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Five Dumb Movies I Love Because Of TBS: The Superstation

By Joanna Robinson | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (61)

BEAST_MASTER-2.jpeg

You know that warm, glowing feeling you get when you meet someone who likes the things you like? “You enjoy ‘The Wire,’ you say? Me too! I was also struck by the compelling layers, the natural performances and the ultimate pay-off of each season. David Simon is truly a genius, a modern day Dickens.” It’s a nice feeling in this cold, harsh world. But doesn’t that warm glow turn to a fiery hot jolt of joy when that shared love is for something truly awful and dumb? As I trundle along life’s highways and byways, I find that the people I meet who love the following films earn my immediate and undying (until they kill it) affection. These are people who, like me, filled their ill-spent youth with TBS (my first love), TNT’s “Monstervision” (Joe Bob Briggs, call me!) and USA’s “Up All Night” (ultimately, too porny for my little eyes). Ah, cable, you raised me well.


Point of No Return

How much do I like this movie? So much so that I’m willing to risk my reputation (riiiiight) and admit that I like it better than the original, La Femme Nikita. Look at the cavalcade of stars! Anne Bancroft doing that sour and salty thing! Dermot Mulroney (never to be confused for Dylan McDermott) rocking the boho beard! Gabriel Byrne phoning it in, but using his Irish accent to do so! And sweet, sweet Bridget Fonda, trying so hard to be tough. This movie actually introduced me to Nina Simone and the art of seducing someone with ravioli. What more could you possibly ask for?


Summer School

Hey everybody, it’s your mom/grandma’s favorite elder heartthrob from “NCIS,” Mark Harmon! This movie is like Stand and Deliver only without any heart-felt emotion, calcooolusss, or Edward James Olmos. Also, I’m fairly certain Harmon neither stands nor delivers. That’s all I really have to say because I will not be baited into making any cracks about Kirstie Alley’s weight. Unless that counts. That doesn’t count!!


Airborne

You thought Point of No Return was star-studded? Check out a young Seth Green and a baby-faced Jack Black!!! Ok, you’re right, two “stars” does not a studding make. What this film does have, however, is blatant Rollerblade product placement, a poor man’s Zack Morris and a white knuckle race against “the preps” down Devil’s Backbone which is, as you know, only the most dangerous hill in the whole town. La ola es mia, bras. The wave is mine.


Teen Wolf Too

Picture that 80’s classic Teen Wolf. Now strip it of any subtlety (ha!) or metaphorical allusion to puberty. Yeah get rid of Michael J. Fox’s charisma while you’re at it. Okay, now add Jason Bateman and boxing and a giant choreographed dance number. Can you picture it? Now tack a “Too” on the end instead of a “2.” Oh, I don’t know why it was made either. Just sit back and let the cheese wash over you like a wave of…cheese.


The Beastmaster

Alright kids, all joking aside, I do like those other crappy movies, but my heart burns with a burning burny love for The Beastmaster. Marc Singer, the hottest Marc this side of Harmon, rocks the h*ll out of a loincloth as he swashes and buckles with the aid of the entire animal kingdom (especially those impish ferrets). This is what Prince of Persia and all the Mummy iterations wish they were. But accept no substitutes, especially if they lack a murderous Rip Torn and the dad from “Good Times” in a diaper. Oh, and for the lovers of scantily clad ladies, there’s a fiery Tanya Roberts. Seriously, somebody get me a pet ferret, like, yesterday.


Joanna Robinson is relieved she was able to round out this list without having to admit her fondness for Zapped Again!. Unless that counts. That doesn’t count!!!









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Comments

Phwooo...I barely escaped the Hate Celeb thread...I was gettin all worked up, rollin around in a pile o hot hate.

Hah... OK. Sanity returns.

Ice Castles. I spent a week housesitting for my mom and I was overwhelmed by all the cable choices so I stuck with the familiar. Robbie Benson is super easy on the eyes and skating is like visual marijuana...sooothing and mellooowww.

