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5 Exciting New Opportunities for Glenn Beck Following His Departure from Fox News!

By Dustin Rowles | Posted Under Miscellaneous | Comments (46)

beck-glenn-climate-scientists.jpg

It was announced yesterday that Glenn Beck, the fiery Fox News pundit, would be leaving his show later this year. Most suspect that, despite high ratings (his was the third-highest rated cable news program) that Beck was forced out, not because of ratings, but because no one would sponsor his television show. Apparently, Beck couldn’t get Applebee’s to advertise on a show where the host suggested that the President was building concentration camps in America to round up dissenters; discussing the bloodshed that would ensue in America’s Civil War against Obama; or insinuating that Obama is “addicting this country to heroin — the heroin that is government slavery.” For some reason, corporate America just doesn’t want to associate itself with Beck’s weepy sermons.

Odd.

The idea, apparently, is that Glenn Beck won’t leave the station; he’ll instead work behind the scenes to create exciting new projects for Fox News. But we here at Pajiba thought we’d float a few other ideas that Glenn Beck might consider after his show goes off the air (or tomorrow!) Given the right attitude, and an aggressive marketing strategy, I think any one of these plans could be profitable for someone, somewhere!

5 Exciting New Opportunities for Glenn Beck Following His Departure from Fox News!


1. He can stick his head in an industrial blender!

2. He can take a nice swim in an oil spill!

3. He can drown himself in a hot, boiling vat of molasses. On live TV!

4. He can test tailpipe emissions on new cars. With his mouth!

5. He can jump up my ass.

And so that he doesn’t run into the same issues he’s having with advertisers now, if Glenn Beck decides to try out one of our suggestions, Pajiba will proudly line up to be the first sponsor of one of these exciting new ventures!









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Comments

I'm curious to see if Beck is a bigger monster behind the camera than in front of it. My guess is that it won't matter much. He still has his books and radio show. His estimated media footprint is pretty big and interestingly, his TV show is not the largest money-maker for him.

But any time he wants to take Pajiba up on Option 5 up there is fine with me.

Posted by: Sassafrass Green at April 7, 2011 11:04 AM

Wow, Beck, looks like your Ayn Randian captains of indstry have spoken.

Posted by: Darth Darko at April 7, 2011 11:07 AM

I'm gonna really miss seeing his chalkboard-mauling clips from the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

Posted by: Hoof Hearted at April 7, 2011 11:11 AM

The chalkboards of America breathe a sigh of relief.

Posted by: Optimus Rhyme at April 7, 2011 11:26 AM

Beck’s gifts aren’t properly utilized right now. He needs a global pulpit, not a bully one. Could he not be a kind of contra-UN ambassador, by way of Fox news, spreading the gospel of America? Travel the world underscoring and being affronted by the horrifying non-America-ness of it all? Show those foreigners intent on invading our borders, destroying our way of life and corrupting our children being lazy and not even speaking English. First hand exploration of his numerous apocalyptic scenarios. He needs to wade in, roll up his shirt sleeves and get dirty for America. Demonstrate the stick-it-itiveness and boot straps mentality that elevated the US to its pre-eminent status in the world today. He could start in North Korea with a lecture tour on the erosion of personal freedom in America. After that, it's on to the Middle East to hold forth on the role of religion in government.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 11:27 AM

Let's not give corporate America too much credit. Like Lou Dobbs, Beck started out with advertisers but lost them after several groups such as Color of Change launched campaigns directed toward the advertisers letting them know how unhappy consumers were with their continued airing of commercials during his show.

Posted by: PaddyDog at April 7, 2011 11:34 AM

Typical "tolerant" liberal. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 11:39 AM

That was fast! I'm not even offended. I'm jsut impressed! Now tell us we are judmental @ssholes* Libsrdum.

*10 bonus points for inclusion of a Hitler and/or Nazi reference in the context of either giving or taking offense.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 11:47 AM

What does tolerance have to do with any of this? Tolerance doesn't mean you have to accept every bullshit idea that comes down the pike. Nobody hates Beck because of his color or his creed. We hate him for his character. And isn't that what America is all about?

