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Can We Talk? Twitter Has Grown Weary Edition

By Howie Decker | Miscellaneous | November 12, 2013 | Comments ()


showbiz-matthew-perry.jpg

Time once more to pull various people, ideas, and cultural institutions aside and ask: Can We Talk?

Opening themes of my kids’ favorite shows: Can We Talk?

Because of you, I know the hours of operation at Doc McStuffins’ practice (she’s currently in, and she’ll fix you up), I’m quite aware of who’s got the power (the power to read), and thanks to Jake and the Neverland Pirates I’m aware that “Yo, ho!” is no longer just a salutatory acknowledgement of an in-the-vicinity lady of the night. I’m going to keep using it though, Disney can’t have ALL the good hooker calls.

Any chance you could be a little less catchy? The kids will still watch. I just don’t need your theme stuck in my head all day. I’d prefer not to “Climb aboard, get ready to explore” when I’m paying bills online. I want to rage-budget unfettered, and not set to the Little Einsteins theme. Sometimes I sing you out loud. At work. You’re making me look like a fool.

Endcaps at Target: Can We Talk?

When I’m strolling through the store and I see multiple endcaps comprised solely of a newly released video game, some experimental Mountain Dew flavor, Family Size Doritos and Slim Jims, and marketed as “America’s entire weekend” I get sad for the people of this nation. I get sad for today’s kids (and grownups) who were born just one generation away from knowing what it’s like to play with their friends outside all weekend, building forts in the woods and pretending to battle imaginary Russians or aliens with cap guns. Just one measly generation away from assembling epic Wiffle ball or street hockey games and looking forward to sleepovers where the closest they’d get to “screen time” was the Twilight Zone rerun they’d stay up until 11:30PM to watch. God, they were so close.

Listen, I know I’m not in the demo that you’re targeting — I haven’t purchased a video game since the controllers had 5 buttons. But when I see you I think about how things are marketed, and how today’s kids will never know it was any different, any better. Video game systems in dark basements are the new backyard, Dorito dust-caked fingers the new knee scrape. I know it’s not your fault, endcaps, but it makes me sad. Can we go back to you displaying seasonal foodstuffs and impulse cleansing needs?

Twitter: Can We Talk?

I know what you’re thinking, here comes another asshat who wants to interview me about going public. Nope! I’m not much of a financial type, my “portfolio” is a Trapper Keeper with a Lamborghini Countach on it. Anyway, I’ll cut to the chase — you’re beginning to suck. Two and a half years ago, I finally created an account mainly to follow Major League Baseball writers and Matthew Perry. Since then, I’ve “met” some really cool people, and being on Twitter has even led to some real life meetups with folks I’ll hopefully maintain long-lasting real life relationships with. I’ve grown weary of you, though, and here’s an example of why — the other day, someone actually tweeted this:

“What’s your favorite kind of potato?”

We all know you play host to more inane bullsh*t per second than Etsy has knit caps, but come on. The potato tweet almost led to my still inevitable William D-FENS Foster Falling Down Twitter moment, when I finally abandon my account in the middle of a gridlocked freeway and go tear a second shift McDonald’s employee a new one for denying me a hash brown at 11:35AM.

Here’s a request: Stop letting people tweet questions that they are only asking because they want to tell people their own answer. That’s annoying. Make it so that if one of your users is hard pressed to ignite a potato-based conversation, they at least have to start a mildly amusing hashtag like #PutPotatoInAn80sSitcomTitle because that’s your last vestige of utility.

I know, I could just unfollow the offending parties, but then I’d have to unfollow everyone. See, the problem is that once a comfort level is established between a tweeter and their followers, they start tweeting things that even their closest real life loved ones wouldn’t give a crap about. I’m guilty of it, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m turning to you for help, Twitter. And no more promotional tweets about new video games, you’re just encouraging the Target endcaps.

Howie Decker (@HowardTheDeck) is the publisher of UnderScoopFire, a site that admittedly takes Garbage Pail Kids and M.U.S.C.L.E. figures way too seriously.





