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Batsh*t Or Brilliant? A Woman Decides To Make Her Boyfriend 300 Sandwiches In The Desperate Hope He'll Propose To Her

By Joanna Robinson | Miscellaneous | September 26, 2013 | Comments ()


secretary-wedding.jpg

I’m not a huge fan of headlines like the one above. And let me state unequivocally and for the record that even if the following story turns out to be merely a canny grab for a book and movie deal, then I’m still repulsed. Scratch that, I’m even more repulsed.

The facts are these, a writer for The New York Post has decided to start a blog (300sandwiches.com) that chronicles her attempt to make 300 sandwiches for her boyfriend in order to convince him to propose to her. Nope. I’m not kidding. That is the premise for a blog in the year 2013. Caity Weaver’s phenomenal write-up in Gawker makes it a point to stress how beautiful the blogger in question, Stephanie Smith, is. I’m not sure that really matters, do you? But for the record, yeah, the women is an accomplished attractive writer. On that we can all agree.

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What bothers me more than this woman and her boyfriend’s f*cked up relationship dynamic is his hideous hair color the fact that I don’t believe her. I don’t believe him. I don’t believe this whole thing is anything less than Stephanie Smith’s transparent attempt to follow in the steps of Julie Powell. Ugh, and what a hideous aspiration. In case you’re unfamiliar, Julie Powell followed up her best-selling book-turned-film “Julie & Julia” with a repulsive volume called “Cleaving” all about how she cheated on her lovely and supportive husband. Oddly, Amy Adams and Chris Messina didn’t sign up to act that one out.

So what do we do with someone like this? This Stephanie Smith. Do we ignore her? I mean, that’s what I’m praying every publishing house and film studio does. But I don’t hold out much hope. This subjugation is basically “50 Shades Of Grey Poupon,” it’ll make a mint. I don’t care what works for you and your would-be partner. Make him all the sandwiches. Build her all the picket fences. It’s none of my business and I’m not the boss of you and your personal life. I do care when I suspect it’s all a put on lovingly crafted to provoke my feminist ire. It calls to mind that infuriating, link-baiting cover story in Newsweek that implied that the “50 Shades” phenomenon represented the secret desires of the working woman. That somehow our ascendence in the professional sphere is too much for our quivering female brains to handle and that we LONG to be subjugated in some way. Even if that subjugation involves lunch meat.

Please do yourself a favor this fine Thursday morning and read the write-up on Stephanie Smith over at Gawker. I’m particularly fond of the part where Caity Weaver wishes this were one long murder con:

Those lines aren’t a prelude to the triumphant part of the story where Stephanie prepares Eric a special sandwich consisting of a box jellyfish on a bed of oleander leaves with hemlock garnish—a sandwich which, Stephanie will later testify, she had no idea would poison Eric so swiftly he would expire where he sat (though her browser history will suggest otherwise). They’re just part of the narrative of Sandwich’s charming life. I mean Stephanie’s.

Once again and for the record, there’s nothing wrong with making your loved one a sandwich. I, personally, would be disgusted by a partner who held an engagement ring ransom until he had the requisite number of Reubens, but that’s just me. However, intentionally inflammatory blog concepts meant to tap into our outrage? Well I’ve got two words them. Sh*t sandwich.

Joanna Robinson loves the movie Secretary. It’s about something else entirely.



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Comments Are Welcome, Jerks Will Be Banned


  • My favorite quote from that Gawker article?

    "To date, Stephanie has made 176 sandwiches, which means she only has 124 more until the Goblin King will accept her as his wretched bride."

    Oh, and FYI: Stephanie Sandwich and I are not related in any way.

  • stella

    Wait. I dont get it. Why does his hair look like that. Its not just the color, its like pushed up or something. Is it a wig? Is it some weird hair headband?

  • BlackRabbit

    He'll leave her partway through sandwich #299. Or confess he's been keeping them and feeding the other woman he's got on the side and who believes he's making 300 sandwiches for her.

  • psykins

    Or, you know. She could just propose.

  • Jo 'Mama' Besser

    You know, Leadbelly doesn't just have to be a musician.

