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(*Spoiler Warning*)

Fuck off… / Seth Freilich

Miscellaneous | March 6, 2009 | Comments (64)


Earlier this week, I posted a blurb on the fact that ABC was canceling “Life on Mars,” its reboot of the same-titled British show. In passing, I made mention to how “the mystery” of the British show was resolved, with a spoiler warning. Some folks complained that I did not give enough of a spoiler warning. Fair point, insofar as the spoiler warning was only mere words before the spoil.

However, the show ended in April of 2007, almost two years ago.

Anyone who reads my columns regularly (back when I had the time to do regular columns, that is), knows that I generally tend to go out of my way to give spoiler warnings since so many people wait for shows to come out on DVD (the peeps I dubbed the DVD Folks). However, this shit can only go so far, people. Take “The Sopranos” for example (*mother fucking spoiler warning*). The day after the series finale aired, there were a ton of media outlets commenting on and satirizing the show’s sudden cut-to-black. Shit, even Olbermann commented on it on “Countdown.” Years later, do I still have to give the spoiler warning I just gave, because some of you may not have caught the show’s end yet? How far does this go?

I mean, am I going to get mad heat because I didn’t lay down a spoiler warning before telling you that in the 1967 series finale of “The Fugitive,” Lt. Gerard kills the one-armed man and Dr. Richard Kimble is exonerated? Didja see the last episode of “Six Feet Under?” Everyone dies. Dr. Sam Beckett never returned home. Newhart woke up and revealed that the Vermont town was a dream. St. Elswhere may have been a product of autistic Tommy Wewstphall’s imagination. Cole sees dead people, and Bruce Willis is one of them. Dil has a penis.

Stop the fucking madness, people, and take responsibility into your own hands. I watch plenty of shows on delay. Sometimes it’s just a day or two later, sometimes months or years later. If I truly don’t want to be spoiled, I avoid anything that appears to be referencing the show until (a) I’m all caught up or (b) I don’t care anymore. Am I sometimes spoiled anyway? Yes. Shit — I haven’t seen the British “Life on Mars” yet, but already know why Sam’s in the 70s. And I’ll still get around to watching the show one day. And aside from reality show outcomes, I’ve only been hit with a true spoiler I didn’t want to know about once, and it wasn’t even a TV show (it was who killed who at the end of “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”). And while I was a little sad about knowing this ahead of time, I didn’t lay blame because I was reading the book two years after it had been released. These things happen.

If you’re behind on something, particularly something that is or becomes part of the pop culture, it’s your responsibility to try to avoid spoilers. Not caught up on “Lost” yet? Don’t read Dan’s latest recap. Waiting for “24” to come out on DVD so you can watch it in one fell swoop? Don’t bother. Seriously. But if you are going to bother, don’t read news blurbs about the show while it’s airing. And yeah, I understand that my “Life on Mars” news blurb was about the ABC version, not the British one but, newsflash, when talking about a remake, an article may mention something about the original.

The advent of TV on DVD and DVRs and BitTorrent is a great thing. But with the ability to timeshift, so too comes the burden of spoilers. It’s something we have to bear. Such is life.

Oh, and the Korean War ended in the last episode of “M*A*S*H.”


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Comments

Yeah! Suck it you babies!

Posted by: greer at March 6, 2009 11:32 AM

Normally I'm not one to complain about any Pajiba article and I wholly agree with your stance, Seth... But was this really necessary?

I know there was backlash when the Life on Mars spoiler was posted, but I think a couple of sentences on spoiler warnings would have sufficed, rather than a drawn out rant.

Posted by: Edie at March 6, 2009 11:33 AM

Whoa, Mark... sorry Seth, I deleted that first comment. No spoiling movies that haven't come out yet, even if it's based on a comic released 14 years ago.

Posted by: TK at March 6, 2009 11:34 AM

Sure buddy, the war is over, and I suppose the aliens in V are really horrific repliles bent on the enslavement of humanity and the harvesting of earths resources. They just want to tbe friends, deal.