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Comments Are Welcome, Bigots and Trolls Are Not


  • badkittyuno

    your opening paragraph got the little einstein's theme in my head. i'm not sure if that's bad or good, since it's replacing the constant stream of "Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol" that's normally in there...

  • DeaconG

    What is this "XBox" thing?

  • TenaciousJP

    Regarding the catchiest kids theme songs, I submit The Cat in the Hat on PBS with Martin Short.

    Here we go, go, go, go! On an adventure!

    The Thingamajigger is up and awaaaay!

    Here we go, go, go, go! On an adventure!

    We're flying with the Cat in the Hat today!

  • JenVegas

    To which my only reply is:

    Bob the Builder
    (Can we fix it?)
    Bob the Builder
    (Yes we can)
    Bob the Builder
    (Can we fix it?)
    Bob the Builder
    (Yes we can)

  • NynjaSquirrel

    Well, I know that in the US there are basically 'potatoes from Idaho', but in the UK we're spoiled for choice when it comes to the humble spud, with most supermarkets carrying half a dozen varieties as a minimum. Personally my favourite is the Maris Piper - great for chips, roasting and baking, though some prefer a more waxy potato verses the fluffy ones. Yes, they all have differing textures and flavours - no longer shall the downtrodden spud be... downtrodden.

  • bastich

    My favorite potato is Mister.

  • What is going on here?

  • e jerry powell

    Box 3-5-0
    Boston Mass
    0-2-1-3-4
    Send it to ZOOM!

  • Ben

    This entire article basically reads like "Old man yells at cloud"

  • I'm the curmudegeonest 37 year old you'll ever meet

  • Long_Pig_Tailor

    Potato Ties.
    Diff'rent Potatoes.
    ALP(otato).
    Silver Potatoes.
    Designing Potatoes.
    Potato Wonder.
    Potato Court.

  • I would tune in faithfully to Potato Court, no TiVo required.
    "No, YOU'RE out of order!"

  • Feralhousecat

    Remington Potato
    Hill Street Potato
    Jake and the Potato Man

  • MissAmynae

    The Potatoes of Hazzard
    The Potatersons
    Potato and the Hendersons
    Mama's Potato

  • Guest

    Don't forget Golden Potatoes, for the aged-spud crowd.

  • John W

    Twitter grew weary around April 2006.

  • Repo

    Who's The Potato?

  • Scott Baio

    Potato in Charge

  • MissAmynae

    Who's the Potato? #PutPotatoInAn80sSitcomTitle

  • buell

    M*A*S*H* Potato

  • Bert_McGurt

    Potato CHiPs?

  • Al Borland's Beard

    Potato Buddies?

  • Brooke the Replicant

    Potato Strokes.
    Perfect Potatoes
    The Potatoes of Life

  • googergieger

    Stop having sex with that potato.

    It would have made sense if they picked up my awesome eighties family sitcom.

  • Feralhousecat

    Growing Potatoes?
    Punky Potatoes?
    *Redacted for Scott Baio*
    Oh god, what have you DONE? There goes my evening.

  • *maniacal laugh

  • MissAmynae

    Potatoes' Company
    Potato Rider
    The potAto Team

  • Feralhousecat

    The Golden Potatoes
    Kolchak the Potato Stalker
    Quantum Potato.

    I am doomed.

  • MissAmynae

    Potato P.I.

    Movie- Potato Academy 5: Mashin' to Moscow

    Oh lord, what hath this thread wrought....

  • Some Guy

    Mashin' to Moscow was the 7th Potato Academy movie. Part 5 was Assignment: Potato Beach. You know, the one Steve Potatoberg wisely avoided.

    What a F up that would have been for him huh? Potato Academy 5 destroyed the careers of all who touched it...

  • MissAmynae

    ...damn...my joke was a spud. Should've checked the Internet Movie Taterbase.

  • bastich

    I'll always have eyes for potato puns.

  • Internet Movie Taterbase FTW

  • ohwhitneykay

    Facts of Potato

  • bastich

    Perfect Potatoes?

  • John G.

    what in the world is a Howie Decker

  • bastich

    I wonder if his middle name is "Blacken"?

  • A. A funny blogger.

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