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Get Away! Santa's on the Loose!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (42)

santslay.jpg

There’s nothing particularly good to report this afternoon, so how about we make fun of dumb people — Christmas Edition!.

Here are two trailers for obscure Santa movies, both of which look kind of awesome in drink-til-you-puke elves sort of way. The first is Santa’s Slay, a 2005 film (with Chris Kattan!), which is premised on the fact that Santa is actually a demon who lost a bet with an Angel, and is forced to become Santa … until the bet ends, at which point Santa turns into a nasty former wrestler trying to pay his mortgage.

Here’s the trailer followed by a few YouTube comments, for flavor:


— HAHAHA I REMEBER DIS MOVIE!!! its funnier den hell!!!

— SANTA IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT

— this movie is LMFAO!! my fave part it when the boy shines a laser flashlight in santa’s eye and santa yells “IM SANTA CLAUS!!! NOT F***ING DRACULA!!!!”


The other trailer is for Santa’s Stalker, a faux documentary (narrated by William Shatner) about a man who tries to prove the existence of Santa Claus. It’s almost compelling.

— THIS MOVIE WAS SOO DUMB!!! ALL THEY DID WAS SIT IN A CHAIR AND SHOW THREE CLIPS Of sANTA WALKING WASte OF MONEY!!

— omg u guys are fuckin stupid do u rly think santa exist!! OMG fuck brainwashed!! stpid twat! homos

— Same here lol i saw him when I was years old and i know my parents were asleep. I’ve believed since then. Lets just say it was ultimate timing waking up when he came.









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Comments

Santa is creepy. There, I said it.

Posted by: Lindsey with an 'e' at December 9, 2009 5:05 PM

Santa's Slay is AMAZING when you're drunk. I watched it on Thanksgiving this year with my siblings, brother-in-law, and roommate. My mom lasted about 2 minutes, after which she exclaimed "Jesus Mary and JOSEPH!!" and went to her room to watch Mamma Mia. Heeee.

Posted by: Julie at December 9, 2009 5:10 PM

The chick from Lost is in Santa's Slay. So is Sonny from the Godfather. Sonny gets brutally murdered in the first scene and the chick from Lost is the female lead. It's worth a look.

Get drunk. Trust in me.

Posted by: superasente at December 9, 2009 5:13 PM

That's because Santa is Satan with a typo.

Posted by: BWeaves at December 9, 2009 5:14 PM

We watched frankenhooker at my parents house last year for christmas......will have to try santa's slay this year.

Posted by: Nunzio Badalamenti at December 9, 2009 5:26 PM

Santa turns into a nasty former wrestler trying to pay his mortgage.

WHY AM I JUST NOW FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS!!

"Ho Ho, Hoes!" Instant Classic!!!

Posted by: ashes at December 9, 2009 5:28 PM

Second one is a rip-off of that terrible 1996 documentary 'Project Grizzly' in which some guy sets out with a giant robot in hopes of proving the existance of Grizzly bears.

Posted by: Adventureman at December 9, 2009 5:34 PM

Also, this:

"omg u guys are fuckin stupid do u rly think santa exist!! OMG fuck brainwashed!! stpid twat! homos"


Really???

Posted by: ashes at December 9, 2009 5:34 PM

Now those are some quality trailers. They know what their movies are, not trying to hide it...you've got to love that. God I bet they had fun making those. Also William Shatner as a voice-over = GOLD! I bet he had one eyebrow arched throughout that whole speech.

Posted by: Mona at December 9, 2009 5:35 PM

I just dropped in to say that I saw a commercial where Britney Spears got shot with an arrow labeled "MAGIC LOVE ARROW". Said commercial is obviously more stupid than either of these movies.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at December 9, 2009 5:37 PM

Why don't they make more Christmas movies like these? Santa Slay looks great, especially to drink to.

Posted by: barf at December 9, 2009 5:53 PM

I can't actually see the vids at the moment (stupid work filters), but I've decided that all my conversations must involve "is the fucking juggernaut" from now on.

