I fucking see how it is with ol’ Nick. Just cause I’m a Jew, that fat fuck thinks he don’t need to leave a little something something under my tree?
Yeah, I got a tree. And not just in a pot. That fucker’s got roots, son. Been growing it in the living room for two years now, hoping it’ll open up a portal to Faerie one of these days. Ain’t done shit so far but keep me up at night with all its rustlin. …Still can’t figure out how the hell it rustles inside without no wind.
In any event, fuck you, Jolly. Cause I woke up this fine Christmas morning to find that the tree was calm, and a gift was waiting for me. Not from you, as you well know, reindeer fucker. Nope, this fine gift was courtesy of the internets. And now I’m a-give a gift by sharing my find with all these fine degenerates who’d rather spend Christmas day in Paheeba land than hang out with their families, or go to the movies and get Chinese food, or do whatever their wonted holiday thang is.
So blow me, Santa, cause you’re an asshole-eooo-eooooyeeeyeeeeo. (He’s an asshole, such an asshole.)
Look, if you don't like Chinese food, get the hell out, I am not even joking.
The Ref is easily in my top five Christmas movies.
And don't try to make me like Denis Leary again. Nope, we are done. We're over.
Okay, he won me back with that bullshit about Willem Defoe. Seriously.
Posted by: greer at December 25, 2008 10:59 AM
Yes but Jews take it to a whole different level. Sometimes when I watch Top Chef and Chinese food is on the menu, the Jewish host's eyes light up. I love Chinese food myself, I used to date this oriental lady and sometimes in our make out sessions she would put duck sauce on my man-hammer and lick it off.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 11:03 AM
Jewish host of Top Chef? Colicchio? No. Padma? Not likely. What the hell, Pookie?
And I hope you cut that woman loose because she was wasting duck sauce. I am guessing you ran out of egg rolls?
Posted by: greer at December 25, 2008 11:13 AM
Oh my dear sweet greer, don't take what I say so literally about Top Chef. But I'm serious about my former girl friend, she was hell on wheels, we would do some of the most outrageous shit known to man.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 11:24 AM
So long as she promised to like it off, Padme could pour anything short of hot lava on me.
Posted by: Tracer Bullet at December 25, 2008 1:31 PM
Oh yes Jay, she was amazing. But what turned me on the most about her was that whatever conversation we were having she would always steer it towards talking about sex.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 1:55 PM
Leary should have played Hancock.
Posted by: puppetDoug at December 25, 2008 2:14 PM
Sweet Jesus on a poo-poo platter, you're lucky you survived a woman like that, Pookie. I'd be extreeeeemly careful never to piss off a hellion who has access to both your won-ton and the Chinese mustard.
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 25, 2008 5:46 PM
*-Sweet and sour Jesus on a poo-poo platter.
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 25, 2008 5:57 PM
Holy Catwoman! Eartha Kitt died.
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 25, 2008 6:20 PM
She was 81 when she died, so sad. She was a blast in Eddie Murphy's Boomerang.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 6:47 PM
?Padme?
Are we back on "greatest natural racks" again, not that I mind? Good lord, watching her eat, and enjoy it, gives me dirty, dirty thoughts. And Nigella.
Padme / Nigella '12
"I'll be in my bunk."
Posted by: BierceAmbrose at December 25, 2008 8:00 PM
Yes, I love me some Padme she's sexy as hell, especially with that scar on her arm. You just know she's all crazy and shit. You gotta bring the pipe to satisfy her ass, motherfucker.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 8:25 PM
Hey Pookie: Happy holidays, man. Hope you're *sets it on a tee* feeling Merry.
You too, Bierce.
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 25, 2008 9:05 PM
Thanks B, Happy Holidays to you as well. You are only one of a few on this goddamn website that I would waste my time responding to. In these dark and treacherous times our enemies plan our defeat B, but the gods know otherwise. For you to wish me goodwill shows me that civility is not dead, live long and prosperous B.
Posted by: Pookie at December 25, 2008 10:13 PM
Many thanks for that, as well as for too many funny and thought-provoking comments to count this year. Of course, the same goes for just about everybody here. You guys and wenches are the best!
