A Very Serious Discussion of Which Disney Princes Are Best in Bed
By Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, Agent X | Miscellaneous | November 26, 2016 |
Everyone who wants to discuss Simba or Robin Hood will have to do so in the comments, before your intrepid explorers of all things hypothetical sexual prowess—Rebecca Pahle, Kristy Puchko, and the enigmatic Agent X—had a strict “no furries” rule on this one. All Disney princes will also be considered of age for the purposes of this conversation. And we’re talking animated Disney princes, not their live action counterparts. Other than that: No rules, all weirdness. Or, in Agent X’s words: “There is so much bestiality in this one. With just a soupcon of necrophilia.”
Rebecca: Let’s start with one of the better-known Disney princes, but I have thoughts about Naveen. We’re gonna have to ease into him.
Agent X: Phrasing.
Rebecca: Eric from The Little Mermaid.
Kristy: He didn’t bang mermaid Ariel. Though we don’t know that human Ursula didn’t have Cthulhu snatch…
Agent X: What is Cthulhu snatch? Please explain. In detail.
Rebecca: I assume tentacles everywhere? And just a…. maw?
Kristy: Like her lady bits are lined in tentacles.
Rebecca: Octopussy. Literally.
Agent X: Do we think Eric is so inexperienced he was like, “I guess this is just what vaginas look like.”
Rebecca: I think Eric is sweet and GGG [good, giving, and game], but I think he also has the ability to be a bit of a sexual freak. Let me explain. He’s a sailor. Plus he has a bit of inner wildness. He charged onto a burning ship to rescue his dog. Which, obviously. But it was a little badass. He STABBED URSULA THROUGH THE STOMACH WITH THE BOW OF HIS SHIP. Which, aside from being Freudian, is more proactive then we generally see Disney princes being.
Kristy: I don’t see how that relates to anything. Unless you’re saying that’s symbolic of him being hung.
Agent X: OK none of this means he is good in bed, tho.
Kristy: I honestly think he’s a virgin. He has that snitty chaperone dude.
Rebecca: I think he has a sweet demeanor but an inner wild child. There’s potential there.
Agent X: Ehhhh. I don’t think Eric’s gotten around much. And you know why I think that? He seems to fall in love super quickly.
Kristy: I’d buy that. So, okay. He’s not experienced but he’s interested and game to explore. Plus it took him forever to “Kiss The Girl.”
Agent X: Yes! He might also be kind of dim. But, I do think he is one of the most handsome Disney princes. So he’s got that going for him, at least!
Agent X: I think he might have a similar personality as his own sheepdog.
Kristy: He’d be a good first time.
Agent X: Like, sweet, kind of dim, well-meaning.
Kristy: Gentle but excited.
Rebecca: OK, I’ll buy that he’s inexperienced and hesitant and kind of dumb, on top of being nice. But I think there’s potential in him to really cut loose and go for it, once he reaches a certain point.
Agent X: You seem to be ascribing a freaky sexuality to him that’s I’m not convinced is really there.
Rebecca: Maybe. But I bet Eric has nipples.
Agent X: LOL. Well that’s as good a segue as any, right?
Kristy: Aladdin - we know he knows sex workers. But they seem to be very dismissive of them. And he’s always broke. So…
Rebecca: But also: young, hot, doesn’t wear a shirt.
Agent X: Aladdin seems inventive and game.
Rebecca: Some people would be on that. You’d have to deal with Abu watching, though.
Agent X: That is true.
Kristy: Well, we know he’s good at rubbing the lamp.
Agent X: Until stuff comes out!
Rebecca: Don’t bring Robin Williams into this nastiness.
Agent X: I’m not saying Robin Williams’ Genie is semen, but…
Rebecca: I hate you.
Agent X: I know. Hey, that was a Han/Leia moment!
Kristy: Be his genie in a bottle, baby.
Rebecca: So, Aladdin: Fun, willing to experiment, a decent amount of experience?
