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Dustin Has Officially Lost It

By | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (54)

straight jacket.jpg

I don’t know why or how I got here. The only thing that I’m absolutely certain of is that I answered a Facebook message on Thursday and the next thing I know, I’m typing up what supposed to be a semi-daily column of sorts and I’ve got a headache with a heaping side of anxiety and feel suspiciously unclean. Mind you, that could just be from the gigantic in-law invasion of the weekend previous but I’m more inclined to believe that Dustin is far more skilled at Internet coercion than we are led to believe.

I’m usually game for anything so I figured why the hell don’t I give it a shot. But first I had a few questions and I needed a few questions answered. What do you want it to contain? What am I allowed to write about? Does writing for an American business automatically qualify me for citizenship? Does this constitute the first advance in the Great Snowy Invasion? Can I get paid in Eskimo kisses and whale blubber? How do you feel about the overuse of hyperbole? These are the things that kept me up all weekend. I would suppose that the copious amount of liquor and food combined with the constant din of thirty-plus people as they ate me out of house and home didn’t help either.

I was quite surprised by the response I received from our illustrious leader. I could write about whatever I wanted, post Monday-Thursday and, if I wouldn’t mind, could I relate it to pop culture once in a while? I considered asking Dustin if he had really thought this through or if he’d been into the peyote patch again, but I figured if he put too much thought into his decision he’d realize he’d just given a spot to a militant communist with no regard for the rules and regulations of The Man. Also, Canadian law pretty well absolves me from any responsibility for my actions, as our legal system is more like a loose conglomeration of polite suggestions of what a person should consider not doing than any real deterrent for deviancy.

So there you have it. I’ll be word salading all over Pajiba in the evening with whatever may come into my maple syrup-addled brain and perusing the comments section for your expected praise. Please note that I’m always receptive to constructive criticism and I’ve got a large circular filing cabinet right beside my desk where I will store all of your suggestions. I’ve also vowed to reduce my usage of profanity as I’m a real anonymous Internet personality now and that type of shit is just plain unprofessional for a nobody of my stature. Since this is my first attempt at this writing thing and I didn’t have a metric fuck ton of notice I’m at a bit of a loss as to how this ends so I’ll fall back on what I know best: hardcore Canadian nudity.









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Comments

Welcome, Robert! We'll try not to molest you... too much.

Posted by: vercordio at July 19, 2010 8:46 PM

I've been living in the States for a while now. Does "hardcore Canadian nudity" still require the presence of Gordon Lightfoot?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 19, 2010 8:47 PM

*sniff* You had me at hardcore Canadian nudity!

Posted by: meaux at July 19, 2010 8:48 PM

Welcome Robert! (Are you insane?)

I think your second post should be about Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Him in suits, in particular. And you can talk about Cillian Murphy in a suit as well. As us female folk have noticed, there was much suit-hotness in Inception and I'd appreciate an entire discussion dedicated to this matter. Lets talk pin stripes, the advantage of Italian silk over light wool, Windsor knots (single and double) and, of course, French cuffs.

We can round the debate with photos. And end with a collage of Bond in tuxes.

But mostly it should be all about Joesph.

Respectfully submitted,
Scully

Posted by: Scully at July 19, 2010 8:53 PM

I KNOW WHO YOU REALLY ARE BOBBY SCOTT!!!!

Posted by: replica at July 19, 2010 8:53 PM

So now the inmates are runnin' the asylum, huh?

Posted by: MelBivDevoe at July 19, 2010 8:54 PM

OMG, what is the ratio of Canstandian to GOODGODFEARING American writers on this site now?
Sheesh.

Posted by: Lainey at July 19, 2010 8:54 PM

Great. My computer already smells of maple syrup and hockey when I bring this site up. What does hockey smell like? Victory!

Posted by: Mrcreosote at July 19, 2010 8:58 PM

I answered a Facebook message on Thursday and the next thing I know, I’m typing up what supposed to be a semi-daily column of sorts

Damn! All of my facebook messages are about the mafia or fucking farm animals.

