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5 Shows After Dark: This Man is Why I Need Xanax in the Spring

By Genevieve Burgess | Miscellaneous | June 11, 2013 |


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"Family S.O.S" on TLC at 9:00pm ET. In case you need to feel better about your particular family dynamic. Because even if you're as screwed up as the people on the TV, at least you're not airing your personal shit on TV.

"NBA Finals: Game 3" on ABC at 9:00pm ET. I realize that almost every other fandom in basketball hates the Heat bandwagon fans, but as a Heat fan I can assure you that you don't hate them nearly as much as we do. Because what I love when I'm sitting down to a relaxing evening of letting men I've never interacted with spike my blood-pressure for funsies is people I'm acquainted with grilling me about exactly how long I've been cheering for the Heat and why I started liking them. Seriously, guys, I went to games when Shaq was on the team. Leave me alone to enjoy the ballet-like grace with which my team executes passing drills, but only when they really need to. The toying with my emotions is part of the fun.

"Twisted" on ABC Family on 9:00pm ET. Series premiere. A new murder mystery show on ABC Family, which means it won't be particularly gruesome or mysterious. I guess they're looking for the next "Pretty Little Liars."

"Awkward" on MTV at 10:00pm ET. Third season summer finale.

"Chopped" on Food Network at 10:00pm ET. 16th season summer premiere. I don't watch this show, but every so often I'll fall into a hole when they've got a million episodes airing in a row and I mock the totally obvious loser edits. But I'm also unable to change the channel. It's mesmerizing.

Genevieve Burgess hates summer television even more than you do. She promises.


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