*Patiently waits for anti-Freilich backlash*

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 11:34 AM

Word. Now that I have DVR I am careful to avoid spoilers, but sometimes I either slip up or can't help myself. And I take responsibility for it.

Posted by: Alli at March 6, 2009 11:34 AM

THANK YOU! Jeebus H., people, get the fuck over it! For the most part, everyone already knows all the good spoilers anyways, stop fucking complaining about them!

Posted by: Jeremy Feist at March 6, 2009 11:43 AM

Seriously. I accidentally found out who killed Laura Palmer before I got a chance to start the second season of Twin Peaks, but somehow I managed not to tear my garments and pull my hair. The show was years ago. So it goes.

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 11:44 AM

I know there was backlash when the Life on Mars spoiler was posted, but I think a couple of sentences on spoiler warnings would have sufficed, rather than a drawn out rant.

A couple simple sentences...instead of a drawn out rant?! Ma'am, do you know where you are? Allow me to clarify:

THIS...IS...PAJIBA!

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 11:45 AM

What the hell do you mean don't bother with 24??? Sure there have been some tragic misteps (cougars, Kim, amnesia, etc) but the show is flipping great and somehow comes out on top. Well, except for the tragic Day 6. But then it was revealed that entire season had been written by manatees and the aquatic mammals in question were rounded up and shot.

Hence the current asskickery of Day 7 which has to be written by a super-computer from the future to include this much awesome in each hour of television. Kneel before Bauer, bitches!

Mike R.: You want to chime in here?

Posted by: TylerDFC at March 6, 2009 11:53 AM

bless you, seth. you always say what we're all thinking.

Posted by: ironypants at March 6, 2009 11:54 AM

First of all, Seth, I agree with everything you say here...and I'm currently trying desperately to prevent myself from being spoiled by Wire reveals. (I'm on Season 2.) It's an old show; it ended some time ago; therefore avoiding spoilers is MY responsibility.

Second, because you haven't ever seen the BBC Life On Mars you obviously do not realize that, as I pointed out, the plot point you revealed IS NOT A SPOILER. (Is that emphatic enough?) So anyone/everyone who ragged on you for that? Can suck it.

Sheee.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 12:00 PM

But Jerce:

What is it?

Posted by: admin at March 6, 2009 12:01 PM

SPOILER ALERT!!

I shot the Sheriff... but I didn't shoot the Deputy.

END SPOILER...

Posted by: antietam at March 6, 2009 12:03 PM

Want some cheese with that whine, sunshine?

Simple answer - if it's not a spoiler, don't post a spoiler warning. I have been waiting for this thing to come out on Region 1 DVD ever since I saw one episode when I was in the UK two years ago. So I know it's all my fault for not immediately buying a multi-region DVD player, but if you post that crappy of a spoiler warning, that may be the only show I will ever complain on. Glad to see it was the one that pushed you over the edge. Shee-it.

Posted by: Anne (in Reno) at March 6, 2009 12:04 PM

How about if you are that worried about a spoiler, don't read the column about the show you don't want spoiled? I mean, if it's that serious an issue for you...

Posted by: Cindy at March 6, 2009 12:11 PM

Hahah! Amen, Seth. I fully agree. The only time I was ever pissed about a spoiler was when the pseudo-Mr., based on advertisements, figured out the twist of Sixth Sense and ruined it for me before I got a chance to see it. Seriously. A commercial. I was pretty pissed about that at the time. I believe I called him "jerkwad" for several days after.

But, in general, you know what? It's a TV show. Or a movie. I'm still going to watch it, and I'm still going to enjoy it if it's enjoyable. (In the case of the aforementioned, I tried to view it as though I didn't know, and figure out where I would have gotten it; it was the restaurant scene. I still enjoyed the film.) It's not about the destination, it's about the journey, or some such cheese.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at March 6, 2009 12:24 PM

I don't mind the spoilers, they don't really spoil anything for me (I guess I'm one of those "all about the journey" people). Plus, I enjoy lording the knowledge over Mr. Peachfish, who likes to guess out loud about things as we watch them. He knows I know, He knows I won't tell him, and I sort of think he doesn't really want me to tell him anyway. He just likes to make his guesses while I make non-commital noises. Yeah, we're a little odd.

