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CAGE-RAGE: Nic Cage Battles Japanese Corn Snack Armed Only With His Own Face!

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | October 20, 2017 | Comments ()

By Tori Preston | Miscellaneous | October 20, 2017 |


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Such is the power of Nic Cage, scion of the great Coppola dynasty, that he can enter into battle against a mighty Japanese snack food armed with only his own face. Which he took… off. Just kidding! Obviously he’s only using a headshot. You can’t go fighting with no face, that’s just silly.

A few things I should point out:

- Japanese snack foods are the best snack foods, it is known (don’t @ me)

- A photo is not really a great weapon, unless it’s wielded by a warrior of skill… LIKE NICOLAS FUCKING CAGE.

I can just see it now: Cage, locked in a cage (a Cage-cage?) with the offending Japanese corn snack. His hair tossed in a furious breeze, starting to smolder at the tips as his Cage rage tempts his inner Ghost Rider. He won’t release the Rider though. Oh no. He’s in control. And he has just what he needs:

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A photograph of himself. With his name on it. Like a totem of his power that has been recreated separate from himself. A tool. A weapon. A piece of his soul. But he has so much soul to spare.

How can any corn snack from any country stand a chance against that kind of raw power?

So Cage waits, fingers gripping his headshot. His eyes seem to stare at the snack, through the snack, into the beyond where he’ll shortly be sending the snack. His lips pull back into a tight snarl. A breath, and then —

SLAP

He hits the snack with the picture bearing his face and name. A thunderclap echoes, then recedes.

Oh wait, my bad. I only read the headline of this Hollywood Reporter article and got all excited! Ok, so actually apparently Nic Cage is just upset that Japanese corn snack called the “Deluxe Umaibo Nicolastick” (**snicker**) is using his name and face on its packaging as part of an Army of One promotion.

Whatever. I liked my version better.


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