In Dreams You're Mine | Pajiba Dirty Talk | Pajiba - Scathing Reviews for Bitchy People
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In Dreams You're Mine

Pajiba Dirty Talk / Dr. Pisaster

Miscellaneous | July 6, 2010 | Comments (42)

First of all, yes, I am aware of recent reports of doctors treating pregnant women with dexamethasone prenatally to treat external (but not medically dangerous) effects of congenital adrenal hyperplasia, but I’m not going to write about it. I recommend this post if you’re interested in more information. I don’t really have anything to add beyond what’s covered in that summary and frankly, I’d prefer to focus on the positive in this column as much as possible. Which isn’t to say that I won’t write about depressing or frustrating sex news, but I’d rather keep those posts infrequent.

Instead, this week I’d like to talk about an aspect of sexuality I’ve always found interesting: dreams. The subconscious mind is fascinating to study because it offers a window into things about ourselves that we may not acknowledge consciously. It’s also often just weird and entertaining. I don’t believe in standardized dream interpretations that insist that dreams about tooth loss, for example, indicate a fear of failure or whatever other weird explanations people have. Sure, some things are universal — we’ve all probably dreamed about having to take a test we aren’t prepared for during times of stress, even years out of school, for example, but for the most part I think the interpretation of dreams is dependent on the individual. This is as true of dreams about sex as any other kind. They may often reflect fantasies or personal hang-ups, although they may also occasionally just be a dumping ground for loose thoughts, mixing and matching things you’ve experienced, read, or seen randomly into a strange mix that has nothing to do with actual desires. In dreams I’ve had sex with people who I’d never touch in real life, done things I have no interest in, and once even grown a penis (I’m sure they’re fun, but personally I wouldn’t trade my innie for an outie even if I could). But I’ve also had some pretty hot dreams that inspired me to explore things that I hadn’t thought of before. (I remember dreaming once that a lover gave me a riding crop as a present and I woke up thinking, “Huh, I would kinda like one of those.”)

My most memorable dreams about sex, however, have mostly focused on not getting it. Once, in the middle of a dry spell, my subconscious basically invented a horror movie to express my sexual frustration. I was part of a group of survivors traveling through a post-apocalyptic America. I don’t know what event caused the end of civilization, but I know that members of our group kept dying in weird, Final Destination-style ways. Faced with the possible end of the human race, I ran around frantically trying to get laid as soon as possible. I swear I went after every semi-attractive male in our group, and every time I got close to scoring, either we’d be interrupted or the guy would die suddenly, strangled by a random wire or brained but a falling rock out of nowhere. I woke up more than a little frustrated. More recently, I dreamed about the aftermath of a zombie invasion. After kicking some zombie ass, I ended up in a hotel that had been converted into a makeshift hospital. Realizing I had some breathing room, I immediately began checking out the staff and plotting how best to seduce one of the hot doctors. (I also checked my purse to find it stuffed to the point of overflowing with birth control pills - yes I was carrying a purse around in a zombie-infested wasteland. I had to have something to store my bc in, obviously.) That my brain has made a connection between the end of the world and sex surely says something about me. For one thing, if I do survive any apocalyptic events, I’m pretty sure I know what I’ll be spending my time doing. For another, it would seem my biggest concern when it comes to sex is being sure I have access to it. That rings pretty true to me — after suffering through one relationship with an unsatisfying rate of sexual frequency, knowing that I can get it when I want it is pretty important to me. My brain just happened to combine that worry with my love of horror films into a package that makes for a pretty good party story.

I may have weirder-than-average sex dreams, but I’m certainly not alone in my nocturnal preoccupation with sex. In surveys on dream content in general, about 80 percent of respondents admit to having dreams about sex. Most reports that focus on sexual dreams are several decades old and reflect differences in the sexual content of dreams between men and women which may not hold true in today’s more sexually open society, but even in more repressed times a significant portion of both men and women admitted to dreaming about sex. More recent studies are sadly hard to come by. The most comprehensive study I was able to find was presented at the 2007 Annual meeting of the Associated Professional Sleep Societies by Antonio Zadra of the Universite de Montreal (unfortunately, this research does not seem to have been published in any journals, so I’m forced to rely on news reports of the study). The study used a survey of 3,500 dreams of 109 women and 64 men to look at the frequency and types of sexual dreams. The number of participants in this study isn’t great, statistically speaking, but it’s on par with other studies of this type, and the number of dreams included in the survey is impressive. In this study, women reported having sexual dreams at approximately the same rate as men. Sexual intercourse was the most common activity dreamed about, but dreams about sexual propositions, kissing, and masturbation were also common. Both men and women reported experiencing orgasms during about four percent of these dreams. Women were slightly more likely to dream about current or past sexual partners (20 percent of the time, versus 14 percent for men), and men were more likely to dream about multiple partners. The content of the dreams often reflected common waking fantasies — women frequently reported dreaming about celebrities, while men reported that women made the first move in about 90 percent of their erotic dreams. Negative dreams about sex were also reflective of common experiences — in women’s dreams the most common negative aspect was events occurring that turned them off or unhappiness with the pace of events, while for men it was the refusal of dream partners to engage in sexual acts with them.

