Pajiba

Priceless!

gdfsdm

Typical. Blame the black guy.

My niece woke up one night while my brother and sister-in-law were in the middle of it. Jim didn't stop, put Jaime on his back for a "horsey back ride" and kept right on.

I am NOT watching that shit.

Fredo: New Year's Eve, 1994. I was fifteen and having two friends crash at my house after a night of teenage hijinx. My parents knew this. We came home at 2am my parents were still awake, the door was locked so I ranf the bell. My mother answered in her "kimono". We were treated to an hour of bed springs right above our heads. My friends chanting "Go Daddy go!" was not appreciated.

I never had to worry about walking in on my 'rents bumpin' uglies in my house. My parents hate each other with the proverbial intensity of a thousand white-hot suns. There is, however, a distinct chance of catching a beer bottle in the face or a bullet in the kidneys if one walks through the door unnannounced.

A bit of a tangent, but it's a story:

When I was in first grade, Katie Shelby liked to make fun of my younger sister and call her a "penis-head." Since we grew up in a family where all siblings were female, we had never before encountered an accidental penis. So neither of us knew what a penis was.

Our curiosity got the best of us, and we went and asked our mom one day. She explained that it was something a boy has to keep under his underwear, but us girls don't have. We have vaginas. This only further confused us, so we asked what a penis looked like. My mom was shocked enough, and told us that when the time was right, we would see one.

But my sister and I were impatient, so we figured that we'd ask the only male we knew -- and that was our dad. So we cornered him the one day, told him mom explained what a penis was, and asked him to show us his.

Obviously, he didn't. And he was pretty horrified. But seeing as the two of us were looking to expand our knowledge, he suggested we go to the library's encyclopedia and look up "Michelangelo" for his sculpture of David. We did. And it explained so much.

The next week, Jimmy O'Neil pulled down his pants and waved his penis around the classroom for the rest of us. It was like penises were everywhere all of the sudden.

Christmas Day, sometime in the 90's. Presents have been opened, turkey is cooking, phone calls have been made.

Mom and her husband go upstairs to "nap". I sit in the living room in the most comfortable chair in the house reading my new Stephen King book. It was total bliss.

Until the sound of the bed springs started. I vomited a little in my mouth, grabbed my walkman and cranked the music as high as it could go.

I still vomit a little whenever I'm forced to remember it.

So thanks Mr. Scott - you douche.

Aaaah yes, it happened to me in the Summer of 2000. I was 11 years old and blissfully unaware of my parents in any capacity other than providers of food and shelter and frequent reminders of how special me and my sister were, when I awoke one morning needing a drink. I should have known when I saw the family cat Peppie at the foot of my bed, looking at me like I was the last bastion of innocence in the neighbourhood... And then I heard a thud against the wall.
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I don't think I can bear to repeat the rest, but suffice it to say that even at 21 I can't hear the words "sagging" or "doggie-style" without heading straight to the nearest corner to hug my knees to my body and rock back and forth humming "The Wheels on the Bus" to myself desperately.

The first and only time I caught my parents "in the act" (though not really. They were finished already) was on my 30th birthday.

And I didn't care.

I've gleaned so much from reading this but I think my favorite is: "accidental penis" courtesy of Penelope. I'm going to try to work that phrase into every day conversation.

When I was about 10 or 11, I woke up in the night to the sounds of a struggle. I could hear my father panting and my parents' bed squeaking. Thinking my dad was sick or in some kind of pain, I headed down the hall to investigate. As I stepped into the room (of which the door was wide open. WTF?) I heard my mother exclaim "Oh god, Jim! I need you!" My ears, no doubt as retaliation for what they'd just witnessed, decided to punish me by telling my eyes to adjust to the darkness at precisely that moment. What I saw was a horrible, sweaty two-backed beast that would haunt my nightmares for years.

I've spent many a year blocking that memory. Thanks so much for bringing it up again.

I was seven and my bedroom light was on, door was open, and I was making a lot of noise singing and such, so in hindsight I'm surprised they weren't quieter: they were right across the hall and HAD to realize I was still awake!

Anyway, because I was only 7, I thought my mother was in pain or being hurt, so I RAN to their door, put my hand on the knob and THANK GOD something deep deep in my tiny child brain said "DON'T! DO! IT!" I listened to the voice. Took my hand off the knob. Noticed that I could hear bedsprings and thought maybe they were just play wrestling or having fun. If she was hurt, surely he would help her?

I went back to my room with an upset stomach.

And yet, that was one of the least traumatic things I experienced as a kid.

I got up to get a glass of water from the kitchen one night, (I didn't put my glasses on, thanks be) when I heard metal being repeatedly stressed in the darkness just down the hall. For a few moments, I stood straining to focus on the shapes just out of sight in the open doorway when my brain suddenly processed what I was hearing: mattress springs being forced beyond their manufacturer's intended use. I fled the kitchen and hoped that no one noticed the 12 year old with the smoking craters where her eyes once were.