Agent X: Young, hot, doesn’t wear a shirt, seems open-minded, resourceful, willing to roll with the punches.
Rebecca: But: no nipples
Agent X: Con: DOESN’T HAVE NIPPLES FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON.
Kristy: Don’t bodyshame Aladdin. OH! HE LOVES CARPET RIDES! That’s got to be a metaphor.
Rebecca: Plus, I like to think Jasmine pushes him. Metaphorically. Like, she ain’t gonna let you slack off down there.
Agent X: Does she? She seems like she’d be very inexperienced.
Kristy: I bet they’d have a great sex life.
Agent X: Not to say she can’t discover her inner freak eventually, but she just seems super sheltered.
Rebecca: Yes, but at the same time I’d say she’s the most overtly sexual of the Disney princesses? There’s a scene where she legit seduces Jafar. I’m not saying she’s some virtuoso or anything, but she’s not shy.
Kristy: Enthusiastic, exploratory. Look, she’s been locked away from the world. I’m sure she’s found her own way to bliss a few times.
Rebecca: As long as it doesn’t involve the tiger.
Agent X: The tiger and Abu can go distract each other.
Kristy: ~nopes out forever~
Agent X: I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
Rebecca: Does anyone have any feelings about Prince Phoebus [from Hunchback]? At all? Or can we discount him?
Agent X: Literally who. Who is that?
Kristy: Didn’t Kevin Kline voice him? ‘Cause I’m into that. Though his Road To El Dorado character is hotter, and more clearly into sex. Though not a Disney character.
Rebecca: The only thing people remember about Hunchback is the thing where the villain sings about his dick.
Goatee. No thank you.
Agent X: Poor Disney princes, never getting to sing about their dicks.
Rebecca: Adam from Beauty and the Beast? With the caveat that it is nearly a universal experience that women find his human appearance underwhelming.
Kristy: As the beast, he had intensity. As Adam, he’s a weenie. Few moments of my childhood were as disappointing as the Adam reveal.
Agent X: Adam. No.
Rebecca: But we only see human-Adam for a few minutes, right? There’s no reason to think he wouldn’t have that same intensity. Just because his looks changed doesn’t mean his demeanor did.
Kristy: Except he looks and sounds like a total weenie.
Agent X: I cannot believe after how much that movie builds up how hideous the Beast is, they give us Adam.
Rebecca: But he’s not that unattractive. He’s just underwhelming compared to the Beast.
Agent X: He’s massively disappointing compared to an actual beast. I’d say that’s pretty unattractive!
Rebecca: Wouldn’t you give it a shot? And, question B: Do you think Belle’s ever disappointed?
Kristy: You know how I feel about Wookiee fucking (too much hair), so I wouldn’t be down to go down with the Beast. But Adam v Beast? Beast every time.
Rebecca: He’s not that bad. The nostrils are huge, but it’s a bad camera angle.
Kristy: This made history as the first animated punchable face.
Rebecca: I know you think Adam’s too unattractive to fuck—which is very shallow of you both—but at the very least he’d be nice, and he clearly adores Belle. The sex would not be terrible. That said, he’s been very sheltered and may well have very little sexual experience, unless he was fucking the furniture.
Agent X: Adam/Beast is probably extremely inexperienced. He was turned into an actual beast when he was like a small child. He’s definitely a virgin.
Rebecca: I don’t think he was. I think he was turned and then the witch put him in a time loop. Otherwise someone—his subjects, one of the what must be the hundreds of family members of his staff—would have noticed they were missing. Also, if there’s no time loop, how did Chip happen? He’s younger than ten. I have put thought into this.
Agent X: This is too much for this conversation. We can’t solve all the mysteries of this movie.
Kristy: Adam would only do missionary. Forever.
Rebecca: I can see him being frightened of his “inner beast,” or whatever.
Agent X: I don’t think Adam/Beast would have been good pre-transformation (if he were an adult, and if he had had sex, which is not a given), and I don’t think he would have been good after, either. Too up in his own head, too timid.
