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Kellogg's Latest Cereal, 'Totes Amazeballs' Is, Well, Totes Amazeballs

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (16)

Totes-Amazeballs.jpg

Cute story. The lead singer of the Charlatans, Tim Burgesss, explains: “I heard someone use the expression Totes Amazeballs, and it sounded like something from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I sent a cheeky tweet saying I’d invented a new cereal and that Kellogg’s were interested. But within an hour they’d got in touch.”

So, Kelloggs — proving Mitt Romney right about corporations being people, people with feelings, and with a senses of humor, if not delightful sweet tooths — designed a cereal specifically for him. Alas, there is only one box, a combination of Burgess’ favorite things: Rocky Road cake, Coco Pops Rocks, marshmallows, shortbread pieces and raisins.

The raisins I could do without, but otherwise, it sounds like a spectacular cereal. Put it on the market, Kellogg, but drop the “They’re Schweet” tagline first.

(Adweek)










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Comments

Because doughnuts and chocolate milk are just too damn nutritious.

Posted by: , at February 22, 2012 11:29 AM

Is the prize inside a shot of insulin?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at February 22, 2012 11:52 AM

Okay, I know there's only one box but:

cereal: A grain used for food, such as wheat, oats, or corn.

This is a box of high sugar snack treats, not a box of cereal.

Posted by: PaddyDog at February 22, 2012 12:14 PM

Kellogg's is great. My husband works part-time for them. We're rolling in free Pop-Tarts. I'm not kidding.

Happiness is a warm pumpkin Pop-Tart.

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at February 22, 2012 12:33 PM

Pumpkin Pop-Tarts? Is there such a thing? Must find, now.

Posted by: lorent at February 22, 2012 12:35 PM

"ALL the wall-climbing supersonic rush I've come to expect from Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs, but only HALF the vitamins!"

-- Calvin

Posted by: , at February 22, 2012 12:51 PM

"'He likes it!' my ass. That stuff was cyanide shit on a spoon. Like eating a fucking shredded tire, you know? Fucking terrible. But, you know, when the director says, 'Look, kid, if you spit out ONE MORE BITE, you'll never see your fucking dog again. OR your motherfucking dad,' well, you choke it down as best you can and try to smile, and then barf it up later. I spent three days on the shitter after filming those ads. Coincidence? I fucking think not. Put me off eating anything labeled as 'cereal' for 40 years, no shit.

"Then these two idiot friends of mine, worthless cocksuckers about everything else but especially about cereal, got me to try Totes Amazeballs. 'Here, try it, you'll eat anything,' they said. Well, I wasn't gonna fall for that one again, but one look at the bowl and I thought, eh, what the fuck. Take out the fucking raisins and I'll give it a try. And let me tell you: THAT'S the fucking shit, right there. A motherfucking miracle. I goddam wish they made this back in the '70s. Rocky Road cake? Marshmallows? Jesus Christ, I've been waiting all my fucking life for this. ...

"'Life,' get it? That's a joke, son. Heh-heh ... how old are you again? Well, fuck YOU, too."

-- Mikey

Posted by: , at February 22, 2012 1:30 PM

Well after looking at the diabetic-shock-in-a-box that is Amazeballs, I say that all that is needed now is to pour Choco-Good® on a bowl of this in place of milk.

For those of you outside of New England, Choco-Good is an evil pseudo-chocolate milk beverage.......THAT CONTAINS NO MILK IN IT WHATSOEVER. They usually can be found in 1 gallon milk jugs and is so high in viscosity that you can make homemade fudgesicles out of them in less than 20 minutes.

For anyone interested in going off the national grid and generating your own electricity, all you really need is a large hamster wheel hooked up to a generator, a hyperactive child and a bowl of Cocoa Puffs drowned with this stuff. Not only will you be able to kiss your utility bills goodbye, but you may in fact be able to help your neighbors by charging them to take the surplus power.

Posted by: bleujayone at February 22, 2012 1:49 PM

Next motherfucker that speaks ill of Choco-Good gets fucking stabbed.

Watch yourself, bluejayone.

Posted by: TK at February 22, 2012 2:06 PM

Pumpkin Pie PopTarts are my favorite thing in the world and sadly I rarely allow myself to buy them. Because I will tear through that box and easily eat two to three packages in one day. Which is about 800-1200 calories and roughly 500 grams of sugar. If there were any food I could magically make calorie-free and nutritious so I could gorge myself to non-death on it, this would be it. Until that day, I cannot allow that little blue square box of tasty magic into my pantry more often than twice a year, tops.

Posted by: mb at February 22, 2012 2:14 PM

I can no longer tell whether much American stuff is real or parody.

Posted by: Donal at February 22, 2012 2:47 PM

Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Pop Tarts are by far the superior pseudopastry. But only the unfrosted variety. Kellogg has a function on their website that allows the user to search specific products and locate retailers nearby. They lie. They say the unfrosted variety exist near me, and I've scoured the stores and no. No pop tarts that meet my specifications. There for a time I was ordering them online in secret so Asti get them delivered to work so my roommate wouldn't steal them. I hid them in my closet and would eat them under the cover of darkness, or when I was on the move in the car. Like a junkie.

Posted by: ZombieMedic at February 22, 2012 3:13 PM

"I can no longer tell whether much American stuff is real or parody."

Hell, I can no longer tell whether America is real or parody.

Posted by: mograph at February 22, 2012 3:25 PM

All I can think is how much better these would be with Awesomesauce poured over them.

Posted by: PerpetualIntern at February 22, 2012 4:46 PM

Wait--this is an actual product on supermarket shelves, and not something from a SNL skit (come on kids, eat Schweaddy Balls!)?

Posted by: True_Blue at February 22, 2012 7:49 PM

Does anyone ever RTFA?

Posted by: TL at February 22, 2012 9:45 PM