Pajiba

I heard* that Mila came home smelling like Miss Portman's sweet nethers some months back and Macauley accidentally called her "Natalie" during a spirited session of love-making. They tried to make it work, but alas.

*No I didn't.

Just imagine if Cooper and Zellweger have a child. An emu face crossed with a scrunch face. Wild maniacal eyes crossed with permanently squinty eyes. Please God let them be using birth control.

What? Didn't you hear: I'm the second bitchiest person in the history of Pajiba. I have a reputation to maintain.

AMBER TAMBLYN AND DAVID CROSS??????

What in the fuckity-fuck is going on there?

Also, you forgot....

John Mayer and all white celebrity vajajays

Kim Kardashian and her ass

Valerie Bertinelli and the guy who is NOT a Van Halen

Then it seems fitting he should score a Pop Princess.

There were a bunch of blind items a few months ago about a rising tv-to-film starlet cheating on her long-term former child-star boyfriend with a singer-turned-actor on the set of their new film while said boyfriend was on the other side of the country. I knew it had to be Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, but I didn't remember she was dating Macauley Culkin until this morning.

Thank you for thinking so Kballs, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

And so the battle for elegant eloquence of 2011 begins. . .

Don't get in their way - PaddyDog and KBalls will cut you and bag you up Dexter style only to dump you off the coast of Miami in trashbags as they sings songs of victory aboard their vessel, A Big Ass Slice of Life, as a Godtopus flag waves in the wind that reads "All Hail Some of the Bitchiest People in the History of Pajiba."

I just hope we don't have any Liddy's taking shots from the shore because we all know what happens to Liddys who go too far. . . You know who you are.

Then it seems fitting he should score a Pop Princess.

Oh god, that was painful. Well played, Madame J.

I was momentarily stymied by the Cross/Tamblyn thing, but then I remembered that I don't give a plummeting fuck about either of them. They are an exercise in irrelevance.

I still find it hard to believe that Emily Deschanel and Rickety Cricket are married.

There were a lot of cookies. In the Pajiba cookie to commenter ratio, I think I handed out at least 6.

Clarification: Gyllenhaal has gone from being the supposedly-closeted gay man to cradle robber. How is this transition measured? Progress? Regress? Stasess?, but I digress. Where is the egress?

Just imagine if Cooper and Zellweger have a child. An emu face crossed with a scrunch face.

And now we know the origins of the majestic platypus.

That's really mean. Sorry, platypus, I shouldn't have gotten you mixed up in this. Maybe we can work this out over a nice frittata.

For the last time, I AM NOT A DEER!!!!!

Nor a dear either!

BAM! Another bad pun.

1) Mila, there's no way Culkin is fucking you the way you need to be fucked.

2) Bradley you can do better.

3) I thought Anna Paquin was into eating pussy?

4) Amber Tamblyn and David Cross, who cares.

5) I didn’t know Jake Gyllenhaal liked women?

Amber Tamblyn and David Cross??? I did not know that one. Wow, what an um interesting? mix.

Bad timing, my friend. Mila and Macauley have split! Perhaps we could do a "celebrity break-ups we had no goddamn clue existed until recently slow news day."

http://www.pinkisthenewblog.com/2011/01/mila-kunis-macaulay-culkin-are-dunzo

I could've sworn Anna Paquin said she was a lesbian...

Great, that's all the world needs: Another dopey-faced lesbian.

I was bummed to realize I already knew about all of these. Jesus christ that's a lot of wasted brain space.

Taylor Swift will nibble Jake G. until he is ready to add to her dam.

(there's a lot going on in there -- see if you can find it all)

Hey DOOM70,

Dustin doesn't control the content of his ads, as mentioned about 7,438 times in previous comment threads. If you're such a "longtime reader," howze come you don't know dat?

So keep spamming every post and hating the thing that keeps one of your "favorite" websites functioning at a high level*, and we'll pretend you don't need to fuck all the way off.

The exit's right over there, assdouche.

'Balls Out.

