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In Which I Abuse the English Language

By Genevieve Burgess | Miscellaneous | June 15, 2010 |


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Last night, I was having a conversation with commenter Ian over text message. I got a new phone a couple weeks ago, and have been waging a battle against its predictive text feature that seems intent on censoring me at every foul-mouth turn. Anyway, last night I went to type "boobs" and predictive text auto-corrected it to "noonday" and I didn't notice it before the text went out. The resulting message ended up sounding like something the saucy aunt in a Jane Austen novel would say, like "Well, the ball was going marvelously until I dropped a crumpet down my noonday and Lord Nosewhistle tried to fish it out!" so I'm now going to try and make this catch on. The ideal usage would be a kind of catch-all term for both boobs and cleavage, but adapt it to your purposes as you see fit. Because it amuses me. Here's your Tuesday night TV:

8:00 p.m.: "Jimmy Kimmel Live: Game Night" on ABC.

"Hell's Kitchen" on Fox.

"Losing It With Jillian" on NBC. New time slot.

"Pretty Little Liars" on ABC Family.

8:30 p.m.: "ABC Sports Special: NBA Countdown" on ABC.

9:00 p.m.: "America's Got Talent" on NBC.

"Cupcake Wars" on Food Network. Why must there be cupcake wars and cake bosses and challenges? Can't we just enjoy our baked goods peaceably? If cupcakes are being made, in my book, everyone wins.

"Deadliest Catch" on Discovery.

"It's Effin' Science" on G4. Series premiere. The concept of this show varies widely depending on what part of speech you choose to view "effin'" as. I mean, aside from the fact that it's not a real word.

"Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List" on Bravo. Sixth season premiere.

"One Big Happy Family" on TLC.

"NBA FInals: Game #6."

9:30 p.m.: "G4 Special: E3 2010 Life" on G4. Special presentation.

10:00 p.m.: "Ashes to Ashes" on BBCA.

"The Big Gay Sketch Show" on Logo. Third season finale.

"Deadliest Catch" on Discovery.

"Deadliest Warrior: Persian Immortal vs. Celt" on Spike TV.

"Double Exposure: A Monster With Two Heads" on Bravo. Series premiere.

"The Hills" on MTV. Ever since Heidi Montag got those plastic surgeries, her noonday is totally out of control and scares me a little. OK, a lot.

"Jersey Couture" on Oxygen.

"Law and Order: Criminal Intent" on USA.

"The Little Couple" on TLC.

"PBS Special: The New Recruits" on PBS.

Late Night Listings:

"The Late Show With David Letterman" on CBS featuring Katie Couric, Devo, and Larry Graham.

"The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" on NBC featuring Robert Pattinson, Emma Roberts, and Travie McCoy.

"Jimmy Kimmel Live" on ABC featuring Don Rickles and Ozzy Osbourne.

"The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson" on CBS featuring Ice Cube, Stan Lee, and Tig Notaro.

"Late Night With Jimmy Fallon" on NBC featuring Cedric the Entertainer, Fred Willard, and Broken Social Scene.

"The Daily Show With Jon Stewart" on Comedy Central featuring James Tabor.

"The Colbert Report" on Comedy Central featuring Dr. Carl Safina.

Intern Rusty is a Masters student at the University of Miami. You can learn more about her at Rusty's Ventures.


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