Posted by: peachfish at March 6, 2009 12:34 PM

I honestly don't see why anyone complained, for all of the reasons listed by Seth... AND BECAUSE THE WORDS "SPOILER WARNING" WERE ACTUALLY PUT IN FRONT OF THE "SPOILER".

Jesus folks, just stop reading as soon as you hit "spoiler warning." It's not like you're trying to stop an El Camino careening down a highway with it's breaks cut -- you're READING. You really can stop on a word. It's true!

Posted by: PaleoLithchick at March 6, 2009 12:36 PM

I've ruined for myself everything I possibly could, on pretty much any show or movie. I just can't help it, I need the instant gratification of knowing now. Battlestar Galactica is the most recent thing I can think of. I'm up to date on the current plot, but I've only watched through the end of season three. I'm a magnificent bastard to myself, that's for sure.

Right on with this post, though. I think people that are reading anything to do with something they don't want to get spoiled on are just fooling themselves. They really want to know, but have to pretend that someone else ruined everything for them when they just happened to read too far.

When all is said and done, though, it's just a show/movie/book. Get over it!

Posted by: Snath at March 6, 2009 12:46 PM

I'm big on spoilers, but only when they spoil something that HASN'T HAPPENED YET. For example, I tend to stay away from stories that tell you what's coming up next on Lost, because the thrill of the show is not knowing what's gonna happen. About shows that have already been aired, specially MONTHS or YEARS before, fuck it, there's nothing I can do about it but try hard to stay away from spoilers. But really, you can't complain about something that people are going to be discussing AT LENGTH after it happened.

If you really don't want to be spoiled as to, say, who died on Lost in season 2, then fucking stay away from the internet. I'm not gonna watch myself every second posting SPOILER WARNING when people aren't even gonna listen. Stay the hell away from the posts that talk about the show, you moron.

Posted by: figgy at March 6, 2009 12:57 PM

Ugh, GREAT, thanks for ruining M*A*S*H for me. Asshole.

Posted by: Sabrina at March 6, 2009 1:04 PM

Now i have dil's dick in my head. The only thing spoiled is my lunch.

Posted by: gp at March 6, 2009 1:09 PM

Trinity dies at the end of The Matrix movies. No punchline here, just wanted to ruin the ending.

-Maddox, creator and writer of The Best Page in the Universe

Posted by: George at March 6, 2009 1:16 PM

I say if a piece of entertainment has to surprise you to be entertaining then it wasn't too worthwhile in the first place. That's one of the things that impressed me about the first season of Dexter. They blew the big secret about halfway through but they still made it engaging. The element of surprise isn't a substitute for intelligence and craft.

Posted by: Eep at March 6, 2009 1:21 PM

It was Laura Palmers Dad!

Posted by: Defs at March 6, 2009 1:32 PM

Don't ruin the ending of Sleepaway Camp!

Posted by: Bucko at March 6, 2009 1:42 PM

Thanks TylerDFC, but I believe Mr. Rowles was talking about don't bother with any recaps. Which brings me to the subject of the lack of 24 recaps on this website. C'mon, even Ain't It Cool has weekly recaps, and you're better than them. (I'd even be willing to write them, should no one else on staff have the required 24 prowess.) What is 24 not good enough for the Pajiba set? Honestly, you ran a column about NCIS, Paris Hilton's name gets thrown around her like her vag, and somehow 24 is seen as nothing more than fucknuttery?

