Pajiba

I would create a type of chocolate that was not only top notch taste wise, but it caused you to lose weight in a safe and non-lethal manner.

Those nights of cuddling up to a box of Godiva Truffles wouldn't cause all the guilt and self loathing they do now.

Wow Zombie Nurse. What a silly girlie response. Are you on the rag? Chocolate? You're the most boring evil genius in the world!

Hooowwhhaaahahaha.

I can do better. Give me an hour.

I apologize ZombieNurse. I didn't realize you were already in self-loathing mode.

It's just I'm so sick of women talking about chocolate! And screenwriters making depressed characters eat chocolate. And actresses stuffing their faces with chocolate (See Miranda on Sex in the City and Audra MacDonald on Private Practice). And co-workers loading the kitchen counter with chocolate.

Except for Chocolat. That movie was awesome because it had a whimsical Juliette Binoche and a gypsy Johnny Depp. Not because of the chocolate.

I would create a compound that makes semen taste like chocolate.

Take a moment to think how much more cheerful and relaxed everyone would be. It might even end war.

Jerce,

Now that is some evil geniusin'. World peace through chemistry, indeed.

Love potion #9.

Gah, I didn't mean to bold the whole post. Stupid, stupid....

Jerce, you just won - it's practically guaranteed!

I guess I'd make a chemical that causes boobs to swell up so that all the poor wimmenz that want to have boob jobs but can't afford it can get those things on the cheap. I'm sure I'd still make a kazillion dollars because of volume sales. Plus, this would be all real boob instead of baggies of gel or whatever the hell they're using these days.

I need a potion that will cure some serious writer's block!

So if I were a chemist, I'd want to invent an instant cure for drunkenness. "Instant sobriety without hangover!" Something I could carry around in a little flask. Something that would allow me to walk around completely shitfaced-with-the-room-spinning and then, after a choice swallow, I'd be golden. Oh, and I want it to taste like a strawberry malt.

That way, I can get deep in my cups, and get those rich, painful melancholy thoughts a bubbling up, and then, after a short sip of this marvelous invention, I could actually put it into words! Instead of passing out. Or upchucking on the laptop.

Antiperspirant pill that concentrates mostly on your underarms. No more sweaty armpit stains and no more chalky or gel-y stains on your shirts!

I really hate having to wash out white deodorant stains from my black shirts. Also, I sweat alot (TMI).

Wow, Bananapanda. Nice.

So you'd take these capsules and drop them in water except instead of a stupid foam dinosaur or sperm whale you'd get a vagina or a pecker.

Can I get several boxes of these on a rush order?

Baptismal fonts will never be the same again.

A compound that affects you neurologically, preventing you from ever lying to yourself or suffering self-delusion about anything.

Finally make everyone deal with reality.

If I were a superhero, I'd want a handful of all of the above in my utility belt. Especially the Instant Bajingo/Dick combo pack. Yowza! Take that, jackass! And you are welcome! But, then, what kind of superhero would I be? Something like: "Dr. Awakening-Strange-Feelings-and-New Sensations Man"?

My ideas have already been done. The first would be the drug created in formula 51 with Samuel L. Jackson (only it would be real, and work)...the second would be the weed that was created in the end of Road Trip. What can I say...I'm actually interested in making money.

First off, I'd need a front company to funnel money into my "secret, diabolical chemical company"; so I'd invest in a Murdertank production facility. Using said money, I'd fund my own chemical genius to create the ultimate drug...a drug that would wipe Twilight off of the face of the Earth.

Using a specifically targeted memory inhibitor, I'd block all memories and thoughts of Twilight from the fans who love it. Instead, the fans would just be zonked out, mental zombies. (Not too far removed from their current state, the only difference being they'd be immobilized, speechless, and stupid.)

Whilst under this medically enhanced stupor, I'd call upon a crack team of collectors and destroyers to eliminate all pieces of Twilight memorabilia/printed word/printed film/etc. (This is where the Murdertank Production Facility front comes in handy. All Murdertanks would be equipped with flamethrowers, incinerators, and a copy of the Watchmen "various artists" soundtrack.)