There's even a shot of Robby Benson in his undies. And Tom Skeritt (Skerrit? Hell if I know)

I watched it every day for a week. I felt rested and alternately very very old and positively adolescent.

Posted by: klingonfree at January 20, 2011 4:08 PM

I applaud your bravery. Admitting you have a problem is the first step. Would anyone else like to tell their story?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at January 20, 2011 4:09 PM

I actually saw "Beastmaster" in the theater. I also once had a rather lengthy and passionate debate about whether Marc Singer was born out of a cow in the beginning of that movie.

I was right, he was born from a cow. There are some things you just never forget.

Posted by: Forbiddendonut at January 20, 2011 4:12 PM

Beastmaster is the best of all the loincloth movies. You know the ones.

Posted by: sars at January 20, 2011 4:14 PM

I never even saw Beastmaster. I was just trying to be cool.

Posted by: becks at January 20, 2011 4:15 PM

Beastmaster:

1. I always got a Luke Skywalker vibe from Marc Singer's face, which sort of gave me the willies.

2. A lover (cue pic of ferrets poking their heads out of a sack). Snort! Yeah, I'm 8 years old.

3. It's kinds of like Game of Thrones, only with loinclothes and ferrets and eyeball rings.

4. So who got the job of dying the tiger black? Were they devoured?

Posted by: BWeaves at January 20, 2011 4:17 PM

$5 to the first person who can guess which two of these movies I have watched in the last month. No joke.

Posted by: superasente at January 20, 2011 4:17 PM

That first one is The Assassin here so I was lost for a moment there. Love that film though, and Beastmaster. Oh the ferrets!

How about Solarbabies? Jason Patric and Jami Gertz in a world without water and a floaty orb thing. Also, rollerskating.

Posted by: Carrie at January 20, 2011 4:20 PM

I'm gonna go Beastmaster and Point of No Return.

Posted by: becks at January 20, 2011 4:21 PM

Joanna >> We are 60 percent kindred spirits. Maybe a little more because you chose Beastmaster for the header pic, but maybe a little less for referring to these three masterpieces as "dumb." So we'll keep it at 60 percent.

Posted by: DarthCorleone at January 20, 2011 4:21 PM

Point of No Return was the first "nikita" movie I happened to see, so in my mind I always considered it the original. Also, it introduced me to Nina Simone as well.

Posted by: sean at January 20, 2011 4:25 PM

1. I'm right there with ya on the Beastmaster. Ferrets 4EVA!!

2. I've never even seen numbers 2-4, and, honestly, I don't feel the need.

3. I hate to use the word "blasphemy" and attack other people's irrational movie loves, since I have so many of my own, BUT: even contemplating that someone could appreciate the Bridget Fonda version over the original French version of Nikita hurts my heart.

Posted by: MM at January 20, 2011 4:37 PM

"Calcooluss." I never thought anyone would quote that. Ever.

Posted by: junierizzle at January 20, 2011 4:37 PM

Solarbabies! Yes! Somebody else remembers it!

Posted by: Jami at January 20, 2011 4:43 PM

Posted by: Sean at January 20, 2011 4:46 PM

Summer School is a damn classic. "C, C, C, C, C, C, C,...PENCILS DOWN!!" and "You passed and I didn't?!You DICK!"

I've always liked Point of No Return better than Nikita because Bridget Fonda is freaking gorgeous.

Posted by: TylerDFC at January 20, 2011 4:49 PM

USA UP! all night...Gilbert fucking Gottfried...memories. My sister and I still quote Summer School sans shame.
Rock n' Roll High School should totally be on that list though.

Posted by: the bees knees at January 20, 2011 4:50 PM

Ohmygod, Solarbabies, I kinda thought that was a fever dream

Posted by: the bees knees at January 20, 2011 4:52 PM

JoJo, you're like a Liquid Drano Wannabe Bullwinkle. Totally stylin'.

Posted by: jM at January 20, 2011 4:54 PM

I fucking love the Mummy (first movie), and I'm not at all ashamed. I will watch that thing any time it's on.

