Pajiba

And here I am...28...not married...don't have any kids, and I think MY life sucks.

Thanks for taking one for the team, buddy.

Whatevs. You should shave your head, that'd make you cool...

You know you're truly getting old when it seems all the people bitching about getting old are younger than you are.

Holy shit. My brothers-in-law could have written that song. Not me though. My hideous eyesight means gas station sunglasses are out of the question. Astigmatism FTW.

tonight, you dropped the ball

Anyone who thinks they can do better should write their own column. The end.

Happy birthday, Robert sir. As DarthCorleone said, you are younger than I, so I have limited sympathy for you. However, I have no children, so I can go wild and crazy tonight and drink myself silly and tumble into a gutter somewhere... and then wake up tomorrow morning and go to work. Yeah, maybe not.

Happy birthday. Lemme point out something to you: you have passed the point on the parabola of life where it is possible, in any way, for you to be cool.

You can try, but you'll fail, and you'll only be lamer for trying.

Now you can embrace this fact, embrace all the uncool aspects of your life like driving a minivan and having the ability to name ALL the Disney princesses without skipping a beat, or you can lament it. Which do you choose? Choose carefully, this is important.

And know that someday, if you've chosen well, you can make use of the Betty White Effect, that power to be cool just by sticking around and being uncool for so damn long.

Alexander the Great was one month shy of 33 when he died. So what have YOU accomplished, boy?

What Soulless Merchant of Fear said.

Seriously dude: You, me, Robert Scott -- we should arrange a play date.

Wait'll you hit 53, grandpa. I could tell you stories that would make you cry. Like how you can stand at the urinal for an hour but as soon as you zip up that last drop is going down your leg.

Hey, my neard is not going to trim itself.

turning 58 end of Oct. I've long since come to grips with my own mortality as I see the various bits of my life spinning out of control.

Laugh if you will, but until you need chemical enhancement just to get excited...well STFU!

Now, get off my lawn! Damned kids!

"Such shit is, in fact, a crisis of masculinity for a lot of men."

Too bad. Because really, isn't the very definition of masculinity being the foundation of your family and being successful enough at being a man that you can provide for them?

And quit whining. You have enough money to support your family, have a man cave, own movies and a vehicle, you are far wealthier than the majority of the world.

Too bad. Because really, isn't the very definition of masculinity being the foundation of your family and being successful enough at being a man that you can provide for them?

The definition of masculinity is confused as hell. The source of much dad-griping is the radical shift that comes in defining what makes one a successful and good man when one becomes a father.

One idea of masculinity is domination. To be a successful man means to enforce your will upon the world as much as you can -- have a cool job, the respect of others, win women, and so forth. If you can't do that, if you don't get what you want, you're a failure as a man. Win, goddammit!

(Please note that I'm not endorsing this as a good thing. This is my interpretation of what's going on in men's heads, what's actually there rather than what we want to be there. And yes, I'm speaking in gross generalities, but come the fuck on, who here isn't?)

Contrast this with the masculine ideal of the provider, the good father: constant sacrifice of the self for the good of others. Rather than follow your own desires to lead to greatness and manhood, you now suppress or sublimate your own desires for the good of your family.

That these are almost complete opposites should be obvious. Moving from one version of masculinity to the other isn't a quick or easy thing. Consider: you're brought up and educated by society that Being A Man means one primary thing. Then, when parenthood arrives, you have to pull a full reverse. Gonna be some inertia there. The first ideal doesn't die quickly or totally.

Yes, it's possible to make the adjustment, and most fathers worth a shit do. Yes, it's possible to configure a version of masculinity that conflates the two. Yes, not every man feels one or the other version of masculinity applies to them. Yes, yes, yes. But this particular gripe is so common that I think my interpretation is basically correct.

In short, menfolk are human -- and thus we can and do hold multiple, contradictory models of behavior in our heads, and they conflict. As with womenfolk, our desires and society's demands often fail to line up. These conflicts create stress. That stress sometimes burbles up as cries of "WHAT THE FUCK?"

Thus, silly rants about arson, diapers, and shotguns. Frustration at screwed-up and incompatible models of behavior has nothing to do with material wealth. Material wealth means that such gripes need to be kept in perspective, certainly, but that does not mean we should ignore the emotions as irrelevant. (Open up that line of logic, and all human emotion among most Americans aside from giddy joy becomes irrelevant whining. Feh.)

I totally agree with Peachfish. What you have described is the real definition of masculinity not the Hollywood caricature of masculinity. The Hollywood version of masculinity is in reality selfishness, immaturity, irresponsibility, and faithlessness.

