But more than clever, how fresh.

There is a reason people like you write things like this only in fora like these to assemblies like the present gathered, this self-satisfied, self-congratulatory, ever-replicating herd of self-designated "Eloquents." That is, the internet has removed every publishing barrier to entry, save a dial-up connection and the most simple, functioning literacy. Perhaps hunt-and-peck typing skills too.

Without humility you are flat-out bad at life. If you write for a website that defines itself against humility ("Scathing reviews, bitchy people"), then you'd better have some seriously undeniable talent in your bag of tricks. You have none. You are a vanilla cone writing for a vat of vanilla ice cream.

Amateur misanthropes and shut-ins have never had an easier time finding themselves and (ironically) uniting under their antisocial dyspepsia than on sites like these. It is therefore no coincidence you have lost the ability to interact civilly in public places like movie theaters, even in such cathedrals you earnestly claim for the "sacred."

In sum: get out more. Don't save your Loughnerian critique of the universe for closed-curtain spleen-vents like Pajiba and Huffington Post comboxes. Learn to live with the foibles of men. That's what we're busy actually doing in actual sacred places on Sundays. (Look up the etymology of the word "communion.") If you could drop your tired MTV-latch-key-kid pretenses, you'd have a chance to see what's smacking you in the face. "I love humanity, it's people I can't stand" is so very 20th century. So very divorced-parents stunted-runt trying too hard to play grown up.

While you have the dictionary out, find metanoia. Look into it. Until then, stop affixing the word "scathing" to milkwater like the article above. Your confused, childish tantrums give true misanthropy a bad name.

Posted by: King at January 24, 2011 6:51 PM

I always wondered what what happen if you enrolled a troll into charm school and gave him a thesaurus.

One more mystery solved.

Posted by: bleujayone at January 24, 2011 8:27 PM

'Before the feature starts, open your candy'

This is an unacceptable appeasement. No food whatsoever in the cinema.

Furthermore, do not jizz on the back of my seat.

Posted by: zeke the pig at January 25, 2011 8:15 AM

Has that happened Zeke? Because I would have guessed that didn't need to be outlined in a set of rules...


King's pretentious rant about being pretentious actually has parts that make sense, but it's still eye roll inducing. I agree with most of these complaints, but we can't avoid that saying them out loud makes us look like assholes.

Posted by: e at January 25, 2011 1:27 PM