For example, at dinner: "This pasta IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT."

At work: "This meeting IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT."

In bed: "Your penis IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT."

And so on.

Posted by: redhead at December 9, 2009 5:54 PM

Adventureman... You made grammatical sense this time! Welcome to planet earth!

Posted by: logar at December 9, 2009 5:55 PM

Goldberg as Santa?! My inner white trash just yee-haw'd with drunken glee.

Posted by: duckandcover at December 9, 2009 5:56 PM

Haaaaaaa. That first one looks excellent. I think I have to see it.

Posted by: Gabs at December 9, 2009 5:57 PM

This comment thread IS THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT.

*ahem* Just putting that out there... cause IM THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT (bitch).

Posted by: the_wakeful at December 9, 2009 6:04 PM

Oh your God! Adventureman just blew my mind! That was a real sentence with no instance of the word "want." I'm done for the day.

Posted by: Peanut_Butter_And_James at December 9, 2009 6:06 PM

Thank you duckandcover, can people not say his name?

Bill Goldberg.

Bill "Motherfucking" Goldberg.

Bill "I will eat you goddamn first born" Goldberg.

Bill "I will fuck your wife until you bleed" Golberg.

That man is awesome.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 9, 2009 6:09 PM

See, I got so upset I even spelled his name wrong on the last one!

Posted by: DeistBrawler at December 9, 2009 6:12 PM

Three-nineteen is it a plunger arrow? That commercial blew my mind the first time I saw it (around this time last year). It's all pseudo-fantasy woods and shit and suddenly - plunger arrow! I think whoever shot it was playing a joke on poor Brittany.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at December 9, 2009 6:15 PM

Glad I could blow your minds logar and PBaJ. I suffer from a severe form of dyslexia called Idiosyncratic Dysnemkinesia. As a result of being born a schizophrenic, my disease is not always apparent in my writing although I can assure you that decide even go want the Universe can without elegance overlap.

Posted by: Adventureman at December 9, 2009 6:18 PM

So your schizophrenia actually helps your dysnemkinesia? Mind blown, again.

True story- my great-grandfather was named Jebidiah "Tony" Dysnemkinesia. It's unclear whether the disease was named after him, but I'll tell you one thing- he made one hell of a swedish meatball.

Keep up the good work, Adventureman.

Posted by: logar at December 9, 2009 6:35 PM

OK, guys, THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT has been around forever. It's been a respected catchphrase throughout history. Don't you remember...

-"Macbeth, Macbeth, beware, Macduff, beware THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT"

-"In 1966, Andy Dufresne escaped from Shawshank prison. All they found of him was a muddy set of prison clothes, a bar of soap, and THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT"

-[on signs] "But for now, let me say, without hope or agenda,just because it's Christmas (and at Christmas you tell the truth) To me, you are THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT"

and, of course,
-“I shall call him THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT. And he shall be mine. And he shall be MY FUCKING JUGGERNAUT.”

Posted by: esme at December 9, 2009 7:09 PM

Adventureman may be constructing complete sentences, but I'd guess his second post explains why the "Project Grizzly" he watched doesn't have anything to do with the real movie (which is about a Canadian who has an encounter with a grizzly and subsequently devotes his life to constructing a bear-proof suit-of-armor). It's pretty tits-on-bacon awesome.

Posted by: Soylent Green is Sheeple at December 9, 2009 7:30 PM

True story- my great-grandfather was named Jebidiah "Tony" Dysnemkinesia. It's unclear whether the disease was named after him, but I'll tell you one thing- he made one hell of a swedish meatball.

Keep up the good work, Adventureman.
Posted by: logar at December 9, 2009 6:35 PM

*************************************************
Christ on a cracker logar.. that's some funny stuff there.

Posted by: legib at December 9, 2009 7:31 PM

Second one is a rip-off of that terrible 1996 documentary 'Project Grizzly' in which some guy sets out with a giant robot in hopes of proving the existance of Grizzly bears.

