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"Calm Your T*ts, Fatty!" Says Microsoft's New Bra. Because Science!

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 5, 2013 | Comments ()

By Courtney Enlow | Miscellaneous | December 5, 2013 |






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Good news for all the amateur physicians in that Fit Mom post from yesterday! There’s a fancy new way to ensure women stop stuffing their faces with cupcakes and ice cream and hideously non-Paleo/non-cauliflower popcorn.

The latest technological innovation to keep you sexually desirable uses the two most sexually desirable flesh bits you’ve got: titty bewb sacks! From CNET, via Uproxx:

Microsoft researchers aren’t just thinking about operating systems. They’re thinking about undergarments with a purpose, specifically a smart bra that monitors the wearer’s mood with the aim of preventing stress-related overeating.

Mary Czerwinski, a research manager with Microsoft’s Visualization and Interaction Research Group, is studying how technology can help detect stress and give people tools for dealing with it. One of her recent projects involved the creation of a bra with embedded electrocardiogram and electrodermal activity sensors (PDF), as well as a gyroscope and accelerometer.

“It’s mostly women who are emotional overeaters, and it turns out that a bra is perfect for measuring EKG,” Czerwinski told Discovery News.

YOUR EMOTIONS MAKE YOU WEAK, WOMAN. Do not forget that. *throws a piece of bacon* Fetch until your bra alarm goes off. BOOM. Diet AND exercise.

They’re also looking into something that works for men, but underwear didn’t work. It should definitely be a bow tie that measures your waddle. That’s a great idea I demand payment for at once, Microsoft.

At the end of the day, it’s important we all remember one thing: you are a disgusting food monster incapable of stopping yourself from gorging on anything placed in front of you. So strap on your shame girdles and land yourself a man, titfarm!


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