Rebecca: Too scared of himself.
Agent X: On the bright side, I bet he loves going down on Belle.
Rebecca: Who’s up next? Let’s do Shang from Mulan. Also let’s do Shang from Mulan because damn.
Agent X: Phrasing!
Kristy: Shang. He’d be good.
Agent X: Pros: Shang has nipples.
Kristy: Focused. Intense. Great stamina.
Rebecca: He started to be attracted to Mulan when he thought she was a guy and just rolled with it.
Agent X: True, true. Kudos to him for being open-minded about his sexuality! Although, then he found out she was really a girl and tried to execute her. So, fewer kudos to him for trying to execute the boy of his dreams once he found out he was really the girl of his dreams.
Kristy: But that wasn’t a sex thing. That was like honor/army stuff.
Agent X: No, I know. But still.
Do you guys think he was secretly kind of conflicted about that whole gender-swap thing, though? Like, he had finally just come around to being like, “huh! Maybe sexuality is fluid! Maybe I’m into dudes now!” And then she’s like “psych, I’m a girl!”
Kristy: Well, maybe his Kinsey scale was wavering there.
Agent X: And he’s like “…well dammit. I went on this entire journey of self-discovery for nothing.” Do we think Shang is still into dudes?
Rebecca: Hmm. Sure?
Agent X: Are we being too narrow-minded? Was he actually just bisexual all along and perfectly fine with that?
Rebecca: No reason he wouldn’t be. By the end, he has this realization re: Mulan’s military prowess that as long as you get the job done, the details don’t matter so much. Maybe that applies to his sex life as well.
Kristy: I think there’s not enough evidence to be sure either way, since his attraction is specific in the film to Mulan.
Rebecca: And there aren’t really other viable male romantic options in the movie. I can’t see him wanting to schtup any of his other recruits. No offense to them.
Agent X: I’m sure Tumblr would beg to differ.
Rebecca: Well, Tumblr wants to fuck everything.
Kristy: Also, Mulan was the prettiest man there besides Shang. So maybe Shang is also into dudes, but has a type that doesn’t include the three stooges.
Rebecca: Focused, intense, open-minded, wiling to experiment but not necessary imaginative on his own?
Agent X: As you guys have pointed out, his romantic/sexual options in this movie are very limited. I gotta say, I just closed a browser window and the Adam picture was right behind it and I was disappointed all over again.
Kristy: Adam is eternally disappointing. They should hand out pamphlets of him in high schools to reduce teen sex.
Rebecca: How about Tarzan?
Agent X: Very inexperienced…. with people.
Kristy: I think he’d be a wild man. Not experienced.
Rebecca: Inexperienced, but buff. And has nipples.
Agent X: But so inexperienced that you could basically just tell him to do anything and he’d go with it.
Kristy: But like IMAGINE HOW EXCITING HUMAN BOOBS WOULD BE TO HIM!?
Rebecca: We know that he’s willing to experiment and willing to take direction.
Kristy: True. She taught him how to speak through mimicry. So sex could be like a game of Jane show, Tarzan do.
Agent X: More than Beast, he is in touch with his animal side.
Rebecca: And isn’t hung up on social mores, which I’d assume would include sexual mores as well. Jane spends most of her scenes with him wanting to hit that like a sledgehammer. As soon as the movie ends, they don’t come up for air for 48-72 hours. She’s not experienced, but she’d be enthusiastic.
Kristy: He seemed to look at Jane like WHAT’S THIS!? She was his Ian Malcolm.
Agent X: Dare we ask if he’s… experimented… in his time away from humanity?
Kristy: I don’t think he fucked the gorillas.
Agent X: Agent X, did you just ask about bestiality? When you are the one who specifically said no furries?
Agent X: I didn’t ask! I asked if we dared broach the topic. WE WERE ALL THINKING IT.
Rebecca: I don’t think he did, either. He’s related to all of them, for one thing.