Basically, the research reveals what most people would have assumed based on common sense — dreams about sex, both good and bad, are extremely common, and what you dream about may reflect your waking fantasies and difficulties. Personally, I’m less interested in the generalities than in the individual quirks, but there aren’t any studies that detail those. I hope y’all will satisfy my curiosity in the comments.

Dr. Pisaster has a doctorate in biophysics, not actually anything sexy. She does however enjoy having sex, reading about sex, and talking about sex. Especially when she’s had a little whiskey.

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I've had dreams where The Husband and I are always interrupted mid-coitus when I feel like we don't have time for each other. I have dreams where I have sex with other people and feel really bad about it in my dream. These are usually when we haven't had sex in a few days and I'm frustrated. Then there are the just plain strange ones. Like the time I dreamed I was gardening while a naked Ryan Reynolds rested his balls atop my head.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 6, 2010 4:08 PM

I never have sex in my dreams. I always get close to having it, but the penis never enters my vagina for some off the wall reason.

Now darling hubby, on the other hand, had the mother of all dreams and can't remember it. One night he spoke in his sleep. He said, "Oh boy!" really loudly and happily. I decided to let him sleep, and I asked him about it in the morning. He didn't remember a thing. He told me I should have woken him up while in the dream, so he would have remembered it. HOWEVER, I know full well that if I had woken him up, he would have given me hell for taking him out of the best dream in his life.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 6, 2010 4:21 PM

I rarely have sex dreams. Obviously my vagooter sleeps more soundly than my subconscious. I do however have recurring dreams about shark attacks. Gorey, limb-tearing, blood-spraying shark attacks with the screaming and the biting and the "my GOODNESS your femoral artery is like a geyser of deliciousness!"

Interpret THAT Freud.

Posted by: Julie at July 6, 2010 4:21 PM

It never happens. If it's almost gonna happen something goes wrong. I hate my goddamn dreams, they're never good. Just bad or weird.

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 4:27 PM

On normal nights I have weird dreams. And I remember them. And they usually are the kind where I wake up and am still totally convinced that the dream is real and spend my entire shower trying to talk myself out of the dream world. And sometimes when I go to bed the next night (or every night for a week) they continue.

So when I sex-dream, it's a big fucking deal. There was a morning where I was convinced I'd had sex with Jason Segel while he was really high because I dreamed that I did. And the rational side of me had to sit the subconscious side of me down and say, "Listen. I know you're not crazy, because you do understand that this is fictional. I know you understand it, because I understand it. But those feelings that are all, "what the hell just happened?" Yeah, those had better go away pretty quickly, because it's damned confusing to feel things that don't correspond with actual events."

Posted by: esme at July 6, 2010 4:29 PM

I've had them before, but the only one I remember vividly is from over a decade ago, where I screwed the living bejesus out of Betty on a pool table at a country club while Barney and Fred were out on the golf course. The three of them were cartoons, and everything else was real-world.


Yes, I still go to town on myself occasionally with that one.

Posted by: Skitz at July 6, 2010 4:35 PM

I rarely dream about sex and then, when I do, I usually am having sex with my husband. Although, usually there's something weird going on, like we're in bed with other people who are asleep or there are other people just milling around in our room, and I'm really concerned that someone might notice what we're doing. Usually if I actually manage to orgasm in my sleep, it jolts me awake, and I'm always really annoyed when that happens because it feels like I don't get to finish enjoying the orgasm before I get the "Wha? huh? I'm awake?" feeling.
I wish I had sex dreams about celebreties. Mmmm, Clive Owen...that would be nice!

Posted by: peachfish at July 6, 2010 4:35 PM

I've had sex dreams - juicy, explicit ones - since at least age 8. Fun ones. Sometimes with classmates, sometimes with exes, sometimes with celebrities, now often with coworkers, whether I find them attractive or not. It can get distracting, since I always remember them vividly.

About five years ago, my subconscious started letting me get to climax in these dreams, which is AWESOME, ladies, I highly recommend it. Had no idea ladies could have "wet dream" until I woke myself up with one. Yeehaw, subconscious.