Oh wait, that's my email.

Shh don't tell anyone.

Posted by: mswas at July 19, 2010 9:01 PM

Posted by: Nicolae at July 19, 2010 9:01 PM

Well, we've outsourced our action heroes (Ryan Reynolds), comedians (Mike Myers) and All-American blondes (Pam Anderson) to the northern folk. Why not our snarky bloggers?

Wait...what is there in Canada to be snarky about? The Stanley Cup continually staying with us?

Posted by: Fredo at July 19, 2010 9:04 PM

Ohhhhhh! Low blow there, Fredo.

Posted by: meaux at July 19, 2010 9:05 PM

I agree with Scully. Wholeheartedly. JGL and Cillian Murphy. Yes.

Posted by: kate the great at July 19, 2010 9:21 PM

So, we've got Michael Murray, Feist, and you (whoever you are)... and Replica does a lot of artwork, she's from Canada, right? Um, the Canadians are seriously taking over this damn site. No, like, seriously. Sort of like in Hollywood. ("What? He's Canadian?!?! She's Canadian?!?!" WHAT THA FUCK?")

So, I second Scully's suggestion of discussing men's fashion a la Inception style - thus being timely and pop culture-y. If we could get BWeaves to run through that whole "Gentleman's Guide to Taking Off a Suit" routine again, that would be excellent.

Thanks for listening!

Posted by: MM at July 19, 2010 9:23 PM

Lainey, regardless of the actual ratio, we use metric so we're definitely in the majority now.

Posted by: admin at July 19, 2010 9:32 PM

I second Scully's suggestion.

Posted by: denesteak at July 19, 2010 9:48 PM

Son of a diddly. I wish I was Canadian! And could write coherently about pop culture! DAMN MY PISS POOR ABILITIES!

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 19, 2010 9:50 PM

Robert,

Gee, I only wish Dustin hit the "peyote patch" once in awhile! The man spends too much time criticizing offensive movie posters, disturbed actors and dumbass critics (heat gettin' to ya, Dustin?) & needs to kick back & chill with the family a bit.

But anyone who questions his taste in writing talent obviously hasn't visited this site on a regular basis.

I'm already looking forward to more of your 'brain droppings', as George Carlin once said (though not much anymore), and be sure to keep my name in your circular files as reference to one of your earliest ass-kissers-
never hurts to get in on the bottom floor*

Your Newest Fan

*and yes, crude commentary on that last paragraph is encouraged

Posted by: abliac at July 19, 2010 9:57 PM

Oh, and congrats to you, Robert Scott. IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. And if you aren't an anthropomorphic moose.

Posted by: Pinky McLadybits at July 19, 2010 9:59 PM

Hey, welcome to pajiba! So far, so good!

Posted by: Mebe at July 19, 2010 9:59 PM

So, this hardcore Canadian nudity involves mentioning nudity, but no actual evidence of nudity? Yep, that sounds about right.

Posted by: tamatha at July 19, 2010 10:26 PM

Well, there goes the neighborhood.

P.S. I third(ish) Scully's suggestion, and respectfully request that we also throw a little Tom Hardy in there as well. Thanks!

Communist.

Posted by: Anna von Beaverdouche at July 19, 2010 10:38 PM

Scully,

Windsor knots. Hell fucking yes. It truly is the best of all tie knots.

Fellas, if you don't know what a Windsor knot is, get to googling.

Also, Mr. Scott, you are insane, but we knew that already. I'm looking forward to your ramblings.

Posted by: (Not so)Blonde Savant at July 19, 2010 10:50 PM

Welcome aboard. Makes me glad I'm back in Canada for my Pilgrimage so I can toast this in style. Maple syrup shots on me tonight, eh!

But not literally. Sticky syrup body-shots are just ill-advised in bear country.

Posted by: NoDice at July 19, 2010 10:51 PM

I'm open, pass the puck!