Posted by: dsbs at January 20, 2011 4:56 PM

Beastmaster....sweet vindication! Now I don't feel like I'm the only one who lost his shit when Chevy Chase donned the loincloth.

I need more Joanna.

Posted by: Nostromo at January 20, 2011 5:01 PM

becks, Beastmaster now only makes me think of Community.

Tell me about the Beatles, Pierce. Tell me about Woodstock.

Posted by: dsbs at January 20, 2011 5:02 PM

HOLY SHITBALLS OF BOLD ITALIC FIRE!

I used to make a mishmashed Snuggie abortion out of an old robe and a threadbare blanket to pretend I was one of those wingy bat people that wrapped their wingy arms around unsuspecting folks and gargled them up with digestive juices and then opened their arms and let all the bones come jangling down over the stumpy feet leftovers!

I USED TO DO TH... waitasec - I USED TO DO THAT, BUT FORGOT ABOUT IT!

I'd do it by myself too. Just me and my lame-ass bathrobe. Swooping up behind my sister's Cabbage Patch Kids and gargling them up with my digestive juices*

This opens the door as to why I drank the pain away throughout most of my adult life.

Beast Master Bat-People...

Damn.

(*usually gum-spit)

Posted by: Skitz at January 20, 2011 5:05 PM

DUDE!
Airborne was filmed all over my city. It's like one of 4 times Cincinnati shows up on the big screen. I have a bunch of nerdy friends who show up as extras in that movie so I'm obligated to love it.

Posted by: Blank at January 20, 2011 5:09 PM

The best part about Summer School is that it's Harmon's first headlining role, just after his popular and acclaimed run on St. Elsewhere. It's a good thing he was already filming The Presidio when this came out, otherwise he would have had to return to TV a lot sooner (Chicago Hope).

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 20, 2011 5:09 PM

Beastmaster was so awesome that I forgave Beastmaster 2 and 3.

Posted by: Fredo at January 20, 2011 5:10 PM

Dragonslayer. Always and forever.

Posted by: Three-nineteen at January 20, 2011 5:24 PM

In the early 80s, HBO showed movies--but only one or two a month in nearly endless rotation, it seemed. "Beastmaster" was one of them. Others included "C.H.U.D.," "If You Could See What I Hear," and "The Pirate Movie."

Posted by: KateNonymous at January 20, 2011 5:30 PM

For your reference:

Dylan McDermott ≠ Dermot Mulroney
Charlie Sheen ≠ Michael Sheen
David Keith ≠ Keith David
Bob Dylan ≠ Dylan Walsh
J.T Walsh ≠ M Emmet Walsh
Ethan Hawke ≠ Josh Hartnett
Danny Huston ≠ Danny McBride
Jim Belushi ≠ John Belushi
Helen Hunt ≠ Leelee Sobieski
Amy Adams ≠ Kristen Wiig
Stellan Skarsgard ≠ Peter Saarsgard

Posted by: John W at January 20, 2011 5:47 PM

I freaking LOVE airborne and totally forgot until I saw this...
The wave IS mine, man!!!

Posted by: T.Biggs at January 20, 2011 6:02 PM

Rowr, Mark Harmon. Summer school is definitely where we fell in love. Unfortunately, I'm under 30.

Posted by: Something Witty at January 20, 2011 6:06 PM

All of these movies suck. Except Beastmaster, which is twelve kinds of AWESOME! Just, um, don't watch any of the sequels...those are ass.

Posted by: Case at January 20, 2011 6:15 PM

Beastmaster! I remember it making me want to buy ferrets, but no one in Honduras seemed to know what the fuck a ferret was.

My TBS movie? Mannequin 2. Oh, yeah.

WE CAN BUILD THIS THING TOGETHER.

Posted by: figgy at January 20, 2011 6:16 PM

Marc Singer in a loincloth.

Now you know why his TV project was called V.

