Pajiba

As if we needed confirmation, we now know that comic book geeks don't get up early in the morning.

This one burned me.

Team Jacob. Doggy style bitches. Doggy style.

I had to read the comments to figure out what "Team blah blah" was. Thank god I am in the 34 - 400 bracket. And Jr. vs the Captain? Where are all the chicks? Mr. Tightpants is loosing to Iron boy?

I picked Sarah Jessica Parker and I don't know why.

She was in Ed Wood. That's a reason. And I loved her in South Park.

(Psst! I don't really know you...)

RDJ is #2 on the personal hotlist. Fillion is #3. So yes, he is losing. Sometimes, you have to make the hard choices.

I am sincerely stuck on the RDJ vs Reynolds vs Fillion issue right now. Having a seriously hard time.

Go the RDJ!!!

Gawsh, him and Cap'n Tightpants...

Don't make me choose

Is #2 like a "marry fuck or kill" question? Because I'd marry Aniston, fuck Fox, and kill Heigl. I love to get my evil/creepy sexism out of the way early. Oh ya, and I'm not leaving out the possibility of a Gwyneth/Fox threeway. Just putting it out there, universe.

Really Claire? Why, because he was so chauvanist he MADE you pick one woman out of a line-up? Or maybe you were offended he limited you to only one male out of a group of them, and you didn't want to share with the rest of class?

Either way, you're right though. This quick four question survey, posted for fun, was nefariously designed to keep anyone with a uterus barefoot, pregnant and in the kitchen.

I had to give it to Gwynnie. Royal Tenenbaums, yo.
And I think Paul Rudd will get more love as the day goes by.

The "pick a woman" question was a no-brainer. Anniston. I still like her and don't get the ire directed at her. And the woman is gorgeous, don't care what some whackos think.

The "pick a guy" question was harder. A couple years ago I would have said Bale but he seems to be a bit of a douche lately. So I went with Paul Rudd because he is awesome and I'd like to grab a beer with him and be called "Joben".

I think I made a mistake. I think I went with "Team Jacob", when I meant to go with "Team Edward." I forgot which was which, but I wanted to go with the vampire dude, simply because the werewolf dude just looks... weird to me.

I picked Megan Fox. Why? Because yea, she's fibbed about plastic surgery and yea she's a terrible actress, but that bitch is hilarious. Of all the women up there she'd be the chick you hang out in a bar with as she bitches about all of the other sluts in there. And she'd get so many free drinks she'd have to share.

And of course I picked Paul Rudd! Dude dances like Barishnakov and has enough chest hair to make a small poodle. I adore him.

Reading Ranylt's comment about the literary snobbery made me realize I was unworthy to fall into the category. In comparison to her greatness I'm just LARPing a book worm.

And as for the teams? I picked Edward. Because Jacob is still underage and I am not dealing with Chris Hanson again.

I should be a literary snob, since I was an English major at all. That said, I do believe that I probably hold the record for "least pages actually read" of anyone who graduated with an English degree from my esteemed university. Lots and lots of poetry classes, some film classes, a couple short story classes, and a lot classes with the same books, or poems. Also, about 90% of what I read is comic books, er, graphic novels. I fail as an English major and as a literary snob.

Literary Snob - Because just last week I was attacking a friend who argued that Star Wars is science fiction, not fantasy.

Paltrow - "What's in the box?!" Think about that context carefully when you're hating on those women and the choice is easy.

Fillion - Not an easy choice. Afterall, Bale is The Batman and RDJ is just freakin' cool. But neither of them hold a candle to Malcolm Reynolds, who aims to misbehave and remorselessly shoots first without being edited into a kinder, gentler rogue

The last one, this was my favorite, you know why? Did you know you can vote without activating one of the radio buttons? Take that you SAS using stats nerd.

Werewolves are badass motherfuckers and vampires are limp-wristed fairies. Is that what you wanted to know, Dustin? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED!?!?!?

Team Coco.

Re Fillion: don't forget that PG Porn video.

Sidebar: did the pneumatic nail gun happen before or after "The hammer is my penis"?

In the first question, you forgot the condescending choice of "Giant Virgin."

The girl question came down to who I'd kick out of bed last, so use your imagination. No really, picture me rollin'.

The guy question was very difficult because I tried to think of who I'd have a beer with, and RDJ, Paul Rudd and Nathan Fillion would all be entertaining. The tie-breaker was the massive number of insane stories RDJ could tell. Can you imagine? My liver would fly out of my body and pummel me to death just for listening to that shit.

