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Nazi Money Train Discovered

By Steven Lloyd Wilson | Miscellaneous | August 20, 2015 |


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During World War II, the Nazis stole absolutely everything that wasn’t nailed down. And presumably a lot of stuff that was nailed down, if you want to treat the idiom as literal and are some sort of nail-focused treasure historian. And when the right cross of thirty million dead didn’t actually put the Soviet Union on the floor of the bar, the Nazis proceeded to hide all of that nailless loot under whatever loose seat cushions they could as they frantically tried to surrender to a westerner to hide behind.

Legends of Nazi gold have been as persistent as legends of lost Spanish gold of previous centuries. One in particular is the fact that when the Nazis were getting run out of Poland by the Red Army, they sort of loaded up a train full of gold and gems and presumably platinum nails if we’re going to fully beat that horse to death. The train fled west and disappeared somewhere in the mountains that run across the modern Polish-Czech frontier. There are various stories about what happened to it: secret tunnels, hidden mineshafts, aliens.

Now treasure-hunters claim to have found it.

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The wee town of Walbrzych (which is pronounced “fuck-you-we-don’t-need-vowels”) has a law firm (which I assume is also wee) that says that it has been asked by an unnamed group of individuals how to jump through the exact legal loopholes that under Polish law grant the finders of such things up to 10% of the value. Come on guys, you’re doing it wrong. You’re supposed to concoct an elaborate scheme to steal all of the money and then you lose it all because the lovely historian you consult ends up kidnapped by descendants of the SS assholes who hid the gold in the first place, and you trade the gold for her life, but rig it so it AND the SSholes fall into magma, but then right before the credits roll you reveal that you saved the single most valuable piece, stashed away in your pocket, and you and lovely historian retire to a villa until the sequel.

No other details are available, except for this lovely quote from an official on the district council of wee Walbrzych: “Lawyers, the army, the police and the fire brigade are dealing with this.” Oh damned, the fire brigade is on board.

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Said official goes on to say that “the area has never been excavated before and we don’t know what we might find.” Which means that they’re going to find a subterranean Nazi empire of Hitler clones. Obviously.

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