After these efforts were carried out, we would all relax and reap the profit of our successful Shadow Government. Soundly ensconced in a world where Stephenie Meyer is drugged with this chemical and confined to the basement lab under our kick-assed looking mansion, and Twilight does not exist.

Note: I'm currently accepting applications for the Military/Corporate branches of my little endeavour. You all know where to apply.

I'm more of a mechanical genius than a chemistry one. I think I'd invent a box that makes money. I'd call it the Mojajay.

Oh, crap, I already have one of those (cough, cough, wipe, cough).

OK, I'd invent a box that makes money while I'm out doing something I want to do.

AHA! I would develop a series of deceptions designed to alter the social fabric for the power of good!

A keyboard with slow-release endorphin compounds so that people getting all upset will become more relaxed and happy as they proceed to work and write. Happy Internet, voila!

Sub-harmonic seatbelts - slowly but surely prompting awareness, alertness, and subtle compassion cues. Enjoy your drive, you'll be there soon!

Volume-sensitive alcohol that prompts a 'too full' response at JUST the right moment of perfect inebriation. Best night ever!

Of course, I pretty much want to create ultra-dense nutritious compounds and multi-purpose shelter materials and the like, but I figure I should start out small so I don't end up in a ditch or in a pageant first.

Some sort of truth serum that works. I don't care which one, but I want either Sarah Jessica Parker or that kid from Real Genius to finally admit they are the same person.

Are you tired of your pale, dull skin? Does RPatz make your nethers all tingly?

Presenting Sparkle Spackle (patent pending). It's emo vampire in a jar! You no longer have to have sex at truck stops while not bathing for weeks at a time to get the same glitter-in-the-sunshine look as Robert Pattinson.

Supplies are ready now, so don't wait for final FDA approval! They're all hung up on the whole "100% of users died of spontaneous immolation" as if it were an intended side effect. Those silly geese. The tingling third degree burns just mean it's working!

I would very simply come up with something that could make me sleep MORE than four hours a night, because no matter how much meths I eat and pills I take, it just don't happen.

Also, Seth lies, because he is a full-blown narcoleptic.

Obviously, the answer is Unobtainium.
The panacea to the worlds troubles, it can straighten your hair, widen your trouser legs, kill the evil, eradicate disease, eliminate World hunger.
Oh yeah, and make me irresistable to all the Pajibettes!

There are some great suggestions, but what really gets me every time.. again and again.. is stupid poeple. If I were a mad genius and it were possible, I'd invent a pill that killed off the stupid people of the world. but not just dead, you need them to disintegrate, cuz I don't wanna clean up dead people, and make sure no zombies, not going for zombie apocolypse.. not yet.

If I were just the average chem genius.. I'd go for insta orgasm.. men, women, dogs, whateva.. one pill, one spray, one shot and you nut yourself (like the orgasmo ray in orgasmo, but in spray form)... why be dissapointed, frustrated, etc.. one pill.. insta orgasm.. two pills.. mind blowing orgasm... three pills, you pass out from over nut...

If I were a mad genius chemist I would invent a pill that makes cats fucking behave. No longer would furniture suffer destruction under the claws of felines! No longer would we have to smell the odor of cat piss when they decide to claim a random object as their own! No longer would they crap half-in and half-out of the litter box! No more would they go completely apeshit and race around the house terrorizing each other at the critical moment of every TV show or movie! No more would humans have to endure cat ass in front of the computer screen or on their hands typing at the keyboard! And we their overlords could make them stop shedding on command!

At last, we shall have dominion over the felines of the world and make them stop annoying the ever-loving shit out of us!

If I were a supergenius chemist I would create 2 cheaply mass-produceable chemical compounds that when mixed had a high mass to energy conversion rate in the resulting reaction. Something close to 100% would be really nice but also extremely difficult to control, so I'd settle for around 5% (I'm pretty sure Nuclear fission is about 1% but I couldn't be bothered checking so I could be completely wrong).