Posted by: Tammy at July 6, 2010 4:40 PM

I don't dream, or I don't remember dreams that I do have. Regardless, Mrs. G thinks my barren dreamscape is freaky so she dreams for both of us. Trouble is, she has Alice-in-Wonderland dreams: her and Lenny Kravitz at Sonic ordering a meat-flavored milkshake for her childhood dog, or some such. If she has sex dreams, I don't hear about those...which may be okay, all things considered.

Posted by: Che Grovera at July 6, 2010 4:45 PM

I once dreamed that I had a shelf full of dildoes, all shaped like my various male friends. I had to pick one to masturbate with. The one I chose was the guy I am the least attracted to in real life. I have no idea what that means.

I have orgasms in my sleep, have for years. The funny thing is, once I realized what was going on and that I wasn't just imagining things, I now have sex dreams preceeding them. Before they used to happen on their own, and now it's like my subconcious is directing me towards the O-Zone.

Posted by: Lauren at July 6, 2010 4:46 PM

"...they're never good. Just bad or weird."

Kind of like Jay's useless comments. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: Snidely McWhiplash at July 6, 2010 4:50 PM

I have sex dreams fairly often. Usually, they're combined with survival dreams (zombie apocalypse, Twi-hard invasion, the annual reindeer migration) but, regardless, I always seem to find the time for some dangerous copulation no matter the situation. Perhaps it's my subconscious telling me I'm not going to be any good in a fight for the survival of the species. So, I'll just leave that to the other people and set about propagating the species. Volunteers?

Posted by: admin at July 6, 2010 4:56 PM

God, the pseudonyms around here can get terrible. I'm never able to take my enemies seriously cause they're a bunch of stupid names...but I suppose that makes things easier in the end. Carry on!

Posted by: Jay at July 6, 2010 4:58 PM

I had a dream one time where I was driven by some sort of invisible force to rub up against all sorts of machinery and electronics. I did this with a blender, my boyfriend's xbox, a set of powertools, etc.

And when I did this, the appliance that I had been grinding on would turn into a person and thank me for returning them to human form and then float away.

It's kind of like King Midas's golden touch. Except the hand is my vagina.

Posted by: penelope at July 6, 2010 5:00 PM

Fuck off snidely. Your username is stupid and Jay is the tits.

Posted by: Julie at July 6, 2010 5:02 PM

"The Hand is my Vagina" is roughly 1000% cooler than "The Hammer is my penis." Fact.

Can this be an official Godtopussy slogan and become emblazoned on a shirt? 'Cause....'cause I would buy that shirt.

Posted by: Tammy at July 6, 2010 5:02 PM

I have sex dreams fairly often - I rarely remember dreams, but I have dreams that are sexy enough to remember about once a month.

Here's something curious. I'm a gay dude. In my dreams I never ever get to seal the deal with a guy, the dreams usually consist of awarness that sex is coming or I'll get started but then I'll get interrupted in the dream or it just doesn't happen. Only once have I had full on sex in a dream complete with actual real life orgasm. It was also the only time I've dreamed of having sex with a women (there was also a guy in the dream, so it was at least a little gay).

I wonder whats up with that?

Posted by: JR at July 6, 2010 5:17 PM

I tend to have psycho-sexual dreams - i.e., there is boatloads of sexual tension but almost never does it result in actual sex. Occasionally, I will know that sex happened prior to where the dream picks up, but again, no real details. Very rarely will I have an actual sex dream, and those almost always involve fictional characters from whatever I've read or watched before bed. This is why I stay away from horror stories and anything with clowns in it.

For the longest time, I would tell my subconscious fantasy guys that I couldn't have sex with them because I was married. Talk about frustrating. I couldn't even cheat in my dreams! Which is why, when I finally had a dream where I kept my stupid mouth shut, I woke up delighted and told my husband, who congratulated me on my dream-state adultery. He, one notes, never had such a prohibition.

Without going into details, I think the reason I don't dream about sex acts most of the time is because even my subconscious doesn't want to open the Pandora's Box of places I might go if I hadn't bound that sucker closed with iron straps and dropped a ton of rubble on it.

Posted by: Reba at July 6, 2010 5:17 PM

Good grief.

I have dreams about venomous snakes mocking me, aliens attacking me or venomous alien snake ninjas jumping up by my bed sticking their face in mine and yelling to scare me then leaving.

What do I have to do to have dreams that might be fun while freaking me out?

Seriously, you have no idea just how terrifying it is to wake up in a cold sweat thinking a venomous alien snake ninja is lurking in your apartment... under the bed. That's right. Under the bed. Because it wouldn't make sense for a venomous alien snake ninja to hang out anywhere else.

