We’re not going to discuss network television today, because it’s nothing but a bunch of reruns and football, anyway. It’s gonna be all cable, all the time up in this bitch. If you don’t have cable, then I guess you’ll just have to translate a Bible from Greek to Latin or something, like the rest of the monks in the Dark Ages. Nerd. Oh, unless you’re a peasant, in which case have fun tanning hides or whatever and dying of plague.
PBS: “Antiques Roadshow.” I’m gonna take a wild guess and say that some people clean out their attics, and they find some old shit. Then they take it to a barn or warehouse or whatever, and a couple of dudes look at it and tell them if they should throw it away or not. It will be exactly the same as the other 14,000 episodes of this show, but I’m warning you right now, DO NOT START WATCHING IT. This bitch of a show will suck you in like a Sarlacc, just like what happens if you start watching “House Hunters” on HGTV and you can’t stop, even though you have no idea why. IT’S SOME KIND OF DARK MAGIC, I AM TELLING YOU.
Disney: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. I’ve seen both of the Princess Diaries movies and I also read the books back when I managed a book store, and so I get the storylines confused all the time and can’t remember which stuff did or didn’t happen in the movies, or in which movie specific things happen. I don’t think this is the one where Mia gets photographed naked in a tent by paparazzi. I’m pretty sure this is the one where Mia gets photographed by the paparazzi sleeping with a dude who is not her fiancé. That Mia was kind of a slut, when you stop and think about it.
National Geographic Channel: “The Dog Whisperer”. I fucking can’t stand that dog whisperer dude, but this episode blurb says he goes to Australia and there’s a Great Dane with a biting problem AND an aggressive bearded collie, so now I’ve got my hopes up that one of them will bite the dog whisperer’s stupid dumb face right the hell off.
Hallmark: “Debbie Macomber’s Mrs. Miracle”. I’ve never heard of this and I don’t know what it is, but apparently it stars Dawson VanLeerBeek, or whatever the shit that dude’s name is. You know the one, with the freaky forehead. Oh my goodness, this thing is going to be TERRIBLE. And probably awesome.
Univision: “El Nombre del Amor”. Something about an orphan who lives with some aunts and falls in love with her best friend’s boyfriend. At least I think so (my Spanish is awful). One of the aunts is a total bitchface, but the other one is nice and… supportive? I don’t know what “le brinde todo su apoyo” means. I think it means “offers support” or something. I’d be a whole lot happier if it meant, “has an affair with a pirate and gets pregnant and sells the baby to the barren housekeeper who raises the kid as a trained assassin”. Where’s the telenovela about THAT, huh?
SyFy: King Arthur. This may be one of the dumbest movies ever made, but Clive Owen and Ray Stevenson run around slashing people with swords and yelling a lot, so it’s good enough for me.
PBS: “American Masters, Louisa May Alcott: The Woman Behind Little Women”. A biography of Louisa May Alcott, who was actually a far more interesting person than you might suspect.
MTV: Gone in 60 Seconds. I hate this movie, but it has Angelina Jolie with blonde dreadlocks and Nicholas Cage being all crazy and stealing cars, and apparently both of those things are pretty awesome for reasons that escape me.
Lifetime: Wind Chill. There’s no descriptive blurb for this movie, so I’m just gonna go ahead and assume it’s about how The West Wind breaks up with its girlfriend and starts drinking, and then before you know it the wind is blowing through all the wrong parts of town and picking up dust and strange odours, and Mother Nature is all worried and asks The West Wind if it’s on drugs and The West Wind screams, “You’re ruining my life!” and then blows a door shut in Mother Nature’s Face and then starts killing people. Or something.
A&E: “Intervention.” Amy W., who is an alcoholic cutter with an eating disorder. I haven’t even seen a commercial for this one, I don’t think. But I actually get to stick around tonight for all the Misery Night goodness, so I’m super excited!
Hallmark: The Ultimate Gift. Again, no descriptive blurb, so let’s pretend this one is all about how there’s a family with a kid who has cancer and needs some stuff for a transplant to get better… let’s say one eyeball, a diaphragm and four feet of small intestine. So the family has another kid through in vitro fertlisation so they can harvest it for spare parts to fix Kid #1, but then Spare Parts Kid gets stolen by a cult who tosses it in a volcano as a sacrifice to the god of Receding Hairlines.
TLC: “Little Chocolatiers.” There are these midgets, see. And they make chocolate. No word yet on whether they are orange with green hair and sing creepy songs which contain sage lessons, but here’s hoping!
TNT: “Men of a Certain Age.” This is that show with those dudes. And they’re old. And stuff. Okay, I have no idea. I think Scott Bakula is in it, but since he doesn’t travel through time and occasionally become a pregnant woman, I just can’t seem to muster any interest.
A&E: “Hoarders.” Julie and Shannon. Oh y’all, this one has CPS taking some kids away AND an animal infestation! It’s like a two-for-one sale!
Sarah Larson lives in Minnesota, where she is usually up to no good. She only updates her blog when bullied into it, but you can read the archive here if you’re bored enough.
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