I picked Sarah Jessica Parker because I like her marraige to Matthew Broderick. What do I care if she makes crappy movies?

But Edward and Jacob... NO. I will not be a part of that.

I concur.

Where is the option for connoisseur of all things low-brow? I'm somewhat a gamer, and like some sci-fi, but really, I'm someone who hoovers thru mass-market novels (multiple times) and prefers serialized TV to arty-farty movies. I can discourse for hours on the brilliance of John D. MacDonald's Travis McGee, the sad but inevitable decline of Robert B. Parker (R.I.P.), the time-bending story arc of Tasha Yar, and why Logan Echolls is totally right for Veronica Mars. Oh wait, you guys already know that (and I've promised to shut up about VM several times now).

Does that make your advertisers cream in delight? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Che, that's retardist. I'm officially offended. Perhaps a little confused as well.

admin,
I just considered eating some pizza out of the trash. You are not walking the retard road alone, my friend.

Hey! The female choices were far inferior to the male choices. That's called gender discrimination and I won't stand for it!

Posted by: Marco Rogers at June 4, 2010 9:17 AM

I agree. We had to choose among women we had then from among men we love. Just move of that rampant missoogleme stuff I suppose.

Sci-Fi Geek. Fox. RDJ. And No Way in Hades am I voting on THAT one!

"That first one was un-possible, as I am categorically 7 out of 8 of those. But my inner literary snob compelled me to go with "Literary Snob." Because that's how literary snobs go about their day."

Posted by: Ranylt at June 4, 2010 9:55 AM

Ranylt, you made me curious. Which one aren't you? If I had to guess I would go with gamer.

So I think I would have picked Paul Rudd anyway, but I was definitely influenced by the header pic.

And as noted in the previous Edward v. Jacob discussion, if we're talking Rob Pattinson vs. Taylor Lautner, it's Rob all the way. If we're talking about what I understand the vampire character vs. the werewolf character to be like (not having read the books), then it's Jacob all the way.

I had to vote against team Jacob because he was a fuck wad who put the Losties through such hell... and what the fuck is that golden light all about... I would have voted for team Ben had I been given a chance... who is Edward... the marshal on Flight 815 who was bringing in Kate? hmmm

I had to vote against team Jacob because he was a fuck wad who put the Losties through such hell... and what the fuck is that golden light all about... I would have voted for team Ben had I been given a chance... who is Edward... the marshal on Flight 815 who was bringing in Kate? hmmm

Che, you gotta do what you gotta do. I understand.

admin,
I just considered eating some pizza out of the trash. You are not walking the retard road alone, my friend.

Did you know Sprite Zero doesn't feel good on the way out your nose?

EricD: you guess wrong. While I've read/seen my share of anime and manga over the years, I can't consider myself an "anime dork" because that would be a massive turd of an embellishment.

ANISTON?! What is wrong with you people. Yes, I said "you people". WHAT OF IT.

I think there needs to be a "Totally gay for musicals" option in the first question. That's me.

Hee. That last question. Oh Dustin, you scamp. You truant. You...something something.

I picked Bale. He's BATMAN, dammit. He'd fuck that Iron Man bastard up with his eyes closed and both hands tied behind his back.

*light bulb*

I shall now retire to my boudoir.

Waaaay too homophoberotic Figgy. I'm officially offended.

Odnon., stop that. Your way with words is too adorable to speak of.

Snerb.

Teehee.

P.S.: I see your moniker retains a period, comme M. The Internet. Êtes-vous le même?

L'etat! C'est moi!

kayanne:
I am The Internet.
The period, or "dot" is an integral part of my being, hence it's inclusion in my name. This other fellow you mention is merely trying to ride my coat tails (srsly, wtf is an Odnon anyway?).
Now, if you'll excuse me, I am needed over at pandabang.org.
Thank you.

I'm delurking just to say: I've spent THREE DICKETY YEARS refusing to even acknowledge that there is a Team Edward or a Team Jacob, and my borderline-OCD need to finish what I start combined with that question sneaking in at the end has made it all for naught.

Thanks a lot, Rowles!

Fuck you, Internet.

The worst part is keeping track of them.

"And as noted in the previous Edward v. Jacob discussion, if we're talking Rob Pattinson vs. Taylor Lautner, it's Rob all the way. If we're talking about what I understand the vampire character vs. the werewolf character to be like (not having read the books), then it's Jacob all the way."

- Well exactly MM, and may I even say "totes obvs".