Kristy: Yeah, it’d be beastcest.
Agent X: I mean, not by blood or anything. And there are lots of other animals. IF WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THIS, WHICH I’M STILL NOT SURE WE ARE.
Kristy: We’re not.
Agent X: … Well that just killed the conversation dead.
Rebecca: Let’s get this out of the way: We have to talk about Prince Charming (Snow White’s Prince) and Cinderella’s Prince, just named Prince. And Prince Philip (Sleeping Beauty).
Kristy: He barely has a mouth. Prince Charming, that is.
Rebecca: My verdict on all three: meh.
Kristy: Agreed. There’s no heat there.
Agent X: Well two of those are willing to kiss people who are dead/asleep. So like, minus points for that. THAT’S WEIRD, DUDE.
Rebecca: None of them have much by way of a personality, even.
Kristy: They’re written like they’re Ken dolls down below. Though Philip at least shows moxie. He fights a damn dragon to get his girl back.
Rebecca: Philip’s attractive.
Agent X: Philip is prettier than the other two, I guess.
Kristy: But then he kisses her when she’s unconscious. So his consent concepts are lacking.
Rebecca: So Philip’s the best of those three, but that’s not saying a ton.
Kristy: They’d all be likely to exclaim “GOSH” when they come.
Rebecca: Which is worse: kissing a girl when she’s asleep or kissing the girl when you think she’s a corpse? The former, right?
Agent X: I mean, for consent purposes, the former, definitely. But the latter is… a different kind of disturbing.
Kristy: I haven’t seen Snow White in ages - did he know it’d wake her? Or was it a kiss goodbye?
Rebecca: I don’t think he knew.
Kristy: Also…in the story she coughed up the apple because of the kiss. So did he suck Snow White’s face?
Agent X: If he knew he’d wake her, it’s more like sexy CPR.
Rebecca: That’s not how CPR works
Agent X: I said “LIKE.” I didn’t say it was an instruction manual.
Kristy: Agent X took a CPR class she found on Craigslist.
Rebecca: Ugh, this took a gross turn. Let’s move along.
Agent X: Yes, for the first time, this conversation took a gross turn.
Rebecca: Kristoff from Frozen: Nice! He’s sweet. I don’t know if he’s fucked the reindeer, but maybe.
Agent X: He’s a little immature. But! So sweet. So nice. Great sense of humor.
Kristy: Kristoff is definitely a virgin. But he’s got the consent thing down! He asks to kiss Anna.
Rebecca: He rolls with the punches - he has a relaxed, chill energy. He’s sort of like a Scandinavian surfer bro.
Rebecca: Plus, really cute! Great voice! Best friends with a reindeer, who will now also be your best friend! Cons: meddling family.
Kristy: Also, he put Anna first. He left when he thought it was best for her. So, he’d presumably put his partner’s pleasure above his own.
Rebecca: I think we’re finding a pattern with the Disney guys: Not a ton of experience, but open-minded, sweet, and willing to take direction.
Agent X: Kristoff is like my Ideal Disney Boyfriend tbh.
Kristy: What about Flynn Rider/Eugene from Tangled?
Rebecca: Flynn has sass.
Agent X: Thinks he’s good in bed. He’s Han Solo.
Kristy: He’s totally Han Solo. He thinks his smolder is so on. But, I mean. What you got to back that up?
Rebecca: Newsflash, Eugene: Your smolder is ridiculous. So it’s a metaphor with his name, right? Thinks he’s better/cooler than he is, but the inner dork is always there. But he’s fun.
Agent X: He’s super handsome and cute! But also cheesy as fuck and not nearly as cool/clever as he thinks he is. Not hiding his inner dork nearly as well as he thinks he is.
Rebecca: Good, but not earthshatteringly good. Plus, Rapunzel doesn’t know what the fuck. She doesn’t know what goes where at all.
Agent X: They will teach each other. It will be sweet and cute.