Shut up.

Posted by: lubeg at July 6, 2010 5:29 PM

I have had numerous various and vivid sex dreams over the years. I really wish I had written them all down.

One recurring theme in the more troubling ones involves my penis growing much larger than it does (or should) to the point of being unwieldy and in danger of injury. I would guess that means I have insecurities tied to size.

One of my favorite celebrity ones from several years back involved Jennie Garth. She and I were in full-blown coitus when she turned into a vampire and attacked me.

I also once had dream-sex with Dana Scully that was in the midst of an X-Files adventure. I was the subject of the case and had superpowers. I worried that Mulder might get jealous. I ended up smashing some cars Incredible-Hulk-style.

Perhaps the most memorable, though, was Audrey Hepburn. The climactic scene of Charade was on the television and bled into my dream. Just like the movie, I chased Audrey through the darkened streets of Paris, although not with the intent of killing her. When I caught her, I ripped that red coat her character was wearing much of the movie right off, and we went to town.

I find that leaving the television on can inspire some very strange dream tangents, although they're not reliably and pleasingly sexual.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at July 6, 2010 5:36 PM

Dude. Jay is basically the reason I get on facebook these days. He's the awesome newsfeed dominator of awesomeness. And if you're not jumping onto his awesome train, you can tie yourself to the "McTracks" it runs on.

Posted by: esme at July 6, 2010 5:40 PM

I spent a couple of decades of my life having sex in my dreams with just about any and every male I ever knew (friends, coworkers, bosses, etc.) Now, I tend to just have the sex-interrupted type dreams whenever it's been too long in real life.

Posted by: elsie at July 6, 2010 5:56 PM

Aw, Skitz had a yabba-dabba-do-me dream!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 6, 2010 6:28 PM

Where the hell did this topic come from?

Posted by: grace b at July 6, 2010 6:45 PM

I had a dream kissing one of my (girl)friends and then she turned into a vampire, then a black dude (she's blonde). That was weird. Then I had another dream where I was making out with my (guy) best friend and that...yeah, that freaked me out. Basically, I only have sex dreams about people that are just WRONG.

Posted by: joker at July 6, 2010 6:50 PM

Pisaster had sex dreams and wants to check we're all as messed up!

I can honestly say I've never had a sex dream.

Or, for that matter, a nightmare.
Which I find infinitely weirder

Posted by: Nadine at July 6, 2010 6:51 PM

Oh and the pregnant women thing has a horrible feeling of Thalidomide about it.

And I dont mean the kids, I mean the UNTESTED CHEMICAL being given to PREGNANT WOMEN.

Forget making them 'normal'(whatever the fuck that even means), forget worrying about saving them from surgery later DO NOT give PREGNANT WOMEN UNTESTED CHEMICALS.

Just wait...wait and see how many kids are born with actual deformities...I'm talking hydrocephalus, withered arms and legs, all sorts.

Are we as a species fucking incapable of learning from our past mistakes?
Becase Thalidomide is used in cancer treatments now, it means people forgot what it did ??
Wake up!!

Posted by: Nadine at July 6, 2010 7:04 PM

i had one where i was on a tv reality dating show and the person they paired me up with shared my birthday.

Posted by: Utah Dynamo at July 6, 2010 7:10 PM

Sex dreams. Very frequently. It`s great.

Posted by: Jadine at July 6, 2010 7:58 PM

It's pretty rare that I have a sexy dream but when I do it always involves incredibly hot sex with people who disgust me. I'm fairly straight-laced in real life, so maybe there's an inner freak trying desperately to claw her way out.

Posted by: king at July 6, 2010 8:13 PM

To my complete and utter disappointment, I can only recall having one measly sex dream in my 23 years of life... and it involved hot, young Paul Newman screwing the hell out of me. Quality over quantity, I guess?

Posted by: CC at July 6, 2010 8:38 PM

grace b, it came from the fact that I'm far too sick this week to think deep thoughts, so I pulled something out of the light-and-easy part of my brain. Plus we (or at least I) needed a silly break from the mostly frustrating news lately.

Posted by: dr. pisaster at July 6, 2010 9:50 PM

In my 24 years I've never had a sex dream that I can remember. I have had several 'relationship' dreams, where I've ended up with various guys, some of whom I liked, and some of whom I'd never even met. The weirdest one was when I was dating a guy I knew, only in my dream, he was a mop. Yes, the thing you clean the floor with. Some serious shit must have been going on in my head that day.

Posted by: redfeather at July 6, 2010 9:56 PM

Dr. Pisaster

Have you tought about making screenplays out of your dreams? They're original, sexy and even contain zombies! I guarantee* the resulting movies would be better than most of the dreck we've been subjected to this year.