Also: I picked the s'plosioney option. Sorry, but I like my s'plosions. Especially if there's a dopey love story as well as a script that involves so many quips and one-liners it feels like every piece of dialogue was created by someone imagining how the trailer would sound like.

I'm not being sarcastic, either. That's what I like. What's makes them even more fun is AFTER the movie when all The Mocking starts, a la Pajiba. See also: TWOP or TGWG. It's a process. I actually watched "7th Heaven" just so I could fully experience the TWOP recaps.

P.S. You snobs stay on your side of the Internet. I don't want any trouble from you. Go talk about Goethe or something. No, I don't know who that is.

It's like juggling jackhammers.

Or chainsaws.

Or identities.

I'm just curious as to whom The Internet. is going to be staying with after the divorce? Tipper would be a bitch about you listening to that "rap music" and "downloading it from yourself." But I'll bet dollars to donuts Al would fucking brain you with a tire iron if you got super drunk and left all the lights and the fridge open in the kitchen.

Or futures.

Mother, she's just a stranger. She's hungry, and it's raining out!

Shut up! Shut up!

Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee! Reeeee!

Or futures.
Posted by: Marty McFly at June 4, 2010 2:12 PM

Butthead!

I either just got a pat on the back or was intelligently cut off at the knees.

*shoegaze* I think Tipper jokes are still funny.

Serves you right, whore!

I'm dead, you old bag! What more do you want?

Aw, shuuuuucks. I also love you for that song. But Edward's a sparkley little fuck and I hate him. RPattz I can take or leave, but Eddie Sparkles gets my GOAT.

Posted by: Biff Bates. at June 4, 2010 2:40 PM

I decided to read this as "Biff 'Bates" for added hilarity. I make no apologies for my adolescent humor.

I want my baby back (ribs)!

I felt the Tipper joke was great because the divorce announcement was so out of the blue, that most people haven't talked about it and so to see it used as a joke against the fake Internet (Al Gore's forgotten bastard child in the wake of Global Destruction), was perfect.

Posted by: Fetch Dickety. at June 4, 2010 2:42 PM

Will nothing be classy enough for you, Sir Dickety?

Yeah, you've got to be shitting me. I abstained from the last question.

I want my baby back (ribs)!

Posted by: Norman's Mom. at June 4, 2010 2:45 PM

barbecue chocolate sauce!

Kayanne, that's how I initially interpreted it, but got hung up on the "timely" bit when I realized that it's been a damn near 2 decades since the PMRC debacle MM mentioned. Kinda makes me want to dig out some old Twisted Sister and really paint the town red.

"barbecue chocolate sauce!"
Posted by: just for Kayanne at June 4, 2010 2:55 PM
For the WIN!

I saw that.

MM,

While it's true I haven't yet cracked into the 3-0's I do have memories of PMRC's hit single "Tips goes to Congress" and the mediagasm around it. I didn't really care at the time because the bands that chapped her ass the most weren't what I was listening to at the time and I didn't have stake in the fight. When my mom started using her logic and quotes to try and argue me out of buying The Offspring's first album, I got wise real quick.

Oh man . . . note to self: don't let DR lure you with candy. It will be worse than that dude with the van that one time.

Well I just had to google PMRC. Thanks, senior folks, for the enlightening wikipedia recommendation!

Megan Fox turned down Michael Bay's money and told him to fuck off. I will never say anything bad about her again.

Are you outtie 5000? ARE YOU?
Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at June 4, 2010 4:51 PM

It wishes!

Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Edward, without a doubt, The dude turned into a SMOKE MONSTER, what's not to like?!

You spelled Nathan wrong. But what I mostly hate you for is that Twilight question. That, and misspelling Nathan.

Edwards. I don't care about either character, but I'm always on Team WINNER.

i really, really love robert downey, jr. but something in that rolling stone interview made me feel like he'd be a little too intense for me--so i went with paul rudd--he'd make me laugh and i kinda need that right now...!

I was kinda shocked by the girl question. I had to go with Anniston, and ONLY for Office Space.

The guys, well, Paul Rudd. He seems like the guy who could be all literary snobby (guess which one I picked) at home, drunk frat boy at the bar, romantic dinner one evening, and then take me home and make me feel like a naughty naughty boy whore. . .

um, excuse me, I'll be in my bunk.

The women was much easier for me. Because it was one woman I like and four I am either apathetic about or can't stand, but then you gave us five awesome dudes. Un. Fair.

Went team Edward, because going team Edward is going team Cedric. And I do rather like Cedric Diggory.

Steve? You're frakking hilarious. I'm even more glad I chose Jacob now. Bwaahahahahahahahaa!