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 25, 2008 10:43 PM
I spend the majority of my day looking into my soul, I'm searching for something but I don't have a clue as to what I'm looking for or at. At this point in time I'm nothing more than a small insignificant piece of whatever, looking for whatever, running from whatever, craving whatever.
I remember as a kid in junior high school my father would have us kids read books about philosophy and religion, he was a minister, a corrupted man, he knew he was corrupted. But he was very intelligent, he had two masters and was on his way to getting a doctorate, but for whatever reason one day he stopped in mid stream. Fucking Lakers finally Beat Boston, big deal, they should have done that shit in the finals.
In a strange twist of fate, I had Chinese food for Christmas dinner. Yes, I'm Jewish. Why do I suddenly feel like this is a DNA thang?
Posted by: BWeaves at December 26, 2008 9:16 AM
Hey Pookie: "I remember as a kid in junior high school my father would have us kids read books about philosophy and religion, he was a minister, a corrupted man, he knew he was corrupted. But he was very intelligent, HE HAD TWO MASTERS and was on his way to getting a doctorate, . . ."
OK, I got to the TWO MASTERS bit and thought, "Minister, two masters, the Devil and Jesus?"
Posted by: BWeaves at December 26, 2008 9:19 AM
The usual at the MIL's, sofia: ham on a roll, smashed taters, Mrs. Daddy's broccoli salad, cranberry stuff, and the chicken wings. For some reason the MIL has to have chicken wings when we all get together. And they have to be from Ponderosa, of all places, even if somebody has to drive an hour to get them.
So who got what presents?
I only got two, but they're excellent: a replacement pair of Bearpaws slippers for the 3-year-old pair I literally wore holes in (keeping my feet toasty as we speak, and I highly recommend them), and a case of beer. Well, it was $25 in an envelope. Same thing.
At my instigation many years ago, we pretty much cut out the large-scale gift-giving among adults (some of whom are impossible to shop for and have everything they need anyway) in favor of going out to dine and converse together, and to concentrate finite resources on the kids -- a daughter, six nephews, a niece and now a great-nephew.
Works for us.
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 26, 2008 9:41 AM
We had rib roast, sofia. With mashed potatoes, gravy, peas and biscuits. Although Chinese is looking awfully good for dinner tonight. Somehow I got a craving.
Posted by: greer at December 26, 2008 9:41 AM
I just realized that's Henry Owings at Criminal Records up there. I feel so world-famous-in-Poland!
We had salmon, shrimps, abocado mousse, green beans, and tomato with mozarella on top, and for dessert, we had a yummy thingie that had oreos and manjar (or dulce de leche -- doesn't matter; gringos don't have it). We also had fruit.
We don't give away presents in my family, so I only got a book about street art from my sister/godmother, a lottery ticket from my mom (I shit you not) and 50 bucks in an envelope from my dad. Oh, parents...
I had curry goat, peas and rice, ham and collard greens. I had to put atkins off to the side for a day, and now I'm back on the wagon.
Posted by: Pookie at December 26, 2008 9:54 AM
I'm bored at mt mother's and waiting for my friend to call so we can hang out, so I'll play.
Dinner: turkey, stuffing, fried shrimp, some sort of tortellini that I ignored, my aunt Eileen's ceasar salad, and my aunt Brenda's thumbprint cookies which taste like they're baked by the baby Jesus himself.
My mother refuses to acknowledge that we're not little kids anymore, so she still buys us a lot of shit. Best gifts from her were a vacuum (shut up, I desperately need one), a peacoat, and a really cool soup cookbook. My brother bought me Jim Henson's The Christmas Toy, which made me squeal, and my sister bought me a sangria set and a sushi press. Sushi and alcohol, she knows me so well.
I bought my brother Troma's Poultrygeist, so that's what we did last night. I laughed so hard I had an asthma attack.
Posted by: Julie at December 26, 2008 10:25 AM
I had baked ham, kielbasa, stuffing, mashed 'tatoes, various finger foody things (bacon-wrapped shrimp was the bomb) and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Didn't open presents til right before dinner though cuz I spent all of Xmas eve in the emergency room cuz of my sister. 9pm Wed through 6 am Xmas day. Weeeee!