  • Katherine Heigl's agent just perked up.

  • emmalita

    Shhh! Let's hope the Heigl's team didn't hear it. I don't want to see the trailers for the resulting movie.

  • Do you hear that Mr. Smith? That is the sound of inevitability.

  • Salieri2

    I don't have anything witty to say, but I wanted to post this link to scanwiches because it's beautiful and sandwichy.

    http://scanwiches.com/

  • Wigamer

    Just popping by to say that yes, Julie Powell is a twat.

  • emmalita

    Always to the point.

  • Meli_V

    Other than a cheap grab for attention, which yes, is desperate I really don't understand ire. If she wants to make sandwiches for him to supposedly "earn" a proposal then fine. I think it's silly and stupid, but he didn't force her into decision. Heck, it sounds more like he made a stupid bad joke which she thought she could build on. She's more than halfway through is only now getting attention. I imagine by next week no one will even care about her journey.

  • e jerry powell

    Well, if they were all reubens, I'd have to marry her, and I'm gay. I just love a good reuben.

  • F'mal DeHyde

    God, me too! I'd even settle for some sauerkraut right now.

  • Quatermain

    Maybe I'm over-thinking this and/or taking it too literally, but I fail to see how her murdering her boyfriend with a sandwich is 'triumphant.' The dude does come across as kind of a tool, yeah, but wishing death by poison sandwich on him just comes across as unnecessarily spiteful.

    Also, if you're going to scorn websites for 'link-bait' I think Gawker is far more worthy of that scorn than Newsweek is.

  • alwaysanswerb

    What in muppet goblin Kate Gosselin hell does that boyfriend have on his head?

  • Melissa Doucette

    It's a soup sandwich - all fucked up.

  • B84

    "50 Shades of Grey Poupon" made my day worthwhile.
    Love you.

  • anikitty

    Damn it. Now I want a sandwich.

  • Robert

    To me, if I wasn't sure I wanted to marry my hypothetical girlfriend before she decided 300 sandwiches would get me to propose, I would probably leave the relationship as soon as I found the blog or she revealed her plan. Nothing is worth that level of crazy if this is sincere.

    Conversely, there's only room for one famewhore in a relationship and the 300 sandwiches for love stunt would be too much Big Brother, not enough Project Runway for my interests and I would also leave the relationship.

    And if I actually did want to marry her, I would propose at the beginning to kill the project and move on with our lives without becoming that stupid sandwich couple.

  • I'm still left wondering, "Why the Hell would you marry a guy who can't even make a damn sandwich?" I mean, think of all the other things he won't do and she'll just end up having to do herself.

  • Laur

    I am mostly outraged that she dared to compare that troll boyfriend of hers to Alexander Skarsgård. BE GONE!!!!!!

  • Monica

    I guess I don't get it. I don't like sandwiches and I'm sure as hell not going to make them for someone else completely capable of doing it. It's not like it's meatloaf. Sandwiches are easy to make in comparison to so many other things.

    Or is that the point? "Sandwiches, so easy a man could do it - but would prefer it be you, lady."

  • Berry

    "I don't like sandwiches"

    I don't understand what those words in that order even mean.

  • PDamian

    Tell you what, folks: the person who makes me 30 sandwiches, using freshly made sourdough bread and nothing but the finest grass-fed, phosphate and nitrate-free meats, will get a lovely, complimentary note of thanks on Pajiba. I will address you by name in this note, and the praise will be unstinting. How's that? Better than an expensive wedding, amirite? Much less effort! And you won't even be stuck with me afterwards!

  • Sara_Tonin00

    I'm going to start a PDamian sandwich Kickstarter. I really want that note.

  • BobbFrapples

    Millions of basement dwellers wearing the "Shut up and make me a sandwhich," shirt cheer. ObiWan collapses from the tremors in the Force.

  • Berry

    I proposed to my then boyfriend, now husband of almost ten years. It was unspeakably romantic: I was chopping olives for a salad, and he was watching something on TV. I looked up from my cooking and said "honey, wanna marry me?" he grinned and said, "definitely." And because we were planning a trip to Istanbul, we decided to buy the rings there. Which we did. And the jewelers bought us tea to celebrate.