Posted by: Adventureman at December 9, 2009 5:34 PM
************************************************
I know we're supposed to be excited that you made grammatical sense in this post Mr. Adventureman, but technically this is a documentary about a man who made a "grizzly-proof" suit of armor so he can observe grizzly bears from a close distance. Not, as you said, so he can prove the existence of Grizzly Bears. Last I checked, we're all pretty sure they are real.

But then again, I am not you..

Posted by: legib at December 9, 2009 7:37 PM

Logar's comment just blew my mind. It's like a chain-effect.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at December 9, 2009 7:45 PM

Oh my gawd! Santa's Slay. If you want to see Fran Drescher get murdered by Santa Clause, this is for you.

Posted by: Will at December 9, 2009 7:51 PM

Okay, I just have one slightly off-topic question upon seeing Father Chistmas himself being played by Bill Goldberg, albeit in a skewed vision.

Why is it Jesus never seems to have been portrayed by a Jewish actor? Seriously, he was born and raised Jewish after all. Never once have I found Mr. Of Nazareth being played by a MOTT, and this is a role that would seem to be most logical for that. I mean there were depictions of the man long before Mel Gibson came along.

What kind of a world do we live in when Santa Claus (in ANY capacity) is being played by a Jewish actor before an actual Jewish historical figure? Quite the curiosity.

Posted by: bleujayone at December 9, 2009 7:58 PM

legib you should suggest in a sarcasm meter.

Posted by: Dave at December 9, 2009 8:00 PM

Not, as you said, so he can prove the existence of Grizzly Bears. Last I checked, we're all pretty sure they are real.

Yes, you see, even though the grammar was understandable in Adventureman's post, there was STILL a headscratcher. I mean, I've never seen a Grizzly bear (that wasn't stuffed), but I am pretty sure they're real. I wonder if someone will pay me research grant money to prove the existence of, say, killer whales.

Posted by: MM at December 9, 2009 8:16 PM

That was suppose to say invest in a sarcasm meter. Adventureman's posts are slowly destroying my brain.

Posted by: Dave at December 9, 2009 8:17 PM

wait, wait...I'm sorry, y'all are under the impression that when somebody on here posts something absurd they absolutely 100% mean it? You're familiar with our beloved Skittimus Maximus and his turkey clawed siamese twin, Skittimus Minnimus, right? Just enjoy Adventureman's crazy for the entertainment value it provides people, don't demand it makes sense. That would take the fun out of it.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at December 9, 2009 8:41 PM

Actually, I sort of thought Adventureman probably was Skitz.

Posted by: MM at December 9, 2009 8:51 PM

I think Adventureman is a she, if the gail.com is any indication.

And yes, I totally googled Idiosyncratic Dysnemkinesia.

Adventureman, my friend, you are delightful and inspiring in your commitment to the crazy.

Posted by: marya at December 9, 2009 10:28 PM

esme, clearly, is THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT.

Posted by: Tammy at December 9, 2009 10:30 PM

And thus I clothe my naked villainy
With old odd ends, stol'n forth of holy writ;
And seem a saint, when most I play THE FUCKING JUGGERNAUT.

Posted by: Snath at December 10, 2009 9:53 AM

Hahahaha wasn't "Santa's Slay" this movie that the Santa in Ernest Saves Christmas flipped a shit about!?!

Posted by: grace b at December 10, 2009 10:37 AM

you can check http://trailers-watch.com anytime. We have the latest trailers for current and upcoming movies. Enjoy...

Posted by: Loron' at December 10, 2009 2:42 PM

Is it weird that I kept thinking about Futurama while watching the Santa's Slay trailer?

Posted by: MikeG at December 10, 2009 7:38 PM

I just dug out my Widescreen DVD of Santa's Slay and rewatched it with the cast and crew commentary, just to spite you all! I love this film.

Posted by: Adam C at December 10, 2009 11:48 PM

Oh, come on, how is it that no-one's mentioned Rare Exports Inc. yet? Here, I'll help you all out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc8HU-isRUw

Posted by: Hakobus at December 12, 2009 9:00 AM