Posted by: PissBoy at December 26, 2008 10:30 AM
...ham and collard greens
Damn, Pookie, can you call a sista next time? No one in my family likes collard greens but me.
Posted by: greer at December 26, 2008 10:39 AM
Oh yes Greer, I love me some collards. I'm quite the Chef, maybe you can pay me a visit. Is there a Mr. Greer anywhere in the picture?
Posted by: Pookie at December 26, 2008 10:53 AM
Pookie, there is a Mr. Greer who does not like collard greens.
Posted by: greer at December 26, 2008 11:35 AM
Jim Henson's The Christmas Toy...
Eeee! The movie that laid the foundation for Toy Story. Rugby Tiger was the business in those days. I wanted a tiger just like him. Still do, dammit.
Posted by: Goldie at December 26, 2008 11:37 AM
Guys her name is Padma. I thought you guys were talking about Nat Portman in Star Wars for a second there.
Posted by: kayla at December 26, 2008 12:08 PM
Padma, Padme, tomato, tomata. And for the record Kayla, we're guys, when we're talking about broads it really doesn't matter if we get their names exactly right.
Posted by: Pookie at December 26, 2008 12:18 PM
Christmas dinner:barbecued shrimp and cheese grits. My dad, his girlfriend and her son went out to a seafood restaurant for Christmas dinner. My family's too small to try the whole holiday spread, especially since my brother goes to his wife's family every year. Eating out takes care of that getting-rid-of-leftovers problem, too. GF is nice enough. Her son, though, is a little slow, in a Forrest Gump kind of way. I have to remember to be patient when I speak to him. It's easy to get annoyed with him and then snap at him.Problem is, he thinks he and I have a relationship because our parents are dating. Believe me, there is no chance of that happening.
Gifts:Dad gave me a check. Brother and sister-in-law gave me a Christmas figurine and a bookmark. I like both, but I've already got tons of figurines and bookmarks, already. I give them gift cards. I wish they would do that for me. Maybe we should just stop giving each other gifts altogether.We're all hard to buy for, and he's about to be laid off.
Posted by: rlr260 at December 26, 2008 12:47 PM
I had frozen pizza for dinner by my self on the eve and the same with my father and stepmother on the day. I tried to convince my father that Chineese food was a good idea. He didn't go for it.
I did get a cashmere scarf out of the deal, that I am wearing right now. (as I flipped over the tag to check the spelling of cashmere, I read the tag. 100% acrylic, made in Germany...) WHAT THE HELL? ::grumbles:: cheap bastard, and I spent so much money on those RC intergalactic dueling Space Marines!
Posted by: Morgagod at December 26, 2008 1:05 PM
It's time for... PAJIBA LOVEFEST
I'm sure you all have a couple of links they wanna share (please?) with the rest. Here's mine.
I had a Cup Noodles and an entire bag of Pirate's Booty for Xmas dinner. For Xmas breakfast, I had another bag of Pirate's Booty, and no I am not kidding.
Got money from my grandparents, a B&N gift certificate from my sister, and nothing from my parents. Hmm...
Posted by: Sabrina at December 26, 2008 1:57 PM
For Christmas dinner I had pierogies... from a box. They were fucking awesome though. I got a hundred bucks from my dad, but mostly it was a sorry-you're-stranded-here-when-I-have-to-work-while-the-rest-of-your-family's-in-fucking-Miami pity gift. Which I'm totally okay with.
Posted by: jM at December 26, 2008 2:15 PM
Happy Boxing Day, everyone!
I was lucky enough to have 2 dinners yesterday. It was hot. For dinner # 1 (@ pseudo-MIL's) we had roast pork and sauerkraut, chicken parts, mashed 'taters, green beans, a veg casserole with corn, cauliflower and broccoli, some kind of crazy delicious fruit salad (Ooh! I just remembered I brought some of that home, which I am going to go eat RIGHT NOW), and a cake which was technically for my birthday and that of pseudo-SIL's fiance.