    What? I just wanted to comment, and the sandwich story just made me want to vomit, so I decided to share instead.

  • Salieri2

    I'll bet it was good tea.

  • Berry

    It was rather lovely. The situation was a bit awkward though, because they didn't speak much English, and we not a word of Turkish, so we just sat there, sipping tea and smiling like loons.

  • bastich

    Soooo...299 salads to go, then?

  • emmalita

    Thanks for sharing. :)

  • emmalita

    If I ever get serious about someone again I'm stealing this idea. If they can eat 300 sandwiches that I make without bitching about them, I will consider a proposal. Why would I consider this a challenge? I'm a vegetarian who considers Sriracha a necessary condiment.

  • Berry

    I don't know what Sriracha is, but I like the way you think.

  • emmalita

    It's spicy and really brings out the flavor of everything, or kills the flavor of what you don't want to taste.

  • Huh...I've always found Sriracha doesn't have much flavor, it just adds heat...but then I'm using it in dishes with very strong flavors.

  • emmalita

    I was being somewhat flip. It has more flavor than some hot sauces, less than others. The nice burn can drown out the flavor of bad Chinese food.

  • AvaLehra

    Sriracha is the hot sauce of choice in my home -- and I'm Mexican.

  • emmalita

    I've been known to put Sriracha on enchiladas. Especially if I didn't make them. I'm not Mexican, but I make a mean red chile sauce.

  • I've yet to understand how people can make tasteless Mexican food. Especially here in Austin. C'mon people, chili, cumin, garlic, salt, and a little cayenne. It's not rocket science....Too many damn hippies/Californian imports is the only excuse I can think of.

  • emmalita

    THERE NO EXCUSE FOR TASTELESS MEXICAN FOOD IN AUSTIN! I can't get good Mexican food here, so I insist on it whenever I go back to Austin for a visit. In fact if you have recommendations I would be grateful! :)

  • AvaLehra

    Bland guacamole makes my soul weep...if I actually had one. There is no excuse, ever, ever, ever for bland guacamole.

  • Quatermain

    You can blame pretty much anything on hippies. Outside of Communists, they're my go-to scapegoat.

  • emmalita

    I call Austin the last bastion of the Hippie.

  • That's a pretty good description. There're too many places around here that try to "Austinize" what would be otherwise good, simple food.

    Kirby Lane is the worst offender I've found so far. How do you screw up chili con queso, for pete's sake? I can't understand how it gained its hallowed reputation around here when the food is just so bland and is served so apathetically. Gingerbread pancakes, you say? Well, yes, I could agree if they weren't tough and heavy.

  • emmalita

    They used to be really good, 20 years ago.

  • lowercase_ryan

    I just hate people like this, they depress me. They have been given a life and are abusing the shit out of it by being shits themselves.

  • ERM

    You stole your "50 Shades Of Grey Poupon" line from a Gawker commenter... Unless you are that Gawker commenter.

  • JoannaRobinson

    No I stole it from my gent. Unless HE'S that Gawker commenter.

  • ERM

    Maybe that Gawker commenter stole it from him.

  • competitivenonfiction

    I like to think that over the course of her blog, she'll slowly come to her senses and decide to either have a real, direct conversation where they sit down over a cup of coffee during the day and discuss their shared future.

    They can discuss how many children they want to have, when they want to have them, how long they'd like to be married first and how long they'd like an engagement to be. He can say that he wants to be the one to propose and she can say that's great as long as it falls within the timeline that they've discussed. They can discuss how to cover the cost of a ring and a wedding, and what they want those things to look like. They could even talk about opening up a retirement savings plan, and an emergency fund.

    They could even do this over many afternoons and many cups of coffee.

    Or she can make him 300 sandwiches.

  • Mrs. Julien

    ESPECIALLY if that subjugation involves lunch meat.

  • AvaLehra

    She should be making him pimento loaf sandwiches and head cheese sandwiches -- all the grody stuff -- that's what he deserves. (Although, truth be told, I loved head cheese sandwiches when I was kid.)