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 7, 2011 11:48 AM

Or, if he wants to do all five at once, that would be great too!

Posted by: birdgal at April 7, 2011 11:50 AM

Oh Tracer, Dr. King's dream is coming true!

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 11:54 AM

Why should I defend myself to any of you? It's obvious how thin-skinned and insecure you are on the basis of your reaction to a single comment. You hippies really need to get out of your little socialist communes more and talk to some REAL Americans.

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 11:55 AM

Please people, I implore you. No Hitler or Nazi references. I am so exhausted. It's been a very long three years. I have been to so many rallies and forums and news shows I have bunions on all of my toes, my hair looks like crap and my hip is about to give out. The health care reform debate alone almost killed me. I really needed some down time after that one, but no. On we went into the mid-terms and now we're gearing up for another presidential election. I'm warning you now. You can't push me beyond my limits. There's only so much of me to go around. I need some time off.

Posted by: Godwin's Rule at April 7, 2011 12:00 PM

Honey, I'm Canadian.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:00 PM

Godwin's Rule is such a Third Reichian.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:02 PM

Oh, it's so exciting to witness the birth of a new troll. Look at 'im pound 'is widdle feets! He's so adorable. Mrs. Julien, get the camcorder. I want to be ready when he calls us racists for the first time.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 7, 2011 12:06 PM

I charged the batteries just in case Tracer!

::giggling with glee and anticipation::

This never gets old!


Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:10 PM

It's obvious how thin-skinned and insecure you are on the basis of your reaction to a single comment.

It isn't insecurity. You're reading it wrong. It's anger. You're like a match that walked into a room filled with methane.

Posted by: superasente at April 7, 2011 12:12 PM

So Kballs already came over from the Snowtown thread then Superasente?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:15 PM

He threw out the word hippies! RUN! There's no coherent discussion to be had!

Posted by: Julie at April 7, 2011 12:22 PM

Please. You poor libs are such obvious self-hating losers. (Especially the Canadian ones. Who else would go around allowing themselves to be called "America's hat?" Even your Olympics were more socialist than China's.)

Glenn Beck became successful by telling the truth about the truth, and you poor bastards can't reconcile it with your own worthless lives, so you have to lash out. It'd be pathetic if it wasn't so damned hilarious.

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:23 PM

I'm tired Libsrdum, can you just call yourself an idiot?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:28 PM

I just love the term "Real Americans." WTF does that even mean? What am I, f***ing Pinocchio?

Posted by: TheEmpress at April 7, 2011 12:31 PM

How DARE you, madam. I'll have you know that I fought for the Union in World War II and liberated darkies in Georgia like a good Republican, not that they ever thanked me for it, the ungrateful lazy bastards. Show some respect!

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:35 PM

I just shat my pants with rage!

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:39 PM

And ANOTHER thing. Why is it that you goons are so easy to troll? Hell, Fark.com commenters would have caught on to this bullshit by the time I got to the "America's hat" comment. You people need to stop believing everything you see on the internet. You're as bad as an average Glenn beck viewer.

Thanks for an interesting lunchtime diversion though. Ciao!

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:42 PM

Well, THAT was entertaining.

Posted by: meh at April 7, 2011 12:43 PM

Libsrdum drives a Vespa?

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 12:43 PM

Of course! I'm Italian! Why else do you think I make so little sense?

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:46 PM

f**ing Pinocchio sounds VERY painfull. Splinters all over.

Posted by: Darth Vlader at April 7, 2011 12:50 PM

Damn it. I knew I shouldn't have taken a shower after getting covered in acrylic paint. I could have called out Libsrdum for some really obvious trolling. And yes, it was the America's hat comment that tipped me off.

Posted by: Robert at April 7, 2011 12:52 PM

Dammit, Rowles. You ban BigTodd and this pitiful level of trolling is the result.

Posted by: Tracer Bullet at April 7, 2011 12:59 PM

6. He can shoot himself from a cannon onto an incoming semi.

Posted by: BarbadoSlim at April 7, 2011 12:59 PM

I'd prefer "into an oncoming semi" Slim, he might get lucky and stick the landing.