One of the most attractive qualities about a "real" man is his commitment to and love for his family. Don't let Hollywood's distorted view of manhood warp your reality and make you feel dissatisfied with what sounds like a lovely, fulfilling life.

You know what the best thing about being a Dad in the 21st Century is? You don't have to play by anyone's rules and you don't have to be defined by what society expects of you. Fuck Ray Romano and Kevin James. Fuck the Dad Life video that half a dozen married female Facebook friends have posted in the last six months, even if certain aspects of it resonate. You may share some things in common with these archetypes of middle-class fatherhood but you are in no way limited to or defined by this bullshit sitcom dad existence.

It's your life, and you only get one. Own it. Choose it every day when you get up. You damn sure better be living it on your own terms or else you're going to be no good to yourself or the people close to you. If you want khaki's and a patio set from Home Depot, buy it for you. It doesn't mean you have to become the punch line in every funny-cause-it's-true Dad cliche. If your kid likes Dora and Handy Manny to the point that you can name all the side characters, that's fine. It doesn't mean you can't still play her some Warren Zevon or Tom Waits or David Bowie at bedtime. You define what being a Dad is, what 'bedtime song' means.

Fatherhood is awesome. Kids are amazing. They are little pieces of you mixed in with little aspects of a beautiful woman you once had sex with who literally built a fully functioning human being out of your 26-chromosome money shot and a lot of really interesting food combinations over the course of about 36 weeks. And now this fucking thing is talking. And not only that, but thinking and feeling and expressing her own little wants and needs.

Is it work? Hell yeah it's work. It's constant day-in, day-out responsibility for the collective well being of all the lives under this roof. It's putting yourself last until you know that the people you love are taken care of. I used to read Pajiba because I loved movies, even bad movies, and I loved discussing the movies I saw. Now I rarely get to watch movies and I've had the same stupid Netflix disc on the DVD shelf for about three weeks and it isn't even that good of a movie- it's Youth In Revolt- and so now I come to Pajiba and read about movies as a substitute because I can't actually get out to see them. Doesn't matter. This little science experiment who runs around quoting Yo Gabba Gabba songs and who loves taking bubble baths is totally worth it.

So Happy Birthday, Rob. I know it isn't always easy and I reach that breaking point, too, where you just need them to shut up and sleep already so you can go catatonic in front of the TV for 90 minutes before climbing up to bed just to replenish almost enough energy to do it all over again the next day, but don't forget the freedom you have to be exactly the kind of Dad you want to be. Exercise that freedom, and define fatherhood on your terms. Your co-workers and family members may see you through this prism of domesticated middle-class sitcom Dad but your kid doesn't have all those preconceived notions and social baggage, she's just going to see you. Be a Dad.

Think it's hard when they are yours? Try step kids. I love them dearly but my Godtopus do they take a toll. And yes, you have to sacrifice to be a parent. It's part of the deal. I'm sacrificing right now and will go on sacrificing for a few more years because I refuse to out my personal interests ahead of those of my kids. But dealing with the biological father, who is a raging prick by the way, is enough to make one pine for the days of singlehood.

I don't give a shit what hollywood says, no one BUYS INTO anything. There is no magical transition from beer soaked weekends to playdates at the putt-putt. There just comes a point where the beer soaked weekends don't do it for you anymore ALL THE TIME. My attitude hasn't changed, my interests haven't changed, I'm just more responsible because I have to be. I never thought I would be here, but I am radically far from the person I was when I was 22. And that is a very good thing believe me. I'm 37, have a 10 and 13 year old, a brilliant and wonderful wife, and we all really have a lot of fun together. Whether it's watching horror marathons or hiking in the woods. It's not Ozzie and Harriet, but it could be a lot worse. For a while there it was but I wouldn't trade them for anything.

Bottom line is, you can be your own person and still be a father. A mini van is not you. As a great man once said, you are not your fucking khakis.

Happy birthday, Robert!

The wife,kids,mini van, the 9 to 5, but you forgot to mention the extensive porn collection you have hidden away from the wife.

Damnnit! I knew I should have Googled that.

Gotta say, at the end of this post I was kinda left wondering "And? So?" It definitely started with some potential but put-putted to the end. I agree that the ball was dropped on this one if it was meant to introduce some kind of "Dad's Side Stories" type of column. However, since I'm an old school Pajibite I'll check in with the next post and see if you can't recover the fumble and make the conversion. As a stay at home dad, Pajiba fan and off and on writer, I'm curious to see where this goes.