  • bastich

    How about one of those Monte Cristo sandwiches from Bennigans, that always seemed to have been deep-fried in a dirty fryer, and came with a side of strawberry jelly?

    Three hundred of those, I think....assuming he survives the first dozen.

  • Quatermain

    Tripe and onions. That'll learn him.

  • DarthCorleone

    This would be cooler if in order for *her* to propose to *him*, he had to eat the 300 sandwiches in a 24-hour period. Sort of like Cool Hand Luke and the eggs.

  • TherecanbeonlyoneAdmin

    I'd rather have the Reuben than give this um... sandwich "story" any attention. And I'll make my own sannich, dammit!

  • AvaLehra

    “You’ve been up for 15 minutes and you haven’t made me a sandwich?”

    What a keeper!

  • AvaLehra

    But wait, THERE'S MORE!

    "Honey, you’re 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring!”

  • Tinkerville

    He also calls her "babes." Babes.

  • AvaLehra

    I bet he smacks her butt in front of other people, too.

  • VonnegutSlut

    Please tell me she calls him "dicks."

  • bastich

    So what exactly is the boyfriend bringing to the table? I searched and searched, but I couldn't find any answers to that question online.

    (And for the record, "300multipleorgasms .com" has not yet been registered.)

  • AvaLehra

    "So what exactly is the boyfriend bringing to the table?"
    Apparently a crapton of sandwiches.

  • IngridToday

    He says he looks like Alexander Skarsgard..... apparently his shitty hair dye job also blinded him.

  • Jiffylush

    The only thing he has in common with Alexander Skarsgard is his character on True Blood as they are both vampires.

    The real question is what is he doing with all those sandwiches? Vampires don't eat food!

  • bastich

    Seriously? He looks more like that dude from the old "Leave Britney Alone" video.

  • ZbornakSyndrome

    Is that dude's lacefront from the Travolta Collection?

  • JJ

    They're both insufferable attention-seekers. They both know exactly what they're doing, and it's working quite well.

  • Sara_Tonin00

    seriously, you have to see these Gawker geniuses:

    http://gawker.com/scene-from-t...

  • Sara_Tonin00

    Um, it was worth reading all of this just to see the 300 gifs in the comments of that Gawker article.

    But seriously, no, this is barely a thing. She's more than halfway through already, and this is the first we're hearing of it. (I'm hearing of it, anyway). And I doubt I'd've heard of it at all if you hadn't posted about it.

    BUT IF YOU LET A GUY KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO MAKE 300 SANDWICHES FOR HIM BEFORE HE PROPOSES (and he is the kind of guy who asks such a thing, or demands such a thing) THERE IS NO INCENTIVE FOR HIM TO PROPOSE ANY SOONER. (if such a proposal is actually worth accepting.)

    I'd guess he made the initial sandwich comment as a joke. You know, the way people joke about backrubs or footrubs. Hopefully there is just a really weird & deep sense of humor between these two.

  • dizzylucy

    I'm hoping it was said as a joke too, and they decided to make it a "aren't we just so cute" kind of thing.

    Because if he was serious, that is some kind of messed up weirdness that I'd want no parts of.

  • emmalita

    You know, I hope you are right. That would take it from creepy to lovely.

  • Lemon_Poundcake

    This is offensive to sandwiches.

  • Anon

    You know what, I was about to suggest that maybe she could propose to him after all her sandwich making (after all, men do romantic things like that leading up to a marriage proposal all the time, and that would turn it from "begging for a ring" into "romantic gesture") but then I realized that there is no way anyone could possibly like sandwiches that much anyways, and it's all rather creepy and insane to begin with. I feel so sorry for the boyfriend.

  • Tinkerville

    You feel so sorry for the boyfriend? Did you read the backstory? Before she even started this he'd ask her why she hadn't made him a sandwich yet if she had been up for fifteen minutes. And he also suggested this entire ordeal when he told her she was 300 sandwiches away from an engagement ring. Don't get me wrong, she's just as bad as he is. But he sounds like an asshole.

  • Becks

    Definitely. Both seem awful and I'm really rooting for her to succeed so that this one horrid marriage can take two complete turdburgers out of the dating game where they're a danger to normal people.