Posted by: The Wanderer at January 20, 2011 6:17 PM

YES for Point of No Return. I remember seeing it as a kid and being fascinated by "The Cleaner". You call him in and he pours industrial strength bleach on the body to melt it? Whaaa? I always got TNT and TBS confused but below are the cheese-tastic shows that got me through sick days when I stayed home from school. As you will probably be able to tell, a lot of them are from the "Movies for Guys who Like Movies". In no particular order:

5. Point of No Return
4. Bloodsport
3. The Cutting Edge
2. Just One of the Guys
1. Major League

Posted by: brdkelli at January 20, 2011 7:11 PM

Two words, Ice Pirates.

Posted by: clancys_daddy at January 20, 2011 7:55 PM

I've seen Just One Of The Guys about five times, that actress is so beautifully androgynous and I kind of love her.

Posted by: snapnhiss at January 20, 2011 8:08 PM

Beastmaster is fucking awesome. It's so awesome, I just added it to my spellcheck dictionary!

Posted by: John G. at January 20, 2011 8:22 PM

How awesome is the Beastmaster? I saw it in the theaters when I was 12, and when Marc Singer showed up in that loincloth it immediately made me gay. No lie.

I recently got the DVD for old times' sake and... damn, that was a shitty movie, but so shitty it turned awesome, overshot, skidded back around to shitty, overshot THAT, then finally came to a stop right back at awesome. It's that shitty.

Posted by: Neil Morse at January 20, 2011 8:40 PM

Beastmaster and Red Dawn were in almost constant rotation on TBS for awhile. Where "awhile" equals 1983-1997. I'm pretty sure my brother watched them every time they aired, which explains a whole lot about his life.

Posted by: Wednesday at January 20, 2011 9:14 PM

Oh...Koto and Poto! *sigh* Why do I remember the ferrets' names?

Posted by: Isaphoebe at January 20, 2011 10:47 PM

so happy for the Beastmaster love. i only found a copy recently. this was a vhs staple in my youth.

Posted by: idleprimate at January 20, 2011 11:06 PM

How about Solarbabies? Jason Patric and Jami Gertz in a world without water and a floaty orb thing. Also, rollerskating.

Posted by: Carrie at January 20, 2011 4:20 PM

I saw this a very long time ago (1986, get off my lawn, etc.) after eating a huge Sunday supper and was totally convinced that I hallucinated the whole movie. I'm not sure if I'm relieved or not... Scary.

Posted by: Uriah Creep at January 20, 2011 11:47 PM

snapnhiss, I love Just One of the Guys. LOVE.

I have a whole trove of crap movies that I will watch the hell out of were they to appear on TBS (if I still had cable).

Airborne is definitely one of them. It was on Instant Netflix last year and I just sat back and soaked it in.

Mannequin (1, not 2), Solarbabies, Hunk (terrible movie, he makes a deal with the devil and is made attractive, just trust me), any bad dance movie (Girls Just Wanna Have Fun, Fast Forward, etc), any terrible Swayze movie (Roadhouse, Youngblood, which also features Rob Lowe), Little Monsters, The Monster Squad, Fright Night . . .

God DAMN I loved TBS and TNT and USA. Rhonda Shear ruled. And I would stay up SO LATE to watch this shit. I'm pretty sure that this all plays into my favorite game of "Oh my GOD what was he/she in?!? They're so OLD now!"

Also, The Boy Who Could Fly. Because fuck and yes.

Posted by: MyySharona at January 21, 2011 2:59 AM

Also, The Boy Who Could Fly. Because fuck and yes.

Oh my god yes! I haven't seen that in so long.

Posted by: Carrie at January 21, 2011 4:31 AM

I loved Beastmaster. Marc Singer was great in that film. But what I really remember was his hot love interest. And you know, the sad thing is, since I always caught it on TBS I don't ever think I ever saw the original unedited version. Me wonders if there was any nudity. There had to be. Those old school sword and sorcery flicks always delivered with the T&A.

*checks wikipedia then does google image search for 'Tanya Roberts Beastmaster nude'. Rejoices to find stills from topless river scene*

God bless the Internet.

Posted by: Muteki at January 21, 2011 6:05 AM

I loved Summer School and happily watched my VHS copy over and over again.

I recall Chainsaw and Dave were like a prototype Bll & Ted.

