The One About the Talking Pandas and the Dark Forces that Pursue Them
Query Letters I Love / Black Capricorn
Miscellaneous | September 27, 2007 | Comments (47)
Hi everyone! I can’t believe I have left the commentator box to actually write a column for this website, but here goes.
First, a little about me. I work in the industry and have been coming to Pajiba since it was first published on the web. Even though it ridicules movies I am involved with, I still own an orange Pajiba T-shirt and have to suffer the numerous questions from people who basically ask “what is a Pajiba”?
As for this column, about three years ago a website popped up on the web entitled “Query Letters I Love,” which posted query letter submissions from aspiring screenwriters for the ridicule of the Internet-going public. For those unfamiliar, a query letter is a brief written presentation to an agent or editor designed to pitch both the writer and the movie idea — they make terrific fodder for unintentional comedy.
For various reasons, the person stopped posting letters and I decided to take up the reigns and create “Query Letters I Love 2” to continue on in the fine tradition of bashing people’s ideas and dashing their hopes and dreams. Eventually, I got tired of posting letters and “retired” (the Internet has a great pension plan) until Dustin approached me with the idea of starting a column on Pajiba. How often this column will run, I have no idea, but to kick things off here are a few query letters that are some of my favorites from my QLIL2 website.
Now, remember, these are actual letters submitted by actual (aspiring) screenwriters. Feel free to rip them apart, or even making casting suggestions, in the comment’s section — think of this as a pimped-out version of a comment diversion.
And, if you have any query letters, please send them to me at this email address.
Enjoy!
I Know I Want To See Some Hot Anthropoid On Anthropoid Action
Nicolas Sniper, a pilot of flights in space, after suffering a great disappointment in love, will agree to lead a very dangerous experimental flight. Following problems on his spacecraft, he will uncontrollably speed up and will be lost in space. Our hero is found somewhere in Mars in the year 2142 due to the theory of relativity. There, he meets the male residents of the Federation of Mars living a very exciting life with female love partners who are anthropoids.
Soon, he sees into the fragile foundations of the happy — in appearance only — society and he will be forced to return back to earth where only females reside. In earth, he pretends to be a male anthropoid in order to find the truth and the reasons of the separation of two sexes. In spite that he is responsible for this separation between men and women without his knowing about it, he tries — in a desperate effort — to bring men and women back together.
I would like to submit this screenplay for your consideration and thank you in advance for your time.
Change the L to a N and you have a hit Charlie Brown!
Attn. Agent:
When Sloopy, a pretty young girl who drinks a banana smoothie most mornings, is involved in the tragic murder of her best friend, she is forced to admit her evolution and debate the worth of linear time.
Sloopy is visited by a strange man with odd powers, who attempts to explain her place in the world. She rebuffs him, and tries to return to normal life, but violence and corporate oligarchy make it difficult. She is raped and beaten, and her best friend is killed by a drug dealing doctor. She spends time in a hospital. She tries to go insane, then accidentally destroys an entire city. In the end, she must confront an all powerful cabal of the evolutionary advanced who are plotting the death of God, and decide where she stands on the issue.
And finally, our most popular query letter:
Here It Is, Feast On The Awful!
The Griffin is the story of one man’s journey of discovery and redemption, the talking pandas he must protect, and the dark forces that pursue them. A tribe of giant pandas has been elevated to sentience and genetically-engineered to perfect the science of probabilities. As a result of the experiment, the pandas see the future unfold in their dreams. These lyrical visions have turned dark and bloody; no planet is safe, no course of action ensures survival.
Yet a slender thread of hope wends through their dreams: a man will arrive, a reluctant and destructive hero, a soldier cast aside by the Empire he once served. The pandas must see beyond this man’s ragged edges and recognize the honor in his heart. They must survive long enough to unlock his true nature and start him down the hero’s path once more. Worse still, they must teach this gifted, stubborn man to trust them.
We’ve created a Dickensian universe where technology has decayed and re-evolved in interesting ways: low tech often defeats high tech. In this frontier, a soldier is best served by a good blade and the cunning to use it. Here doors are sentient, ships are impetuous, and the ability to cook a truly great meal may be more important than a platoon of Shock Troops.
Comments
Posted by: Kitty X at September 27, 2007 3:06 PM
Laugh all you want about a movie character named "Sloopy," but that was, honest to God, my mom's college roommate's name. She now resides in Comanche, Texas, where she is better known as Margaret Dudley.