*subject to interpretation

Rowles, it's MacaulAy, not MacaulEy. I'm sure his parents agonized over that spelling. As a responsible journalist you should be ashamed. Perhaps you should send a fruit basket to him in atonement. Yes, I'm sure he would enjoy that.

Attractive emus, you meant to say. And the odd ostrich for variation.

First of all, I'd eat the shit out of an elephant. Dive right in like a goddamned badger.

Second, Andy Rooney sucks dead commie tits. I want to burn that dingleberry off his lip, but not before I ask him how one acheives such a stomach-churning adornment.

Third, Twilight is beyond my notice . . . no it isn't. It's saccharine garbage geared toward teenagers with no self-esteem and housewives that wish they were still teenagers with no self-esteem. You want to be banged by a dead guy and a dog? Prove it. Fuck this dead dog. Look, it has a death boner and everything. DO IT!!! Yeah, that's what I thought. Get out of my face. You disgust me.

And finally, George Carlin is beyond reproach. I'll brook no guff here, you ungrateful turkeys.

Pookie is right. There is no way Mila Kunis has had a good fuck in 7 years unless she cheated on Culkin.

YAY!

If I must choose between "sucks" and "beyond reproach" for Carlin, then I am in the "beyond reproach" camp.

Dustin, you have forced Mila and Culkin to call it a day.

You jerk.

I did not know that Mila and Macaulay were dating, and now that I do, I am REALLY SADDENED that they have broken up, because I LOVE the idea of that pairing. LOVE IT.

Please get back together, kids. Do it for me!

I wonder* if Fes introduced Mila to Culkin when they were making that god awful Party Monster movie.

*By wonder, I mean "Don't give a fuck". I just wanted everyone else to be reminded of that movie too.

I could've sworn Anna Paquin is barely out of childhood

I didn’t mean it like that Kballs, the older folk in my family love Carlin. I’m from a different generation, a generation that thinks farts are high comedy. Please accept my apology, I was misquoted, I don’t want to get sideways with you.

that god awful Party Monster movie.

(I secretly love that movie. Shhhh sh sh sh sh.)

Bless you Dustin. Ignorance must have been bliss. But now you are one of us.

Jake Gyllenhaal and Tyrone.

FTFY

I knew about all of these relationships because I visit all the sparkly, shiny gossipy blogs and the only one that had me going Fuck the What?! was Amber and David (because she went from tall, built random dj dude with mad skillz to---HIM). I mean, I loved the living f*ck out of Tobias in AD but I never, and I do mean NEVER, wanted to f*ck the loving life out of Tobias. Just, Joan of Arcadia and Tobias together is just not right!

Macaulay and Mila was another head-scratcher for me but only because I too was certain that he was so very gay. And because he always looks like he has had nary a drop of sunshine hit his skin and he's just so very unattractive. I mean, there's the quirky attractive and the goofy attractive and even the awkward looking attractive, etc. I can find ways to look at ya and think that there's something about ya but good old Macaulay? I draw a blank every time.

Taylor and Jake? Godtopus (another shot!), he must have been drawn to her sparkly youth and Lisa Frank appeal but even then? You know what, f*ck it. He dated Kirsten "Floppy Tits" Dunst so I shouldn't be surprised.

Yes, I am drinking of the Haterade but I am doing so because I have a taste for it.

Indeed.

Not that I want to give a rat's left nut, but Taylor Swift is 21 and 'ol Jake is 29. Not too nasty hmmm?

Where is the egress?

I believe it is attempting to leap from Stephen Moyer's arms into Anna Paquin's cleavage.

Jake Gyllenhal is merely living out his boyhood fantasy of banging a kewpie doll. This, too, shall pass.

Daria,

♥

Kisses,
Mrs. Julien

Does Bradley Cooper not know he's Bradley Cooper? I mean he could be having sex with attractive women.

I'm pretty sure he does. He has a douche face. One look at him and you can just tell he's a jackass.

.....ummm

Amber Tamblyn and David Cross?

.....ummm