Posted by: Mrs. Julien at April 7, 2011 1:02 PM

What am I, f***ing Pinocchio?

You splinter-ridden slattern! That is my (puppet-that-wants-to-be-a) MAN! First that Blue Fairy trollop and now this?! Well you two can have each other. I bet neither of you can even whistle BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO CONSCIENCE!

And when ol' Toothpick Dick asks where Jiminy is, tell him to check the bottom of my boot. WISH ON THAT!

Posted by: jM at April 7, 2011 1:10 PM

Libsrdum, I vehemently disagree with you on your assessment of Liberals.

Posted by: Pookie at April 7, 2011 1:15 PM

I'd love to see a death match between Glenn Beck and Sham Wow..
Actually it'd be no contest. All those tears? Sham Wow would have to throw in the... um... towel.

Posted by: Odnon. at April 7, 2011 1:25 PM

Dammit, 'Jibans. Why'd you have to fall for his crap. The words "Union," "darkies," and "shat" were a dead giveaway. Not to mention his handle. Now we've been had.

That wasn't the birth of a new troll, it was one of those hobos who naps on your porch one night. He may even be one of our very own lurkers, hopping in to stir things up a bit, knowing all the buttons as he does.

Posted by: coryo at April 7, 2011 2:01 PM

Please. You poor libs are such obvious self-hating losers. (Especially the Canadian ones. Who else would go around allowing themselves to be called "America's hat?" Even your Olympics were more socialist than China's.)

Posted by: Libsrdum at April 7, 2011 12:42 PM

I don't think they ALLOW themselves to be called that; certain idiots just call them that. For example, I'm sure you don't ALLOW yourself to be called a mouth-breathing troglodyte, but people probably still say it.

Rowles, I know I don't always agree with you, but even I don't want Beck to jump up your ass. I'm sure your body produces enough fecal matter on its own without a sentient log of it lodging itself there. It just sounds unsanitary. Plus, you'd have to listen to him spin conspiracy theories about how your ass is where Obama is hiding all the secret CIA prisons.

Posted by: JustBill at April 7, 2011 4:18 PM

If I've told you all once, I've told you a thousand times;

DON'T FEED THE TROLLS!

They're worse than Mogwai in a monsoon at a 2AM buffet.

Posted by: bleujayone at April 7, 2011 4:30 PM

So if Canada is the USA's hat, does that make Mexico our undies?

Posted by: snapnhiss at April 7, 2011 4:33 PM

7. He can 69 with Keith Olbermann, forming a perfect yin yang of bilious lunacy.

munchslobberslurp..."Worst Person, sir!!" gurglesnortswallow "Communist Apocolypse!!".. snarf

Posted by: Greedy at April 7, 2011 4:41 PM

My husband watches the "Program" every night, and then attemtps to engage me in conversation about the contents of said "Program". I am very thankful I will have my evenings back. Amen.

Posted by: Kristen at April 7, 2011 6:22 PM

Many years ago while playing trivial pursuit with my sister and parents, my sister got the question "What is considered 'America's Attic?'" And she immediately responded with "Canada?", to which we assumed Mexico would be called "America's Basement."

For those curious the actual answer was the Smithsonian... and as a coincidence she now lives in D.C. where she can visit "America's Attic" everyday.

Posted by: protoformX at April 7, 2011 8:52 PM

"So if Canada is the USA's hat, does that make Mexico our undies?

Posted by: snapnhiss at April 7, 2011 4:33 PM

Speaking as a Canadian, we prefer the term AssHat, instead of America's Hat. It just fits better.

And if Mexico is the USA's undies, does that make Florida America's penis??? If so, what does that mean for the Baja?? Is it a turd?? That would mean California is the rump, and LA is America's asshole.

Works for me .......

Posted by: Handy Man at April 7, 2011 10:50 PM

Get off it self proclaimed "'jibans". You just embarassed yourselves taking turns calling him out for trolling after he already proclaimed himself one. Pathetic

Posted by: JackRandom at April 7, 2011 11:13 PM