Rebecca: If no one has any more Eugene thoughts. Apologies for this, but we have to: John Smith from Pocahontas. AKA Mel Gibson Disney Prince.
Agent X: Barely remember him but hate him on principle.
Rebecca: I just can’t get over the historical context of it all. It’s so gross.
Kristy: John Smith has definitely committed date rape.
Agent X: Yikes. This took a dark turn! Darker than “but what about kissing corpses?” even.
Rebecca: He’s the guy who doesn’t get consent, but thinks he gets consent. He thinks he’s upright and upstanding but he’s a total frat bro dick.
Kristy: He’s so condescending, I don’t think he gets women function on men’s level of intellect.
Rebecca: If we’re talking Pocahontas characters, it’s Kocoum all the way. He’s a dick and waaaay possessive, but he’s hot and has charisma. I’d fuck him once.
Kocoum on his way to steal your girl.
Kristy: Even if I’m totally wrong, and he’s a caring GGG lover, he
SOUNDS LIKE MEL GIBSON.
Rebecca: KOCOUM ALSO HAS NO NIPS.
Kristy: Maybe he does have nips, but it’s warm and they don’t read under the tattoo.
Agent X: Maybe those are his nips.
Rebecca: We shouldn’t bodyshame him. Some men have bear paw nips. It’s fine.
Agent X: Here’s my thoughts on Kocoum, a character I forgot existed until five minutes ago: I mean, he’s probably not worse than John Smith.
Rebecca: Naveen from Princess and the Frog? He’s a globetrotting prince used to girls falling all over him.
Agent X: But he is a frog for most of the movie, so.
Rebecca: He has experience, s’what I’m saying.
Agent X: This guy definitely fucks.
Kristy: He’s a total playboy.
Agent X: He talks all the time in the movie about how he’s not into commitment.
Kristy: I think he is actually good. Not as good as he thinks, but GGG.
Rebecca: His whole arc is about not becoming so self-centered and learning to care for other people. I think that applies to his sex life. That raw talent was molded into a really good lover.
Kristy: I’m sure. But I bet he’d take his partner’s orgasm as a measure of his own greatness. So his reasons for being good would blow, but he’d be good.
Rebecca: Hey, I’ll take it.
Agent X: He also seems kind of oblivious. And naive!
Kristy: Also, I assume good dancers are good in bed. And dude can dance.
Agent X: I think he’ll be good eventually. He’s got rhythm, he’s got moves, he’s got experience, he’s super hot.
Kristy: Accurate. Hottest prince?
Agent X: I’m still #TeamKristoff tbh. But he’s definitely one of the higher-ranking ones in terms of hotness, yes.
Kristy: Naveen reminds me of Rahul Kohli.
Agent X: Naveen’s personality reminds me of Rogelio from Jane the Virgin.
Rebecca: I would be down for sexual congress with Roger from 101 Dalmatians. Who else? I know he’s b-tier, but my verdict: not groundbreaking, but considerate and a good sense of fun.
Agent X: aka Cartoon Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Kristy: He’d be a gawky love maker, but I’m not mad at it.
Rebecca: He’d be low-drama.
Kristy: That many dogs, dude would be down to get dirty. Not squeamish.
Agent X: He’s cute. Nice. Seems chill.
Rebecca: He probably has nipples under that sweater.
Kristy. Do you think dog ownership correlates with sexual freakiness?
Agent X: Er… Kristy is veering dangerously close to bestiality territory again.
Rebecca: If he had 102 dogs, would he be even weirder? How many dogs must one have to be into anal?
Kristy: I just mean that dog owners seem less squeamish by nature, because dogs drool and lick and such.
Agent X: Pros: exists after the advent of modern plumbing. Cons: his house definitely smells like wet dog all of the time, and therefore he definitely does too.
Rebecca: Knows how to use them lips.
Agent X: Pros: will talk smack about your annoying friend Cruella behind her back.