Chainsaw: You passed and I failed! You asshole! How could you do that to me?
Dave: It was an accident. I'll take it again. I can fail, I know I can.

Posted by: Simon at January 21, 2011 7:22 AM

thank you for the airborne fueled nostalgia trip. i watched that movie constantly with my brothers as a kid. it was the reason i started roller blading

Posted by: mandatron at January 21, 2011 9:08 AM

First thought I had when I saw Point of No Return was "That's the movie that introduced me to Nina Simone" and there it was in your description. Loved that movie but no one should go through life not experiencing Nina Simone.

Posted by: annie at January 21, 2011 9:42 AM

Summer School gets my undying love for no ther reason than introducing Fabiana Udenio to my teenaged dreams. And thus, my great lust for Italian women begins. Culminating in, of course, Monica Bellucci.

Tragically, I am apparently much older than you. I actually saw all these movies at the theater. Yes, I paid my hard-earned allowance to enjoy these movies. Except for Teen Wolf Too. I couldn't do that to myself.

Posted by: Darth Darko at January 21, 2011 9:55 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqVg8fy8R0

James Spader, Kim Givens, Robert Downey Jr., leather jackets, Jack Mack and the Heart Attack, dancing and butt-long hair.

Just sayin.

Posted by: annie at January 21, 2011 9:55 AM

annie, that looks seriously bad. Like REALLY bad.

I feel embarrassed for everyone involved. It's that kind of bad.

Posted by: MyySharona at January 21, 2011 10:58 AM

Posted by: brdkelli at January 20, 2011 :
3. The Cutting Edge

Toe pick!

And Moira Kelly was one sexy rich girl.
~~~

Posted by: Meander at January 21, 2011 11:37 AM

You take that back, MyySharona! Fright Night is not crap! It's just horribly, horribly dated...and a little bit cheesy...and that one kid was a terrible casting mistake. But it has quality scares and an amazing Roddy McDowall. Love that movie.

God, Beastmaster. I had it on VHS and watched it over and over. "Ar has spoken; he wants your children!" Best quote EVER.

Posted by: Joanna at January 21, 2011 11:43 AM

I cannot BELIEVE!!! you left Ice Pirates of that list!

Posted by: elzupasmonkey at January 21, 2011 12:35 PM

My best friend met Beast Master at a con. A few weeks later I got a card in the mail, inside was a picture of Marc at the table looking aged, but happy someone was taking his picture. On the back she wrote in bold letters, "He was born of a cow!"

I wasn't expecting it and almost died when I flipped the picture over. Beast Master is one of the great/awful movies that we watch when she comes to visit, needless to say I have one of the greatest best friends ever!

Posted by: Mebe at January 21, 2011 2:16 PM

Beastmaster, The Pirate Movie, The Cutting Edge, Eddie and The Cruisers, and Streets of Fire.

Love them and loathe them for the amount of times they played on HBO when I was babysitting. I think I really I just love them especially for Marc Singer, Kevin Kline, toe pick, The Dark Side, Micheal Pare and Lee Ving.

Posted by: soupd at January 21, 2011 3:55 PM

I've never actually seen The Beastmaster before, but if it has ferrets AND black tigers, I'm in.
Also, any movie whose trailer uses the word "fantasmagorical" deserves to be seen.

Posted by: Ellemar at January 21, 2011 7:09 PM

Joanna, I only semi-take it back. The reasons you listed make it crap, but the great things are redeeming.

I love love LOVE the long freaky vampire nail reaching out to seductively press play on the tape deck. It's such an odd shot and it sends me into giggles every time.

What are your thoughts on the remake, by the way?

Posted by: MyySharona at January 21, 2011 8:25 PM

beastmaster..
mark singer..

the best thing i ever saw him in..
a pbs version of
taming of the shrew!
it definitely predates beastmaster...
he was excellent!

betcha din' know he could do sweet will, and do him justice? >:)

Posted by: kikz at January 22, 2011 10:08 AM

opppziez.. i think it might've been called

kiss me, kate

Posted by: kikz at January 22, 2011 10:09 AM