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How to Survive Hurricane Sandy If You Live in the South Or on the West Coast

By Dustin Rowles | Miscellaneous | October 29, 2012 | Comments ()


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As we all brace for what will undoubtedly be the worst storm of all time ever in the history of all time over here on the East Coast, those of you in the South, on the West Coast, and in many of the flyover states are going to have to suffer through a couple of days of neglect. Nobody cares about you right now. The political spotlight is on Florida and Ohio, while news channels are all focused on NYC, D.C., Jersey, and even Delaware.

How does it feel to be upstaged by Delaware? Jesus. The San Francisco Giants won the World Series last night, and guess what? Everywhere you turn, there are pictures of the Atlantic City boardwalk. Where's your satisfaction? Why isn't the media throwing you a parade?

Right now, you're probably frustrated. Everywhere you turn -- the television, Twitter, and Facebook -- all anyone is talking about the storm. Even people who live on the periphery of the storm's trajectory are trying to absorb some of that attention. "Oh, it might hit us if it turns in just the right way. We stocked our basement full of whiskey and canned beans just in case."

But you? You're way out in California, or Texas, or Oklahoma. Nobody gives a shit about you today. Your elected officials could go on a rant about how legitimate rapes are actually God's will, and no one will care.

Oh, sure: You could take to Facebook and roll your eyes about how everyone is getting so bent out of shape about some silly old rain. I've already seen some of that today. But everyone will think you're an asshole, because you are. Or, you could send your best wishes to everyone you know on the East Coast, but that's probably going to get old quickly, plus who is going to see it if they're five feet under water with no power? You could surf the Internet all morning, but that's no fun, either. Everyone is talking about Sandy, and gloating because they get the day off (they won't be gloating tonight when they're bored, in the dark, and the battery has run down on all their devices).

So what do you do to preoccupy yourself during the difficult time of neglect? How do you survive when the world doesn't care about you? Here's a few tips:

1) It's OK to cry. -- No one will hear you, and no one will care because we're busy dealing with our own sh*t right now, but if it makes you feel better, be my guest. Or, you could yell, scream and hit something. Temper tantrums are a great way to deal with neglect, but again, they're not that fruitful when no one is paying attention. But you can record yourself and upload it on YouTube after all of this has passed. Label the video, "Narcissistic Jackass Pleading for Some Attention."

2) Go Outside -- Screw everybody else. Unplug. Go outside. Enjoy the sunshine. Quietly count your blessings, but keep it to yourself. We don't care. We're too busy trying to find batteries for our f***king flashlights.

3) Be Selfish -- Bake a cake. Eat all of it. It's OK. It's a tough time for you; you've earned the right to think only of yourself. Sure, there's a storm working its way up the East Coast likely to cause $3 billion in damage and great loss of life, but how could that possibly compare to the devastation of losing your East Coast Words with Friends pal? WHY IS YOUR LIFE SO HARD?

4) Recreate the Storm In Your Home -- Sure, you'll be spared the rain and wind and all the attention that accompanies it, but you could at least simulate the experience. Point your lawn sprinklers at your windows, turn out all the lights in your home, and sit there quietly wondering what the hell you're going to do with no power. Walk outside every hour or so and muse to your neighbors, "Hell of a storm, huh? You need some help boarding up your windows? I've got some canned foods, a battery operated hot plate, and some space in my basement if you want ride out the storm with me." To help pass the time, remove your new basement friend's skin.

5) Turn It Into a Positive -- Watch cable news. Turn it into a drinking game. Every time you see a newscaster fall down because of high winds, DRINK! Whenever a politician attempts to exploit the storm for political gain, DRINK! Every time you hear the word "surge,' DRINK! If someone compares Sandy to Irene, DRINK! Every time you see an Internet post devoted to the guy running shirtless through a storm wearing a horse head, DRINK!

You'll be drunk by noon on the West Coast, and you can spend the entire day sleeping it off. You'll never even know the rest of the country doesn't care about you today.

To everyone else: Stay safe, folks. Power up all your devices, download lots of movies and television shows, and build a fort in your living room made of Halloween candy. When this is all over, you can eat your way out.




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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • alwaysanswerb

    Since this is mostly a joking thread, I feel comfortable making the joke that the thing I like most about this thread is the supposition that the East Coast (New York in particular) regularly gives up the spotlight to anywhere else in the country for the majority of non-emergency life coverage.

  • BlackRabbit

    What is up with the horseheads? Is that a thing now? I see them everwhere: here and other sites, on the street, at the daycare, in the attic, staring at me, waving their tongues...oh god, the attic

  • I know it's self-consciously wacky and kooky and all that shite, but I can't help but love the horsehead guy.

  • Slash

    I'm fine with an actual important event/circumstance getting attention, as opposed to the pointless bullshit the media usually wastes time on.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Hm, I'm on the WC and I still didn't know about the Giants.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm a New Yorker, so every mention of the Giants I saw, I thought referred to Big Blue trying to lose to the Cowboys, who insisted on losing even more.

  • alwaysanswerb

    Ha, I watched that game! So ridiculous.