24 IS important, goddamnit! What are you going to do, watch Heroes? I've said it before, and I'll say it again...I only watched the Pilot and that was enough to make me realize it was a steaming pile. I'm sorry to those who needed two seasons to find that out. Lost? I've never seen an episode before, but I've heard that the show has pretty much lived up to its name. 24, even with it's flaws and missteps, is one of the best shows on TV. (House is the only show I can think of that tops it. I'm a loyal 24 fan, but House has been consistently good all four seasons. It's science.)

Back to 24, Season 6 was the only true atrocity, and even then it may be remembered more fondly once time passes. (Remember Season 3? That was the last atrocity against fans, and somehow it doesn't seem that bad anymore.) Season 7 did have a slow opening, I'll give it that. (Even Season 6 started off nice and spicy like with the surprise nuke.) But the post strike episodes have been making the show more and more watchable like the 24's of old.

It's still a good show, it still matters, and frankly if you can parade Eliza Dushku's half naked ass up and down this place while throwing rose pedals at Joss Whedon, then surely there's room for Jack Bauer to cap a bitch around here. Spread the gospel of the Bauerists, and blessings to we who are about to witness the asskickings for which we are eternally greatful this season. A-FUCKING-MEN!

/crazed rant fueled by the heat in this building

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 1:46 PM

I love the torrent of spoilers coming through here. If I may...

- SpyDaddy blows up the District Attorney of L.A. all spicy like.
- It's the sled!
- They ALL murdered someone!
- IT WAS EARTH! (Don't date robots!)
- They die in the end.
- It was all a dream.
- Justice Wargrave...right before he killed himself.
- David Gale set himself up to be executed so that way he would teach the system the ultimate lesson.
- The Squid stays in the picture. (Just kidding.)
- Conan's hosting the Tonight Show.
- He lives, has children, and never has to fight evil on the same scale again.
- HE DIES A BABY!
- NIXON'S BAAAACK!
- He dies in the freezing cold ocean. She kills herself via the abortion. They make another film together after 10 years, and it sucks to high heaven.
- "...and they lived happily ever after."
- 42

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 1:58 PM

When I was a kid, I'd purposely read the last page of whatever book I was reading so that I wouldn't rush through the whole thing just to find out what happened at the end.

Posted by: Lindsay at March 6, 2009 2:22 PM

Seth, I agree with you. The rant was needed.

I personally always read the last page of a novel first, and sometimes back up and read the entire last chapter first.

It drives darling hubby crazy, but he doesn't have to read over my shoulder. I like to know where the story is going and how it gets there.
So many times I get to the end of a book and feel let down. For some reason, I don't feel that way when I read the ending first.

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at March 6, 2009 2:27 PM

Ouch...I mistook Seth for Dustin in my little rant. I get it...I'm fired, kiss the ring on the way out.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 2:50 PM

Yeah, to be fair, BBC Life on Mars made it pretty clear in the first two episodes that Sam is in a coma. It's not so much a spoiler as:

"O, so that's how they ended it."

Whatever. Whiny bitches.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 6, 2009 2:51 PM

Anna: I also figured out the "twist" in The Sixth Sense from the ads, but I thought that was just a plot point and that the twist ending was something else, that was going to be really good and twisty. I was really disappointed when I found out that they gave everything away, not only in the ads, but in the first 5 minutes of the movie when Bruce Willis is shot and killed. I mean it's so obvious it's not even funny.

Posted by: BWeaves (from a different IP address) at March 6, 2009 3:02 PM

One time in a LJ community, someone took issue with my icon, which "gave away" the fact that Dumbledore was killed at the end of Half-Blood Prince. A full year-and-a-fucking-half after the book was published.

When I told her to suck a bag of wind, she started whining about the poor, developmentally challenged children who can't read the books and are only watching the movies and what if they happened to wander by and see my icon and be spoiled, the poor dearies?

Hey, no one ever give away the ending to anything, ever. Including the works of Shakespeare. Because OF THE POOR RETARDED CHIIILDRUUUN. Also, let's foam-pad all the sharp corners and bubble-wrap all the hard surfaces in the world while we're at it.

