I Don't Mean to be Rude, But… Oh Wait, Yes I Do
There are a lot of days I like writing Pajiba After Dark, but lately it's been getting a little rough. Seems every other column there's some jackass reminding me that I'm not providing any information that can't be found in a TV Guide (which, by the way, when are you writing those comments from, 1990? Who the fuck uses a TV Guide anymore? Isn't there a button on your remote which says "Guide" or are you still changing the channels with knobs while a radiation burn forms on your carpet?) which, duh. I mean, what information do we have on this site that can't be found somewhere else? And then last night I got one of those nutfucks while all of you were over partying on Robert's new column because why? Because he's Canadian? Like that makes him special, seems like every third one of you out there sweats Labatts while riding a moose to your job at the hockey rink after your morning cup of maple syrup and hating Quebec. Or if you're in Quebec, hating everyone else. Honestly, I know the subject matter is uninspiring. Hell, I'm the one who actually has to write about it, not leave snitty little comments about how all TV is dumb. (Real original thought there, by the way, it totally makes you look really smart and sophisticated that you don't watch TV. Or at least not American TV.) But you know what, I try. I put the late night listings in so you can see who'll be on the talk shows you're not watching, I made the times bold and for the few of you who ever look at DVD releases, I started linking back to the original reviews so you could read them in full without having to hunt them down yourselves. I've actually started watching more television so that I can have a slightly more informed opinion because God forbid I not be an expert on EVERY SINGLE SHOW I choose to make a comment about in my column because the Fact Police will come all up in here and act like I'm missing a brain lobe because my passing knowledge of a show is mildly inaccurate. What do you guys do in your spare time, by the way, tell kids Santa isn't real and not everyone gets to grow up to be an astronaut who is also a rock star and in action movies? Your lives must be so rich. In short, I hate everything. Here's tonight's damn television:
8:00 p.m.: "Hell's Kitchen" on Fox.
"History Special: Most Extreme Airports" on History. Two hour special presentation. Seriously? "Most Extreme Airports?" What, do they have lions guarding the luggage carousels?
"Losing It With Jillian" on NBC. First season finale.
"Pretty Little Liars" on ABC Family.
"Wipeout" on ABC.
9:00 p.m.: "America's Got Talent" on NBC.
"Cupcake Wars" on Food Network.
"Deadliest Catch" on Discovery.
"Downfall" on ABC.
"Gene Simmons Family Jewels" on A&E. New time slot.
"Hawthorne" on TNT.
"I'm Pregnant And..." on Health. One hour season premiere. The episode is called "May Be Having a Dwarf" so I'm guessing TLC's casting agents are going to be watching closely, just in case.
"Make It or Break It" on ABC Family.
"Warehouse 13" on SyFy.
"White Collar" on USA.
9:30 p.m.: "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" on A&E.
10:00 p.m.: "Covert Affairs" on USA.
"Deadliest Catch: Captain Phil Tribute" on Discovery. In case you wanted to cry for a bit.
"Deadliest Warrior" on Spike TV.
"Gene Simmons Family Jewels" on A&E. One hour special presentation. OK, this has been bugging me for a REALLY long time, but shouldn't it be either "Gene Simmons's Family Jewels" or "Gene Simmons: Family Jewels?" I know I don't have the world's most impeccable grammar, but this always gives me a twitch for some reason.
"Jersey Couture" on Oxygen. First season finale.
"Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List" on Bravo.
"The Little Couple" on TLC.
"Memphis Beat" on TNT.
"PBS Special: POV: El General" on PBS.
"Primetime" on ABC.
"Rescue Me" on FX.
"Teen Mom" on MTV. Second season premiere.
10:30 p.m.: "Dinner With the Band" on IFC. Second season finale. I wouldn't be mentioning this except that tonight's guest is Andrew W.K. and I hugely admire his 100% commitment to character. Dude is all Party Hard all the time and it's kind of awesome.
Late Night Listings:
"The Late Show with David Letterman" on CBS featuring Steve Carell, Selena Gomez, and Sheryl Crow.
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" on NBC featuring Zac Efron, Lior Suchard, and The Black Keys.
"Jimmy Kimmel Live" on ABC featuring Jon Hamm, J.B Smoove, Ralph Macchio, and Runner Runner.
"The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" on CBS featuring America Ferrera, Dan Riskin, and Fred MacAulay.
"Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" on NBC featuring Zach Braff, Jemaine Clement, and Crowded House.
Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty's Ventures. She understands this column may seem a little harsh so if you'd like to file a complaint, you can do so by shoving it up your ass.