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Now Look What You've Gone And Done

By Lord Castleton | Miscellaneous | April 29, 2017 |


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Well, I hope you guys are happy. For those of you who don’t know him, that’s Pajiba Co-Owner and Urban Basilisk Seth Freilich in the header photo who is riding two consecutive wins like a low-def Hamilcar Barca. (Sethitor’s Note: Googles “Hamilcar Barca.” … “Until the rise to power of his son Hannibal, Hamilcar was the finest commander and statesman that Carthage had produced.” …That’ll do. That’ll do.) We could have had a nice little Castleton vs. Dustin return to road trip glory in the Paquiba Menu Challenge, but instead it looks like:

Aaaaaand here’s the eloquents bracket:

The races last week were all brutally close. How did Shopsin’s lose? Didn’t you guys watch the documentary? That’s criminal. But I have to say, Jamie’s Biscuit Head is on a righteous tear. This whole thing is shaping up to be an uber-specific, specialty-food item squaredance. It seems like the final is going to be Biscuit food versus either Mac & Cheese or Waffle food. Not that Heartwood or Meadowlark aren’t legit, but it seems like voters are leaning toward more focused menus.

‘Murica!

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The big thing is that in the next round, it’s me against Seth. My Massachusetts Vin Bin versus his California Medicine Farms Tofu-Only Pockets or whatever. Both highly-regarded sandwich shops.

How are you guys going to pick the better sandwich? Because, yes, you could make this a Tupac and Biggie coastal rivalry (Sethitor’s Note: That makes me Tupac? Sweet! All Eyez on Zeth!), but in the end I love the West coast (Sethitor’s Note: The West Coast loves you too, buddy!), and I would never, ever dream of maligning anyone who lives in California.

Except for Seth. (Sethitor’s Note: Oh. Wait. Never mind. The West Coast hopes you die in a tire fire.)

Because, I’ll be honest, he’s pretty much the worst.

He’s basically what you’d get if Stalin and Andy Dick made a baby. (Sethitor’s Note: I would watch that version of My Two Dads!) When you first meet him, he comes off as a scathing, immature dick, but that’s just a front. Really he’s a soulless, sentient neckbeard who will stab you in the kidney with the broken shards of a Queensryche CD jewel case the second you turn your back on him. He is like Sauron in Mike and Ike form. Irritatingly long lasting and evil as fuck. (Sethitor’s Note: This is god damned libelous slander. Defamation of the highest form! …I would never break a Queensryche CD.)

And yes, Seth cuts my checks. (Sethitor’s Note: Not anymore.) Yes, my kids call him “Uncle Seth” but to be fair, they’ve been raised by an idiot. (Sethitor’s Note: Fact. Although at least Lady Castleton is lovely.) Some people will tell you that if you’re inebriated enough, Seth can pass as knowledgeable and even ‘charming.’ But that’s all talk from people with some pretty empty lives.

So, yeah, who’s to say who makes a better sandwich? A family-owned mom and pop wine shop who sources their ingredients locally or a sprawling, urban sandwich interior-designed cattle-call cafeteria chain that may or may not* support the proliferation of chemical weapons?

*there’s zero chance they support the proliferation of chemical weapons

(Sethitor’s Note: Mendo is a also a family-owned shop: “Mendocino Farms started as—and still is—a family business. Co-Founders (and husband-and-wife team) Mario Del Pero and Ellen Chen created the concept in 2003, determined to lead through empowerment and build a thriving business from just a good idea and a lot of passion.” Its employees are the happiest employees you’ll ever meet, they’re partnered with great local farms, and there is not a single person in California I’ve met who doesn’t love Mendo. What I’m saying is, shit on me all you want, BUT YOU LEAVE MENDO OUT OF IT!)

All I’m saying is just to consider the source.

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Just look at this shithead! Check out the expression on his face, like he’s Littlefinger:

OH IT’S JUST THE IRON THRONE. YAWN.

(Sethitor’s Note: “Distrusting me was the wisest thing you’ve done.”)

You knew you were going to be the king of Westeros and this is the outfit you pick? Goddamn jagoff. (Sethitor’s Note: I will be watching over you.) King Barney Gumble. Look at those dead eyes! Look how he kind of shifted his pelvis forward to give off the impression that he has a photo-worthy package. (Sethitor’s Note: I am gonna help you see it through.)

But more than anything, look how he’s trying to appear super relaxed on the Iron Throne. Like he’s lounging. Like it’s no big deal. (Sethitor’s Note: I will protect you in the night.)

NO ONE IS RELAXED IN THE IRON THRONE! UGH! ACT LIKE YOU BEEN THERE BEFORE. (Sethitor’s Note: I am smiling next to you … in silent lucidity.)

You have a choice, friends. Who would you rather trust? This fucking hot-ass, hirsute maiden who vanquished both TK and Dustin?

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Or a petty, mean-spirited, Boo Radley-ish writer with a fake-ass, made up name? One of us doesn’t know this tournament exists and one of us spent forty five minutes making a google doc. But y’know. Whatevs.

(Sethitor’s Note: I’d post photos of “Lord Castleton” but he has this fucking misconception that the world will give a shit about him and try to steal his identity or something. Trust me, I’ve met him. Nobody wants his identity. As for imagery, he’s basically a less friendly/cute version of Gwildor from that shitty Masters of the Universe movie:

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At least Gwildor had some sick glasses. Lord Castleton has foot fungus.)

The choice as they say, is up to you.

Oh and don’t you dare judge me, Hamilcar Barca. You’re not innocent with that sculpted beard.

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As always, the main criteria is What percentage of the items on this menu am I interested in?

Vote NOW! (Sethitor’s Note: Unlike LC, I don’t feel the need to try to push my fungal toe on the scale. I trust the readers to vote based on the menus. I respect the sanctity of the menu challenge. I respect you.)

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