Posted by: Sarah at March 6, 2009 3:23 PM

You want a 24 recap?

Here you go, a two-word recap of every episode since its inception:

IT SUCKED.

Posted by: TK at March 6, 2009 3:23 PM

I'm sorry TK, you must have been confused. I was pushing for a 24 recap...as in 24 the highly successful, completely devoid of (substantial) suck, show. Not Episode 24 of the "Hoover Vacuum's Cavilcade of Sucking", which was perfectly servicable this year, but left me a little short of air.

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 3:51 PM

Mike R, thanks for ruining that edumacational video in Futurama episode 47, with the internet and the Lucy Liubots.

THANKS A FUCKING LOT. Next you'll tell me they exploded because of popcorn expansion!

Posted by: Snath at March 6, 2009 3:52 PM

Snath...WHAT?! I didn't get that far in the episode! The pirated DVD I bought from eBay conked out. That's the last time I ever watch an episode of "Happy Fun Future Comedy Hour"!

Posted by: Mike R. at March 6, 2009 4:02 PM

You forgot that Darth Vader is Luke's father and Luke and Leia are twins separated when they were infants.

Hope I didn't spoil the movies for anyone.

Posted by: Slash at March 6, 2009 4:03 PM

Hmm, I don't have much to bring to this catfight, except to say that Seth's completely right for two reasons:

1. If you're talking about the BBC's "Life on Mars," he gave away nothing. You want me to really spoil it for you? No, I won't, because I'm not a dick, but I do know what happens at the end of the series, and THAT'S the spoiler. It's obvious that Sam's in a coma from episode three. They spell it out for you.

2. You're not writing the pieces. The staff does that, and it's not like they're making a mint from it. They don't owe you anything, especially editorial control. If you don't like it, don't read it. If you don't approve of what gets recapped, go to TwoP. Now piss off and quit crying in your beer.

Posted by: Nicole at March 6, 2009 4:13 PM

Before I saw "Citizen Kane" for the first time, someone told me Rosebud was the sled. Not sure if it made a difference in how I felt about the film.

However, what really bugs me is when a reviewer says a film sucks, then DOESN'T include any spoilers. In other words, if you think the movie isn't worth our time, why not describe the whole plot so we don't waste ten bucks just to satisfy our curiosity?

Posted by: flickfan at March 6, 2009 4:20 PM

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE??!!

Posted by: Julie at March 6, 2009 4:27 PM

It was actually the state police who were smuggling drugs. The state troopers get fired anyway, but then it turns out that they get hired as the new state police!

Posted by: jmag at March 6, 2009 4:56 PM

I must be abnormal, beacsue I don't believe in spoilers. I read the end of that bitch up first, y'all. If something's good, I still thouroughly enjoy the craft of the storytelling and the dialogue and lighting and camera work. It kind of doesn't matter to me to know what happens.

I still can watch Memento and be delighted with it. Must be the naked Guy Pearce.

But Run, Lola, Run? Beans. I wanted that douche Manni to die.

Posted by: Stacy D at March 6, 2009 5:44 PM

SHUT UP! Darth Vader is Luke's father?!

Posted by: gp at March 6, 2009 6:13 PM

It's worse than that, kids...Darth Vader BUILT C-3PO!! When he was a kid.

No, really.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 6:23 PM

This should be the Weekend Hijack Thread...

Dorothy had the power to get back to Kansas the whole time, but nobody told her, either because they wanted the Wicked Witch of the West out of the way and knew Dorothy would get the job done, or maybe just because everyone in Oz is a douchenozzle.

Jack Nicholson loses, John Huston wins, and Faye Dunaway gets killed.

The ruins on the beach are of the Statue of Liberty! He was on earth the whole time--in the future!

The Bride kills Bill. Her real name is Melissa.

Verbal Kint is really...No! That one I can't spoil. Never mind.

The rat gets his own restaurant, and it's a success, and the meanie food reviewer dines there regularly.