Rebecca: Hercules! Seems kinda like Aladdin to me: Fun, scrappy but a bit immature for me. I like my men to be men.
Kristy: A dummy.
Rebecca: Means well, enthusiastic, but unskilled.
Kristy: Like he definitely doesn’t know the clit exists.
Agent X: But would be happy to learn!
Kristy: He just gets in there and is like “THIS IS AWESOME ISN’T THIS AWESOME. I’m done.”
Rebecca: He was a jock, right? Or jock equivalent? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it.
Agent X: Yes. But like, a nice jock.
Rebecca: He’s young and attractive and the son of a god, so he probably never had to try that hard.
Kristy. I think Megara could whip him into shape.
Agent X: Yeah, Meg’d make him work. She is smarter than he is. So in sum: basically Thor but less experienced?
Rebecca: Good bod, but nothing about this screams sexy to me:
Kristy: OMG. He looks like Channing Tatum.
Agent X: Oh he DOES.
Kristy: Burly. Big ears, big smile.
Rebecca: How about the Lilo & Stitch dude? Agent X, I know you have thoughts.
Agent X: His name is David, thank you, Rebecca.
Kristy: He does have nice hair.
Agent X: It’s a plot point, that’s how nice his hair is. He can surf, he is shirtless a lot, and he is in great shape. He’s super considerate and nice.
Kristy: He’s hunky and kind and patient.
Agent X: But tbh the biggest benefit of hanging out with David is non-sexual, which is that that means you also get to hang out with Stitch. He’s like a less funny Kristoff. Sweet, considerate, total boyfriend material.
Kristy: Maui! I think he’d be athletic, enthusiastic. But a mess. Unfocused. He definitely thinks he’s better than he is.
Agent X: He definitely ruts for a bit, makes a big show of coming, and then rolls over and falls asleep before you even know what hit ya.
Kristy: But he’d sing “You’re Welcome” when he’s done.
Rebecca: He would.
Kristy: One night stand-wise, I wouldn’t be mad at that.
Rebecca: We know he has to have experience. He’s a freaking demigod.
Kristy: There are probably other demigods out there.
Agent X: He comes really quickly. Guaranteed.
Rebecca: I’d say he’s boned a human or two in his time. Gods, demi or otherwise, tend to. Plus his whole thing is servicing humanity, ey ey?
Kristy: I’m sure. Possibly hundreds. He definitely had fangirls.
Agent X: But I think he would consider having sex with them the service, not making them come.
Rebecca: I agree that he wouldn’t be all that considerate. Enthusiastic, but lacking focus and finesse.
Agent X: Enthusiastic for himself, though. I don’t think it would occur to him to wonder what the other person wants. He’d assume that for them, getting to have sex with Maui, Legend of the Wind and Sea, Hero of Men and Women, etc. would be enough.
Agent X: I think Maui is like Naveen, in that he starts out terrible, but by the end of the movie he’s learned to be less selfish and would probably be a better person all around (including in bed).
Rebecca: But Maui has centuries of bad habits to break. Whereas Naveen only has years. So it’ll be a longer process for Maui. Time is different when you’re immortal.
Agent X: Another thing about Maui is that he has moves.
Rebecca: He has swagger, that’s true.
Agent X: He’s super agile and fast and light on his feet for being a giant mass of solid muscle.
Rebecca: He can transform into things. Do we think that’s only animals? Or could he transform his body into another human body? Could he look like Jeff Goldblum?
Agent X: I don’t think he’s Mystique or anything. I think he just transforms into animals.
Rebecca: Le sigh. And now we’re back to bestiality again. There’s really no escaping it, is there?
Agent X: NO WE ARE NOT.
Kristy: THERE DEFINITELY IS.
If you need more filth to get you through Thanksgiving weekend, previous Very Serious Discussion posts are: Game of Thrones parts one and two; Harry Potter; the Avengers parts one and two; Disney villains; and Star Wars, original trilogy flavor and The Force Awakens.
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