  • googergieger

    Pretty sure the correct answer is masturbate.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    or make a hurricane baby.

  • layla

    Westcoast Canada had a 7.7 earthquake on Saturday night. For a brief second, we were the news. How fleeting it is.

    Stay safe eastcoasters.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    But then Hawaii stole the focus with the tsunami warnings...

  • Guest

    Typical.

  • Uhhh...why so persnickety, Rowles?

  • blacksred

    Hey you forgot Pennsylvania !! We are getting it too. Although my husband and i are quite enjoying trying for a hurricane baby and playing the michael jackson experience while drinking strawberry rum

  • Bert_McGurt

    Thanks Dustin, now you got me thinking about whiskey beans and it's not even 1 pm yet.

  • $27019454

    I'm in SoCal and I was righteously, hissing-and-spitting pissed that it is YET AGAIN 78 degrees on a FALL day. Where are our clouds? Where is our rain? You East Coasters are so spoiled. You get all the authentic weather and we get this fucked-up-summer-in-autumn tomfoolery.

  • L.O.V.E.

    I live in SoCal too, and this morning dew is an absolute nightmare. Last night it dropped to 62 degrees and I had to switch from shorts to jeans to take my dog for a walk. And don't even get me started on that slight ocean breeze. Ugh.

  • googergieger

    I live in San Diego and, oh whoops. Please ignore the erection.

    Back to you guys.

  • Mrs. S Coconut

    Our house was blown to the ground in 2004 in two consecutive hurricanes and a tropical storm (all within a month). We didn't "qualify" for a lick of FEMA help and our insurance company bailed on us, leaving us to pick ourselves up and rebuild with our own two hands (and our own money). We are still financially recovering (as well as emotionally) from that.
    We lived 11 months in a condemned home with holes in the roof and crumbling, moldy walls and 9 months homeless, squatting in a foreclosed home 300 miles from home.
    No one cared about us then. The world didn't stop like it apparently has for this storm. I hope every politician in DC who helped ensure we got nothing when we needed it loses everything.

  • DominaNefret

    That is really horrible, I am very sorry that happened to you, and people deserve to suffer appropriate consequences when such things occur.
    But when a devastating storm is set to affect 20 million people, it is something that needs to be worried about; we want to make sure that what happened to you is something that can be avoided at all possible costs. No one deserves to go through anything like that.
    I hope things get easier for you and your family, I can't imagine what it must have been like to go through something like that.

  • MsMoMo

    Please forgive me, but I was just about choking on my coffee here, laughing at this post. It is really funny in it's sarcasm.
    As for you East Coast-ers. I honestly DO wish you all safey, health and minimal upset as the storm comes through. It looks crazy bad watching the news shows.
    Mo in Anaheim, So CA

  • BWeaves

    I'm thrilled Sandy passed me by. I've been in more hurricanes I can handle in Florida, and I don't want to be in another.

    1. Make sure you have a manual can opener.

    2. Fill your bathtub with water, and have a bucket handy. It's for flushing the toilet, because if the electricity goes out, the pumping station won't be refilling your loo after the first flush.

    3. It's a bit late, but buy a copy of Apocalypse Chow and follow the directions. It's what to eat after you've burned through the meat in your freezer after the first 24 hours.

    4. Stock up on paper plates, plastic cutlery, paper towels, and aluminum foil. You won't be able to wash your dishes or utensils much. Water is precious.

    5. Fill your own water jugs and add a drop of bleach. Use for everything, but hoard it.

    6. Stock up on ice.

    7. Get out the cards and the board games.

    8. Fill a thermos or two with boiling water. It'll be hot for about 12 hours. You'll want that instant coffee or tea once everything calms down.

    9. Put your insurance forms in a ziplock baggie and keep it close.

    10. Be glad you have a land line phone. It'll be the only thing with power after the power goes out. Cell phone towers don't work when the power goes out.

    11. Stay safe, and see you on the other side.

  • L.O.V.E.

    You live in Florida and you failed to add 12. Lots and lots of weapons, 13. Stay close to your significant other/teacher, or 14. Set out traps for gators and other food sources. You must be one of those high-falutin' Floridians.

    Also, thank you for the tips on how to survive the zombie apocalypse/presidential elections.

  • BWeaves

    I'm an anti-gun vegetarian, so 12 and 14 are out for me. 13 is sort of a no brainer.

  • As a veteran hurricane dodger I really have no advice that would do ya'll any good this late in the day. Just--stay safe! My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

  • A friend on the West Coast tweeted that riots were taking place in San Fran after the World Series, complete with looting, car fires, and shots fired yet I've not seen any media coverage of the 'celebrations'.

  • stevieg80

    Yeah, 25 people arrested here, no one died. No biggie.

  • ed newman

    Super Bowl? You've been playing Dustin's drinking game already, haven't you? It's OK, you're among friends.

  • Hey buddy! I corrected myself, tyvm!

  • badkittyuno

    I live in Texas, but have quite a few loved ones on the east coast (hi schmikie!). I feel quite confident that a multi-state drinking game is in order here.

  • 80mph
    Winds taking over D.C.

    I may be screwed here.

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