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Bears Have Cleverly Disguised Themselves As Dogs, And Now We're Seriously F*cked

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | May 15, 2018 |

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | May 15, 2018 |


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Look, I know we don’t need yet ANOTHER reason to worry about our survival on this floating space rock we call home. We’ve got idiots with their fingers on the buttons of nuclear weapons and idiots with their fingers on the triggers of regular weapons. Climate change is racing to either drown us in sea water or kill us with whatever ancient diseases are about to be released from the melting ice caps. Then there’s refined sugar, cholesterol, cancer, stress — and of course the galactic Hail Mary of an asteroid that could come out of nowhere to kill us like our dinosaur predecessors. After all that, plus whatever else my fear-addled brain has conveniently forgotten is a threat, it seems sort of quaint and old-timey to start worrying about our place on the food chain, amirite?

WRONG. Because as Stephen Colbert spent so many years trying to warn us: BEARS ARE OUT TO GET US.

Their latest scheme is truly diabolical, as one family in China recently discovered. It all started when they decided to buy a Tibetan Mastiff puppy while on vacation 2 years ago. At first, the puppy just seemed to have a voracious appetite, consuming “a box of fruits and two buckets of noodles every day.”

(Side note: I’ve just found my ideal diet.)

It wasn’t until their new dog wouldn’t stop growing and revealed a talent for walking upright on its hind legs that the family realized they might have a FUCKING BEAR LIVING UNDER THEIR FUCKING ROOF. Turns out that puppy they’d purchased had turned into a 3 ft tall, 250 pound Asiatic Black Bear — an endangered species that could have cost them a lot of money if they’d bought their “puppy” on the black market.

Luckily for them, they noticed their error before the bear’s evil scheme had come to fruition and they reached out for help. The bear has been safely transported to the Yunnan Wildlife Rescue Centre, where it’s being cared for. Presumably as a bear, and not as the world’s largest trick dog.

For reference: This is a Tibetan Mastiff, the dog they thought they purchased…

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… and THIS is the Asiatic Black Bear, the dog the family actually purchased:

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The moral of the story is: bears are getting smarter. They can infiltrate our homes, pretending to be our best friends. So take a good long look at Fluffy over there, and ask yourself if you trust that dog to not be a bear in disguise. And then remember that dogs might be willing accomplices in this whole scheme! After all, they’ve been known to dress up at bears every once in awhile…

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Tori Preston is deputy editor of Pajiba. She rarely tweets here but she promises she reads all the submissions for the "Ask Pajiba (Almost) Anything" column at [email protected].


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