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 19, 2010 10:54 PM

Uriah Creep: No stereotype ignored ©

Posted by: Uriah Creep at July 19, 2010 10:55 PM

What Scully said

Posted by: Even Stevens at July 19, 2010 11:20 PM

Scully! YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

Oh, and hello Robert =)

Posted by: gee. ay. at July 19, 2010 11:44 PM

Whee! You know we can take over any time now, right?

Posted by: Cindy at July 19, 2010 11:59 PM

Yay! More Canadians! Welcome!

Oh, and by the way,
"I've been living in the States for a while now. Does "hardcore Canadian nudity" still require the presence of Gordon Lightfoot?
Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 19, 2010 8:47 PM"

A "Gordon Lightfoot" is a euphemism for a particularly nasty sex act involving poutine and maple butter and.. well... I'll leave the rest to your imagination..

Posted by: Odnon at July 20, 2010 12:03 AM

There are tons more where he came from, my amurrican friends, so just keep the moose jokes to a minimum.

Posted by: Brenton at July 20, 2010 12:30 AM

Brenton! East Van represent!

*fist bumps and Pho Van, fella!*

Posted by: replica at July 20, 2010 1:00 AM

I don't get it...

Posted by: DeistBrawler at July 20, 2010 1:01 AM

I second Scully's vote!!!

Posted by: AgoGo at July 20, 2010 1:40 AM

Is it cold in here? Either a Canadian just walked in or I'm wearing my crotchless khakis again.

*looks down*

Fucking Canadians!!!

Posted by: Kballs at July 20, 2010 7:57 AM

Having played hockey for years, I can assure you, hockey smells like moldy gear, rubber matting and cold.

Posted by: Christy at July 20, 2010 8:56 AM

Hey Robert! Take off, eh! And I mean that in a very "I hope your column really takes off" way, and not in a "Get lost" kind of way.

MM, this is for you! Please imagine Candian Nathan Fillion in a suit and following these instructions.

BWeave’s instructions on doing the perfect Mantease:

1. Make sure you are acting like a gentleman, set the mood, lighting, offer her a nice drink (no roofies), and put on soft music.

2. Take your jacket off, slowly. Work the shoulder. Fold the jacket in half lengthwise, and drape it over the back of a padded chair.

3. Loosen the knot of the tie, and undo the top button of the shirt.

4. Now slide the short end of the tie out of the knot. SLOWLY. And let the knot undo itself as you lengthen the fat end of the tie infront of you.

5. Now, SLOWLY pull the tie out of your collar by pulling the fat end down and out. Work it! Work it! It visually works as a penis getting longer and wider.

6. Fold the tie in half widthwise and drape it over the coat.

7. Ask her if she has everything she needs.

8. Undo the buttons of your shirt cuffs. Even better if you have French cuffs and can hand her your cuff-links.

9. Undo the shirt, one button at a time.

10. Undo the belt buckle and top button of the pants, and the as you take off the shirt, REMEMBER TO WORK THE SHOULDER. Make sure your undies don’t ride up and show. Use toupe’ tape to keep the waistband in place, if necessary.

11. Slip your shoes off. Plan ahead and wear fancy loafers. Leave the socks for later. Toes are icky.

12. Sit down next to her and stroke her arms, her neck, behind her ear. Give her a backrub. Lots and lots of 3-play (it’s like fore-play on the legal bits).

13. If you’ve gotten this far, you can take your pants off yourself. Try not to cry when the toupe’ tape gets yanked off.

Posted by: BWeaves at July 20, 2010 9:28 AM

hardcore Canadian nudity.
---
Having seen SparkleTits, MORE! MORE! MORE!

Also I'm not surprised at the Candiania around here. Dustin's a Mainer and that's a province of Canada, right?

Posted by: , at July 20, 2010 9:31 AM

You have thirty in-laws?

Are you a polygamist?