At this point I would have a difficult decision to make, but I'd either produce it to become incredibly rich, or use it to power the combat robots I intend to use to take over my country one day. Currently they use a central massive robot with a Fission reactor inside and charging stations which are used either to charge batteries or produce hydrogen for fuel cells (I'm not sure which yet). This approach has the advantage of the central charing robot being nigh indestructible once the reactor is large enough to produce heavy enough fallout to endanger an entire city, as the authorities will be afraid to attack it.

Unfortunately I don't have the contacts to purchase enriched Uranium, and I wouldn't know how to go about setting up an enrichment facility. Therefore a source of cheap and plentiful energy would be one of the final steps in my plan (the robot designs are mostly done, spoler alert: they look like giant cockroaches).

I'd create something that gave us control over the aging process. Maybe the telomeres - very basically, they're the bits on the ends of chromosomes that stop the DNA from deteriorating, and each time a cell reproduces, they get a little bit shorter.

The only question is, do I start by sending a big 'fuck you!' to dementia or cancer?

Staying younger for longer would be pretty awesome, too. I'd recommend starting this particular treatment AFTER puberty.

A fitness pill, so I can kill my fucking trainer.

That said, I'd vote for the chocolate semen and Mr. Terrific.

Jerce, it's not so much the taste as the texture I have a problem with. See what you can do about that while you're at it.

Posted by: elsie at March 15, 2010 12:49 PM
---
Problem solved:

Cummy Bears (TM) chewable semen in fruit flavors!

I was going to say liquid tit jobs, but someone beat me to it! I was being nice saying that too, since I'm stacked. Hahaha. Anyway, if I had Walter White's skills I would come up with a chemical equation to replicate an orgasm at any time. That way when my fingers are tired or if the guy falls asleep and I want another go, I could slip a little tablet in my mouth, and have enough energy to rock another one out with little to no effort.

Thanks! I love love love this show, been watching since season 1.
Did I mention that it's my birthday on the 18th? No? Well, I just did :P

Tammers,

That there's man HONEY, honey.

Also, while I'm happily engaging in the contest here and fully expect to win first AND second place, I have serious doubts about anyone on Pajiba actually, you know, paying out.

Since I'm STILL waiting for Replica to send me her/my toque.

Part 1:

If you were a chemistry genius, what would you do?

Easy bro, I’d take over Pajiba for teh lolz.

Now I know you thinking “yeah right dude, I know you’re fucking awesome and shit but how do you expect to take over when there’s a bunch of dudes already running this place?”

This is where the chemistry comes in brah.

Our story begins at West Viginia University. The year is 2013. Roland Emmerich was wrong. It’s spring break and most of the students have gone south to party for a week. Most of them. You see, it’s at this time every year that the University holds its annual science fair (in order to avoid major nerd beatdowns by individuals such as myself). They’ve apparently gone 14 straight years without having some dork go home crying because a jock smashed his diorama or whatever the fuck it is kids make these days. This statistic is proudly displayed on the front of the application form for the contest. C-C-C-ComboBreaker!

The morning of the big fair, I get out of the car that I’ve spent 4 days sleeping in (empty water bottles doubling as urinals FTW) and walk towards the gymnasium. There’s a giant poster outside reading ‘Pajiba.com: Scathing Reviews, Bitchy People.’ More like bitchy reviews… scathing people…amiright? Anyway, as you’ve probably guessed, Pajiba is a primary sponsor for the event. Why they do this each year I don’t have a fucking clue. It’s the future, nothing has to make sense.

I walk through the doors and see about 50 stalls set up. Fuck. How the hell am I suppose to know which ones are Pajiba writers? As if on cue, I voice in the back corner yells

“My farm? Here's my mothafuckin' farm!... I'm a lead farmer, mothafucka!”

