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'Cane Toads Ride Massive Python' is a Story With the Most Horrifying Twist of 2018

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | December 31, 2018 |

By Petr Knava | Miscellaneous | December 31, 2018 |


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Hey guys! How’re you doing? Only a little while left until the decade that is 2018 finally lurches across the finish line, transforming its punch drunk self into what is sure to be a fresh and vigorous, healthy and benevolent, sunny and generous 2019!

via GIPHY

Of course ‘only a little while left until 2019’ betrays my region-specific perspective—big up Greenwich Mean Time!—and while I’m stuck here in my own little chrono-bubble, some brave souls around the globe have already taken the plunge into 2019. If I squint and look Eastwards for example I can just about make out the folks out in the Pacific islands waving their hands and shouting, ‘No! Don’t! Don’t come here, it’s even worse! Stay where you are!’

At the time of writing Australia is still a few hours away from 2019. I have to be vague there as it’s a bit complicated with Oz, what with the country-continent-island being so goddamn mahoosive that it stretches its sun-drenched self out across multiple time zones, but yeah—they’ve still got a little bit to go. By the time this piece goes up most of it will probably have slipped past the event horizon, but what I love about Australia is that you can always rely on them to provide in the ‘Argh! Kill it with fire!’ department, no matter what the hour or time of year. They’re generous like that.

What am I getting at? This. This is how Australia decided to close out 2018:

The cane toad has…a particular reputation. It is the world’s largest toad, and it is an insatiable omnivore—to the extent that unlike pretty much any other frog species, the cane toad will gobble up deceased creatures as well as living ones. They’ll eat living and dead reptiles, rodents, birds, invertebrates, other amphibians, plants, and even stuff like dog food and household waste. Basically anything you throw in front of it, a cane toad will shove down its gaping, unthinking maw. Native to Central and South America, the cane toad was introduced to a number of countries throughout the twentieth century, often for pest control purposes, and usually with intense regret and horror following shortly in its fat-arsed slimy wake. Over twenty countries now class it as an invasive species.

Apart from being insatiable habitat-destroying bastards cane toads are also crafty little slimeballs, as evidenced by that horrifying tweet of them using a goddamn python as an emergency taxi to get away from a flood. Let’s look at that again. The absolute state of this:

But here’s the thing. Here’s the twist that really sums it all up. The bit of extra info that really puts the f**k you cherry on top of this dungheap cake. Those toads? They’re not just hitching a ride on that python.

They’re trying to f**k it.

Because yes of course there is a video. Here, happy holidays:

I feel that, like the cane toad, Australia has a very specific reputation in the popular consciousness. The degree to which it is accurate and earned could be debated, but I think if we really needed a phrase to sum it up then ‘Those fu**ing cane toads are trying to f**k that fu**ing python while a bunch of other hypemen toads in the background cheer them the f**k on’ might just do the trick.

Actually, you know what, I think that also sums up 2018 as a whole.

Happy 2019, Australia. Keep on being you. Happy New Year, everyone else.



Petr is a staff contributor. You can follow him on Twitter.



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