Posted by: PaddyDog at July 20, 2010 9:37 AM

Not yet PaddyDog but I'm always up for new experiences. I use it as a generic term for my wife's brothers, sisters and their spawn.

Posted by: admin at July 20, 2010 10:03 AM

BWeaves that was just...perfect. Is there a glass of scotch or gin sitting on the dresser? Ice softy clinking as it melts in the alcohol? And how does he smell? Is it a gentle scent; lickable almost?

Us Pajibettes....we're got great fucking taste.

Posted by: Scully at July 20, 2010 10:07 AM

Not to get off-topic, but, Robert since you are unabashedly Canadian, why don't you bring some of that pop culture to our attention? What are your thoughts on Trailer Park Boys? Ever watch Slings and Arrows? Whatever happened to that Kids in the Hall TV mini-series I read about like two years ago? You guys still makin' that bacon?

Posted by: RobP at July 20, 2010 10:38 AM

Oh! And, you can have Seriously Random Lists where you rank the hotness of Canadian celebrities. Of course, Cobie Smulders would always have to be number one...

Posted by: RobP at July 20, 2010 10:40 AM

I always knew the Canadian invasion would be quiet and pervasive. It began with William Shatner and Alex Trebek and now extends its sneaky little tentacles into Pajiba.

The bad news is there's nothing we can do to stop it. The good news is, at this rate, we'll all be dead before we become the 14th Province.

Posted by: Wednesday at July 20, 2010 10:45 AM

Can I get paid in Eskimo kisses and whale blubber?

Dammit, now we'll lose the down payment when we have to cancel the delivery of whale kisses and Eskimo blubbler.

We even ordered you your favorite: Humpback.

Posted by: branded at July 20, 2010 10:52 AM

@Odnon

Well that gives new meaning to "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald".

@Christy

I may not get to live in my own country, but I can tell you that in New Jersey the water tastes like a hockey bag smells.

Do any of the others stuck in the States find that their Canadian kith and kin love to point out how Amurrican you are becoming even though you keep trying to tell them that it is like a KNIFE IN YOUR HEART? My brother even says things like, did you notice that I haven't commented on your vowels?

On some even more specifically-Canadian ex-pat post, I will tell the story of having to soothe my crying Jersey boy son and repeat over and over, "You're an American, you're an American." becuase I had the temerity to suggest that he was Canadian AND American.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at July 20, 2010 11:41 AM

I wholeheartedly agree with Scully's suggestion.
I don't even care if we "discuss" dapper gentleman. Pictures of said gentlemen looking dapper is enough.

Posted by: ninetwenteetoo at July 20, 2010 11:48 AM

Welcome!!! Don't worry, we don't bite... Much...

Posted by: SarahReznor at July 20, 2010 1:18 PM

man between all this talk of JGL in his suits and BWeaves's excellent Nathan Fillion mental image, well... wooo, is it warm in here or is just me?

Posted by: Even Stevens at July 20, 2010 1:20 PM

Thank you, BWeaves, you are a woman of obvious talent and good taste.

Plus, I like that you threw in "(no roofies)".

Also, muscled ball dude. (Wha?)

Posted by: MM at July 20, 2010 3:04 PM

BWeaves made me swoon.

Posted by: MyySharona at July 20, 2010 5:50 PM

A new writer for anything pop culture, huh? Welcome.

Don't mind the date rape jokes, they come with the territory.

Posted by: Robert at July 20, 2010 6:58 PM

Welcome Robert.

Hope you can find grain alcohol by the gallon over there in Canada.

You'll need it.

Posted by: Big Softie at July 20, 2010 7:49 PM

Not yet PaddyDog but I'm always up for new experiences. I use it as a generic term for my wife's brothers, sisters and their spawn.

Posted by: admin at July 20, 2010 10:03 AM

So, if I'm reading this right, our new contributor, Robert Scott, is the EE known as admin? Right on, this should be an excellent series!

Posted by: Smokey at July 20, 2010 8:27 PM