The dinosaurs take over the whole park. All the important and/or cute white characters survive, but Samuel L. Jackson gets et.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 6:43 PM

I miss all kinds of good posts when I have to work out of the office. BUTTHOLES!

Wouldn't a spoiler warning now be the most effective way to break it to your child that he/she is adopted?

If you didn't want to find out that we're not your birth parents, why did you read past the spoiler warning at the top of your birth certificate!?!

Posted by: branded at March 6, 2009 6:55 PM

Um...the Bride's name is Beatrix. Unless you spoiled a different movie.

Posted by: JakesAlterEgo at March 6, 2009 6:58 PM

Rosebud is the name of Charles Foster Kane's beloved sled.

and NOW we are finished with spoilers.

Posted by: lil_a at March 6, 2009 7:00 PM

Oh, I see that other people knew the secret of a 60 year old movie, and here I thought I was spoiling it for everyone. Poop.

What do I get for Bruce Wayne is Batman?

Posted by: lil_a at March 6, 2009 7:05 PM

Oh, Seth, by the way, I once sat in a theater to see a movie version of Hamlet, and people in the audience GASPED when he died in the last act. True story. So if a 300 year old play still has a "secret ending" for some people, you are doomed with a BBC "spoiler".

Oh, and for those of us observing Lent, Jesus gets Resurrected Easter morning. Just like last year.

Posted by: lil_a at March 6, 2009 7:18 PM

I could have sworn it was Melissa. To make up for my egregious error, here is another spoiler: Norman's mother is actually !!Norman himself!! His real mother's been a mummy in the basement for years and years. You see, Norman is...mentally ill.

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 7:33 PM

Speaking of Lent, I asked my husband what he was giving up for Lent, and he said, "Bein' Catholic." I would also have accepted "Lent."

Posted by: Jerce at March 6, 2009 7:35 PM

"- David Gale set himself up to be executed so that way he would teach the system the ultimate lesson."

There! I've proven that the death penalty is wrong!

No, you've proven that people can frame themselves for murder, regardless of the sentence they receive.

Um... Well...

Oh, just shut up and die.

Posted by: spazmodeas at March 6, 2009 7:51 PM

"Dumbledore was killed at the end of Half-Blood Prince"

Well thanks for ruining the picture for me.
Who killed him?
Snape?

Posted by: Jules at March 6, 2009 8:23 PM

Who killed him? Snape?

I believe that he was another "picking his nose with his wand" casualty.

Posted by: branded at March 6, 2009 8:52 PM

Mabel realizes that it's her dream, so she decides to give it a happy ending. Then she wakes up, and it turns out his name isn't Friedrich at all. Then they have a pirate-themed wedding http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llI2dtLL9Kk

What?

Posted by: Elfrieda at March 6, 2009 10:58 PM

And while I was a little sad about knowing this ahead of time, I didn't lay blame because I was reading the book two years after it had been released.

Whaaaaat? You didn't buy it at the midnight release, read it straight through, and finish all 607 pages exactly 8 hours and 27 minutes later?

I am awesome. And, so sad.

Posted by: Lauren at March 7, 2009 12:34 AM

So, yeah, the next time I talk about the ending to a movie that was released 10 years ago amidst all kinds of controversy - BECAUSE OF ITS ENDING- I don't want to hear any motherfuckers calling me a butt hole.

Posted by: cmoody at March 7, 2009 2:30 PM

Old Yeller gets put down at the end...

Marley dies...

The Fresh Prince kills Sam with his bare hands...

Don't ever get too attached to the movie dog.

Posted by: Che Grovera at March 7, 2009 4:58 PM

wait, norman bates was . . . PSYCHO???

Posted by: gp at March 7, 2009 6:26 PM

Jesus doesn't come back. Sorry, the Jews were right.

Posted by: hatemail at March 8, 2009 1:28 AM

*hyperventilating*

What do you mean.... Jesus doesn't come back?

Posted by: Easter Sunday at March 8, 2009 5:35 AM