There’s gotta be less than a handful of people retarded enough to re-enact Tropic Thunder. I walk in their direction.
The first guy I approach is as black as the night. I mean that for real. You could turn the lights out and this guy would go hollow man on your ass. His nametag says ‘TK’ and he’s got some poster set up that says Juicy Beans. What a phaggot. Here’s a photo for those following along at home: http://i42.tinypic.com/ifbx52.jpg

I act cool. “Sup Brah, whatchu got on dat der table?” He suspects nothing.

“Just some magic beans. Gonna grow me a beanstock” he replies emphatically.

“Noice. Well good luck doing that…without a soul!” I quickly grab his jar of beans, throw them into a nearby bucket of water and duck for cover. As every Chemist with a PHD or higher knows, magic beans + water = MICHAELBAYEXPLOSION. Curtains for TK and his vegetable embryos.
1 down, 4 to go.

I'd create a terrible drug, one that's addicting and easily accepted into the body, and put it in the water system. Then I'd destroy the antidotes, and let everyone fucking wallow in their drug induced lunacy until they all fucking died. And I'd watch these events transpire from my roof with a gun and an Arizona green tea.

You know what I'd do? I take all the chemicals in the world and get rid of some, combine the rest and make chemistry easier. That class really fucked up my sophomore year of high school, as though being ravaged by the organic chemistry of raging hormones wasn't bad enough.

Given chemistry skills far madder than those I already possess, I'd cook up something that put a small time delay on thought expression when in an emotional state. This would hopefully force people to think for a second before they said or typed something stupid, thus eliminating many arguments and slashing internet bandwidth.

I would also favour some kind of ice-nine-esque distribution method.

Part 4:

This next dude looked a little like Milhouse without classes. He was the kid you knew back in highschool who acted like he knew everything about everything but in reality he would just go home and masturbate to models in the sears catalogue until I just wish my parents were dead…anyway here’s a pic: http://i39.tinypic.com/6tpwed.jpg
He wasn’t wearing a nametag and to be honest, he didn’t need one. His pizza face practically spelled out Seth Freilich.

I started out with some trolling. “Sup brah? Nice looking electromachine you got der.” He looked pissed already.

“Doubledang!” He sounded like an 11 year with a clothespin over his nose. “It’s not an electromachine you nitwit, it’s a personal computer, an Exelcior 300 to be exact…Schmaa. And leave me alone, the judges will be coming shortly. I don’t want you… Schmaa… cramping my style.”

“You mean like this…” From my pocket I withdrew a flashlight. His face went white.

“Alphanumeric! You wouldn’t dare…I have friends in high places schmaaa. They’ll get you for this! Wow I hope that sounded as cool out loud as it did in my head.”

I laughed. “I see you remember your chemistry 101. The particles from the light beam mixed with your LCD display will create…”

“A deadly carbon monoxide gas? Schmaaaaaaa highly unlikely. I have the most advanced pixels from this side of the Navron.”

“I know, that’s why I brought…anti-protons!” (strong research skills). He fell to his knees and began to sob. He knew his fate now and there was nothing he could do. He bumbled out a few last words.

“Remember me… as a warlock.”

I turned on the light and shined it directly onto the monitor. His face began to melt. After about 30 seconds or so he looked eerily similar to Jeff Goldblum at the end of the fly. It was pretty fucking gross/cool.
4 down, 1 to go.

Part 6:

I walked up to the very edge of this table and stared into his eyes. I got right to the point.

“Sup Brah, I’m taking Pajiba.”

He didn’t respond. Instead, he made this kinda smirk expression and stared right back at me. Here’s a sketch: http://i40.tinypic.com/24yuujk.jpg

I was going to pull out all the stops and write something about how I'd better win or it's BEAKER in my Bunsen burner (mimimimimimimimim ... muuuuuuahahahahaha), but Christ on a cracker, that's hardly fair, adventureman, now you're just TOYING with us.

*whips out Pajiba rule book to see if adventureman can win "Breaking Bad" AND EE in the same week, learns he can, pours sulfuric acid on rule book*

Well said, mostly, but don't you feel you're oversimplifying?