Five Dumb Movies I Love Because Of TBS: The Superstation
Hey everybody, it's your mom/grandma's favorite elder heartthrob from "NCIS," Mark Harmon! This movie is like Stand and Deliver only without any heart-felt emotion, calcooolusss, or Edward James Olmos. Also, I'm fairly certain Harmon neither stands nor delivers. That's all I really have to say because I will not be baited into making any cracks about Kirstie Alley's weight. Unless that counts. That doesn't count!!
You thought Point of No Return was star-studded? Check out a young Seth Green and a baby-faced Jack Black!!! Ok, you're right, two "stars" does not a studding make. What this film does have, however, is blatant Rollerblade product placement, a poor man's Zack Morris and a white knuckle race against "the preps" down Devil's Backbone which is, as you know, only the most dangerous hill in the whole town. La ola es mia, bras. The wave is mine.
Teen Wolf Too
Picture that 80's classic Teen Wolf. Now strip it of any subtlety (ha!) or metaphorical allusion to puberty. Yeah get rid of Michael J. Fox's charisma while you're at it. Okay, now add Jason Bateman and boxing and a giant choreographed dance number. Can you picture it? Now tack a "Too" on the end instead of a "2." Oh, I don't know why it was made either. Just sit back and let the cheese wash over you like a wave of. . .cheese.
Alright kids, all joking aside, I do like those other crappy movies, but my heart burns with a burning burny love for The Beastmaster. Marc Singer, the hottest Marc this side of Harmon, rocks the h*ll out of a loincloth as he swashes and buckles with the aid of the entire animal kingdom (especially those impish ferrets). This is what Prince of Persia and all the Mummy iterations wish they were. But accept no substitutes, especially if they lack a murderous Rip Torn and the dad from "Good Times" in a diaper. Oh, and for the lovers of scantily clad ladies, there's a fiery Tanya Roberts. Seriously, somebody get me a pet ferret, like, yesterday.
Joanna Robinson is relieved she was able to round out this list without having to admit her fondness for Zapped Again!. Unless that counts. That doesn't count!!!