* Not an actual guarantee.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 6, 2010 10:35 PM

I had a weird sex dream the other night that involved a girl I can't stand. Sure, she's attractive enough (read: fantastic tits), but that girl is dumber than shit.

In the dream (which took place at a house, a semi fancy house) she just walked up to me and told me to "Come outside so I can suck your dick." I have no idea why this had to take place outside, but it did. Anyway, she proceeded to do so in the back corner of the yard (which incidentally happened to be my friends backyard) in a lawn chair. This eventually led to sex.

Again, I don't know why I dreamed of her. I haven't even seen her in like 5 years. I have also never had an orgasm in my dreams (much like real life during actual sex), which drives me completely fucking nuts. There was one dream where I thought I was going to, and then I woke up.

I also have very vivid dreams. Thus why I love having nightmares.

I also had a continuing series of dreams...about two weeks in a row...that involved meeting a deaf girl at a bar. She was wearing a red sweater, she was tiny, and she had close cropped black hair. Every dream progressed a little further (I didn't find out she was deaf until about the 3rd dream) until I eventually asked her out on a date. I also remember her friends were really snobby jackasses. I had those dreams last year and looked for the girl all winter when I went to the bar. Then I stopped having them. About a month ago I dreamed of her again (the same dream) for three days in a row.

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 6, 2010 11:31 PM

This is an oddly coincidental topic. I had my second (of all time) sex dream that resulted in an orgasm last night.

And I'm unsure of the subconcious aspect because it featured, of all people, Nicolas Cage.

I don't find him attractive, I think he's ironically funny in his crappiness, but man... it was a good time had by all in the dreamscape.

Posted by: Gilligiggle at July 6, 2010 11:40 PM

I hope you're not seriously suggesting we SHOULDN'T be using Thalidomide to treat cancer.

Posted by: VentureSister at July 6, 2010 11:43 PM

Oh, also, I have my fair share of the sexy dreams when I'm in school and haven't seen my boyfriend in a few months. Usually it involves one of two things: me cheating on him with someone else and not caring about it or trying to masterbate and just NEVER finishing. I'm surprised at the number of women on this thread who can finish in their dreams. I'm SO jealous.

Posted by: VentureSister at July 6, 2010 11:46 PM

VentureSister, god no, not at all!! if it helps, YES, use it...

What I'm saying is, just because Thalidomide has this positive benefit, it doesn't mean we should start handing out other untested meds to pregnant women, that's all.

I think it's sort of amazing that Thalidomide has proven to be such an effective drug treatment and I remember watching a hospital drama a year ago where a Thalidomide adult was told he had a type of cancer best treated by Thalidomide.
It was emotionally wrenching and well handled because, obviously, the actor is one of the UK's most famous Thalidomide kids and he handled it amazingly. (Ultimately he chooses to have the treatment)

But like I say...finding out one drug which caused deformities can also treat cancer, doesn't make it okay to give women a different and potentially as damaging drug. Carry on using Thalidomide to treat cancer by all means but dont apply reverse logic to other drugs.
Maybe in the future it'll turn out dex is the cure for AIDS or something but until it's full possible effects are known I think it's staggeringly misguided to be giving it to pregnant women.

Posted by: Nadine at July 7, 2010 4:45 AM

so, back story first: lately i've been catching up on my pop culture deficiencies and watching Buffy in quick succession. ever since i got to season 4 i've been Spike secret mistress every night i watch an ep. when i got to season 6 Buffy joined in. i'm watching season 5 of angel just to see if boreanaz will be the next guest star.

Posted by: marie at July 7, 2010 7:50 AM

Ever noticed that you're really uncomfortable around the people involved in your sex dreams for a few weeks after it happens? I can actually FEEL my pupils dilate with desire when I look at them and the dream flashes before my eyes. Used to happen in high school and college all the time (obviously), only back then I could try to make it come true. Now I just bone my wife. Again.

Posted by: Kballs at July 7, 2010 8:02 AM

I've never had a sex dream. It makes me terribly sad. On the other hand, I do have the really bizarre/hilarious dreams that make me wake up laughing, so that's cool. And, quite often, feature celebrities.

Like, the other day I dreamt that I was in ALEXANDER SKARSGARD's house. AND WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX.

Oh, no. We sat staring out the window, playing checkers and he asked me to make some tea, then he went to play with his pet iguana (NOT a euphemism) and I couldn't get the water to boil.

Then I think we rode off on magical unicorns or some bullshit, because my brain is STUPID.

Posted by: figgy at July 7, 2010 12:04 PM

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