Then, we went to my aunt's house, where we ate baked brie and shrimp and other cheeses and crackers for appetizers, then delicious pasta with red sauce and cheese, twice-baked potatoes, some kind of steak-y stuff that was so freakin' good with gravy and some other stuff in there, and I don't even remember what else 'cause it was all so damn good. We couldn't even really stay for the many desserts arrayed on the groaning dining room table; we were so full and sleepy we had to go home and lie down.
We also don't really do the presents thing except for the little kids, who loved their books and shirts from their Auntie AvB, but pseudo-Mr. and I still like to live each other lots of presents. He gave me a whole stack of DVDs and Nintendo DS, and I gave him a pair of slippers, the calender I give him every year (it has pictures of pretty waterfalls from all over the U.S., which he loves), and XBox 360. We are both quite happy; last night I sat next to him on the couch playing Mario Kart while he figured out GTA 4. It was a lovely way to end the day. Oh, and my mom gave me a check, so today I can shop for accessories and more games! Wahoo! I hope everyone else has a lovely, lovely day today! (Also, I hope that most of you don't have to work, like me! I love my new job!)
The other Christmas dish.
HA! Sofia, my love, I just snorted so hard that the pseudo-Mr. came running to see if I was okay. He also enjoyed your post.
Posted by: Anna von Beaverplatz at December 26, 2008 2:16 PM
Well, dinner was really good, and the dessert was awesome (Mr. Gavin makes divinely buttery and flaky pie crust), but it followed a day of working really hard on a box of See's chocolates accompanied by a bottle of Asti, which is just more candy in a bottle. So all I really want now is to detox my kidneys.
Posted by: Gavin at December 26, 2008 3:02 PM
Happy holidays to you as well bucdaddy. Please pardon the tardy. Real life intervened. I hate that. And in the two spirits of the season, bonhomie & schadenfreude:
Happy holidays to all, in terms of whatever gods, goddesses, titans, elemental forces, urges, demiurges, demitasse and social or secular imperatives make it work for you. (I mean, after Godtopus.) Me, I'm celebrating the solstice,
I'm celebrating mostly by mocking the chronically over-indulged suddenly confronted with the message of "The Little Drummer Boy" vs. selling "The Little Drummer Boy" to greater fools, everybody buying on margin. (Or substitute whichever abuse of sentimentality & inspiration sticks most in your craw. I could get as worked up about pulling the entirely appropriate fangs from a scary pagan seasonal festival. Scary is part of life. So are fangs, sometimes.)
Anywho, goodwill toward most, in their own terms seasoned with just enough sardonic to make a holiday treat. (So many adjectives sound like spices, don't they? "Nascent" has a bright flavor, don't you think?)
As a holiday gift I got the best cook-pot ever (Really.), and I've been watching the "Top Chef" marathon (Mmmmmm Padma.) while writing (at) a piece on the current financial spasm.
I'm actually cautiously optimistic for the coming year. Under duress the slider moves more toward talent and results than trendista fashion. Our troop of hosts, eloquents and hangers-about may find themselves better appreciated in a more demanding world if not easily rich, lottery-style. "To rule one must learn to find the good in all events" to paraphrase the hero from Braveheart. Longshanks was the hero, right?
Onward . . .
Longshanks / Caligula '12
"Back to basics."
Posted by: BierceAmbrose at December 26, 2008 4:03 PM
Due to unfortunate timing and circumstances, I was alone for Christmas, BUT, I had my awesome Pajipals to keep me company on fb. I ate grilled cheese and played movie line trivia games. Good times, good times...
Damn you, jM, now I want pierogies. BAD.
Posted by: Lainey at December 26, 2008 4:47 PM
AvB, Your present's coming Tuesday. Oh damn, I gave away the surprise ...
Posted by: bucdaddy at December 26, 2008 5:57 PM
I keep thinking of David Sedaris saying "it's nothing I'd want for myself...", though the roast and twice-baked potatoes were good. I found a good excuse to flee home early in an emerging head cold and medication making me numb and spacey, but that's not that great a win. "I'm gonna go home and party!....on my couch in a half-conscious daze".
I always forget that there's a new year's day dinner too. Oh the ties that bind.
(there's not much that's really unpleasant about my family, I just don't have a lot of fun with them)
What the fuck is it with Jews and Chinese food?