  • e

    Make all the sandwiches you want, but blog about it? Ooooo, look at meeeee. If you're the dude, aren't you grossed out? And if you're her, why have you no shame??

  • Zombienurse

    Maybe she should make him 300 sandwiches. Do it all at once. Then bring them to him on a platter, hand him a hammer, and tell him to pound them into whichever of his orifices he sees fit.

    Personally, I'm with you, I don't think it's real. However, it still makes me angry.

  • Modernlove

    As soon as I read that he wakes up every morning and the first thing he does is ask her why she hasn't made him a sandwich yet, I was done. I don't have time for such obvious baiting stories.

  • ViciousTrollop

    Dude looks like Emperor Palpatine in a blonde wig.

  • bastich

    "Something...something...sandwiches...Dark Side."

  • AvaLehra

    On dark rye!

  • emmalita

    Come to the Dark Side, we have sandwiches? I've long believed I should start a cookie emporium called the Dark Side, but I could expand it to sandwiches as well.

  • Joe Grunenwald

    I am absolutely enthralled by this story, but mostly because I imagine it as a sort of Sisyphean tragedy, with Stephanie Smith trying so hard to please her gourmet chef boyfriend that it ultimately leads to her, after completing her masterpiece 300th sandwich, dropping dead in her kitchen.

  • bastich

    I'd prefer a "Tales From The Crypt" ending, where she finally snaps and feeds him a nice Tuna and Ground Glass for Sandwich #300.

  • AvaLehra

    Ooo, my favorite "Tales From The Crypt" is the one where Demi Moore has to marry a grotesquely made up Jeffrey Tambor because a fortune teller told her he was going to inherit a lot of money and die shortly afterward. So she does, and she has to do "stuff" with him and he's all oozy and nasty and breathes through his mouth.

    SO! One day she buys a lottery ticket and wins $1,000,000 and she tells him she's leaving him because he's disgusting and yada yada yada. He snaps and kills her...and in the end, he ends up inheriting her $$$ because he was her husband (tun-tun-TUN!) but he can't enjoy it because he gets fried on the electric chair.

    *Whew* So yeah...that.

  • IngridToday

    Maybe it's an Arabian Nights type of deal and she has to make sandwiches to stay alive.

  • Yossarian

    Or let it take a twilight zone turn on him in an ironic punishment kind of way. Like when you get caught smoking and your parents force you to smoke the whole pack until you get sick. Oh, you want a sandwich? How about 300, motherfucker? Every day until they stick in your throat. Every night when the woman you used to love walks in the door and roboticly proceeds to the kitchen, ignoring your attempts to converse, connect, or share anything approximating a human relationship until another in an endless succession of perfectly crafted gourmet sandwiches has been produced. Until you're sick of them. Until it is a hell of your own making. Until the very thought of meat between bread tightens your stomach into a knot and makes you break into a cold sweat and dear god you'd give anything to take it all back and be free

  • Quatermain

    There is always the possibility that the irony might be lost on him: http://youtu.be/HMn0EFhjOFI

  • Yossarian

    Maybe. But there's lots of ways this can go wrong.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?...

  • Tinkerville

    Neither batshit nor brilliant. Depressing, revolting, and infuriating. Even it is all a ploy for a book deal, I doubt everyone will be able to see through that right away. And given how much press this has gotten, a book deal is no doubt in the works already.

    So when millions of people are reading that she's doing this "out of love" and this is his bullshit way of saying he appreciates everything she does, it disgusts me because there are people out there who just might believe that, and might reinforce their ideas that this is okay. If this were kept between them then by all means, it's their lives and not my business. It's the ability to influence others and add heat to the "this is what women really want" arguments that really infuriates me.

  • June Velcro

    Ok, but why bring Secretary into this? Surely there is no comparison.

  • Nat

    Yes. I have nothing more to add.

  • mswas

    Viral marketing FAIL

  • Guest

    I will bet you a million dollars that when this is all over, she's going to try and turn the blog into a screenplay.

  • Miss Kate

    Thank you. *slow clap*

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